Belief Makers

I just completed a CranioSacral Therapy (CST) course through the Upledger Institute. It was a fabulous class and I learned a lot. This type of therapy is congruent with the Son-Rise Program and is helpful for people who have autism, ADHD, learning disabilities, headaches, neck and back pain, tension and many other conditions. Many people, including myself, use it for preventative and well-care as it is very relaxing.



CranioSacral Therapy is a gentle touch approach (about the weight of a nickel) used to facilitate the bodies natural healing capabilities and propensity towards wellness.

There are many rhythms in the body. Blood circulation and breathing are two of the most commonly known, easy to feel and see. Although more subtle, cerebral spinal fluid flows through us is a rhythmic manner of about 6-12 cycles per minute in adults and with some training and practice one can feel this rhythm as well.

One of the major things I like about CranioSacral therapy and why I see it as so congruent with Son-Rise and the Option philosophy is the importance placed on the attitude, or intent of the therapist. The therapist takes a neutral, non-directive standpoint of listening and following the body rather than indulging in thoughts of trying to fix it. The body takes care of itself -- the therapist doesn't know what healing means to each specific person. The therapist is present with the person's process and offers a helping hand. Very often, being held within this attitudinal space, the body welcomes the assistance and then guides the therapist to do what is most helpful.


With a neutral intent and gentle touch the therapist's hands blend with the client's body and therefore do not activate the natural defense mechanism. CranioSacral therapy releases membranes restrictions and suture compressions in the craniosacral system due to everyday stresses and strains as well as from more serious traumas (e.g. car accidents, falls, birth complications etc.). These releases consequently help cerebral spinal fluid flow more smoothly.

John Upledger, the person who developed CranioSacral therapy, believes "somewhere inside you is the answer to every question that can be asked about you"(p. 117). He calls this part the Inner Physician and uses CST to access one's inner wisdom.

It has been found that people with autism tend to have tight dura maters (the membrane around the brain). In Upledger's work providing CranioSacral treatments to this population, he found that they became less self injurious and improved social behavior. After these children had felt the special touch, they sought out the therapist and lined up to receive more. One little boy I read about lay still for two hours while receiving his treatment.

There are simple techniques in CranioSacral therapy that can be learned by caregivers and parents to use on a daily basis to improve the health and well-being of their children.


Reference:
Your Inner Physician and You: CranioSacral Therapy and SomatoEmotional Release
by John E. Upledger, 1997

Labels: autism, craniosacral therapy, jeannene christie

One of my favorite mottoes is:

The path to the future is brightly illuminated by the bridges burning behind us.

I like this motto for a bunch of reasons.

First, it reminds me of a time in my life when I left the security of a highly paid position in a large company for the the uncertainty of a start-up that I founded using savings and credit cards to pay people until I could get funding.

Second, for me, it provides a shortcut to confidence, whenever I find myself hesitant or anxious about moving into something new.

Third, the motto that I find so edifying and comforting seems to provoke a visceral and negative response in many people. "Hey, you don't want to burn any bridges!"

Freedom's Just Another Word...
There are so many cases in which burning bridges is the best way to guarantee success in a new endeavor.

If you've embarked on a new adventure but find yourself consistently distracted by thoughts of turning back, cutting off your path of retreat can help you attain new levels of focus and clarity. If you find yourself holding back or hiding because of concerns of what others will think of you, then simply letting the cat out of the bag can be a wonderfully freeing experience.

To be clear, you don't need to actively burn your bridges to benefit from the motto; you need only adopt the attitude that "not being able to go back" is okay.

EilaNevaFailYa
Just prior to her senior year in high school, my daughter Eila (pronounced with a long A) and I were talking about her class selection which was filled with advanced placement classes for college. As we talked, it occurred to me to ask, "Hey Eila, are these the classes that you really want to take?"

Eila immediately responded, "Oh, no dad. I'd much rather take art and music classes, but that would be so impractical."

So, we talked about it.

Eila ended up filling her senior year with art and music.

The next year, she enrolled at Emerson College in Boston. By the middle of the first semester, she decided that it was "boring". She dropped out, took a job at Urban Outfitters and considered her next move.

She decided that she wanted to study fashion design in Florence, Italy. She found the school, did all the prep work, and then headed off to Florence. She spent the year studying, speaking Italian, meeting new people and spending her weekends traveling on the cheap to different parts of Europe.

The following year, she enrolled at Parsons School of Design in Manhattan. She was living on Union Square West and doing great.

Obliged to Continue
One day, just after her mid-term exams, Eila and I were talking on the phone. She told me about all she was doing and the amazing feedback that she had received from all her teachers.

Then she started crying.

I said Eila, "Why are you crying? You're doing so well!"

Eila responded, "Yeah, Dad. And I hate it."

It turned out that, although Eila was doing really well in school, she simply didn't like what she was doing. Yet, she felt that, because she was good and because she'd invested so much in getting where she was, she was somehow obligated to continue.

As we talked about it, Eila decided that she didn't want to continue at Parsons.

Everyone told her she was crazy. Her teachers saw that she had a promising future in design. Her friends had all drunk the "you have to finish college" cool-aid.

Optimal Self-Trust
With all this feedback, Eila started to doubt her decision. One day, she told me that she wasn't sure if she could really trust herself. I grabbed a copy of the Option Institute catalog and looked up the Optimal Self-trust program which as it turns out was being offered the following week. We called Zoe and enrolled Eila in the program.

From my perspective the program had an amazingly transformative effect. Eila, who was already a quite confident person, came home a powerhouse of confidence and self-ownership. On her way home from the program, she gave me a call. I asked Eila what her biggest learning had been in the program. Eila said:

"Dad, I realize why I was so uncomfortable not being in school. When I'm not in school, I have no one to grade me. I decided that I don't need anyone to grade me anymore."

Today Eila is the general manager of a restaurant in Harvard Square called Border Cafe. She absolutely loves the restaurant business and her job. Despite the dire predictions regarding her financial future, she's doing fine. And most importantly, she's really happy.

Burning Your Bridges
One of the things that I've learned over the years is that, when you start something really new and different, there are going to always be people who aren't happy about it. It might be that they simply don't understand what you're doing. It might be that they see it as wrong. They might feel threatened by it. They might see your confidence and energy as an indictment of their own lack of action.

Regardless of their motivations, you may find yourself in the position of choosing between your friends, colleagues and family, and your vision of who you want to become or what you want to do. In these instances, the most useful path forward may involve bridge burning.

Some Bridges Just Won't Burn
I should note that some bridges only appear to burn. I've had many times in my life where people got outright angry at me for moving forward with something they didn't want me to do. Oftentimes, they would see what I was doing as somehow threatening.

From my perspective, they simply didn't understand and I didn't want to wait for them to understand. I also figured that they'd probably come around eventually, but I was going to be concerned about it.

What's really cool is that, oftentimes, they do come around.

Have an awesome Wednesday!

Labels: all blogs, business, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Today, Julie and her boyfriend Brian start their big move from the Northeast to California. They will travel by car and do some work along the way. It is a combination trip with work and pleasure.

My friend Mary from the Netherlands is starting to get ready to go back to the Netherlands. She and Brian are having an intense couple of last days, because when she flies back it will be only Internet and phone to communicate until Brian visits the Netherlands.

When my friend Paul arrived on Saturday, we integrated him in our busy schedule that now combines sightseeing with playing music, starting up a company, work through other scheduled stuff and do some socializing with friends. By Monday morning Paul revealed that he was happy to be able to stay home that day and settle in while Mark and I went to work and did our busy thing!

So, this makes me think about relaxation. It's a topic lots of people seem to talk about when they are busy or are in the middle of an intense lifestyle. They have theories about the amount of relaxation you need and about how important balance is in your life. As a mentor, I like to clarify words like relaxation and balance and it is intriguing that these words have so many meanings that it is hard to understand each other, without clarification.

Some people use relaxation to describe the period they don't have to work. It's the time they spend with family and friends. For some it's time they only spend on "want to", and "have to" is not invited! These people often get disappointed, because there seems never to be enough time for the "want to". For others it's a word they use to point out to others that their schedules are ridiculous and what they do is unhealthy. Then there are people who use relaxation not to describe any physical action, but relaxation of the mind. You also have different groups in this category:  like the group who wants to relax themselves and the group who tells others to relax!

The word balance seems to mean in most of these kind of conversations: a balance between work and relaxation! Personally, I do not believe in a distinction between work and relaxation, so I do not believe in balance. Let me try to explain how I operate:

I believe that relaxation is a state of mind. I do not attach being relaxed to what I am doing, but to the happiness I choose while doing it. The intense feeling of happiness  is what I describe as relaxation. So I relax while writing this blog and getting my mind clear on this subject. I relax while discussing the daily tasks with Mark so we are sure that everything works out, I relax while stacking three cords of wood, or when I have sex, when I am in the playroom or doing a dialogue.

There are things that can influence my state of mind in a negative way (choosing unhappiness). Some very practical examples are food (I am intolerant for milk and white flower products) and sleep. But I cannot say that I do balance with those either. There are moments that I can do with six hours of sleep a night, and there are other periods that I sleep eight or nine hours a night. There are foods that I avoid, but I do not use a regulated schedule or program to make sure I balance my food. There are even moments in which I choose the immediate happiness of sharing a meal with someone instead of taking care of my diet! This I start to do less and less, because my body seems to slowly develop more intolerance to certain foods.

