Belief Makers

The other day, Brian and I were talking about business plans that he'd been developing. We talked about things like time allocation, effort, positive cash flow, when the business would be profitable, and so on. As we spoke, there were some questions that I would consider fundamental, that Brian didn't seem to have the answers for and the thought occurred to me, "Hmmm...., I don't believe this business is going to materialize."

So, I asked Brian about whether or not he really believed he was going to make this business work. Brian answered strongly affirmatively.

Then the thought occurred to me, "Hmmmm... I don't believe that you really believe that!"
If you know me, you've probably anticipated that I then said this out loud.

I did.

Brian, insisted that he did believe it; I insisted that he didn't.

Of course, my position was completely silly. I mean, I can't possibly know what Brian believes or doesn't believe. Only Brian does.

A Tree Falling in the Forest
As I thought about our conversation, there was something about the correlation between Brian's beliefs and Brian's activities that didn't resonate for me. I'm not talking about Brian being inauthentic or lying or pretending, I'm just talking about consistency between his actions and his words.

Before proceeding, I'd like to clarify a couple of things:

First, this sense on my part is a reflection on me, not on Brian. I have beliefs on what it means to believe that you're going to start a business; I have beliefs about the actions that you would undertake commensurate with the starting-a-business belief.

Second, by actions or activities, I'm not just talking about the task list; I'm also talking about the amount of time involved, the quality of the activity, and the level of effort.

So, the thought occurred to me that it didn't actually matter if Brian believed it or not. All that actually matter was Brian's actions.

If a belief occurs in the mind without any action to manifest it, does the belief actually exist?

For me, the answer is "no".

Cart-Horse, Chicken-Egg, Belief-Action
So, I've concluded that a belief without commensurate action may be fun to talk about, but in the end is a bit masturbatory.

The other thing that I've concluded is that action and belief form what's called a virtuous cycle. We begin with a belief that we act upon; as we act, we reinforce, refine and develop our belief. As our belief develops, we refine and develop our actions, and so on...

In many ways, action and belief become inseparable. The question of what we believe moves from theory to practice.

Since Option is a philosophy (not simply theory, not academic pursuit, and not religion), what matters is whether it works or not. So, discussing beliefs is fun, but in the end, we embrace the philosophy to effect change: change in ourselves, change in the lives of those around us, change in our world.

Homework
So, here's a little homework assignment that might be fun to pursue with someone close to you.

Sit down together and each take a sheet of paper. Draw two vertical lines segmenting the paper into three columns. Now, each of you do the following.

1. In the left column, write down a belief that you hold strongly.
   
   
2. In the second column, write down a list of activities that you regularly undertake (with quality and energy) that manifest that belief.
   
   
3. In the third column, write down a list of activities that you regularly pursue that seem at odds with your belief. Also, in the third column, include any activities that would seem to be commensurate with your belief, but that you don't regularly pursue with quality and energy.

Once you've each completed your lists, look at them together. What do your actions tell you about your beliefs? What would you change about your actions to get them to align with your beliefs? What would you change about your beliefs to get them in line with your actions?

Not Just for Personal Beliefs
The homework that I describe above can be a really great tool in business.

For example, if you're working with an executive team, you might want to talk about corporate goals or elements of your mission statement (left column). You would then list activities in the other two columns that either support and reinforce them (center), or don't (right). You would also include in the right column, activities that would support your goals, but aren't being taken.

This would also serve as a great tool for conducting regular reviews with employees, helping them to align their activities with their performance goals.

Paying attention to the alignment of your stated beliefs and you actions can bring tremendous clarity to your life and will dramatically accelerate achieving your goals.

Have an amazingly aligned week!

Labels: all blogs, business, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Mary and Brian
As I walked into the coffee shop this morning, I told a friend about our friends Mary and Brian.

Mary lives in the Netherlands; Brian lives here in the US. Mary and Brian are both friends of Iris on her Facebook page. One day several months ago, Mary saw Brian's picture among those of Iris' friends and decided that he was the guy for her. So, she contacted him via Facebook.

Mary and Brian began corresponding, then chatting, then Skyping, and fell in love. Last Thursday, Mary arrived here in the US. Brian and she are spending five weeks living at our place as they decide what they'll do together. They've already decided to get married and now are working through the details. It's just an amazing story of seeing what you want and going for it...

As I told this to my friend at the coffee shop, she commented that, "wow, how can you really tell if someone's right for you without actually being with them physically. Doesn't it require pheromones, etc?"

Models, Models, Models
As I thought about this, it occurred to me that there are so many ways to look at and understand almost anything.

For example, you can think about music aurally hearing differences in volume, rhythm and pitch. You could also think about music from a physics perspective in terms of amplitude, frequency and how these both vary over time. Or, you could think about music visually either in terms of notes on a page or in terms of a visualizer such as the ones found in iTunes. Or... you could think about it emotionally in terms of happy, sad, calming, exciting, and so on.

All of these are ways to experience and think about music. None of them is music, each is just a perceptual model of music.

Our Bodies
My friend Jonathan came up with a chip that can block epileptic seizures. Viewing the brain electrically, the chip detects the seizures and then surrounds them. The chip is now coming out of FDA trials and will be on the market soon.

Other people view the brain chemically, treating people with medications. And still others view seizures as a response to heightened emotions and stress.

All of these are simply models for viewing how our bodies, or in this case, how our brains work. However, sometimes when I talk to people about epilepsy, they'll actually talk as though the model were the epilepsy itself, not just a way of thinking about.

For example, since taking medication can result in a decrease or complete cessation of seizures, they'll insist that seizures are therefor a chemical phenomenon, rather than viewing seizures as a phenomenon that can be modeled chemically.

Of course, this manner of thinking limits their alternatives when trying to help themselves or others who are experiencing seizures.

How You Doin?
Consider the pervasive question "How are you?" and all its variants. Let's consider a subset of answers that would reflect our emotional state. "I'm feeling great!" or "I'm depressed" or "I'm really upset" or "I'm anxious".

We could actually model these emotional states in any number of ways, and then based on that model, come up with methods to change our state (from depressed to anxious) or replicate our state (be happy) at a different time.

For example, we could model our state chemically looking at things like blood sugar and serotonin levels. We could model our state electrically seeing what our brain activity looks like. We could model our state in terms of the constellation of beliefs that we hold at that moment. We could model our state cardiovascularly looking at heart rate, oxygen processing, blood pressure and blood flow.

No doubt, all of these models would reveal patterns that correspond to out emotional state. Any of these models would prove valid ways of looking at our emotions.

The Problem with Models
The problem with models is when we don't recognize them as such. We see them as the thing, not as a way of looking at the thing. In particular, many of us are biased to make so-called "physical" models real, and so-called "emotional" models artificial.

They're all artificial.

And better yet, they all interact reciprocally. I can change my emotional state through chemistry, but I can also change my chemical state by changing my emotions. In fact, inputs to any one of the models will always result in changes that can be seen in any other of the models.

Physical Doesn't Mean Real
Over the years I've talked to person after person who insists that a certain ailment is real because it's physical. For example, they'll say that so-and-so is really depressed because someone did a blood workup and his chemistry is that of a depressed person. The chemistry is causing the depression.

Of course, this isn't the case. More accurately, the chemistry and the depression are coincidental. Surely, if one were to change the depressed person's chemistry with medication, his emotional state would change. But, as the models are interrelated, if one were to change his emotional state, his chemistry would change as well.

Either model is valid; the trick is finding the one that works best for him.

Making Models Work for You
Models are powerful tools. They're the basis for different fields in science. They all have strengths and they all have weaknesses. None is right; none is wrong.

The measure of a model is simply how well it works in accomplishing what you want to accomplish.

If you're facing a persistent challenge, perhaps it's time to start building different models, ways of thinking about the challenge.

For example, if you're experiencing a challenge with depression, or anxiety, or lethargy, or procrastination, or whatever, you could model the challenge chemically or electrically or in terms of beliefs. But, you could also model it in terms of what you read every day.... or how often you work out... or what you eat... or who you hang out with... or how many hours of TV you watch... or whether or not you meditate. Any of these might lead you to a solution.

In fact, you could draw a little chart that correlates the degree of challenge with all these factors, and then see the pattern that emerges.

By viewing models simply as ways of thinking and then expanding the set of models we use to include all sorts of parameters, we can overcome challenges that seem impossible otherwise.

Have a great Sunday!

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, well-being

One of the least productive activities I get to observe on a regular basis is the fruitless pursuit of who said what to whom when.

I know people who will spend hours if not days searching through old emails or correspondences to try to prove that someone who says they said A actually said B. Although this type of activity may have merit in a court case, it almost never provides value in relationships; unless of course you're trying to end the relationship.

If you've found yourself in a relationship that seems to be stuck or has certain areas that are hot points or off-limits, then you're probably practicing the art of the fruitless pursuit of the facts.

In this blog, I'll speak to why we do this, and how to move to more fertile ground. These rules of thumb are equally applicable in business and in personal relationships. At least in those that you want to work.

Do You Want Resolution?
The very first question to ask yourself before pursuing the rest of this article is:
A second and equally important question is:
If you answered "yes" to both questions, then please proceed with the rest of the article.

If you answered "no" to wanting resolution, then you want to focus on whether what you want is more important than having the relationship. If it is, then it may be time to move on; it if isn't, then your energy may be better spent pursuing how to be together or work together in the face of a fundamental disagreement, i.e., skip the argument and move on to relating.

The Facts Don't Matter
All around us, every second of every day, there are billions of facts happening. Trees are falling, trees are growing, hearts are beating, hearts are stopping, people are working, people are playing, dogs are chasing cats, people are chasing dogs. Billions and billions and billions of facts.

Statistically, we pay attention to none of them.

Therefore, the nature of our pulling some facts into the conversation and not others, is bias. It may be bias due to our interests and what we observe; it may be bias due to our agenda, items that support our point. The facts that we select don't tell us so much about what happened as what our agenda and biases are.

When a "fact" enters the conversation, rather than discussing the veracity of the fact, you might ask questions like:

"Of all the possible facts that we could bring into this conversation, why that one? What was the motivation? How does it relate to our agenda? What agenda does it relate to?"

Judge Ye Not...
Nine times out of ten, the pursuit of who actually said what is tied to a judgment of what we believe was said or a judgment of the speaker being a liar.

So, if you suddenly find yourself in a situation where you or someone else is relentlessly and perhaps heatedly pursuing the veracity of the facts, you might want to explore what the judgments are that are driving the heated pursuit.

In those instances:

1. pause for a moment and breath
2. acknowledge that you, the other person or both of you seem to have put significant emotional energy into proving or disproving the fact in question
3. then ask yourselves, "what are the judgments that we're harboring about this fact that were so relentlessly trying to prove or disprove?"

Resistance is Futile
If you find yourself the target of judgment or the relentless pursuit of the facts, the easiest thing to do is to concede; just go with it. You can ask questions, like: "Let's say it all happened just as you said it happened. What would you like to do now?"

What often happens is that the person pursuing the facts suddenly gets to their real agenda. Oftentimes, the agenda has simply been your acknowledging them as right. Other times, you'll discover hidden emotions, beliefs and judgments. In either case, you can get past the facts and on to what's really going on.

Stay on Target
Over the years, I've become really good at running meetings. A critical skill has been the ability to nip in the bud the pursuit of facts and discussions that are not relevant to our agenda. Whenever someone begins pursuing a line of thought or set of data that seems irrelevant to our agenda, I always ask, "how does what you're talking about relate to our current topic of discussion?"

