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Friday, July 3, 2009

Deliberate Lovers

posted by Iris Tuomenoksa

Mark and I got married five years ago. We wanted to have a ceremony that represented "who we are and the way we want to live together". Now, exactly a beautiful five years later, it's great to look back at it and enjoy that day again, and think about all that happened since that day! Today I want to share with you a small part of the ceremony we held. It still inspires me and I hope it will inspire you too! I had thought to also post some photos from friends and family visiting around that time, but I could not choose between them. Every photo has such a unique story to tell... Love, Iris XXX

July 3, 2004

... We have come to this special place today to celebrate the marriage of Mark and Iris, and to reflect upon their love. Mark and Iris have been given the great opportunity to chose loving each other, and on this day Mark and Iris proclaim their love for each other by freely choosing to spend their lives together and becoming wed. You'll notice I didn't say, "falling in love". Mark and Iris consider that a "victim's" approach to love. Instead, they see themselves as deliberate lovers who are fully responsible for their actions.

I myself admit that I learned a lot about relationships during the short time I spent with Mark and Iris. I typically meet with couples that are interested to be married, and in talking to Mark and Iris I learned how powerful love can be when it is tempered and strengthened by recognizing the choices involved in ownership over your own emotions. I sincerely hope that Mark and Iris continue to inspire others who may be in relationships to value the emotional responsibility involved in addition to the sharing of emotions between partners.

And now Mark and Iris would like to share their vows.

Mark's vows to Iris:

On this day, I, Mark, join myself to you, Iris, as your married partner. I will love you, respect you, and treasure you more and more every day for all the days of our lives.

Iris's Vows to Mark:

On this day, I, Iris, join myself to you Mark, as your married partner. I will love you, respect you, and treasure you more and more every day for all the days of our lives.

Mark and Iris would like to unveil an everlasting symbol of their love for each other.

Mark: We chose to decorate ourselves together as we join into one life. This symbol is a sign of my love for you, and my celebration of us. I offer myself as your married partner today, tomorrow and always.

Iris: We chose to decorate ourselves together as we join into one life. This symbol is a sign of my love for you, and my celebration of us. I offer myself as your married partner today, tomorrow and always.

In marriage, we find the opportunity to for new choices every day: the opportunity to love or not love, the opportunity to be grateful or not be grateful, the opportunity to be happy or unhappy. In fact, marriage is something that we can grow or diminish by the choices we make. Marriages don't become strong on their own and they don't fall apart on their own. They're a result of our choosing daily to love, to be grateful for and to be happy with our partner. A great benefit of this approach to marriage is that, by daily choosing to grow our love for one person, we increase our capacity for love in general. We become expert lovers. By choosing to grow our gratitude for one person, we become grateful for people in general. By choosing to be increasingly happy with one person, we become happier with everyone. This approach to marriage can transform us into people who are happier, healthier and more fun to be with.

As the poet Bears wrote (--ed. Barry Neil Kaufman):

Thoughts are physical events in our bodies

experienced as sensations called emotions

In effect, we sensationalize our thoughts

Deciding to be grateful

generates a much sweeter sensation

than taking you for granted

Deciding to love you

stimulates a much cozier sensation

than being neutral about your presence

We're in charge

of the fireworks

we call our feelings

Mark, do you take Iris to be your wife, to love, respect, treasure, and celebrate her, from this day forth?

What did Mark say? Yes, I do..

... and Iris, do you take Mark to be your husband, to love, respect, treasure, and celebrate him, from this day forth?

And what did Iris say? Yes I do..

Mark and Iris, having shared these vows with each other, I do now pronounce you married partners. You may kiss.