I do have my preferences: I want to spend time with my husband Mark, I want to do work that is meaningful and gratifying, I want to go on a holiday once in a while, I want to enjoy the people and the world around me. I want to share my thoughts with others. And the fun thing is: when I create what I want, I am happy and so... relaxed!

How do you relax? How do you define relaxation and balance? Do you do balance in your life?

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

I often hear people talking about how they want to get more balance in their lives. When I ask them about this, they tend to talk about working less, spending more time at home with family, taking more time to travel, eating better, getting more exercise and so on.

They often tell me that I work too much and that I should create more balance in my life. I thought about this a lot over the weekend as I tried to balance a heap of work that I really wanted to finish with all the other activities in my life.

A Full Life
From a work perspective, "a lot on my plate" would be an understatement. Additionally, we've had a fairly steady flow of people staying with us which often involves taking more time to clean, cook, transport, etc. We have our band and gigs and recordings. We have many different social engagements each week. I like to spend at least an hour a day working out. I really love writing this blog. I've been painting the house and repairing this and that. And on and on...

If not balanced, I certainly have full life.

And yet, there are so many other things that I'd like to do.

Hmmm... Maybe working less would be a good idea?

What Do I Want?
But then it occurs to me that the things that I'm working on are things I really want to see happen. They're things that will really benefit people in a big way. They're things that haven't been done before and that some people consider un-doable.

In my experience, no one has ever done things like that and had what people would call a balanced lifestyle. Some would call it making sacrifices, but I disagree. I see it simply as having a strong desire to accomplish what you want to accomplish and making it important enough that there are other things you don't do.

You can view it as a vacuum or as a space full to overflowing.

Infinite Possibility in Finite Existence
One of the things that I love about my friend Mark is that he tends to vacillate between two frames of mind. One is that of limitless capacity and possibility, and the other is that of zero capacity and possibility. For example, when we talk about his relationship(s) with women, Mark will say that love is infinite and therefore, his capacity to have numerous simultaneous relationships is unlimited. Within the same discussion he'll move to the near hopelessness of finding a relationship that will work for him.

I can't count the number of people who've come to me with great ideas that they're going to transform into new businesses or scientific breakthroughs or brand new lives. They see infinite possibility. They have tremendous energy and enthusiasm. They can conquer the world!

But then something happens. They get distracted by day-to-day activities. They encounter challenges that they hadn't anticipated. They get tired. They run out of money. They stop.

But why? I think the challenge lies in finding balance between the optimism-inspiring concept of unlimited potential and the goal-achieving concept of finite resource and time management.

What are You Willing Not to Do?
One of the first things they teach in time management courses is that it's not about time management, it's about priority management. If you've been considering paying for a time management course, simply doing the following can save you some money.

First, get yourself a watch and a small pad paper.

Second, spend three days accounting for every moment of your day. Whenever you start an activity, write down the activity and the time. When you conclude the activity (or interrupt it), write down that time. Include everything from sleeping to brushing your teeth to watching television to reading blogs to time on Facebook to time with your kids.

Third, after three days, create a list of all the activities that you've tracked so that there's just one entry for each activity.

Fourth, next to each activity, put a number from one to five (where five is very important and one is not important) indicating how important that activity is to you.

Fifth, for each activity, add up the amount of time you've spent on it.

Now, look at your list. How well aligned is the importance that you've placed on each activity with the amount of time you've spent on it? If they're not aligned, you have one of three choices:

1. Reallocate time from something less important to something more important
2. Adjust your priorities to reflect the amount of time you allocate to them
3. Forget about time management and just ignore the whole thing

Whether you're embarking on a new business adventure or a new love relationship, whether you're shooting for the moon or simply trying to get to work on time, I believe this kind of exercise can have a remarkable effect.

Simply cutting out fifteen minutes here and thirty minutes there on a daily basis can make all the difference in the world. You can end up with your head in the clouds and your feet firmly planted on the ground!

When the Going Gets Tough
One more thing.

Often, when we undertake a new and challenging activity or task, we dramatically underestimate the degree of challenge. Things start feeling really difficult and hard.

Many of us ascribe meaning to this. The task feeling difficult or challenging is somehow an indication that we shouldn't be doing it. Something is wrong.

What I've found is this: If things seem challenging and difficult, it may simply be because they are.

Have a great week!

Labels: all blogs, business, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

This morning we drove back home from New York after picking up my Dutch friend Paul. Paul will stay with us over the next two weeks. In the car we discussed the busy schedule we have for the next weeks and how to make his holiday as fun as possible while we also get lots of things done.

Paul is here to play harmonica for the first CD we are creating with our band No Room for Jell-o. But this is not the only project going on at this time. Some of our other open projects are: starting new companies while doing other work that brings in the money, compiling a book, make sure we have articles for the blog, creating the CD and doing performances, making some fixes around the house etc.

After we came home this morning, I did some cleanup around the house, needed to clean up the mess I made earlier in the week. In meanwhile a little voice in the back of my mind was repeating to myself: "hey, you did not yet post your article on the blog" and "hey, you had promised to get this information to this person" and hey, you had planned too.."

I dealt with this by making myself a big list with all the upcoming tasks and work the list down based on priorities. This feels good and I feel I am in charge by picking what I do first and what can wait. I am always surprised how little time I have for all the things I want to do! If there would be 36 hours in a day, I still would not get bored!

How do you handle your busy schedule? Do you repeat the things you want to remember to yourself constantly? Do you have other ways of handling it?

I wish you all an organized Sunday!

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

I think one reason why I love working with my little friends with special needs is that in some ways I was a special needs child too! In a way, a lot of us were probably special needs children when we were young. The diagnostic systems were not what they are today, and at that time there were lots of developmental challenges that were ignored or overlooked in the regular school system.

I love the way I grew up. I love that I have been able to overcome my challenges. I love that my parents and all the other wonderful people around me were not worried, but just accepted that I might need some more time in different areas... It helped me to design a worldview in which I see opportunities and possibilities for everyone. And, I learned that challenges are nothing more than challenges!

So, as a kid I had some speech challenges. My mom could understand me very well, but no one else could! When I was around five years old, people started to talk about getting me into speech therapy. I think my mom decided it was not necessary and I would grow out of it! In lots of ways, I did. The only challenges that have stayed with me for most of my life are that I cannot pronounce the rolling-R like we do in Dutch, and I seem to make the same sounds for the Dutch S and the Dutch Z.  These are other little nuances that most people don't notice.

At that age I LOVED singing. I would sing any time of the day (yep, for sure an ism!) The songs taught to me in kindergarten were sung over and over and over... I specially loved the songs that integrated the lyrics with movements of the body. You could see me singing and dancing everywhere.

When my parents and their friends would hang out, I would be invited to sing for them. In the beginning I did this with great enthusiasm. I would sing and they would laugh.  They would ask me to sing again and, when I did, they would laugh harder and harder. It turns out that they were laughing at my pronunciation;  I sounded "funny".

I would start to get uncomfortable with the laughing because I didn't understand why they were laughing.  Meanwhile, the adults would have great fun asking me to sing more and more. Over time, I would try to avoid these parties and I started to only sing when I was by myself.

I also had dyslexia. For years I was not able to copy a sentence from a book without missing letters or mixing them up or writing in mirror writing. I remember one of the last times my mom tried to help me with it. I was around nine years old.

My mom, my brother and I were sitting at the kitchen table with a schoolbook. She asked me to copy a sentence. I did and she pointed out what I missed or had to correct and asked me to do it again.

I wrote the same sentence again. She pointed out that I made mistakes again.  We continued this process until my mom lost her patience and irritatedly told me, "the only thing you have to do is look and copy that sentence!"

My sweet mom. I just needed more time. Around the time I went to middle school, something seemed to spontaneously change and I started to be able to retain how to write words and language with much greater accuracy. (Read more about dyslexia here Types of Dyslexia)

At different times my parents were told it might be better to hold me back a year and repeat the same class instead of moving forward with my group. For me, my friends were very important and I am still grateful that my parents always chose to keep me with  them, even if that meant I would be behind in certain areas. I built friends that made every challenge worth to overcoming.

In my late twenties, I started to play guitar with a wonderful teacher in the Netherlands. He had a small group of singers that would play and sing together and I joined them. Twelve singers in four main categories (tenor, bass, alto and soprano). We would sing harmonies accompanied by guitar. This was the place where I learned to be more comfortable singing with others and how much fun it is to share something like this together.

Then last year, while visiting the Netherlands, I decided that I wanted to make a music CD. I was not playing or singing with anyone and I didn’t know how to do it, but I decided that by the end of 2009 there would be a CD. If you have read earlier blogs, you know I have been working on my singing and drumming and that I am now part of the band “No Room For Jello”.  You can find some snippets of me singing last night by clicking here. One of the amazing things about this is that my singing exercises have helped me to be able to roll my R's properly. A miracle!

Why am I writing this all? When Sree commented the other day on Mark's article saying that it helped him and that he has new inspiration to look differently at his kids, I realized that a lot of us have amazing stories about growing up that do not fit in the general view of how we kids should develop and by what time. I decided that those stories might help others see things in a different light. The diversity of our experiences creates a wonderful mix of perspectives and strengths that we can use to help each other.

Do you have a story about your life that you want to share with others because it might inspire them? If so, write it down and email it to me and I will make sure it gets posted on this site.

Have a great inspiring Saturday!

Labels: all blogs, inspiration, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

The other day, I was working in the garage with a friend building some new shelves to help us manage our rapidly deminimalizing lifestyle. When I build things, I tend to picture them in my mind and then construct them without drawing sketches etc.