Sometimes, the person establishes a meaningful connection and we pursue the discussion. In other cases they don't and we take one of three courses of action:

1. We drop the pursuit of that information and return to our discussion
2. We decide that the information is important, but not timely; we put it up on the whiteboard and return to it later.
3. We decide that the information has brought us to something even more important than our original topic. So, we switch topics and pursue the information.

I all these instances, the important thing is to always be aware of what you're trying to accomplish and then to constantly evaluate how what is being said relates to it. If something seems irrelevant, question it and then, drop it, board it, or pursue it.

Note, in order to do the above, you want to make sure that you know what your agenda is before starting your discussion or meeting.

Make Your Discussions and Arguments Productive
I believe that, by actively practicing the steps outlined above, even the most irrational, unreasonable and difficult to work with people can become highly productive diplomats. If you find yourself in situations with people who are difficult or challenging (even if those people are often you), try the tips from above.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend of rich, enjoyable, loving and productive arguments.

Labels: all blogs, business, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

"Aliens do not exist. Yes, I do!"

I'm a regular at the Fuel coffee shop. I love their coffee... I love meeting my friends and fellow citizens there... I love their gluten free sandwiches, crepes and current scones. It's a little paradise where I blissfully write many of my articles for this blog.

For today's article, I even took the quote above from Fuel's bathroom wall. I have read the graffiti above many times and I am always curious about who wrote the first sentence, why the the person wrote it, and why the second person answered "Yes, I do". But this is not why I mention it in this article. It s because over the last days I have been thinking about fear. Why do we fear, in what ways do we fear, and how do we stop fearing.

Fear and Aliens
This morning, when I read the quote, I began combining my thoughts about fear with the subject of aliens; in my mind I pictured movie advertisements for movies like Independence Day, Aliens, Predator and War of the Worlds, which all consist of fighting the "unknown alien".

I believe that fights are always born of fear. The question is: why do we choose to fear the unknown at sometimes and not at other times not? It doesn't seem to have to do with the unknown itself. For example, when we discovered a previously Unknown Tribe in Brazil that had never made contact with other humans, we didn't decide that we were in danger and take out our military to defend us from them.

When we discovered the flying frog, we didn't decide that they were creating a way to become the new rulers of earth.

I also have not heard any rumors that the Nepenthes Attenboroughii, a plant that can eat pray as big as a rat, will become the biggest enemy of humanity in the near future and will eat us away if we don't do something about it right now!

So, if it is not the unknown itself, what is it that causes us to respond with fear in one situation and without fear in another? Let's look at some different factors:

1. We Do Fear. Fear is not created by an external factor; it's not about what the alien, the frog or the people are doing to us. Instead, we create fear as a way to take care of ourselves in the face of the unknown.

2. We don't actually fear the unknown. We might say that we fear the unknown, but we actually fear what we've made up about the unknown. It's our beliefs about the unknown that drive our fear, not the unknown itself.

3. We only fear when we believe what the unknown is bad for us. If you believe the alien movies above, we seem to generally believe that aliens are going to harm us when they arrive on earth.

4. Our beliefs are influenced by what we have been taught by our parents, our friends, our educational system, our communities, the media, the government etc. If we look at what we've been taught and how we've developed, we can identify the beliefs that drive our fears.

5. We can eliminate fear by changing the beliefs that drive our fear. I promise you that, as soon you can decide that a given unknown will be good for you rather than bad for you, the fear will evaporate.


A Little Exercise
I believe we all have moments of fear. If you'd like to work through one of your fears, take a moment to answer the steps below:

1. Take ownership for the fact you are doing fear. It's not happening to you.
   
   
2. Identify the bad outcome that you are anticipating in your unknown. What is it? How will it affect you? Be specific and make it big!
   
   
3. Think about when and where you started to believe that this bad outcome was going to happen. What contributed to you beliefs? Why do you believe it's going to be bad?
   
   
4. Imagine potential "good" outcomes that could happen? What would they be? How would they come about? Make them clear and big.
   
   
5. Seeing all this, which belief set do you want to adopt? Do you want to stay fearful or do you want to let go of your fear by changing it into something more comfortable?

Have a fantastic fearless Friday!

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

As I relate different events in my head, they evolve into some kind of mutually dependent event sequence So a is related to b which is related to c. I translate this to first a, then b, then c. In the end, it results in a situation where I can't even think of going for c before I have gotten to a and b.

Walking Before We Run
Most of us know that it might me easier to learn to run if you know how to walk, it might be easier to learn to play basketball if you know how to throw and to catch a ball.

If I want to run a marathon, it makes sense to decide to first run a 5k, then a 10k, and a then half marathon.

Does it make sense to decide to buy new shoes before I start running? Or, will the running inspire me to get the shoes?

A friend of mine just moved to a French speaking country and he argued that he will first learn the language and then apply for a job. I thought that getting a job would make it much easier to learn the language.

If you were to move to France would you:

1. a) learn the language and then, b) move to the country, or

2. a) move to the country and then, b) learn the language

The reason for approach 1 could be that knowing the language would make it easier to integrate in the country, it might be easier to get a job and get friends.

The reason for approach 2 could be that living in the country and having people around you who spoke the language could make it easier to learn the language.

Sometimes you have to make choices, and take approach 1 and other times, approach 2.

In My Life
An example is my life: I want to have a better health, an interesting, well paid job, and a fantastic life partner. So let's call them a, b and c...

a) great health
b) an interesting, well-paid job
c) a life partner

Remember, now that I've associated these, I've also decided that they occur in sequence. First a) great health, then b) interesting, well-paid job, and then c) a life partner.

In order to get a great health, I decided that I need to change my eating habits, work out and meditate; this will result in more energy and happiness (that's a belief, but let's not question it for now).

To get "the" job, I need to network, look in to the job market, send resumes and go to interviews. I have a belief that my chances of getting the job I want are greater if I am energized, so I decided that a) great health must precede b) job.

BUT, I could also make up that long hours in front of a computer doing analysis lead to a higher consumption of coffee resulting in lower motivation for work outs and meditations. When I feel excited, I often naturally feel an urge to eat fruits and vegetables (which I see as healthy); I feel like running, dancing, swimming and I often meditate on love and happiness.

So in my mind I have built the relationship first a then b; it could as well have been the other way.

What About C
When I think about how it would be to be to in a relationship with a life partner, my first thought is happiness. I see myself being "the best version of me", and I see both of us developing the best version of ourselves. We'd grow it stronger day by day.

I have created this belief that, when I live a healthy life and when I am enthusiastic and happy about my work (which I could chose to be in the job I have, but I do not always do that as a way to motivate me to change -- one day), THEN I will be more likely to attract the kind of man I want to share my life with. In other words: when a AND b THEN c comes easier.

BUT: if I found a perfect partner, I might be inspired to create better health and/or explore better work-life possibilities. I would have someone to help me, inspire me, give me feedback. This would make it easier to go for and get what I really, really wanted.

I could even argue that getting c AFTER a and b will mean losing a and b. What if I meet someone who lives in another country? Holding onto b would be asking him to move rather than me being flexible? What if I meet someone who lives with incompatible habits when it comes to health? Would I want to give up my newly developed habits?

Maybe it would be better for me to change or even drop the required order I've created.

The Terrible Truth

Well here comes the (terrible) truth:

I don't dare to change the order of events; the sequence is not set by the reasons I just gave you. Those are just reasons I keep telling myself in order to stick to the decision I already made. The real reason for my ordering is... you wanna hear it? Get ready... here it comes... It's FEAR!

It's the fear of wanting something and not being able to get it. (Why did I take the Fearless program only once? I even came in as the second most fearless person in the program; I must have been either hiding my fears or among VERY fearful people!!!).

My ordering is determined by where I feel the most in control. The health issue is pretty much in my own hands since I eat and I move etc., whereas b and c depend on other people.

What Are Your Prerequisites?
I hope that this will inspire you to look at how you establish dependencies, order events, and so on. See if you make up reasons that sound reasonable, but don't really reflect the underlying reason for your decision.

I have decided that I want to change my way of thinking fundamentally, but that is a totally new subject... which is not dependent of this.

Love
Joy

Labels: all blogs, beliefs, intention, joy vigh strand

Over the past few days, I received several calls and emails from people who expressed concern on the part of others regarding my blog Change Your Belief, Change Your Life.. Momentarily. As the case may be, the people expressing the concern were not the people who actually had the concern, so I'm piecing this together. Nonetheless, I'm going to take a crack at addressing what I think the concern might be.

In my blog, I talk about how many people who participate in programs at the Option Institute seem to make changes, but then later don't seem to follow through with the changes. Their changes in belief seem to lack staying power.

I believe that the first concern is that this is somehow and indictment of the Option Institute or the philosophy.

It hadn't occurred to me that this would be the case or even appear to be the case. It would be akin to purchasing a bouquet of flowers, leaving them locked in the car on a hot day, taking them home and never giving them water, and then blaming the florist.

An Amazing Place to Learn and Grow
However, if you see the florist as the culprit in this scenario, then I want to be clear. The programs I've participated in at the Option Institute are simply amazing. I absolutely love Bears' teaching style and manner of facilitating class. I've never experienced anything like it and would absolutely recommend taking a program to anyone who can get there no matter where you are in life.

It's Up to You
I also believe that, as would be the case with receiving the world's most beautiful and stunning bouquet of flowers, what you do with gift received at the program and how you care for it is up to you. If you want the changes to last, then you want to determine the best ways to nurture and grow your new beliefs.

Part IIa
Louis (whom I mention in the blog), sent me an email today expressing that I hadn't accurately reflected his perspective in my blog. It wasn't clear to me whether he meant specific words used or the general concept of people needing to do more than just take a program to see lasting change. So, I've asked him to let me know. When he does, I'll let you know.

However, to be clear, I like to include the people who participate in any discussions that appear in my blog. It's not so much to chronicle who said what to whom, when they said it, and why; it's just to provide a bit of context and color.

You might have noticed that our blog is open to comments from anyone. If you ever disagree with what I say, or feel that I've misrepresented you, or think I'm completely off, please I'd welcome comments and insights.

Have a great afternoon!

Labels: beliefs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

One of my favorite people on the planet is Mark Kaufman. In addition to being a really sweet guy, he's versed in all sorts of obscure references and he's an exceptionally quick thinker... except when he's not.

In fact, Mark and my friend Jonathan (who's one of the smartest people you'll ever meet) are in a long running competition for World's Dumbest Smart Guy. I'll explain the competition in detail in another blog, but for now, let's just say that involves grown men with extremely high IQ's finding ways to do things like:

• ending up in jail for a string of unaddressed misdemeanors...
• or, stranding themselves on power boats just yards from shore...
• or, trying to unclog a drain pipe with a hammer and screwdriver while standing directly below and looking up into the clogged pipe.

Defending Your Honor
One of the things that Mark will often do is to tenaciously defend a statement he's made, no matter what is said that might indicate his statement is a bit far-fetched or even perhaps, a lie. Oftentimes the original statement is a casual throw-away with no real implications whatsoever, it's just something he said as a filler. Nonetheless...

Typically, as Mark defends his position, the defense tends to become more and more bizarre, unbelievable and, well, funny.

For example, Mark stayed over after Iris' birthday party. The next day, I walked into the kitchen and found him preparing lunch. We had a conversation that went something like this.

Teflon: Where'd you get the coconuts?

Mark: I found them outside.

Teflon: Found them? In South Egremont? The coconut's tropical!

Mark: What do you mean?

Teflon: Well, this is a temperate zone and...

Mark: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

Teflon: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Mark: Not at all. They could be carried.

Teflon: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

Mark: It could grip it by the husk!

Teflon: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

Mark: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you please go and tell Iris that I'd like to speak with her?

Teflon: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

Mark: Please!

Teflon: Am I right?

... or something like that.