My friend asked me where I'd learned to build like that. I realized it's something that I've always had in my life. My dad is a real "tools" guy. As far back as I can remember, I have always been involved in building this or fixing that, everything from putting up studs for walls to repairing clutches for washing machines to replacing brake shoes and brake lines in cars. It's just part of how I grew up.

My friend said, "so much for 'know one, accomplish all'."

I replied, "What do you mean?"

He said, "Well, with you, it's more like 'know everything, accomplish anything'."

This got me thinking.

Know Everything, Accomplish Anything
Many of you are probably familiar with the phrase "Know One, Accomplish All". It's essentially an admonition against dabbling. It implies that, by truly investing yourself in one discipline, you'll be able to do anything.

I've always liked the phrase. I know many people who always seem to be deeply invested in their passion of the moment. They flit from idea to idea, theory to theory, discipline to discipline, and so on. They run on inspiration, not perspiration.

In these cases, knowing 'one' would be way better than knowing 'none'.

However, I now realize that, if you're past the dabbling phase, the 'know one, accomplish all' approach can be severely limiting. If you're someone who has the wherewithal to invest yourself deeply in understanding a discipline, then there are many conceptual breakthroughs that you can only acheive when you're well grounded in multiple disciplines.

For example, I never really understood English grammar until I learned French. Within the single language, it was very difficult to discern the exceptions and the rules. English was simply too familiar. As I learned French, I picked up a new way of thinking about language, one that I might not have found learning only English. The French-based perspective improved my English.

When I worked in the research group at Bell Laboratories, my colleagues were all PhD's in electrical engineering, computer science and physics. I didn't have a PhD and my background was in music. Still, I did quite well in the organization receiving high ratings and promotions. My training in music gave me a different perspective and way of thinking about technology problems. This allowed me to achieve breakthroughs that wouldn't have come otherwise.

In short, I'm really starting to like the "know everything, accomplish anything" way of thinking.

Staying Young
I recently heard a news story about the School Sisters of Notre Dame in Mankato, Minnesota. This is an order of nuns who on average live well into their 90s and who seem to thrive to the very end of their lives.

About twenty years ago, researchers at the University of Minnesota began a study on the nuns who, in addition to their long lives seemed to have no incidence of Alzheimer's. The nuns not only participated in the study, but also agreed to donate their brains to the project (posthumously, that is).

The amazing part is that, when autopsied, many of the nuns' brains appeared to have the physiological characteristics of Alzheimer's disease. Yet, none of them showed any of the symptoms while alive. It turns out that the nuns stay active throughout their lives (one receptionist was 102), and that they are constantly learning new things and new disciplines. The thinking is that, by actively learning and putting into practice new ideas and disciplines, their brains are always building new pathways, including those that bypass the Alzheimer's.

I'm sure that my explanation above is not up-to-snuff from a medical perspective, but I find the concept intriguing. If we stay active and if we actively learn new things, we may actually increase our lifespans and avoid dementia.

What Do You Mean by 'Is'?
It just occurred to me that my use of the word "know" may not be specific enough. By 'know', I'm not talking about the Trivial Pursuitish, Jeopardiacal memorization of facts; I'm talking about a functional and applicable understanding of how things work. I don't believe that memorizing without understanding will get you there.

A Little Experiment
I'd like to invite you to join me in a little experiment. First, only do this if you've already got the "know one" part down, otherwise, well...

Anyway, if you've invested yourself in and become really accomplished in a specific discipline, pick another, seemingly incompatible discipline that you find appealing, but in which you have not invested. For example, if you're an painter, it might be time to take up bowling. If you're an accountant, it might be time to take up singing. If you're a classical piano player, it might be time to take up jazz. If you're a Catholic, it might be Protestantism or Judaism.

Over the next few months, invest yourself in learning and really understanding the new discipline. As you do so, don't do it from a critical perspective, but instead, do so from the perspective of naive initiate who loves the discipline and really, really, really wants to learn and practice it.

My hypothesis is that, after three months, you will not only have acquired an understanding of something new, but that you will also have developed far better understanding of what you already knew.

Have a great Friday!

Labels: all blogs, education, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

I'm just wondering... Wondering about friendship, closeness and how I define a friendship.

People who know me (lots of you have done programs with me over the last few years) might remember that one of my reccuring issues has been that "I have no friends".

I believe this to be true and not to be true!

I do have friends. I have many friends. I have all kinds of friends.
This week I got a call from a friend I hadn't spoken to in two years, and we just picked up the connection so easily. But, I have known her for 25 years...

Did you read "but..."? Did you know that a sentence beginning with "but" is often a negation of the preceding part of the sentence?

I wanted to say:
But at times I can spend a week without getting a single hug. This is something I regret - AND this is not true: since I started to volunteer in a play-room I know that at least I’ll get hugs on Saturdays - in the playroom.

My next upcoming thought is: I don't have people to talk to. People who'll listen, people who are close... This is not really true either! On my way from work or when I get home and start walking the dog I'll often call someone. Call someone with whom I can share what has happened at work, or what I expect will happen soon. Just someone to share my everyday thoughts. And seeing that during the day I share my thoughts with my colleagues, why do I tend to not take this into consideration when I say that I do not have people to talk to?

I want to have someone who lives close, someone who can join me running, who'll drop by for a cup of coffee. I do have someone close who'll run with me. Even if it's me picking her up and not the other way around. Recently I have started to talk to one of the neighbors and it seems that we have alot in common.

But what I really want is having someone at home or next door with whom I can share my thoughts. Someone who'll understand me, know me and still questioning my thoughts. In other words: I really want to have a person near by who is trained in the Option Process, or who shares similar beliefs.

I do have some option-minded people near - one lives 2 kilometers away, several live in my country and are never more than a phone call away, even others are living further away but they might available on Skype or Facebook just at the same time as me.

So, why is it that I am asking for more friends when I have the most wonderful loving people never more than a few clicks away?

Over the last few months this has happened several times: when I feel in need, there is always someone online. They might not always call me and ask me how I'm doing, but there is always someone near, ready to listen or ready to make an appointment soon.

So, why does it seem to be more valuable to me when someone calls me? That someone guesses that I want a hug or a question? And why do I seem to make physical closeness more valuable than the close connection with equal minded people?
Why does it seem to be more important to have people who "pick up" on how I feel and ask me questions when I didn't ask for questions, who hug me when I didn't ask for a hug etc. etc.?

I'm just wondering...

What does it mean when I say I "want friends" or when I say "I want to be part of a community"?

Labels: acceptance, friendships, joy vigh strand

As a kid, I did terribly in school. I just never really understood what the teachers were saying. I had a hard time paying attention and the days seemed to drag on forever. I couldn't do math, I couldn't write well, and when it came to taking multiple selection tests, I could come up with reasons for any one of the answers being correct. I would actually do worse than random.

To compound matters a bit, I totally missed social cues, I was overweight, I was terrible at sports and my mom insisted on me having a crew cut. In fifth grade, I became the kid in class that everyone else had to beat up in order to be "cool".

Magic
Then something magical happened. One day at school, they brought all the fifth graders into the gym for a presentation by the music teacher. He had a huge array of band instruments that he and others demonstrated for us. One man picked up a tenor saxophone and played this amazing jazz solo.

I fell in love.

At the end of the presentation, they handed us forms that we could take to our parents if we wanted to begin taking band lessons at school. I took two, just to be safe.

A few weeks later, I received my brand new conn student-model tenor saxophone which I didn't put down until I could play something, anything. As I held the saxophone and blew through it, I imagined all the cool saxophone players I'd seen on TV or in the movies. I became them.

Finally a Win!
I don't know that it was genetics or environment or passion or vision or simply not being able to do anything else well, but as a fifth grader I got really, really good at playing saxophone. By the middle of the year, the band director arranged for me to go daily to the junior high to play with the eighth grade band where I became the "first chair" saxophone player.

One day after school, I was walking home with a friend and several of the boys from class walked up to us, surrounding us a looking for a fight. I got ready for my usual get-beat-up scenario in which I never actually fought back. I just kind of took it.

As the other boys went through the litany of taunts and pushes that always preceded the beating part, my friend said, "Hey, you know he's playing sax in the eighth grade band and he's first chair!"

Suddenly, everyone stopped! Magic again. One of the guys helped me off the ground. Another picked up my stuff. And yet another picked up my sax case and offered to carry it for me. We all proceeded to walk home.

I never got beat up again.

Special Treatment
By eighth grade, I still wasn't doing well in academics, but I was doing great with music. I also started to do well with things that weren't taught traditionally. Whenever I listened to someone teach or read something in a book, I always managed to come up with at least three or four ways to interpret it. So, I was never sure what they meant.

However, when I could learn by doing, by practicing, I could discover for myself what worked and what didn't. Although my science grades were poor, I ended up winning a first place in the state science fair with a binary computer that my dad helped me to build from discarded telephone relays. Hands-on worked.

In high school, several teachers created special classes just for me. For example, Mr. Greenberg, who was running a film making class (using super-eight film cameras), created a film scoring class just for me. He let me compose and record film scores for the movies that people made in the film class.
The Mr. Ganzman created a music theory class for me. I started writing more and more music. By fifteen, I could sit with a sheet of music paper in front of me and write down all the parts for the orchestration simply hearing them in my head. (It's funny, I still can't read music, but whatever I hear I can write).

I still had problems with focus and distraction, so I would sit in the living room on the floor, my feet stretched out under the coffee table with both the TV and the radio on. It seemed that the more cacophonous the environment, the easier it was for me to concentrate.

One evening, as I sat in the living room writing the score for a musical I was working on, my dad walked in. Seeing the TV on, hearing the radio and seeing no text books, he said, "Hey, it's a school night. Why aren't you doing anything?"

He sent me to my room to do homework. I learned to work on music when my dad wasn't around.

What Works for You?
Today, I still have difficulty focusing in environments designed to provide limited distraction. I do well in loud and crowded coffee shops, or on subway cars, or with the TV and radio blaring. I also still have a difficult time learning in typical classroom settings or from textbooks. But, when I approach new topics as I do music, with passion, awareness and practice, I can learn anything.

I do what works for me.

Have you or your kids had similar experiences? Perhaps it's an inability to pay attention or stay focused? Perhaps you suspect your child of being "really smart", yet he or she doesn't do well in school? Maybe they seem to spend all their time on things that don't matter?

I believe that each of us has the ability to do well when we find the model that works for us. The clues are often hidden in the things we gravitate to or the places where we feel most comfortable. When our comfort zone and our optimal approach are outside the norm, the response is typically to try to get us to conform.

Perhaps that's the wrong answer. Perhaps the answer is to deeply explore what works and then expand on it.

Happy Tuesday!

Labels: all blogs, education, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Labels: faith clarke, rhythm

We've been having wonderful, engaging discussions, and one of the things that comes up for me is in trying to describe a feeling. Often these conversations lead to people making up what they think I THINK and FEEL, based on the things I do or say. Often the guesses are off, but I love being with people who aren't afraid to guess or be "wrong"--I do the same myself!

But sometimes we get on the subject of how we feel and I find it a real challenge to describe a FEELING in words...and I have been thinking back to a letter that I wrote to Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman, Co-Founder of The Option Institute) a while back in an attempt to convey in words what it FEELS like to be in the life I have:

"I’m a writer. I’ve been writing since the 5th grade; stories, poems, screenplays, you name it. I’ve also read thousands of books in my life. Words are special to me. Arranging letters in a certain order that people then use to bring themselves to deep joy, tears, laughter—what an amazing gift words are! But my words have let me down. No matter how powerful they are, or how articulate I can be at the top of my game, they simply fail when it comes to describing what it feels like to live life in this moment. That feeling is so big, so all-encompassing, so beautifully complex, that even the greatest scribes can really only evoke an approximation of it, never truly describe it. But I’ll do my best because I so deeply want to find a way to convey my gratitude for the life I’ve created for myself with what you have taught me here, walking beside me and coaxing me along our path so many different ways. I’ll do it by describing a moment, that’s the best I can think of.

It was October, 2007, and Raun (Kaufman, CEO of the Autism Treatment Center of America) was already in the UK, and my promoting his lecture tour was beginning to wrap up. I was still coming in at four in the morning to start work, but as we were running out of cities left to contact about the tour, I started to take my breaks early, spending a few minutes walking the property. The sunrises at The Option Institute could be spectacular as the sun would peek over the hill by the Main House and set the autumn-hued trees afire.

Labels: all blogs, brian ellis, philosophy

Performance
On Friday evening we had another performance with our band "No Room For Jell-o". This time we played at the local coffee shop Fuel in Great Barrington. It's a cute place where most of our band spends lots of time during the week. For Mark it's even a virtual office! So, when we got invited to play, we were very excited and honored!

For new readers: this whole band thing is quite new. Pete, Mark and I started jamming in April; we met Butch in May just before our first performance. We got together because of the fun we have playing together and the inspiration we provide each other to learn and create more music. Our band is built on the "we want to play together" principle!

Challenge
As a band we are clearly in a growth stage. We are learning. We are developing. It's an amazing experience. I learn so much. It's one big opportunity for me to build passion and persistence by letting go of unhappiness fueling beliefs that hold me back from growing and learning.

One off my big challenges so far has been listening to recordings of our performances. I listen back to all our band sessions and performances. The idea is that I will hear what goes great, what goes well and what requires more focus and attention. I also use it as a reality check, especially after the performances, because what you hear on stage can be so different than what the public hears.

So, what has been challenging about this? Instead of using the recordings as a useful tool, I use them as a stick to beat the hell out of myself: "I sang awful", "How did people survive this (my singing)" and "Why do I believe I can be a singer in a band, listen to myself!"

Unhappiness fueling beliefs
If you are familiar with Option Process Dialogues, you know that you can look at these judgments and look at the underlying beliefs. For me it seems that the following is fueling my unhappy thoughts: “I am not a singer, and I will never, ever be a singer”

These two beliefs say that I am doing something that I should not be doing (do not sing, you are no singer) and stop me from working to become a singer (I will never, ever be a singer). I am not only judging myself in the present, but I am also killing any inspiration to learn and grow.

Suspending disbelief
When I really understood that this was what I was doing, rather than convincing myself that I am a great singer or that I will become a great singer, I simply decided to suspend disbelief. I don't know if I can become a great singer, because I've never tried!  But I also don't know that I can't become a great singer.  So, I just tossed out the negative beliefs. If I want to become a better singer, I have to trust that it will happen with practice. So, I created a program for myself in which I practice every day.

Yesterday I listened back to the recordings of Friday night and guess what? I loved it! I didn't scare the customers away! I gave a performance that was very sweet and lovely to listen to.

Are there things to improve? Ohh yeah. I can make up thousands. Did I judge myself? I did for half an hour on Saturday afternoon, until I decided again to suspend disbelief and to instead believe that I am a good singer and I can become a great singer with practice!

In what area of your life do judgments hold you back? How could you suspend disbelief in those situations?

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

My mom was raised in South Carolina in a strong Southern Baptist tradition. My dad grew up in Finland with a father who was a Lutheran minister that traveled the world starting Finnish speaking churches. I grew up with a mixture of these traditions and in high school decided that I wanted to be a minister.

At eighteen, I went to college as a religious studies major. Although my focus was Christianity, studying the bible and learning Koine Greek (the language of the New Testament), I also studied other regions and belief systems. When I was nineteen, I wondered into an Assemblies of God Church in Cambridge, Massachusetts that totally changed my concept of worship.

Led by God
Rather than sitting in pews in an audience configuration, chairs were arranged circularly so we all looked at each. The service seemed to evolve without any clear leader. One person would start singing and everyone else would join in with beautiful harmonies. It would get quiet and another person would read something from the bible. People would pray. Some spoke in "tongues", which to me sounded like accented gibberish or a pseudo foreign language. Others would interpret what had been spoken. It felt as though the spirit of God were leading the service.

At one point, the pastor stood up and delivered a sermon. We closed with some more singing and prayer. And then, two and half hours later, we were done.


I fell in love with the experience. It felt fresh and pure to me. I deeply involved myself in the church working in street ministries, playing music, helping people in need, and studying the bible. It's still one of the most memorable periods of my life.

Spirit in a Bottle
Over time, members of the church started thinking of ways to capture the wonderful experience that we had during worship, taking what had been totally impromptu and spirit-led, and routinizing it. Slowly services evolved to something more organized and formal. The worship changed, and so did the people.

Out of this loose affiliation of like-minded people emerged a hierarchical organization replete with politics and power struggles. There was a subtle yet pervasive shift in motivation from simply worshiping and serving God to doing things because they were "right" or "good" or "just" or "correct".

Tipping Point
Years later, I ended up as the church's music director. While meeting with the pastor one day, he brought up the fact that several of the choir members smoked cigarettes and that they were setting a "bad" example that he didn't want to endorse. He told me to ask them to either quit smoking or to leave the choir.

I was dumbfounded, but not speechless.

I mentioned to the pastor that I saw no prohibitions against smoking in the bible. I pointed out that there were, however, prohibitions against gluttony and that several of the people in the choir were fat (the pastor's wife being one of them). So, if we are going to set a good example from a biblical perspective, we should ask all the fat people in the choir to either lose weight or leave the choir. It seemed the logical conclusion.

The pastor withdrew his request and then the next Sunday during his sermon brought up the fact that there were members of the congregation demanding that he preach "logic" rather than "the word of God".

For me, that was the tipping point. I left the church and never looked back.

Starting Over
After leaving the church, I decided to start over, from scratch. I tossed out everything I ever believed and began looking at other religions and belief systems with an openness that I'd never had as a Christian. I started looking for themes, attitudes and beliefs that were common to all or many religions and belief systems. I developed my own set of beliefs that work for me.

Today, I would describe myself as a happy existentialist. I believe that we're simply here; whatever meaning we find in life is up to us. In particular, I find the conceptualization of a conscious god or gods (from the all-powerful, monotheistic god of western religions to the multiple gods of eastern religions to the new age concept of a universal consciousnes) to be decidedly dis-empowering. These concepts, while helpful when we're feeling weak or helpless, also contribute to our feeling week and helpless.

All that said, I love many of beliefs, attitudes and concepts of various religions. I love "spiritual" experience. Contrarily, I think that religion (whether based on the spiritual or the material), is the root cause of most of the conflicts we face as humans today.

When My Mom Died
Several years ago, I got a call from my brother telling me that my mom had had a stroke and was in the hospital. At seventy, my mom had still been teaching aerobics classes; we anticipated her to recover quickly.

It turned out that the stroke was the result of her blood having thickened due to an advanced state of pancreatic cancer. She died within a few weeks.