Letting Go
Do you ever end up in really bizarre situations simply because you wanted to make a point, or wanted to be right, or wanted to not get caught in a lie, or wanted avoid embarrassment, or... you name it. Perhaps it's something you experience more often at family gatherings or holiday get-togethers. Maybe it's something you experience at work.

If you ever end up in these situations, one of the best things I've found is to...

1. Stop
2. Breath
3. Think of what you want to say
4. Don't say it
5. Repeat three times

...and then say what you finally come up with.

With any luck, you might say something like...

• I have no idea why I said that; can I have a do-over...
  
  
• Or, wow, listening to what I just said, I don't even believe it...
  
  
• Or, I'm sorry, I just experienced and internal blue screen of death and have successfully rebooted. Now, where were we?

Have a great Wednesday!

Labels: all blogs, fun, mark kaufman, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Mary: What's in a dream? Usually people have dreams they forget, or don't pay attention to. But there certainly are dreams that will keep you busy, by thinking about them. One of these dreams may be a very conscious one, which could be something you dream of to do. For example being this great investigator who will discover the one thing people are looking for. Or you may dream about how to create a large amount of money. You may dream of becoming this world famous writer or the most famous formula 1 driver ever.

Using Dreams For Inspiration
But there are other dreams that come to you, dreams you dream at night that will provide you with another thought in awakening. Like the finding of the love you always wanted to. Like the knowing that everything is possible when you start to believe in it. It's all about believes you create. The most empowering capacity you can imagine is right inside of you. Being more aware of that, you can connect to that enormous field of energy we call the universe, the universe that can provide you with everything you ask for. Now here comes another interesting part, you can choose what to do with it! You can choose to connect with this powerful thought you woke up with, or you can let it go.To me, a dream is a channel through which we can receive certain insights we are looking for. Every time when you are looking for an insight, you can be aware of the question and trust on it that it will be given to you in a dream. Still, a dream will not only appear to be the regular one you may have at night. Dreams may come to you during the day as well. When you are in this "hazing off", or zoning- out atmosphere, riding on your bike without any particular thought, this insight may reach out for you in ust a second. Sometimes this will happen when you open your eyes the next morning and you drift away for a few seconds. Sometimes it will take a while before you get the answer, or the insight. But no matter what, the dreams you have are connected to the things we desire and long for. Just give it a try! It will provide you with some unexpected miracles...

Brian: For me, dreams are a great pipeline into what my waking world is like. What comes up when the lights go down? Do the things I didn't deal with or worried about during the day remain and invade the mood of my dreams? (They did in the past). Or is this a place where I can visualize a future not yet realized-even without a conscious mind as a guide? (As they often are now.) What about becoming an aware, active participant in your dreams, while you are dreaming? Oh, yes, it's possible! What would the implications of that be?

For the first part of my life, dreams were either a mix of wild, wonderful explorations of a blending of worlds or a harrowing, downward spiral of nightmares - expressions of the fear I felt in life bleeding into my dreams...

Using Dreams For Empowerment
After I first went to The Option Institute and came across the tools of the Option Process, I suddenly had all of my fears rudely ripped away from me! (OK, OK, it was me who did that...) I was left with a huge hole in my life where fear had been and found that my dreams reacted accordingly. Most nights ended up being a delightful blending of the joys of the day and the anticipation of the future. Occasionally, the last remaining fear, that of being in "free-fall", that is, the condition of zero or near-zero effective gravity (such as during a skydive or on many thrill rides during a drop), would make it's way into my dreams. Because that was the only fear I had left that I could find, when it manifested in my dreams, I would find myself falling from a pier thousands of feet above the water, falling out of an airplane, or hanging by a root off a cliff far above the water. The last scenario was the one I found myself in when I had my first effective dream. While hanging thousands of feet above the crashing sea below, holding onto a fast-slipping root, I felt enough fear inside the dream to raise my consciousness to the point where I was aware that I was in a dream. And I thought, "Well, if this IS a dream, then I can control anything I want inside it!" So I imagined myself lifting into the air, trying to fly myself to a safe spot at the flat top of the ridge. Within the dream, it seemed I had to exert a GREAT EFFORT to even lift an inch above the cliff edge, but all of a sudden I realized that I was actually doing it! With continued effort, like pushing myself to new limits in the gym, I was able to move, hovering a few inches above the ground, to the top of the hill and drop to the ground safely. Wow, an amazing sense of triumph welled up within me! I could actually control my dreams without waking up! Over the next few months I had another 5-6 episodes of effective dreams, each time finding a way to alter the outcome to prevent the fall.

So what can I take from this? That was the question I asked of myself, since I felt this was an amazing new ability that I never knew existed (I have since talked to others who have experienced this). The answer for me was: I did something I didn't believe was possible, so what if I just applied that to my waking life as well? Decide that even if something seemed impossible, I would just decide to go after it anyway, believe it would happen and go from there! Whether or not any of my "impossible dreams" in waking life succeeds or not is not really the question. The joy is in the journey! I have such a wonderful and exciting time in the process, that success will just be an extra bonus!

What about you? The choice is yours: go after your dreams even if they seem impossible, or stay in what you know you can do, in what is "safe". What is something you want from your life that seems "impossible"? Will you go for it anyway?

With big love and hugs, Mary & Brian

Labels: all blogs, brian ellis, philosophy

So hear is what I learnt.

1. Decide on a clear intention for my day
2. Create a positive intention of something I'm going to do, vs an intention about something I'm going to stop doing (so an intention of 'not complaining' would not have been as useful for me as 'savoring' or 'gratitude')
3. Having a clear intention before I am in the situation in which I want to act out my intention greatly increases my chances of living out that intention.
4. Pre-playing (visualising) myself acting in my clear positive intention in the face of some typically challenging situations can be very helpful.
5. Celebrate the times that I act in my clear positive intention, vs judging, reprimanding and scolding myself for the times I don't

So I'm going to be more intentional about having a daily, clear intention. I think my intention for tomorrow will be 'relaxing'. What will yours be?

Labels: faith clarke, intention

An Opportunity to Observe
A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of observing a HANDLE (Holistic Approach to Neuro-Development & Learning Efficiency) evaluation done by a HANDLE practitioner with Joe, one of the special children that I work with on a regular basis.

Following an in-depth observation in his natural environment (e.g. his home) and an interview with the mom, Jessica created a treatment plan that allows for the activation and integration of all the special Joe's systems (e.g. sensory systems, immune system, digestive system etc.,) to work in unison, thus significantly improving the his ability to engage with people in his environment in an empowering manner.

Prior to the evaluation, Jessica asked Joe's mom a few questions. The questions included Joe's sleeping and eating patterns over the last few weeks. Joe's mom stated that there had been no changes in his eating and sleeping patterns, saying that he consistently sleeps through the night without any difficulty.

In the Playroom, Your Child is the Boss
Following the conversation with Joe's mom, Jessica, Joe and I entered the playroom. Upon walking into the playroom Joe immediately began to climb on my back indicating that he would like to play the game that we often play during our sessions. I first introduced Jessica to him and then decided to play his favorite game in order to show Joe that he is still the boss even though there is a new person present.

After our game, Joe became very aware of Jessica's presence in the room and started looking at her more frequently. I then decided to step to the side of the room and become an observer.

In the Playroom, Actions Are Words
Jessica proceeded to set up the playroom for her evaluation. The first part of the evaluation required Joe to sit down at the table and pick one toy of his liking on the table in font of him. As Joe sat down and looked at the objects in front of him, he began to stare as if he was hypnotized. His eyes looked at Jessica; however, he seemed not to notice her as if she was not even there.

As Jessica continued to slowly explain to him what she wanted him to do, he continued to stare. He then slowly slouched over on to the table in order to support his body and finally slid off the chair onto the floor.

In a few minutes both Jessica and I heard intense snoring. Joe slept for the next two hours. Our attempts to wake him were unsuccessful. Every time we gently rocked his body or sang into his ear, he pushed us away and fell right back asleep.

Since both the HANDLE approach and The Son Rise Program teach that your child's behavior is his or her language of communication, Jessica and I discussed what Joe's behavior was communicating about the way he interacts with the world.

Interpreting Actions as Communications
Based on what we both know about the different levels of "arousal" (a state of the nervous system, describing how alert the individual feels), we realized that Joe's system was asleep. His nervous system may be described as being in a state of low arousal. This means that for his brain to stay awake, alert and focused, he must be engaged in a movement activity other wise he falls asleep. He must be "on the go" all the time in order to send signals from his muscle and joints to the brain in order to know that he exists in a physical reality.

Identifying that Joe's system was in a state of low arousal is very significant since that allowed us to design a treatment plan based on his specific needs. The treatment plan is always geared towards helping Joe achieve a level of optimal arousal (getting him into the zone of optimal functioning). This is accomplished through a set of simple exercises.

Tuning Your Program to Your Child's Systems
Knowing the level of arousal of the nervous system allows you to choose appropriate exercises for your child. For Joe, we decided to pick movements that would promote alertness (waking up) integration and organization of his brain.

On the other hand, for a child whose nervous system is on high arousal, I would recommend a series of exercises that first and foremost promote calming affects on the nervous system as opposed to an alerting one.

Identifying the specific state of the nervous system of your child is one of the foundations from which you can begin helping your child to achieve a state of balance. If you would like to learn more about the different levels of arousal and how to identify your child's specific needs you may do so by using the book called How Does Your Engine Run? by Mary Sue Williams, OTR/L.

Labels: autism, handle, rita gendelman, son-rise

One of the things that Iris and I frequently notice is that there are only a few people in my life who ask me questions. I'm not talking about "how's it going?" or "what do you think about all this rain we're having?" I'm also not talking questions like "how can I create a website?" or "can you help me with my computer?"

I'm talking about deeper questions that would have meaningful responses.

Conversationally, this is never a challenge as I like to ask questions. I'm always curious about people, who they are, what they believe and why they do what they do. I'm interested in everything from philosophy to mountain biking and from math and science to music and art.

Sometimes I like to see what happens when I stop asking questions. Quite often the conversation simply stops. There's a long pause and then the person I'm speaking with will mention something about the weather or the Red Sox or the latest news around town, apparently at a loss for words.

Questions on Monday
So, this morning I was thinking that it would be great to declare Monday, August 24 2009, Listening Day. On Listening Day, we exchange gifts called questions.

Creating Your Gifts
There are several steps required to transform a question into a gift suitable for wrapping,

First, the question must have no intent other than curiosity and interest in the person of whom it is asked.

For example, it can't be a "can you help me with..." or "would you go get the..." type of question. It also can't be a an accusation wrapped in a question such as "what the heck were you thinking when you..." It also should lack any direction or command such as "wouldn't you feel better if you just..."

Nope, the question would be a simple what, how or why type of question. The why questions tend to make the best gifts.

Second, to bring the question to life, you must listen lovingly, intently and without judgment to the answer. Really, really, really pay attention. It's the active and focused listening that brings the gift to life.

Third, subsequent questions in your gift package are based on the answers to previous questions all derived from you amazing active listening.

Fourth, this may go without saying, but the questions are best delivered in person or over the phone or even via instant messenger. Interactivity is key.

Will You Celebrate Listening Day?
If you'd like to join me in celebrating Listening Day, then identify some people to whom you'd like to give some questions.

Don't worry about what the questions are? Just focus on that person and creating a loving and accepting attitude. If you'd like to get a running start, build your curiosity about them. Who are they really? What motivates them? What are their passions? What are their fears? What do they want most from life?

I believe that celebrating Listening Monday can have a profound impact on our lives and relationships. If you're someone who "never knows what to say" when meeting people, make every day Listening Day and you will completely transform your life.

So, today, August 24, 2009, I'm celebrating Listening Day. Will you join me?

Have an awesome day!

Labels: all blogs, love, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

The other day, I sat with a couple of fellow Option enthusiasts and experienced the following snippet of conversation:

Enthusiast A: "I really want to do thus and such, but I can't seem to get there. It seems that ..."

Enthusiast B: (interrupting A) "If you really wanted to do that, you'd be doing that. You must not want what you say you want. You're being inauthentic!"

This is an example of op-copping, taking an amazing philosophical construct and transforming it into a moral imperative that requires policing.



I Do Therefore I Want
On the one hand, there is some merit to what Enthusiast B said. Indeed, within the construct of the Option Philosophy, we do what we do because we want to do it.

This is a tremendously empowering concept. There are no external influences that are forcing me to get drunk or gain weight or feel depressed or be unhappy or hate my boss or lie to my mother, etc. Whatever I do, I do because I want to and with good reason.

Now, it's the good reason part that is critical here. Basically, it goes like this:

When we recognize that we do everything because we want to (even those things we find abhorrent), then we open ourselves to exploring our motivations for our wanting. As we explore and understand our motivations, we find the path to change.

When we say that we don't want to do what we do, we effectively cut off this path of exploration. It would be oxymoronic to explore your motivations for doing something that you don't want to do.

Op-Cop Challenges
Although technically correct, there are several challenges being faced by our Op-Cop (enthusiast B).

1. It's Not True
First, our Op-Cop appears to be treating the I Do Therefore I Want construct as though it were true. It's not a truth, it's a philosophical construct that can be quite useful in helping us to make changes in our lives, especially in areas where we've found it difficult to change. It's merit lies in its being useful, not in its being true.

2. Manner Matters
Second, Op-Cop's delivery feels more like an accusation than helping hand. For example, he could easily have said something like:

"Hey, if you're finding it difficult to make the change you want to make, then there may be something motivating you not to change. Something you haven't considered yet.

Let's assume for a moment that you want to continue doing what you've been doing and with good reason. If we uncover those reasons, then we can better understand what it takes to make the changes."

3. Halfway There
Third, our Op-Cop hasn't quite got the whole construct yet. Within the I Do Therefore I Want construct is the concept of conflicting wants. Examples of conflicting wants include:
Oftentimes, the reason we don't do what we say we want to do is because we want something else more.

Resolving the Conflict

For example, let's say that on the one hand, you want to workout because you want to get healthy. You want to lose weight and look good. You want to be more vibrant and energetic.

On the other hand, you want to sleep in so that you're ready for your day. You don't want to fall asleep at your desk. You want to feel alive and alert.

Were you to explore both wants, you would discover common ground, for example, energy, wakefulness and alertness. You might decide that, by getting up and working out, you would be more awake and alert than you would have been sleeping in.

Moving Past Op-Coppery
As I write this, I keep hearing "Bad-boys, whatcha gonna do..."

I think that the key to avoiding becoming an Op-Cop is to focus your newly (or perhaps not so newly) acquired Option skills on yourself. Don't worry about fixing anyone else or ensuring that they've got it right. Just use what you've learned to help you.

As you change (becoming more loving, happy and content), any tendencies towards Op-Coppery will dissipate and people will ask you about you and why you're always so happy (really, they will). Then you can offer what you know and be helpful.

Have an amazing Op-Cop-Free Sunday!

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

A Practical Guide To Studentship: Part IV
Are you someone who's never been able to do math? Perhaps you've been told that you're tone-deaf and can't carry a tune in a bucket? Do reading and writing come to you with difficulty? Do legal documents scare you?

Regardless of what your learning challenges have been, I'm here to tell you that there is absolutely nothing that you cannot learn how to do.

Step One: Abandon Disbelief
For those of you who responded with a smirk or a sense of doubt to my use of the phrase absolutely nothing, thinking "Hey, I can't learn to golf like Tiger Woods!" or "I could never learn to play guitar like Jimmi Hendrix", we have step one. An important prerequisite for great studentship is believing that you can accomplish what you set out to accomplish, even if you don't feel that way.

This abandonment of disbelief doesn't require a dialogue or counseling session; it doesn't have to be permanent. Basically, just set aside your doubts for a while. Try on the belief that you can do what you want to do. It's like trying on a pair of shoes. Just do it!

Step Two: Learn Slowly
When trying to learn something that we believe we can't learn, we make the experience less than enjoyable. This causes us to rush through exercises, assignments and readings. We get into the mode of trying to get them done, not trying to learn from them.

When we rush we incorporate inaccuracies into our learning. What we learn is wrong.

For example, the key to playing blazing fast guitar solos is to practice really, really slowly with a metronome. Importantly, you never want to play faster than you can play clearly and accurately.

When you play faster than you can play without making mistakes, you actually learn the mistakes, not the notes you want to play. Your so-called muscle memory acquires the mistakes and and can recall them. If you find yourself making the same mistake over and over, it's because you've taught yourself the mistake.

This is the case for anything that you learn, what goes in is what get's learned.

So, if you want to get more from your reading, read slowly. Pause and ask yourself what you read. If you can't recall or are unsure of what you've read, read it again. You'll be able to get through even the most complicated text.

If you want to learn math, do the problems slowly. Check your work and see where you made mistakes. If you did make mistakes, do the problem again. Make sure that what goes into your memory is the process of solving the problem, not making mistakes.

Most importantly, never conclude a learning session immediately after making a mistake. Always end on a solid run of the exercise.

Step Three: Repeat, Repeat, Repeat
It's nearly impossible not to learn something if you do it lots and lots and lots of times. In fact, what we often call talent could easily be summed up in terms of the number of repetitions required to acquire a new skill: the fewer the repetitions, the greater the talent.

Imagine two blocks of walnut. One has rough edges and a course texture; the other is relatively smooth and the edges square. Either block of wood could become a beautiful walnut cube, but one may require more planning and sanding than the other.

This is the case for any skill that we want to acquire. Some of us are the rough block and others the smooth block. The difference has no implication to our potential. It's just a matter of how much work it will take.

People often ask me how I'm able to do all I do with the piano and I always go back to spending eight hours a day practicing when I was music school. It's not so much talent as repetition.

Right Brained People Can Do Math
As a kid, I could never do math. I was totally right-brained as it were.

When I found myself in a position where it was learn calculus or never get ahead at work, I thought I was done for. Out of desperation, I started treating math like playing piano. Rather than memorizing or reading and reading and reading, I simply started practicing calculus problems. I bought five calculus books that came with the answers to all the exercises in the back of the book.

I spent hours practicing math, even repeating problems I'd already done.

I ended up getting the only A on the final exam. Ever since then, math has been easy.

Step Four: Pay Attention
When Iris and I talked about repetition, she recalled working in the tulip fields as a kid and getting paid based on the number of crates of bulbs she could process in a day. She remembers starting out with just a single crate and working her way up to twenty. Through years of repetitive work, she got better and better.

I said, "Yup, repetition really works."

But then Iris pointed out that there were many adults who had been doing the work for decades and still processed only ten or twelve crates per day. There were also families of migrant workers who would come in and process twice as many crates as Iris. They seemed totally dialed in to what they were doing.

As we talked about it, we decided that repetition works best when you really pay attention and are aware of what you're doing. If you're playing scales, be aware of how your fingers move from key to key. Are they tense or relaxed, is there a flow in motion or is it stilted?

If you're reading a book, how does your body feel? Are you really present or are you distracted? What are the words really saying?

A Second Set of Eyes
Sometimes, you can boost your awareness by having someone watch you and provide feedback. For example, as Iris has been learning to sing and to play drums, I often sit and listen to her, paying attention to her pitch, where she's placing her voice, whether she's ahead of or behind the beat and so on. Since Iris is just starting out, it's helpful to have someone else paying attention with her.

As we've been doing this, Iris has been picking up on these elements of awareness and starting hear them all herself. She records herself singing, and then plays it back listening with the same awareness. The process has improved her skills amazingly.

You Absolutely, Positively Can Learn Anything!
I totally believe that if you:

1. Abandon Disbelief


2. Acquire new knowledge and skills slowly and accurately


3. Practice, practice, practice (slowly and accurately), and;


4. Pay attention as you do so,

you'll amaze yourself with what you are able to accomplish.

One more thing: if you do the above, you'll never have to memorize anything.

So, what are you going to learn?

Have a great weekend!

Labels: all blogs, business, education, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Last night I played with the band my second performance ever. We had a great time. We did a great job. We had fun visitors. We had birthday cake for Pete. It was so cool.

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

Labels: all blogs, kathy decastro, philosophy

Many of have seen the power of belief. By changing a single belief, one can completely change his or her life... at least for the moment. In this blog, we'll talk about transforming fledgling beliefs into the powerhouses we know they can become.

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Yesterday, the four-year-old boy I work with and his parents walked me to the car after our Son-Rise playroom session. While walking up to it, the little man said spontaneously: "Iris's car". We were all very exited. Not only because he recognized and labeled the car, but also because he was using a possessive verb and his pronunciation was fabulous. He had his parents and me in awe about that little piece of art he produced in that moment.

Surprises are one of the things I receive lots of lately in and around the playroom. I am constantly surprised how much the kids know and understand and how fast they learn. They may have difficulties communicating what they are thinking with people around them, but it does not say anything about their capacity of knowing and learning.

A couple of days ago, the little one asked for a ho-do. He said: "ho-do-ho-do-ho-do-ho-do-ho-do", while pacing around the room, squeezing his little fingers from excitement. First I didn't understand what it was and his excitement changed into crying for his "momma" while pointing upstairs. I explained the little man that his crying does not help me to understand what he wants to tell his momma. I asked him: what is it that you want to tell your momma? Let me help you. Then I said: "Momma, I want..." and waited for him to finish up my sentence. He looked at me and nothing happened. So, I explained that this is an opportunity for him to say what he wants and again I said, "Momma, I want..." We did this for a couple of times where he first responded with words "ho-do" and then added the word "eat". And then I got what he wanted to say to his momma: "Momma, I want hotdog!" We celebrated the clarity of our communication that day with hotdog and lots of celebrations of the "I want hotdog" sentence.

And that was only first of the celebrations. Today, the little guy was telling me not only: "I want hodoc (hotdog)" but also "I want diaper", "I want toa (toast)" and he wanted "cere". This last request I did not understand, but the little man was not easily deterred and did anything possible to help me understand that he wanted his "cereal". It seems that the sentence "I want" has given him new depths of persistence helping him to climb over the communication barrier.

There is always hope for change in any situation. If we are able to persist in our wants we can grow so far out or our boundaries that we create a miracle...

Labels: all blogs, autism, iris tuomenoksa, son-rise

While conversing after dinner with Mark, Iris, and Dodge, I was asked by Mark who I considered to be my Top 10 most valued relationships. With two edits (I added one I didn't think of last night and we later decided we could include dead people, so I added one of those as well), this is my list along with my reasons why.

1. Mary V: I've never been more madly in love with someone who so perfectly fits what I look for in a life partner! Not only does she have the things at the top of my list: authenticity, fearlessness, intelligence, physical beauty, and a deep love of herself, but I'm also constantly delighted and amazed at all the EXTRA goodies I keep finding in our relationship. She lovingly pushes me to excel and we are constantly exploring new ideas and ways of being that bring about an ever-increasing sense of joy in our lives...and she's so much fun! Can't wait for us to meet in person!

2. Karen H: The best friend I've ever had, male or female. We absolutely never worry about what to say or not say to each other because we know we can't hurt us. I love her smiles and our deep conversations and/or Option Process Dialogues on Sunday mornings about where we are at this moment in our lives and how much we genuinely and actively want each other to be happy in our lives.