As we prepared for her memorial service at the church in which she'd invested so much of her later years of life, I received calls from different people who wanted to say or sing something at the service. I decided, why not? So, we opened the service to anyone who wanted to say or present something.

When we arrived at the memorial, the church was full with more than 300 people. What might have been a solemn occasion became a remarkable celebration of my mom's life. People told stories, people sang songs. I still get chills thinking about it.

After the service, countless people approached me to tell me about the time my mom showed up at their house unannounced to help them with this or that simply because she'd heard that they needed help. I found out that for at least the last decade of her life she'd managed to prepare a meal every day for someone who "might need a meal". She'd then send my dad out the door to deliver it.

Although my mom still had some beliefs that were more religious and judgmental than they were spiritual, she'd managed to not become religious. She simply wanted to serve and worship God in the best way she could.

Rethinking Religion
These stories moved me. Up to that point, I'd been quite resentful of religious people. I'd felt lied to and used. I'd felt that religion was simply a tool by which a very small group of people could manipulate and control a very large group of people. I changed that.

Today, I'm of the mind that we as humans have developed wonderful systems by which we explain the unexplainable and manage the unmanageable. I believe that, in their pure forms, any of these systems can serve us remarkably well. I find beauty and spirituality in all of them.

I also believe that, when we convert any system of beliefs to a system of truths, we undermine them and transform them from something beautiful to something, well, ugly.

Food for Thought
What are your spiritual beliefs? Do they stem from a tradition that you grew up with or are they something that you came to later in life? Are you religious about them? If so, why? How is being religious serving you? Is it serving you?

Perhaps you've walked away from the beliefs of your youth or your tradition. If so, is it the beliefs themselves or the religion that boxed them? Have you looked at the beliefs in isolation from the formal religious structure? Perhaps it's time to revisit them?

Happy New Year, Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

My friend Mary from the Netherlands is staying at my house with her fiancee, Brian. When she and Brian arrived three weeks ago, I showed them the house, the kitchen, where our food is stored. I invited them to make themselves at home and use whatever was available.

Today, Mary asked me if she could take some of the chewing gum I that I keep in the kitchen. I responded with: "Are you kidding? Off course! I thought I made clear that everything is available to you!" Mary smiled her big smile and grabbed the gum.

This little situation got me thinking about how differently people communicate with each other.

Mark and I have created a fully authentic relationship. This is a relationship in which we say what is on our minds, what we want or don't want, what we like, etc. The result is that things are very clear and easy.

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

Last night, my friend Ben and I sat talking into the early morning about his life, his loves and his prospects for work. Let's say that Ben's life is in transition. Ben was recently on the receiving end of a relationship break-up which he took pretty hard.

A few days ago, he returned to his former girlfriend's place to pick up some of his things. While there, she informed him that "both professionals and non-professionals alike had told her that Ben had been abusive in their relationship".

Having had no experience with any physical abuse and being unaware of any emotional abuse, Ben asked her what she meant by "abusive". It turns out that Ben had always been pretty strong and clear about what he wanted (e.g., what to eat for dinner, where to go for this, whom to see), and she had not. Typically, she would just go along with whatever Ben wanted at the expense of what she wanted without ever voicing her wishes.

Note, the professionals and non-professionals alike had just her perspective (which makes either the professionals' opinions or her story suspect), and I have only Ben's perspective. But let's go with it.

Ben mentioned telling her that he was sorry she felt that way. When she told him that she wanted him to apologize for what he had done to her, not for how she felt, Ben decided that it might help mend the relationship (even though he didn't actually think he'd done anything), so he did. Sigh...

Abuse for Fun and Profit
Anyway, as Ben continued with his Saga, he mentioned wanting to pick up his $1200 vacuum cleaner.

"$1200 dollar vacuum?", I said.

"Yeah, my folks bought it for me."

This triggered a thought, "Wow Ben, you are abusive!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I've noticed that you're more than happy to take advantage of people's good graces. If someone is open to you and ready to help you, you'll take it to the limit (or past it). You'll abuse it."

"Hmmmmm..."

Running with It
Now, I'm prone to taking little fleeting ideas and running with them to see where they'll take me. Last night as no exception. Ben, despite his "best" efforts, has been without work, without a woman and without a place of his own for more than half a year now.

So, I postulated, "I believe the reason you're not moving forward with all the things that you say you want to move forward with is simply because you're an abuser. You're more than happy to take money from your parents. You're more than happy to stay with friends. You're more than willing to tell your story over and over to anyone who will listen, without any real intention of changing anything.

Your abusing has become a crutch on which you've grown dependent. On current course and trajectory, you'll never change any of this stuff."

(You gotta love me as a friend. I mean, you gotta or, well...)

Ben said, "Well, what would you do differently? What would prescribe here."

Going with it, I said, "Stop accepting any help for you which you don't somehow reciprocate. Don't accept any more money from anyone. Start bringing more to your relationships than you take from them. Start relying on you."

A Bridge Too Far?
OK, maybe I was a little over the top, but the ideas really rang true for me. I haven't yet seen Ben today; we'll see where it goes.

Nonetheless, I realized that just as there are people who overindulge in alcohol, in food and in drugs, there are people who over indulge in relationships, in relaxation, in comfort. You can abuse anything.

When Mark K and I were talking on Sunday, it occurred to me that "Mark, I believe all the things you're struggling with would all but disappear if you were to lose all you money. It would be the best thing that could happen to you."

Mark's a trust-fund kid who doesn't have to work for a living and whose life is riddled with challenges of over-indulgence and abuse.

Sweetly, Mark said, "I agree."

Now I'm wondering if there's a more general theory that we could come up with here. Something like:

If you find yourself chronically stuck in a situation that you want to change, it may be that you've been abusive of some one, some thing, or some situation to the point of having become dependent on it.

Further, the operative object of abuse may not be the most apparent. For example, if you struggle with weight, the problem may not be food, it may be the lack of meaningful work.

From a root-cause perspective, you would want to look past the immediate and start to look at other places in your life where you're abusive.

It might be indulging in complaining rather than doing. It might be in getting things perfect, before doing anything else. It might be indulging in television. It might be over-tolerant friends.

My theory is that, if you were to get to the root abuses and then remedy them, other things would change.

Anyway, those are my musings for this morning. Would love to know what you think.

Hugs, Teflon

PS Our band, No Room for Jell-o will be playing at Fuel in Great Barrington tomorrow (Friday, Sept 18) from 5-7PM

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

As an occupational therapist I am very blessed to have the opportunity to work with a very wide range of children. Their diagnosis vary and include Autism Spectrum Disorder, Pervasive Developmental disorder, Cerebral Palsy, Down syndrome, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity disorder.

Today I would like to share my extraordinary experience working with a 4.5 year old adorable little girl who is diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy (Cerebral palsy or CP is a neurological disorder that causes very poor development of movement and posture, causing activity limitation, often presenting with muscle rigidity and tremors). Caitlin is also diagnosed with a seizure disorder.

I began working with Caitlin 6 months ago. And even though I do have experience working with children who are diagnosed with CP, at first I was somewhat afraid to approach her. Caitlin has a g-tube attached to her stomach because she is unable to eat using the muscles of her mouth. She is also unable to move independently unless someone else is moving/repositioning her body. She is able to vocalize a lot of sounds that I have learned to identify as words she is using to communicate. Caitlin is highly sensitive to sound, touch and movement.

I work with her in her bedroom with the door closed however her ears are so sensitive that every sound coming from behind the door affects her. As she hears a sound she demonstrates a startle response as if she is in danger. Her muscles are immediately triggered, becoming very tense and impossible to move. One of the ways that I have been able to help Caitlin to be able to relax her body is by using her sensitivity to sound to her advantage. I have been playing "Sacred Drums" music CD during my sessions and she seems to respond beautiful. It is such a pleasure to watch her body process the music she is hearing. The CD starts very slowly with birds chirping and the sound of river floating. Her eyes begin to move back and forth helping her ears to focus and tune in to the music and the direction it is coming from. As the music gets a little more intense since the drums are beginning to play she lights up the room with a huge smile. I cherish these moments so deeply. Her smile is like a precious stone that you find only when you are really paying attention. The simple joy of life, such as a smile of this beautiful little girl, is a life worth living.

Caitlin receives lots of therapy among which are physical therapy and speech therapy. I have observed these well-intentioned individuals stretch her muscles and put her in positions that were causing lots of stress based on her facial expression and frequent crying. I have thought long and hard about the question "how useful is this type of rigorous therapy for her?". I have come to my own conclusion by experimenting with my own ways. I have learned that she responds beautifully to a very non-invasive, subtle type of touch, vibration, and stretch.

I have seen Caitlin this Saturday and had an amazing session. During this session I decided to experiment with vibration on her muscles, and joins. Her favorite part to be touched is her feet. Knowing that I first held her foot in my hand for about a minute without any movement. I was just thinking and feeling how much love I have for this precious girl. I then began to shake her foot in a very subtle manner, almost vibrating. I saw the vibration spread to all the joins and muscles of her body.

She let out a huge grin, a wonderful vocalization, followed by yet another huge smile. I continued to experiment by playing with the position of my hands and the subtlety of the vibrations. Caitlin and I were in this zone of total connection for the next half an hour. Through out the entire experience she was smiling and sighed with a depth that I rarely observe. She decided to let go and surrendered. I was in awe of how powerful this exercise was. In that moment I truly learned the power of subtle movement.

Labels: all blogs, rita gendelman

"No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try."