3. Mark & Iris: They are a total inspiration to me in the way they do their romantic love relationship! Watching them interact with such joy and unbridled love is just a delight for me. With all the intellectual interplay last night, the sweetest moment for me was them saying goodnight to each other with lit up smiles and gentle kisses.

4. Bears: Only the writer and teacher of the most empowered philosophy I've ever found and the tools I used to alter my life from one of a frightened people-pleaser to one of a joyful, passionate, playful dude! My life is FAR beyond what I ever dreamed it could be, and that simply would not be the case without this life approach. Also, flat out the best classroom teacher ever.

5. Lynne V: My other best friend in the world, and, at least up until Mary, the one who accepted me in just the biggest possible way, including all the things about me that are my biggest challenges, especially my drinking ish. She was the first to show me how really deep a friendship could go.

6. Gary L: Founder of the Integrity Project to radically increase the amount of happiness in the world, starting with redesigning the corporate structure around the happiness of the individuals within it. My involvement with this project is what initially led me to The Option Institute as I was searching for a place that taught classes in how to be happier. Also, I just love him. Also, he is hilarious.

7. John Johnson: My best friend before I knew how deep friendships could really go if I stopped censoring myself. He modeled love and fearlessness on a level that still stands at the top of the hill to this day. He dragged me onto the dance floor, both literally and figuratively, which started a long, slow climb for me out of my intense shyness. I initially did a lot of grief at his death, but now I only feel a deep sense of gratitude for him as a friend and as a guide who never gave up on me, no matter how many times I refused to take his offered path.

8. Sara/Sally/Mom: I love her for her love of her kids and grandkids, even if she sometimes shows it in a way that tends to motivate though unhappiness--that is, to use unhappiness to try and get them to do what she wants. I've had a great deal of joy in not only watching her move towards a life of more awareness, authenticity, and love, but also in building a deeper relationship between us. She is by far the only one in my birth family who has the type of relationship with me that I have with other friends in my life.

9. Rachel J: Although she claims I don't know her deeply, she also says she doesn't know herself deeply, so let's face it, how would she know? LOL! I SO love our time together to talk about the deepest corners of our lives! She asks me the most wonderful and offbeat questions and delights in the answers I come up with. Of everyone on this planet, she knows the song in my heart and joyfully sings it back to me when I've forgotten (or when I've pushed it down the list on the I-Pod in my heart to where it's no longer on the front screen).

10. Jeannene C: Surprise! A relationship I deeply cherish with someone that I, in fact, don't really have a relationship with. Even though we rarely see or talk to each other, and even when we were in the same geographic location never really had a friendship, Jeannene is a constant source of inspiration for me. She's someone who decided that everything in her life was up for discussion and change and she creating this amazing, leaping, loving, and joyful version of herself on the fly. Whenever I start to think there's something in my life that I can't change, I think of her and I drop that limitation.

As you can imagine, this list will evolve over time, but since I'm a huge believer that this moment is all I get, this be it for this moment!

How about you? Who is someone in your life who's friendship/love you cherish and why? I love you and I'm deeply grateful to have you in my life. To be continued...

Brian

Labels: all blogs, brian ellis, philosophy

This week Mark and I were in the opportunity to have lots of great discussions with different friends who came to town. Along dinners in restaurants, at our kitchen table, around the barbeque, and on sidewalks we discussed things like: what is hope? Where and what is the tipping point where people loose hope? What is thought? Are we taught to think?

I made the statement that I believe that a lot of the teaching we generally do is not about us learning to think, but about teaching us to fit in and comfortably move around the "structural" society we live in.

I also made the statement that this starts at a very young age. And I gave a couple of examples where children see what is going on in a situation and try to explain the solution to the adult, but the adult is not listening or acknowledging the child's ideas. The adult might have been so focused on something else that they didn’t register the solution the child suggested, they may have been believing that the child is not smart enough to understand the problem and find a good solution, they might not have wanted the solution from the child because they wanted to find one themselves... Whatever the reason was, the adult decided not to listen and involve the child in that situation.

I believe most children will not look at that situation and automatically say: hee, the adult is not present with my solution, how interesting. They are missing out on a discussion about my solution, what a pity. No, I believe that in the world today, with the belief structures we have been teaching, lots of kids immediately go to: "it doesn’t matter what I think", or "no one cares what I think", or "no one will listen anyway". And some kids even go so far as to close themselves up and to no longer show the wonderful thoughts living in their minds.

What happens when these children grow up? By the time they are adults, they have strengthened these beliefs. And instead of actively participating and creating their lives, they use what happens outside of them to define who they are and what they want to do. No wonder I meet so many people who say they are trying to find themselves. They say they do not know what they want in work, in live, in relationships. They say everything is hard work.

This article is not meant to point fingers but to make you think about when was a time you were in a situation like I described above.

Do you remember a time as child when no one wanted to listen to you?
What did you make up about that situation?
How does that show up today?
Is that the way you want to live your life?
Have you actively been ignoring or trying to stop someone’s thoughts lately?
What was your motivation for that?
Do you believe you did it in a way that taught the other to fit into your structure or let them create their own thought structure?
Having answered these questions, is there anything you want to change?

Have a great, inspirational week!

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

Labels: faith clarke

In English, we have two words that we often use to express thankfulness: gratitude and appreciation. Although these words have subtle yet significant differences in meaning, we tend to use them interchangeably.

Gratitude requires no understanding of that for which we are grateful. It's an expression of sentiment on our part having nothing to do with the thing for which or the person for whom we are thankful.

Appreciation involves knowledge and understanding. You may recall courses on art and music appreciation. From a dictionary perspective, appreciation can be viewed as the act of estimating the qualities of things and giving them their proper value or as a critical evaluation of a situation, person or thing.

Appreciation requires knowledge and insight; gratitude does not.

For Example
Let's say that you're moving to Japan and you have a Steinway grand piano that you won't be able to keep any longer. You want to give it to someone.

As you consider all the people to whom you might give the piano, there may be many who would be grateful (some of whom might play piano and others who might not). So, as you consider to whom to give the piano, you start thinking about who would appreciate it most, e.g., who would understand what makes the piano great, who would be able to play it, who would be able to hear the difference in the sound, etc.

Although many might be grateful, you'd likely give the piano to someone who could really appreciate it.

Gratitude is for the Grateful One
One of the things that many of us have learned is that it feels good to be grateful. In a situation where we're overwhelmed or feeling unappreciated or simply unhappy, taking time to actively express gratitude for what we have in our lives can provide a fast path to feeling better and to happiness.

As we express our gratitude to others (especially to those for whom we are grateful), we share that process of feeling better. Still, the primary beneficiary of gratitude is the one who is grateful.

Appreciation is for Others
To appreciate something requires an investment on our part. It often takes experience with whatever it is we want to appreciate. However, the return on that investment can be significant, specially if there are people in our life with whom we want connect.

For example, let's say that you have a son or daughter who is really into hip-hop or rap, a child with whom you want to build a deeper relationship. You might express gratitude for them regularly, but you still don't seem to connect.

I believe that investing yourself in listening to, learning about and understanding hip-hop and rap will provide you a powerful means of establishing a connection with your child. Rather than expressing what they might consider to be empty or non-meaningful gratitude, you can express insightful appreciation of their music.

You'll be able to say more than that's nice or turn that down. You'll be able to make meaningful comments on what you hear and see. Appreciation can help you build a bridge.

Appreciation Doesn't Require Gratitude
A classic mistake that many people make in business is to not appreciate they're competition. Rather than exploring, understanding and valuing the strengths of their competitors, people often ignore or dismiss them. They fail to learn from their competitors or see opportunities to transform competitors into partners.

Now, you don't have to be grateful for your competition to appreciate your competition. Appreciation simply involves getting to know them and what they do, understanding their motives and goals, seeing their strengths and their weaknesses.

By embracing and appreciating your competition, you can become a much stronger competitor.

We All Prefer Appreciation
In many ways, gratitude is kind of like your mom telling you that you're handsome. It's nice to hear, but it don't get you a prom date.

I believe that each of us prefers to be the object of appreciation rather than the object of gratitude. Whenever we connect with someone who has similar interests and passions, we tend to talk more easily and more satisfyingly.

Whenever we've worked long hours to complete a project that has required skill and expertise, rather than hearing that's nice or how wonderful, we tend to prefer comments from someone who notices all the nuances of our work, someone who understands the required effort and skill.

Homework
If there's someone in your life with whom you seem not to be connecting or with whom you have lost connection, perhaps it's time to shift from gratitude to appreciation. Take time to learn what's important to them. Invest yourself in understanding it. Become an expert.

I believe that your investment will appreciate exponentially.

Labels: all blogs, business, love, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

written by Julie Sando

I was flying from Massachusetts to Canada today, daydreaming about my future. I found myself getting excited for my upcoming move to California in October. I realized a phrase that has been quite familiar to me: "I can't wait until..." I noticed that I think this phrase a lot. Then I started daydreaming about my road trip out to California... and I wandered to my exciting day tomorrow.... and then I got excited to land in an hour. Eventually, we landed... and again, I became aware of my thought "I can't wait to meet Mike," (who was picking me up from the airport). On the drive to my hotel I was excited about tomorrow's outreach. Mike and I were exploring the concepts of being present and when I checked in to my hotel and settled in I began realizing how much I am always looking forward to something rather than truly, deeply enjoying what is happening in this very moment.

So my new intention for the week is to catch myself fantasizing about an upcoming event and to take notice about what is so great about this current moment... as I am sure I found great excitement in it days earlier!... It will be easy to find/create great excitement in moment.

Labels: all blogs, julie sando, philosophy

The other day I was looking for a place to eat my lunch and I walked up to a little harbor in the hope to find a spot to sit down and enjoy the nice weather. Next to the docks there was a place to put little boats in the water. I had to laugh about what I saw there! Sometimes a picture shows more than a thousand words, so I took a picture for you...



What do you believe the owner of this sign was thinking when he posted this sign? Had it to do with expectation or experience? What do you make up about me making and posting this picture and writing this article? Do you believe this article is helpful? Why Yes or No?

Beliefs, beliefs, beliefs! We will never know without asking…

Labels: iris tuomenoksa, other

One of the things about me that some people seem to respond negatively to (sometimes with great hostility) is that I actively have no principles. For me, the beginning of principle is the end of thinking. We take a belief, we somehow canonize it and make it more than true; the belief takes on properties of being God-ordained or absolutely true. We call the belief a principle.

To be clear, I'm not talking about scientific principles or underlying chemical elements that form a substance. I'm talking about moral or ethical standards and judgments. I believe that these serve not only to end thinking, but are the basis for breakdown of relationships, strife and even war. So, I try to live a life that is as unprincipled as possible.

Words Help Us Avoiding Thinking
As we grow and acquire language, we begin to see and think less and less. Consider the automobile. Although automobiles vary in size, shape, color and sound, we still manage to call everything from a VW Beetle to a Lincoln Continental, car. If we we look at various cars and think about them, enumerable differences emerge. We could even look at two identical orange Beetles and spend all day identifying how they differ. Yet, whether talking about a Toyota Corolla or a Porsche Carrera GT we simply say, "go get in the car".

The word car provides great economy in communicating. We don't have to say, "go get the orange colored semi-circular shaped metallic object with four circular rubber objects supporting it".

We simply say, "go get the car".

Words and generalizations save time and thought making it possible to do more.

However, any time we use a word that can describe a broad set of objects or actions, we've in effect stereotyped those objects or actions, painting them with a broad brush if you will. We do so because we find the stereotyping useful.

When Words Go Awry
The problem with the wonderful economy of words is that we can get lazy in their use. We're all familiar with the bad use of stereo-typing, e.g., all men belong in the kitchen, all blonds are smarter than other people, all Finns are all blond, etc.