-- Yoda, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

I've been debating whether or not to call this blog, There is No Try or Are You European, Part Two.

A few weeks ago, Iris and I had the most wonderful weekend with friends and family. We saw a great performance by Melody Gardot, a blues/jazz singer from Philadelphia with and amazing story and a monster band.

The next day, Iris and I were talking about the concert and about my opinions regarding Iris' capacity to sing as well as Melody. I had determined that the Iris' could sing as well as Melody if she simply decided to; Iris had a different opinion.

Pragmatic Truth
As we conversed, it became clear that Iris was thinking about my comments as being true or not true. I was thinking about them being useful or not useful. (By the way, it took me a while to figure this out.)

I guess that I tend to think about truth from a practical perspective, (i.e., does it work or not) when others tend to think about truth from a factual perspective (i.e., is it true or not).

Truth as Cause, Not Effect
Okay, most of us grew up with the notion of truth being a statement that accurately represents facts. Others might associate truth with belief more than facts; someone is being truthful when they say things that they believe are factual (whether or not their perceptions are accurate.)

Whether you define truth as factual or honest, I'd like to introduce the idea of truth being causal.

1. What we believe is true causes us to filter information so that we see only evidence that supports what we believe.
   
2. What we believe is true causes us to effect (bring into existence) facts that reflect our beliefs.

You see examples of item one every day. For example, in the US, we're having a great debate over national health care. The people who want a public health insurance plan all see evidence that not only supports it, but mandates it. The people who don't want a public plan see evidence of it being the end of democracy. Almost everyone has almost no data (relative to the volumes of data that are available). Yet, most of us feel strongly that our beliefs are well founded and true.

For item two, we simply need to look at ourselves. In particular, consider the number of things in your life that you have believed you could not do. Include all the "I think I can" beliefs masquerading as "I can" beliefs.

You know... I can't write well... I just don't get computers... I tried skiing and it was a disaster... I'll never be able to do advanced math... I just don't know how to relate to people...

Now, how many of those beliefs have you successfully challenged by doing the very thing you believed you couldn't do?

Of those cases (excluding the ones where someone simply took you by the hand and dragged you through the process), how often did the accomplishment precede the belief change and how often did belief change precede the accomplishment?

My guess is that, there are many things in your life that you've believed you can't do that you don't do. In fact, the truth of the can't may be so strong that you don't even consider the option any more.

Pragmatic Optimism
As I typed Pragmatic Optimism, it occurred to me that I have many friends who would consider the phrase to be an oxymoron and the phrase Pragmatic Pessimism to be redundant. Nonetheless, I would say that:
From a dictionary perspective: optimism is a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome, i.e., a filter that allows through the positive evidence. Since we're filtering anyway, why not filter out the negative?
But How?
Before getting to how to become optimistic, let me quickly address why not. Although there are many reasons to be pessimistic (or realistic), it boils down to either fear of disappointment or the belief that pessimism causes us to work harder.

Get over it!

Now, if you'd like to become more optimistic, I've come up with some steps that you can take. If you're steadfastly a lost cause, then you still might want to take these steps with your children and then let them drag you out of your loser, pessimistic existence after they become optimistic dynamos.

Step 1: Laugh and let go! Don't take everything so seriously. We tend to invest our pessimistic energy in areas of our life that we've considered important or that we take seriously. So, it's time to have some fun with it and laugh.

Step 2: Place yourself on a pessimism-free diet for one week. This works best if you advertise it and ask everyone around you to call you on anything that you do or say that even hints at pessimism. Importantly, when they do call you on it, you're not allowed to argue or explain. Just take it in.

Step 3: Pick something that you really want to do, but can't, and decide that you can do it. Suspend disbelief. We're not talking about I think I can here; we're talking about I can.

Step 4: Craft Little Wins. This may be the important part. Break down the thing that you want to accomplish into small enough chunks where you can start accomplishing some of it. Don't take on all of calculus at once; just do some basic arithmetic and work it until you're good at it. If you want to learn piano, before you dive into theory and scales and exercises, learn to play a couple of chords so that you can accompany yourself on a song or two.

As you do this, you build evidence to support you optimism.

Have an enjoyable optimistic Tuesday!

Labels: all blogs, business, education, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with my friend Mark Kaufman. When Mark arrived at our house, he was quite excited about a book he was reading (listening to), Authentic Happiness, by Martin Seligman. To be clear, I haven't yet read the book. All I know about it, I got from Mark (i.e., my references to the book may or may not actually be in the book). Nonetheless, some of the concepts really resonated for me.

One of the things that Mark talked about (referring to the book) was that we've become a culture of consumers. We consume food. We consume goods. We consume entertainment. We consume resources.

Most of what we consume, we do not produce ourselves; it's produced by others.

The result is that we never really feel a sense of gratification or satisfaction with our consumption. We might watch television all evening in an attempt to relax, but in the end feel more hungover than contented. The conspicuous absence of satisfaction, contentment, gratification results in unhappiness.

Productivity Junky
This concept really resonated with me; I feel best when I'm active and productive. In fact, I find it nearly impossible to just sit and watch a movie on TV. I always am doing something else at the same time, writing software, cleaning dishes, and so on. You might call me a productivity junky.

When I'm really busy, active and (most importantly) productive, I feel great! I have more energy, not less. My attitude and outlook are really positive and optimistic. Life is grand. It had never occurred to me that staying busy and productive was a way of taking care of myself.

Productivity and Meaning
As we talked about this, I thought about my dad who has struggled for years with alcoholism and depression. It occurred to me that, when he has been busy and productive, the alcohol and depression don't seem to be an issue. It's just when he starts to "relax" and "take it easy", that the challenges arise.

We've often talked to my dad about taking up hobbies or doing volunteer work or playing chess or whatever, something to get him busy. The thing is that he often resists because he doesn't see any of these things as being particularly meaningful or purposeful or of great import. For him, it doesn't count unless if fulfills some higher purpose.

As Mark and I talked, I realized that I didn't particularly care about the meaning of what I was doing. I feel just as good washing dishes or stacking wood as I do developing software for Jonathan's device that prevents heart attacks or websites that help families of kids with Autism. It's the productivity that feels good, being able to look at the stack of wood after I'm done or the clean dishes in the drainer.

Meaning is something different all together, and really is up to me.

Developing Your Groove
Regardless of the task or its meaning, as we dive into productivity, we become more intimate with whatever it is we're doing. We start to see patterns that help us become more efficient. We create new ways of doing the same thing. Tasks that may initially feel awkward and uncomfortable become fluid and easy. We get into a flow. We find our groove.

Per Mark's recollection of the book, when we get into a flow, we're neither happy nor unhappy, we're in a state that transcends emotion.

I don't know that I would think about it in exactly in those terms, but I know that when I'm in a groove, I'm not really aware of anything but what I'm doing. I'm totally present. Alarms could scream, sirens could blare, and I would be totally unaware of it.

Whether or not you call it emotionally transcendent, for me, being in the flow is a blissful state, no worries about the future, no regrets about the past. I'm just happy.

Medium Independent Grooving
One more thing. I ended up working in technology not because I grew up with a passion for computers and software, but because I was a twenty-two year old, underemployed, uninsured musician with a wife and child. I used to resent that I had to give up my music in order to make money. I ran through the standard litany of unhappiness, regret, resentment and so on.

Music had been the place where I was in the flow. I would close my eyes and play, and nothing else existed.

What I've realized over the years is that it wasn't the music that was attractive, it was the groove. Without being able to articulate it, I was always in pursuit of that blissful groove. And I've managed to find it in everything from music to software to washing dishes and pushing a lawn mower. Even as I write this, I'm not sure of cause and effect (i.e., which causes which), but nonetheless, I find that as I do any of these, I get into this blissful state.

So What?
Maybe you or someone you know has struggled with bouts of extreme unhappiness or depression? Maybe you've struggled with alcohol or food or TV or other consumptive disorders? Perhaps it's time to stop dealing with your consumptive and emotional challenges, and instead, time to start doing something, anything? Forget about meaning. Forget about purpose. Forget about big or small. Just find an activity in which you can feel productive.

If you take me up on this or if you've had similar experiences, I'd love to hear about it.

Have an amazingly productive week!

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, well-being

It Doesn't Change!
Do you ever say things like, "Whoa, I really want this, but somehow I always end up with that", or, "It's not that I want to do this, I just can't seem to stop it!"

If so, this article is written for you.

Most of us have areas in our lives where we feel out of control. Even my friends who have been using the Option Philosophy for years have areas in which they seem incapable of making changes. I use the word seem because they indeed do not change even though they say they want to. In my opinion, it's not that they can't change; they don't change because they don't want to!

To be clear, saying "they don't want to" is not meant as a judgment. Recognizing that we don't change because we don't want to change is a tool that can help us to explore the beliefs that keep us from changing.

I Am Blessed!
I believe that I am lucky with the shape of my body. I'm 5' 4" tall. I am well proportioned and I have an extra amazing gift: my fat distributes itself evenly from head to toe. This means that, if my weight swings up or down, you don't really notice because it is distributed from cheek to ankle! My body weight has a natural swing of about 8 pounds. In my "thin"periods, my weight is around 125 pounds; in my "thick" periods I go up to 133 pounds.

Being Overweight
For the last six months I have been in my "thick" period. Not having exercised regularly for quite some time, I started to feel tired and overweight. During the summer, I decided that I should lose some pounds to be healthier and more energetic. But I took no action towards working out, changing my diet etc.

Breathing and living the Option Philosophy for so long, I was intrigued to observe my "not taking action" mode for months. I said that I wanted to lose some weight, but clearly I was not taking any action towards it. Recognizing that many of us experience the same kinds of patterns, I decided to really pay attention this time and learn something that would not only help me, but also others.

Observe and Analyze
I started to observe my thought processes. During the summer when I felt hot, tired and out of shape, I decided that I didn't want this anymore. It was time to do something about it; time to lose my extra weight. I observed my thoughts and also observed that I didn't take any action to make changes. Months went by...

I started to picture myself eight pounds lighter, everything a little thinner and tighter. Nice! I still didn't take any action. More weeks went by...

Then I decided that I would attach my want to lose weight to other meaningful wants in my life.

For example, I wanted to be in better shape because it would improve my singing (more air for better tone quality, better phrasing, more consistent sound etc.) I wanted to be in better shape so I could approach my days with greater ease and energy. Still, I didn't take action to change! Hmmm...

Next, I decided to bring greater specificity to my thoughts. I didn't want to be overweight anymore. It was time to do something about it. It was time to lose my extra 8 pounds. I looked at all the unhappiness around my weight and explore it deeply and specifically. I created evidence supporting the idea that being thinner would bring me happiness.

Believe it or not, I still didn't change a thing!

The I-Don't-Want-to-Change Tool
After months of not changing, I really got intrigued! I normally take immediate action when I get clear about what I want. So, what was happening this time?

I decided to figure it out with the use of the I-don't-want-to-change tool, and told myself:

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

Iris and I have had amazing opportunities to see many relationships up close and personal; we're constantly amazed at how strangely and wonderfully friends relate to their significant others. So, I thought I'd write down some of the things that I would consider keys to establishing and maintaining a great relationship.

False Advertising
From the time we're children, we're taught to "put our best foot forward" when meeting new people, essentially, to misrepresent ourselves. There is no place where this is more prominently in play than in dating. We hype ourselves. We stretch truths here and there. We take extra time with our hair and makeup. We feign interest in topics that aren't so interesting and we feign disinterest in those that are.

The problem is that dating sometimes leads to a long term relationship. In many cases, neither person is who they represented themselves to be.

Rule #1: If you're looking for a really great long term relationship, then be who you are in every way possible. If there's something that you want to change, then really change it, don't just patch it up to get through a date.

Trading the Porsche for a Minivan
So many relationships start in idyllic situations, or at least in situations that are away from many of our day-to-day challenges. People meet in vacation spots. People meet at conferences. People meet at parties. People meet at work.

In any case, as we start dating, we tend to leave behind many of our daily challenges. If we have kids, we don't bring them along. If we have debt, we dont' talk about it. If we have a hard time getting up in the morning or are grouchy late at night, it doesn't come up. We're operating in a nicely tuned environment.

I have many friends who have done well financially and have spent much of their dating time traveling to exotic places and spending time in high end hotels. Under those circumstances, almost everyone is happy and easy going.

When we start living together, all this changes. Even if we weren't intentionally hiding who we are, we all tend to behave differently in some situations than others.

Rule #2: Spend time together in ordinary, day-to-day living situations before deciding anything about being together for a really long time.

It's the Little Things
One of the really amazing things that I've discovered is that the big challenges (e.g., difference in political opinions or religious observances) pale when compared to differences in the so-called "little things". For example, let's say that...

...you're someone who really loves snuggle at night and you're with someone who really wants their space.

...you're someone who pops out of bed in the morning, ready to run out the door and start your new day, and you're with someone who wakes up slowly and takes an hour to get themselves together.

...you're someone who loves to spend time with other people hosting dinners and parties, and you're with someone who'd rather just be with you.

...you're someone who makes decisions quickly and intuitively, and you're with someone who makes decisions slowly and deliberately, someone who won't abdicate decisions to you.

Over the years, these kinds of differences can really add up.

Rule #3: Talk about the little things in life that you like or dislike. Make a list of them, seeing where you're aligned and where you're not. Consider the implications of the places where you lack alignment.

More or Less of What You Love
One of things that I love about being with Iris is that I end up doing more of the things that I love to do than I did before I met her. I love to play music, but I also love to write software, and I love to workout and exercise, and I love to be with other people, and on and on.

I used to limit myself to just a few of these activities. But since being with Iris, I'm doing all of them. When we first heard our friend Peter playing guitar at Club Helsinki, Iris went up to him and invited him to come over to our house to jam with me. It's been really amazing.

On the other hand, I have many friends who, after getting involved in their current relationships, stopped doing the things they loved most. They operate under the belief that this is a necessary trade-off for being in the relationship; their new responsibilities preclude their pursuit of their loves and passions. In some cases, it's not so much that their significant other insists on them dropping their pursuits, it's more of a passive resistance kind of thing.

Rule #4: If you find yourself giving up activities you love as a result of being in your relationship, stop and talk about it. If you're going to give up something you love to do, really think it through.

Passively Yours
To me, the biggest relationship killer is passive resistance. It's saying "nothing's wrong", when clearly something is. It's encouraging your partner to take time to pursue something they love, and then constantly interrupting them with things that are "important". It's agreeing to go somewhere, and then taking forever to get ready.

Passive resistance ebbs away at relationships in ways that are frequently difficult to put your finger on. Oftentimes, by the time you see it, it's a bit late.

Rule #5: If you want a great relationship, agree that you'll absolutely avoid passive resistance. If you catch yourself or you partner employing passive resistance, stop whatever you're doing and call it out.

Break Up Early, Break Up Often
Lately, I've started asking everyone who's just left a relationship when they actually "knew" it wasn't going to work out. You'd be amazed at how many people say that they new quite early in the relationship (e.g., in the first few weeks), even people who'd been in relationships for years.

Even though they knew it wasn't going to work out, they pursued the relationships because they "hoped something would change" or they simply found their partner to be "so attractive" that they wanted the relationship any way or the relationship had gotten so far along that they felt they should pursue it.

Of course, in each of these cases, the relationship ended up breaking up.

Rule #6: As soon as you know that it's not working, do something about it. Talk about it. Explore it. Perhaps, even end it. Don't abdicate to a vague sense of hope or obligation.

Where is Your Relationship?
Although you'll hear over and over that great relationships take hard work, I don't buy it. I believe great relationships come easily as long as you're open and honest with each other, and you take time to ensure alignment in your wants.

The following is a little quiz to help evaluate your level of relationship alignment. It's not at all scientific, but might be fun to take as partners. To do this, print out the questions below and answer them individually, writing them down without looking at each other's answers as you do so.

After you finish, score yourselves and then talk together about what you've each written.

1. Are there people in your life with whom you share things that you don't share with your partner? Give yourself a five (5) if you answered "no" and a minus five (-5) if you answered "yes".
   
   
2. List fifteen (15) everyday wants in your life (e.g. waking up early or sleeping in, cooking or being cooked for, snuggling or sleeping with space, time outside or time inside, how much sex, how much kissing, working out, etc.) For each of these, give yourself a one (1) if your partner is totally on board and supportive, a zero (0) if they don't care one way or another, and a negative one (-1) if they are resistant to or antagonistic of it.
   
   
3. List up to five things that you love to do that you now do or do more of since you met your partner. Give yourself a two (2) for each of these.
   
   
4. List up to five things that you love to do that you now do less of or no longer do since joining your partner. Give yourself a minus two (-2) for each of these.
   
   
5. Do you or your partner ever employ obfuscation or passive resistance? Give yourself five (5) for never, a zero (0) for sometimes, and a minus five (-5) for frequently.
   
   
6. How much time do you and your partner spend in everyday living situations? Give yourself a five (5) for nearly all the time, a zero (0) for some of the time, and a minus five (-5) for nearly none of the time.

Enjoy your discussions and have a great relationship weekend!

Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

written by Julie Sando

I asked my mom which airport I should fly out of as I'd be half way between each one: Boston or Hartford. They both had 8:30am flights to my destination, LAX. She suggested Hartford, so Hartford it was. It happened to be September 11, 2001. The flight that went down was the flight I decided not to take. Instead I was grounded in PA - near the site where the other plane went down.

We can make up all sorts of things. And my initial response for quite some time was fear - I was scared to fly again. It wasn't until my training at The Option Institute and Son-Rise Program that I started to view experiences like this in a whole new light. "Wow, I must have a reason to still be here on earth" became my new perspective.

We can make up any perspective which will change the way we feel. I'll put this one out to you all: How can we make up that the events of September 11 had some sort of positive meaning? (My intention is not to down play the experiences of those who were directly effected, but to offer a way to feel better about the entire situation.)

Labels: all blogs, julie sando, philosophy

Iris is someone who knows what she wants and goes for it despite convention and other external influences. One way to ensure that she not do something is to command her to do it.

It's totally wonderful that her hair has adopted the same approach to life that she has. This morning, as she hurriedly prepared to run out the door and head off to the playroom, I commented on the curious configuration of her hair. She fussed with her hair a bit, poking here and there and quickly achieved a reasonable compromise between what she wanted and what her hair wanted.

Iris talked about finding someone in Great Barrington who did a really nice job with her hair. She'd managed to cut it in a way that balanced conformity and free will. She then hearkened back to a time that we'd been in Paris and she decided on a whim to walk into this place and get her hair cut.