However, there are many instances where the use of stereotypes is more subtle. In these cases, the stereotypes have become so integrated into our thought processes that they've replaced thought.

The Power of a Word
Consider the word education which has become somewhat a moral imperative. We have programs with passionate names such as No Child Left Behind. Parents stress over whether or not their child will get into a good college and whether or not they'll be able to pay for it. It seems that no one even questions whether or not their child should go to college. It's just a matter of how to get them to the best one possible.

This evolution of the word education has become problematic at best.

First, what do we mean by education? From one perspective, everything we do with our children is part of their education: teaching them to tie their shoes... teaching them to cook... teaching them to change a tire... teaching them to play piano... taking them to church... reading with them... and so on.

Yet for many, education has evolved to almost exclusively meaning school and, in particular, college or university.

Second, education has been intimately linked to one's capacity to earn a living. If you don't get a good education, you won't be able to afford a house or a car or children, etc. This implication seems be accepted without question.

The Problem with Education
By allowing education to become synonymous with school, we often don't pursue the other, less formal avenues of education that are so useful to our kids such as teaching them to cook or change a tire or build a wall. They miss out.

Further, one can easily make a strong case that investing the money one would have paid for college can easily yield greater financial return than going to college, specially when you consider all the people who graduate from college and never find or pursue work in their field of study.

By allowing the word education to mean going to college in order to make a living, no one seems to question whether or not education is a good idea. It's not just a good idea, it's an imperative.

As a result, hundreds of thousands young people spend billions of dollars annually on formal educational programs that will never bring them to where they really want to go; money and time that might have been better invested or spent on educational activities that suited their desires and interests.

Why Loyalty is Stupid
So, what's all this got to do with loyalty. Loyalty is another word that has evolved from something that simply meant faithful to a person, ideal, custom, cause, or duty to a sort of incantation that obligates someone to choose a side in a conflict independent of information and thought.

In situations like this, even the idea of investigating the facts or asking thoughtful questions may be characterized as challenging and disloyal.

For example, lets say that you have two dear friends who are divorcing. Knowing your friends and their situation, you may have seen cases where either one was less than reasonable, more than demanding, less than charitable, unfair and/or unkind. You may have experienced arguments and fights that were the fault of either one, both or no one.

Still, what often happens when friends divorce is that you will be expected to choose sides, even when choosing sides is totally unnecessary. You may be someone who simply wants to take each event as it comes and evaluate it based on what you're seeing in the moment without bias. In which case, you might be accused of being disloyal by one or both friends. Rather than being viewed as someone who might provide a voice of reason you're viewed as a traitor.

Principles vs. Integrity
In the end, whenever we forfeit our ability to ask questions and analyze the answers, we forfeit our intellectual integrity. Whether the absence of questioning and thought is the result of wholesale acceptance of terminology and stereotypes or of buying into someone's vociferously voiced morals and principles, we surrender who we are in the process.

I invite you to identify the words in your life that serve as principles and then to explore what you really mean by them, whether or not you really buy into them, and if so, how they affect your integrity.

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Labels: all blogs, education, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

In our first article in this series we defined studentship and how we measure it. In the second article, we talked about the importance creating a vision of who we want to become when embarking upon a new learning adventure. In this installment, we'll talk about finding a teacher or mentor.

What Type of Student Are You?
What makes a teacher great depends largely on your studentship and what you want to learn. The stronger your studentship, the more options you'll have. The best teacher may be a single teacher, a group of teachers, or perhaps no teacher at all.

For example, if you struggle with motivation and persistence, then you may require a teacher who is a strong motivator and task master. If you're self-motivated and persistent, then you can focus more exclusively on finding teachers with strong content and understanding.

Consider learning to diagnose and fix computers. On one end of the spectrum, you could sign up for a yearlong course that provides a classroom, materials, a lab and many other students with whom you can share and work. On the other end of the spectrum, there's the old junky computer that someone is ready to discard, a couple of books, and google. Either of these scenarios can provide an optimal learning experience depending on your level and quality of studentship. There's no right or wrong answer, it's just important to calibrate yourself in a meaningful and accurate way.

Studentship Assessment
In the following assessment the answers involve a scale of one to ten. Before answering each question, calibrate your answer by first identifying someone who exemplifies a true ten and someone who exemplifies a true one. Then, place yourself on that scale.

For example, when answering the question on resourcefulness, picture of the most self-reliant, independent, never-needs-help person you can think of and make them the ten. Then think of the person who is the most opposite and make them a one.

1. Do you learn better in a large group, small group or one-on-one (one-to-one being a ten)?
   
   
2. How self-motivated are you (ten being strongly self-motivated)?
   
   
3. How resourceful are you, that is, how good are you at finding resources, references, answers and tools without assistance (ten being the most resourceful) ?
   
   
4. Do you learn more from lectures and reading, or do you learn more from doing exercises and homework (one being exclusively from lectures and reading and ten being exclusively from exercises and homework)?
   
   
5. How quickly do you get frustrated when you can't find the answer to questions that impede your progress (ten being never getting frustrated and one being immediately frustrated)?
   
   
6. How open are you to new ideas and concepts (ten being completely open)?
   
   
7. How tightly do you hold on to who you are and your way of doing things (ten being completely unbound)?
   
   
8. Are you a hard worker (ten being the hardest worker you know)?

Scoring Your Assessment
Add up your scores from the six questions above.

If your score was 60 or above, then you're probably ready to jump into a self-directed learning program where you avail yourself of many resources including practitioners, articles and books, and online classes and videos.

If your score was from 30 to 59, you may be ready for independent study, but want to find a coach or mentor who can help you structure your program and provide you feedback and guidance as you go.

If your score was below 30, then you'll likely want to start with a well structured more formal educational program such as those provided by community colleges or community adult education programs.

All of the above can work well and be quite effective. As you develop your studentship, you'll learn to rely less and less on formal structure and external resources, and more and more on your own skill set.

Finding a Teacher
In this series, we're focusing on the art of studentship itself, not learning a specific topic or skill.

For those of you who scored lower than 50, we'll address challenges such as working independently, becoming resourceful, gaining flexibility and staying motivated in upcoming installments.

If you scored 50 or greater, then the following is a set of tips on finding a great teacher or instructor who can help you work independently towards your goals.

Find Active Practitioners
There's an old axiom: those that can't, teach!

Oftentimes, the people who are best skilled at a task are not the best teachers of a task. They might not to be patient with novices or poor students. They can have little interest in providing motivation or guidance. They're quite interested, even obsessed by their area of skill and expertise. They want to share with others who are similarly motivated and have something to give back.

On the other hand, many teachers are more interested in teaching than doing. Oftentimes, the subject itself is only of marginal interest; they may not be particularly good at it. It's the process of teaching that they most enjoy.

The benefit of being a great student is that you can tap people who are amazing practitioners but have little interest in teaching. By showing up with a vision, passion, persistence, independence and resourcefulness, you can often coax great practitioners into sharing with you the things that make them great.

So, if you can ingest and digest input from a great practitioner (who may not be a great teacher), you'll be able to learn things that would never have been available to you otherwise.

Does the Teacher Actually Understand?
When I began working in technology, I encountered many concepts where I had never heard the words used to describe them, let alone understanding them. I would often ask people to explain them to me. Oftentimes, we would conclude that the concepts were simply to complex for me.

I shared this with my dad who himself had spent a career in technology. I said, "Dad, some of these concepts are so complex that even geniuses can't explain them to me."

My dad simply replied, "That's because they don't understand them."

Since then, I've decided that if I can't explain something, it's simply because I don't understand it. I've also used this as a metric by which I gauge the understanding of others.

As you interview potential mentors or teachers, ask them questions about their area of expertise. See how well they translate esoteric concepts into accessible language. If you find a lot of roadblocks, then you may want to move on to another candidate.

Hands On Experience
The only way to really learn something is through hands on experience. Whether you're looking into a formal group training program or one-on-one guidance, make sure that you have an opportunity to apply what you're learning while being instructed.

For example, a great axiom when teaching something on the computer is, if they ain't typing, they ain't learning. So, if someone were instructing you on the use of a new formula in an Excel spreadsheet or how to play a riff on the piano or how to bake a souffle, make sure that you're the one doing the work and they're the one doing the instruction. If the teacher doesn't want to work in this manner, then it's time to move on.

Discipline vs. Religion
Many teachers develop an almost religious perspective on what they teach demanding near exclusive devotion to the discipline. They may insist that it's impossible to really understand what they're teaching or to put it into practice while pursuing or adhering to other "competing" disciplines.

There is some merit to focus and deep-dive pursuit of a field of study or specific discipline. If you're someone who's bounced from idea to idea or pursuit to pursuit, then this type of approach might be quite useful to you.

On the other hand, there's much to be learned by comparing and contrasting different approaches and disciplines. You may discover breakthroughs that exist in none of them alone. You needn't avoid the religiously committed teachers; recognize that you'll likely pass them by if your studentship is solid.

Alphabet Soup
Over the years, I've had the opportunity to work with hundreds and hundreds of people with advanced degrees, certifications and the like. I've concluded a several things.

First, bell curve distribution seems to apply to any population, even an elite population. The skills, capacity and understanding among a group of PhD's varies significantly.

Second, often times, the people with the credentials are not themselves the practitioners. Essentially, they're experts without experience.

Thirdly, many advanced education programs involve proving orthodoxy and compliance with a discipline. The burden of proving orthodoxy is that the process often drives out creativity and innovation.

When finding a teacher, set aside credentials and certifications. Instead, ask practical questions about their experience with and understanding of what you want to learn. You may find that the best teacher is the least credentialed one.

Conclusion
Step One: assess your level of studentship and learning style.

If you're someone who is resourceful, self-motivated, open to new ways of learning, and able to work independently then, it's time to find someone to work with you. If not, we'll address those challenges later.

Step Two: find yourself a great mentor or teacher with whom to work. Find a teacher who:

1. is an active and passionate practitioner of what you want to learn
2. really understands what they do as evidenced by their ability to explain it
   
3. is willing to provide you guidance through hands-on instruction
4. is open to other disciplines and ideas

Step Three: sell that great teacher on your great studentship.

Homework Assignment
With a strong vision of what you want to learn and who you want to become, and confidence that you have what it takes to be a great student, identify a set of people who would be great mentors or instructors. Using the attributes discussed in our survey, put together your pitch on why you would be a great student. Go make a connection.

Next Time
In our next installment, we'll being talking about motivation, independence, persistence, resourcefulness and flexibility.

Have a great Monday!

Labels: all blogs, business, education, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

In this article I want to focus on what to do when you get caught in an emotional drama with someone who is tipsy or drunk (and maybe you too?!) I combined the categories of "people who are drinking a couple of glasses of alcohol during a dinner" and "people really getting drunk". I personally believe that what I say below reflects well in both situations.

Since I was a very young kid I have been in situations where people around me drank alcohol. In some situations people just drank enough to get tipsy; in other situations people would drink until they were totally drunk. I have been able to observe how human behavior changes when alcohol is in the blood in many, many different situations. I kind of believe to be an expert in this field, an expert by experience...

A couple of days ago, during a wonderful dinner with friends, Sushi and wine, one friend got very upset with Mark's direct communication towards her. Slowly an drama unfolded at the table and it reminded me of past experiences and the basic beliefs I created so long ago and which still seem so useful…

Belief 1. All people change while drinking alcohol, some people radically.

People who normally are quiet might get really loud, people who are normally nice may become very obnoxious, people like me fall asleep... What ever it is, when the person has drunk, you cannot be sure the person will respond the same way as when he/she is sober even if he/she looks untouched by alcohol.

Belief 2. Drunken people sometimes show thoughts and emotions you normally don't see.

I always think that this is an interesting one. It is not only that they seem to show more inner thoughts and emotions. I'm especially intrigued by the ones they show which they normally keep under the surface. I remember when I was in my teenage years and my dad had a girlfriend. When they were sober the relationship seemed wonderful, but when they were drunk, lots of unhappiness would come out that would be fought about and discussed for hours at the time.

Belief 3. It's of no use to "work out" anything while a person is drunk.

I do not believe in "working out" anything with a drunk or tipsy person. The chance of escalating the situation, and discussing the situation for hours, is huge. I believe that the drunken person is less able to reflect on the situation and derive insights they can implement the next day. They might not even remember the conversation the next day! When I am in a conflict with a drunken person where something "needs working out", I tell I would love to discuss it with them the next day with or after a cup of coffee.

Belief 4. Drunk people might not like the solution mentioned in number 3.

Because for drunk people emotions and feelings seem to be so big, sometimes they will insist that the situation has to be solved in that instant and cannot wait until the next day. The more insistent they are on that, the more I recommend to stay persistent in solution 3 and move the conversation to the next day.

Belief 5. Don't expect the conversation to happen the next day without you pushing for it.

Finding a solution and "work it through" can be very important for the person whilst in drunk stage, but don't expect the same response the next day. If the person was drunk enough the day before, then might not remember the discussion clearly or they might not remember it at all. If the person was only tipsy, the emotions are back probably are back under the layers of control and might not come out without you asking about it or until the next time the person is drunk and you are together. Or the person might be so frustrated and irritated about the situation that they don't want to talk at all.

Belief 6. If the person is important enough stay pushing until the air is cleared.

For me this has always been the most difficult part in a relationship with people getting drunk regularly. If a person is only willing to talk about their emotional stuff when drunk and not over coffee, it's up to the other person to insist to having the conversation over coffee.

Growing up I used to be in drunken people situations so often (with the same people) that I started to believe some people do not intent to learn and move on, but that some just want to hold on to the unhappy feelings inside. Holding this "some do not intend to learn" belief, I gave up many times. This belief has been a cornerstone of why I decided to break up many relationships in my past.

I realize in this moment that if I had started my conversations with these people out of my want to be in relationship with them and the want to improve the relationship with them, and had I would have left my judgments at home; lots of these relationships probably would have flourished instead.

Belief 7. A conversation is not about right and wrong but about wants.

If you both want to be in the relationship together, you can work it out together. Anything can be discussed during coffee and there are always answers to be found. If you stay away from what is right and wrong, ahh... the most beautiful things can happen!

Enjoy your Friday!

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

In our last installment, we defined what we mean by studentship and how we are going to measure studentship. Also, we received an assignment to determine an area in which we would like to develop our studentship. Assuming you've determined that area, let's move on to the next step.


Building Vision
An essential skill of any great student is the ability to create, develop, refine and sustain vision. Why is this important? A clear and specific vision of what you want to learn and who you want to become enables you to chart the best course to where you're going, make decisions as to what's important and what's not, and sustain you when the going gets tough.

For example, if you want to become a great runner, having a strong vision of running with strength and agility across Colorado Rockies can help you when it's time to get on the treadmill at 6AM. A strong vision of millions of people reading, enjoying and discussing your book can help you to break through writer's block. Seeing yourself on stage, accompanying yourself on guitar in front of thousands of people, can help you get past the stage where your fingers simply won't do what you're asking them to do.

Making It Vivid
To make vision effective, it's important to make it vivid with clarity and specificity.

Consider the skill set you want to acquire or develop. Now, picture yourself in full mastery of that skill set. What does it look like?

For example, if you want to become a musician, what does it look like when you succeed? Are you a singer or do you play an instrument? What instrument do you play? What type of music do you sing? What songs do you play? Where do you play? In coffee shops? In large arenas? What type of audiences come to hear you? Are you recording albums? Are you writing original music?

Play with it. Enjoy the process! Make your vision big, clear and specific.

Perhaps you want to be an Microsoft Excel wizard? Yes, you can create a vision for that! What does it look like to be an Excel wizard? Where and how do you use your skills? What kinds of applications are you supporting? Are you working for a large company or a small one? Are you a specialist called in on high priority projects? What does it feel like to be recognized as an expert? What are the benefits of your expertise? Who do you help? Can you see the smiles on their faces when you solve their problems?

Again, make it big, clear and specific.

Regardless of what it is that you want to learn, the key to vision is clarity, specificity and making it as big as possible. If you want to paint, then play it all the way out to the opening of your first exhibit. If you want to write, then play it out to the publication of your first article or book.

Identifying Your Heroes
A great way to make your vision more concrete is to identify people who represent what you want to become. Ideally, you want to pick someone whom you know and have access to. If there's no one like that around, then pick someone whom you can study beyond the actual skills you want to acquire: someone about whose life and personality you can learn.

Once you've identified someone on whom to model yourself, study them. If they're someone you know, ask them questions about what they do and how they do it. Ask them questions about what motivates them. Ask them questions about they're learning process and studentship. Ask them about the times they felt like quitting. What did they do? How did they break through?

If it's someone you don't have access to, then google them! Read books and articles about them. Study their work.

Bring to life the person or people who best represent who you want to become.

Homework
Your homework assignment is to create a vision for yourself based on what you want to accomplish. Create your vision in as big and as concrete a way as possible.

Play with it. Write it down. Refine it. Share it with friends. Throw the whole thing out and start again. Identify heroes and bring your vision to life. Most of all, delight in the process!

Next
In our next installment, we'll talk about translating vision into a practical action plan.

Labels: all blogs, business, education, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

There are moments in my life that I perceive as more challenging than others. It might be a big event like changing jobs or moving from one place or another. It might be a small event like not eating properly and my body responding with allergies or with wobbly sugar levels. It can even be something as basic as my monthly female thing or not having slept enough.

Sometimes challenge doesn't seem to be the right word to describe my situation (in my mind!). Instead of an exciting challenge, I see the bad, unwelcome, horrible, un-overcome-able challenge. In these moments, I have often give myself the feeling of despair; I seem to drift on water like a boat that lost his anchor. I lose all direction or clarity...

The funny thing is that it's not the situation that is the problem. I can have exactly the same challenge over and over and respond differently each time. Lots of times, I fully embrace the situation, loving end enjoying the challenge. Other times, I struggle with frustration. And sometimes... I completely despair. My conclusion: it's not the situation that is doing it to me; I am doing it with the situation.

Energized or Despairing
In any situation, I can be emotionally and/or physically challenged in a happy energizing way or in an unhappy despairing way.

In the happy approach, I am in control of my thinking and what I am doing. I am creative in making plans and executing them. I am enjoying my process of working through the challenge.

In the unhappy, despairing approach, I feel emotionally and/or physically exhausted. I don't seem to understand what is happening with me or anything around me. The world has gone "alien" on me.

Moving from Despairing to Energized
If challenges seem to influence me in an unhappy way, I normally handle them by going to bed early and making sure I eat correctly. Most of the time this does the trick! I get back on the rails overnight, and the next day I approach the challenge with new clarity and enthusiasm.

I think we all have ways to help ourselves though challenging times with simple things like sleeping and eating well. The trick is knowing what they are and being aware of when we need them. If we do this, then challenges are an amazing and exciting part of life .

Improving Your Awareness
The first key to avoiding despair is early recognition that you might not be at your best. There are several clues that come to mind.

First Clue: You responded as you normally do when of dealing with the challenge and it's not helping. You still feel lousy and it's getting worse over time.

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

Over the past months, I've been working with a really good friend, Jonathan, on software for a device that can predict heart attacks hours before they happen. My job has been writing the software that embodies the device that detects the heart attacks. The work is a lot fun and I love working with Jonathan who is smart, quick and creative. We have great economy of communication, the work is stimulating, and the potential benefits to people are exciting.

Calm Amid Chaos?
As I've worked on the software, Iris has made note of my being really relaxed, at ease and not distracted. We've had some fun discussions about why that might be.

Normally, I tend to bounce from idea to idea, topic to topic, and so on. In fact, several years ago I was prescribed a medication called Adderall for what I was told was classic Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

For me, the medication was a godsend. I was able to attend meetings that went on for hours with sustainable attention and focus. I became totally at ease and patient in situations where I would previously have been impatient and fidgeting. The medication even affected my driving -- I drove slowly (well, at the speed limit).

What Iris noticed about my working with Jonathan and a task that is interesting and challenging is this: it had the same effect on me as the Adderall. The more challenging and complex the task, the more at ease I seemed to be.

So, that got me to thinking...

Life Before Adderall
When I was growing up, conditions like ADD and that mixing up letters thing, well, they weren't conditions at all. This left you classified as misbehaving or not-so-bright. So, I usually found myself at the bottom of my class.

I can remember taking tests with multiple choice answers and coming up with reasons why any one of the answers could be correct. As a result, my test scores were about what you would get if you answered randomly.

My folks, doing the best the could, decided I simply wasn't trying hard enough. (Of course, this helped me tremendously...) In the end, I decided that I simply couldn't do anything that involved study, mathematics or English.

Life as an Alien
The thing I remember most vividly about those times is feeling like an alien. I just didn't fit in and couldn't do even simple things. The harder I tried, the farther afield I would drift. I would have given anything to fit in, to be normal.

For my parents, my fitting in and doing well was important. They had their own fears of what it might mean to not fit in. How would I take care of myself? Would I be accepted? Would I be alone?

Of course, seeing my parents' concerns only exacerbated my own concerns. There were times when I was outright scared. And, I didn't want to talk to my folks because they seemed scared too.

The Upside
On the one hand, having ADD (note, I'm using having ADD in the vernacular) made it difficult for me to do normal things like sitting in classrooms, attending meetings, conducting small talk or working in a highly repetitive job. However, there's another side to the story...

Having ADD also gave me a voracious appetite for rapidly changing environments and for highly complex and challenging tasks that require intensity and creativity. It allowed me to be really comfortable, no, most comfortable, when the situation was fast moving and furious.

Ultimately, I'm not always great at simple, everyday tasks, but I'm really great at tasks that seem impossible to others.

Supporting the Not-Normal People In Our Lives
As someone who seemed destined not to do well, I believe that I got really lucky on two fronts.

First, I was so bad at normal stuff, that I had to resort to exceptional stuff just to get by.

Second, my life has been filled with people who were able to see past my inability to do normal things and see that I had the ability to do extraordinary things. Amazingly, they didn't see normal as a prerequisite to exceptional. They gave me a shot.

If you or people in your life are struggling with normalcy and fitting in, then I would suggest that you try a new approach.

First, decide that normalcy is irrelevant, or better yet, that it's a hindrance to being exceptional.

Second, in light of the first decision, explore what really matters to you or them. Embrace the things that are wonderfully extraordinary with clarity, depth and specificity.

Third, embark on developing those things that define you or them as exceptional and make them the best they can be.

Happy Tuesday!

Labels: acceptance, all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Over the past months, I've found myself in consulting or teaching positions across a variety of environments ranging from starting businesses to developing software to improvising music to writing marketing materials to editing movies. In each instance, someone has brought me a task with which they wanted help. Several people were working on starting their first businesses. Others were writing letters or resumes. Still others wanted to learn to play songs on guitar or piano without the need of chord sheets or sheet music.

I love working with people in situations like this, specially when they're prepared to work hard and learn.

This morning, it occurred to me that, as much as I enjoy any one of these disciplines, what I enjoy most is the process of learning itself. In some ways, the disciplines (e.g., language, business, music, technology, etc.) are just fuel for the learning process; it's learning and growth that I love. Although people might call me an accomplished musician or strong business person or computer wiz, I believe that what I am is an excellent student. Everything else is just a byproduct of studentship.

So, with that in mind, I thought I'd share thoughts on learning and studentship. If you find them useful, I'd love to hear about it; if you find them not useful, I'd love to hear about it as well.

What is Studentship
Before diving into how to become a good student, let's define what studentship means (to me).

For me, studentship refers to one's ability to acquire and put into practice new knowledge and skills.

Note: I didn't include acquisition of knowledge alone as that would refer to memorizing, not studentship. Also, the putting into practice part is essential; for me, a skill not made manifest in practice doesn't exist.

How Do We Measure Studentship?
Using this definition, the metrics of studentship are based on one's capacity to acquire and put into practice new knowledge and skills in a given period of time at a given level of quality. So, we have three factors:

1. The quantity or volume of skill and knowledge acquired (volume v);
2. The length of time required to acquire that knowledge and skill (unit of time t); and,
3. The quality with which the skills and knowledge can be practiced (quality q).

So we would measure studentship in terms of volume times quality all divided by time, or vq/t. Let's call the measurement a learning quotient.

For example, let's say that Iris has the ability to learn one new song (volume) at a level where she feels comfortable singing it in front of an audience (quality) per day (time). Then, the Iris Learning Quotient (ILQ) for songs would be: one audience-grade song per day.

What I like about this model is that it can be completely self-relative to the student. The model is completely based on Iris, what she wants to learn, her definition of quality and how quick she is.

One Wrinkle
To tune up this model a bit, we need to think of volume in terms of a percentage growth, not absolute growth. In the case of Iris' capacity to acquire new songs, we would think of the number of songs acquired per day compared to the number of songs she already knows. If Iris already knew 100 songs, then one new song would represent 1% growth (one divided by 100).

Why is this modification important? Moving from absolute growth to relative growth helps us to account for the things that we already know; it makes our learning metric discipline-independent. For example, as Iris learns songs, she develops her singing skills. As she becomes a better singer, she increases her capacity to add new songs to her repertoire.

Over time, Iris would depend less on her learning ability to acquire new songs, and more on her singing ability. As we measure learning, we don't want to confuse the acquisition of new skills with the use of existing skills. By making the volume relative to what we already are capable of doing, we help avoid this confusion.

Three Legged Stool
Okay, so we now have a definition of studentship:


We also have three metrics that we can combine to measure studentship:



Caveats...
There are a couple of things I'd like to point out.

First, in this article and the articles that follow, I won't be writing about things that are true. This is a practical guide to studentship; I'm simply writing things that I've seen work. If you're looking for truth, well...

Second, if not everything works for you, then, it might be because some of these ideas don't apply to your situation. Or, it might be that you haven't learned them yet.

Over the coming days, I'll talk about ways to put this model of studentship into effect in your life. I hope that many of you will enjoy and benefit from this series. I believe that you'll find that there are many things you believed depended on talent or native ability, that in fact, simply require good studentship.

Homework
To make this series more useful, I'd like to ask you to each select something in your life that you've always wanted to learn, but have decided was inaccessible to you simply because you didn't have the talent or the skill or the gift or whatever. Alternatively, there might be something you've been doing for a long time, but feel stuck in terms of your development.

In either case, we'll be using your personal quest to put into practice some of the things we'll be talking about through the series.

Have a great Tuesday!

Labels: all blogs, business, education, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

(I wrote this blog post a while ago, but I love how it shows the power of the Option Process Dialogue when we choose to use it.)

My cell phone rang in the hotel room at 1:40 AM.

A Perfect Day
Karen (my best friend and romantic partner at the time) and I had spent an absolutely magical day driving through the White Mountains of New Hampshire and into Maine. We had WOW moments all day long, from the views of the mountains and rivers, to listening to music and Karen asking me questions about this or that lyric and why that particular song was special to me. Deepening our relationship through time and words.

We had visited a place of wonder for me as a boy -- a pond in Maine where I had spent 3 summers between the ages of 11 and 13 and where I first experienced the true power of the concept of "the cause is in the future" -- a story for another time. We fished for a few moments right from the exact spot where I had fished 32 years before and we each caught and released a beautiful Northern Chain Pickerel on our first casts.

We settled into the hotel and got recommendations on a place to eat nearby -- a sweet spot at a restaurant with an upstairs balcony overlooking the river. Candlelight, snuggles and sweet conversation.

Anger Becomes An Opportunity
Back then to the hotel and eventually to sleep. This is where the issue flared. Karen had not been sleeping well -- if at all. So on this night she finally fell asleep and was sleeping well when the phone rang and woke her up. I ran to the phone and shut it off as fast as I could, but the moment could not be undone. She was now wide awake and she had not been able to get to sleep after waking up in the night since she was a child. How could someone think to call at that hour and end her finally - achieved deep sleep? She said she was very angry, although it came across more as major frustration. I asked her what I could do for her at that moment. She said nothing, since there was no way for her to fall back to sleep after she woke up in the night. I asked "Why not?", although I surmised it might have had something to do with her having endured 10 years of sexual abuse as a child.

A Permanent Solution Is Found
At that moment there were two ways she could have gone: 1) back away, close off, not answer, or 2) answer, knowing that we would then be into me mentoring her in an Option Process Dialogue.

Labels: all blogs, brian ellis, philosophy

Yesterday we had a really amazing birthday party for Iris.

One of the things that I always find really enjoyable about our parties is that they typically involve a wonderfully diverse group of people for whom the only connection is Iris and I. That being the case, I love playing a game that Iris and I first began playing while sitting in the coffee shop observing people. It's called, "What's His Story?"

What's His Story?
What's His Story is a really simple game. Essentially, you observe someone for a few moments and then share what you've made up as that person's story. Who they are... What they do... How they got to where they are... What they're concerned about... There situation... and so on. It's amazing how many amazing people we've seen in the coffee shop: actors incognito, spies and terrorists, composers and authors, secret lovers, secret haters. All made up on the fly.

So, when we have a bunch of people together who don't know each other, I often like to break the ice by asking one person to tell the story of another whom they don't know. Of course, it's much more fun at parties than in the coffee shop because we get the opportunity to compare the made-up story with the real story.

Getting It Right
Yesterday, we began playing What's His Story by asking our friend Kathy to tell the story of our friend Butch. Kathy hemmed and hawed saying that she couldn't tell Butch's story because she didn't know him well enough.

I explained to Kathy that What's His Story isn't about getting it right; it's about taking your impressions, observations and beliefs and running with them.

Essentially, whenever we meet someone for the first time, we start filling in the blanks based on what we observe and what we believe; we start telling that person's story to ourselves. For example, if we're standing in line at the coffee shop behind someone wearing surgical scrubs, we might decide that she works at a hospital. If someone is tailgating us and weaving in and out of the lane trying to pass, we might decide that he's an idiot and really impatient, or, we might decide that he has a critically injured friend in the car and is trying to get to the hospital. We make things up about people all the time.

The difference between what we normally do and What's His Story, is that when playing the game, we actually voice what we normally keep to ourselves. The game says a lot more about the story teller than the story's subject.

No Offense!
With a firm understanding of What's His Story basics, Kathy proceeded to tell Butch's story. However, as she proceeded, she would pause ever once in a while apparently holding back something that she had intended to say or changing course in mid-sentence. It became clear that Kathy wasn't saying everything that was coming to mind because she didn't want to offend Butch.

So, we came to another What's His Story basic. When we observe and make up stories about people, some of the things we make up are positive and some are negative. The charges themselves are subject to interpretation; one person's positive might be another person's negative. Nonetheless , we absolutely have judgments about some of the things that we make up. For example, if we observe someone and decide that he's of the idle rich, we might have a work ethic that considers that a bad thing or, we might have a work ethic that considers that to be a good thing.

In many budding relationships, we create these beliefs and judgments early on and never voice them. More importantly, these beliefs and judgments shape how we behave in the relationship: what we share and don't share, where we go in discussions, topics that we avoid, and so on...

The beauty of What's His Story is getting these out on the table right away. We engage early on the judgments and beliefs that might otherwise inhibit or completely block the development of a great new relationship.

Often Wrong, Never in Doubt
Armed with this understanding What's His Story basics, Kathy continued her story of Butch. It was a nice story with the occasional hesitation or apology, but we made it through.

Without pausing to ask Butch for confirmation or denial of any of Kathy's story elements, we asked others to tell Butch's story, and like Kathy, many were hesitant to embark upon telling their version of the story. That is, until we got to Mark K...

Mark boldly embarked upon telling a most remarkable life story of Butch which included everything from smuggling Hispanic immigrants into to US via Canada to selling drugs to creating and running a free drug treatment program with a 7% success rate. Mark filled in details with great specificity and without hesitation, pausing only for dramatic effect or waiting for the laughter to stop.

It was a lot of fun and Mark was neither inhibited by getting it right nor by concern over offending Butch.

Want to Play?
Since each of us plays What's His Story any way, you might consider playing out loud at your next event or meeting or party where you have new people meeting one another. It's a great opportunity to learn a lot about the people you're meeting and it's fun for each person who is the subject of the story to hear the types of impressions they leave with others.

By the way, after the stories are told. One can optionally ask the person who is the subject of the stories to tell the real story. But that's up to you.

Have a great Sunday!

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

It's been so wonderful and amazing to come back to the Berkshires after 7 months to visit my friends. The way we all connect so instantly, it's like I've haven't been gone. I am so grateful for the loving, happy, authentic, and fabulously fun family I have created for myself!

I remember being in a class at the Option Institute and Bears was teaching. The subject of gratitude came up. Bears asked the class how gratitude has changed their lives. I answered the question but my answer came out muttled and without umph and passion. I explored why I was speaking that way and realized it was because I didn't believe I could capture and express how grateful I am for gratitude! My feelings seemed too big for words and I was judging my simple response (and consequently lived up to my belief)--which went something like: "Gratitude....ah....um.... it's good". Now I see this response as so cute and so me! And I am constantly changing. SIMPLE IS GOOD!

I've changed my attitude from depressed and self-critical to happy, empowerd, present and loving by being and expressing gratitude moment to moment.

I would like to share some of this beautiful life changing gratitude with you and a poem I recently wrote.

Thank you Susan for opening your home and bringing us all together--what a warm and touching welcome. Thank you Rita for being so open and honest with me. Through the lessons we offer each other, we can see that we really are the same at our core, even though we seem so different. Thank you Paula for your passion, for believing in me and sharing your dreams and yourself with me. Thank you Katrina for encouraging me to be myself. Thank you Camila for loving me so deeply for no reason. Thank you Burr for living your song. Thank you for coming B-ruce it simply wouldn't be the same without you there. Thank you Tim and Athena for your ways in this world--you show me anything is possible.

Thank you Kim for your delight in life, your child-like joy in all that you do. I love singing randomly and playing guitar with you. Thank you Mark for your smile and hugs--so heartwarming. Thank you Iris for being an excited friend always eager to listen. Thank you Julie for being a never ending friend, always supportive, teaching and inspiring me to connect. Thank you Brandi, Becky, and Paula for singing your heart song--you inspire me. Thank you David for your constant eye contact, smiles, words, laughter and crashing into the mat with me....how much fun we had. Thank you brownies for returning Kim's keys! I am so so so blessed!

CONNECTION...
a sparkle of magic
between friends
seeing myself in you
our similarities are true
learning from and
honoring differences
they make this world
more fun
sharing joy
uniting as one
we click
and I can
with anyone
a choice,
my intention
I hear your call:
connection is
love--
the best
teacher of
all

Labels: all blogs, jeannene christie