The Luxury of Focus and Awareness
She, my daughter Eila and I had spent the day exploring Paris. We were heading to Amsterdam for a wedding and Iris wanted to see if the Parisians would have better luck with her hair than others. Eila and I left her at the shop returning an hour later.

What transpired for Iris was an amazing experience. In addition to a high level of expertise, the man who cut her hair was completely focused on her. He really engaged her in what she wanted. He didn't distract himself with side conversations. He seemed to love what he was doing and pursued it passionately.

For Iris, the experience was simply wonderful -- luxurious. It was also the best hair cut she's ever had. It's as though the man really understood her hair and what it wanted to do, and then flawlessly executed a hair cut that reconciled the wants of Iris' hair with the wants of Iris.

It's Just Not the Same
Iris then commented that, although the woman in Great Barrington does a really great job, the experience and the results are simply not the same as her experience in Paris. For the woman in Great Barrington, cutting hair is something to do until she can do what she really wants to do. She doesn't invest her awareness in Iris as she cuts her hair, but instead talks with others. Rather than understanding Iris' hair and creating something wonderful, she relies on Iris to tell her what to do next. She has skill and expertise, but she's not invested in what she's doing or in Iris.

Where'd Everyone Go?
As we talked, I thought about how many times over the past few days I've seen people sliding through the day without any indication that they're aware of or paying attention to others.

I pulled into the gas station yesterday to find all the spots by the pumps occupied by abandoned cars. The people who owned them were all inside finding food and coffee at the mini-mart seemingly unaware of or not caring that a queue of cars had formed waiting to get gas.

As I sat on a bench eating lunch yesterday, a woman pulled into the parallel parking space in front of me, and then backed up a bit so that she occupied half of one space and half of another effectively blocking any other cars from parking.

Sitting in a restaurant last night with Iris and Kathy, I noticed how most of the wait staff seemed to never look me in the eye as they spoke with me, how they would run by never glancing to see if we would like anything else. We ended up flagging down people even though they were walking by us every few minutes.

I've had conversations where people would ask me a question, and as soon as I got a few words out of my mouth, would jump in with their own story and answer to their question.

It's as though lack of awareness and investment in others has reached epidemic (or more popularly pandemic) proportions.

Awareness Friday
One of the most amazing things taught at the Option Institute is the ability to be totally present with someone in a manner that is not judgmental. Simply, this means deciding to focus your attention exclusively on someone in an attitude of love and acceptance without agenda other than being of service to them. The practice is the core of both the Son-Rise Program and of Mentoring.

Of course, you can bring this level of awareness to any interaction with another person, from something that lasts just a few seconds to something that lasts for hours. If you're the recipient of such awareness, the experience can be luxurious; if you're the aware one, it will completely transform your experience as well.

So, how about joining me in celebrating Awareness Friday? Basically, decide that you're going to be actively aware (loving, accepting and without agenda) of each person that you meet. It can be the gal that you buy your paper from or your bus driver or people you work with or your partner or the guy filling your tank. It can be anyone.

I believe that, if you make every day Awareness Friday, you'll see an amazing transformation in your relationships. But for now, how about starting out today!

Happy Awareness Friday!
Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

--Alcoholics Anonymous, "Big Book" 4th Edition, p. 59

The AA Approach
Let's make sure we're clear on this: my time in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has been an absolutely KEY step in creating a new life for myself. Working the program after a rehab stint in January of 2005 was the first time in my then 41 years of life that I actually started to examine myself. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What's the path from one to the other? The rooms where the meetings took places were, most times, places of deep acceptance and camaraderie—after all, we all shared at least one aspect of our lives with each other and found a great deal of relief and happiness when we left that aspect behind. As a general population, AA's are the most consistently happy sub-group of the American populace that I have come across (with the possible exception of the Mormons, another notoriously non-drinking posse).

What we believe acts as a filter for every stimulus we encounter. Change your beliefs, and you change your responses (how you feel, what you do).

--From The Option Process ®, The Option Institute website, www.option.org

The Option Institute Approach
Then I came to The Option Institute for the first time. AA was a great preparation for coming to OI, kind of like working your way up in the minor leagues of baseball in preparation for playing in the "bigs". But the kind of empowerment I learned and chose to live from my time at OI was something wholly different. Understanding the real "magic" in the concept of Stimulus—Belief—Response, that is that in between anything we bring our attention to and then what we think and feel about that event there is a BELIEF, which only WE control, fundamentally and permanently changed the way I live.

The reason this is so powerful is that BELIEFS can be changed, by me, at any time. In the 4 ½ years since I went to that wonderful, magical property in The Berkshires, I have, for every second of my life, owned that I, and ONLY I, control everything that I think, feel, and do. What that has meant to me is that no matter what the world or anyone in it throws at me, I get to choose what I think, feel, and do about it. Every…single…moment. No one and nothing can "make" me feel anything. Even in those rare moments when I feel sad, frustrated, confused, or any other "negative" emotion, I ALWAYS know it is ME doing it. Which means I can change it any time I want.

The Experiment
And therein lies the rub that has been my own personal laboratory for the last 3 ½ years since I tested drinking again. If I choose to see alcohol as an "addiction", something I am powerless over, then I can fully embrace AA, and guess what? AA works great when I work it! But that leaves a very large crack in the belief matrix I have chosen since coming to The Option Institute—that I control everything that I think, feel, and do. On the other hand, if I accept my beloved OI teachings, then my drinking becomes something that I DO control, and therefore could theoretically alter my beliefs to allow me to drink like a normal person—just on occasion and with the ability to stop whenever I want.

What I have then chosen to do is to continue to experiment with this process. At times choosing to see myself as powerless over drinking, seeking the AA solution, which worked for various lengths of time, but never permanently, and at other times choosing to believe it was under my control, allowing me to drink under control at first, but each time eventually escalating into something that felt out of control and led to physical reliance again. At that point, getting off again was both difficult and physically dangerous.

I did not want to keep bouncing back and forth, but wasn't able to find a clear solution—I believed I did not have enough belief structure in place about how to handle this, it was new ground to me.

My Romantic Love Relationship With Ms. Chardonnay
Then over the course of about 10 months, comments of a strange and intriguing nature were made by two of the most wonderful people I have come across in my life. And these led directly to a new solution that I created for myself that has been working great ever since!

The first was made by Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman, co-founder of The Option Institute Learning & Training Center) while I was taking the Radical Authenticity program with my mother in October of 2008. My mother has done a lot of sadness and fear around my drinking, and Bears asked her "if Brian decided to have a life-long, deep, romantic love relationship with alcohol, could you still be happy?" Her answer was "no", but the important thing for me was that I had never thought to characterize my involvement with alcohol as a "relationship". Then, in July of 2009, I was having a conversation with my love, Mary, and, knowing that I was continuing to "struggle" with my drinking, she wrote a poem that went like this:


Wow! How beautiful, loving, and also cutting to the heart of the matter all at once! And it was the second time in 9 months that someone dear to me had characterized my involvement with alcohol as a "relationship", specifically a romantic relationship.

That's when it hit me! Before I came to The Option Institute the biggest issue I had in my life was around relationships. I had never asked a woman out on a date and was terribly shy and fearful when it came to dating. Since going there, dating and relationships have become the MOST empowered part of my life, with a tremendous set of beliefs in place to support being comfortable and full of joy in this entire process! And that includes…BREAKING UP with someone!

So all of a sudden I had this really great revelation: both of these highly intelligent and insightful people described my "relationship" with booze, what if I decided to actually LOOK AT IT THAT WAY? What would that mean?

The Breakup
Well first it would mean that since I have a very clear "wants list" for someone I want to be in a romantic relationship with, and chardonnay doesn't fit that wants list, it would mean that it was time to break up! So that's exactly what I decided to do. Break up with wine.

So I put myself in a really soft and loving and grateful space within myself (just as I would do with any breakup) and spoke words that were meaningful and true (also what I would do in any breakup): "this has been a wonderful relationship and I truly thank you for everything you have given me…but now I'm clear that you don't fit what I'm looking for in a long-term relationship, so I'm going to let you go…know that I will always be grateful for what you have given me and I genuinely wish the best for you in your search…"

Funny, it never felt weird to do or say that. It REALLY felt like I was breaking up, and one thing I have found from my experience with breaking up in other romantic relationships is that I only do it if I have decided that it's done—that I'm not going to want that person back as a love interest, even if I want her as a friend.

CODA
So what has been the outcome of my "breakup"? Well it's been a little over 6 weeks since I've had a drink. There are significant differences I've noticed this time around compared to the times I've quit using AA. First, I don't have to embrace the un-empowered belief of "I'm powerless over alcohol". I can and DO totally embrace that, in fact, the ONLY ONE with control over the first drink is ME.

The only thing I have to DECIDE, in order not to start drinking again, is to REFUSE the FIRST drink! I've found that this approach feels riskier at times, because I allow myself to consider having a drink whenever I feel that desire—something I never really did when doing AA. It would have been considered too dangerous or it meant that in some way I was not doing my program in a solid way. But hand-in-hand with the riskier feel and the way I can allow myself to think about how wonderful it would feel to have those first couple of drinks, this new set of beliefs also gives me the time to think the process all the way through to the usual end result of 1) not being able to stop, 2) spending lots of money on this, 3) gaining weight since drinking degrades any healthy eating that I do, and 4) not doing the other things I claim to want in my life, such as making movies or starting a business. And that extra time between wanting the drink and having the drink where I can be clear the decision is MINE and doesn't belong to my "addiction" has made all the difference. Each and every time that I have considered it, I have CHOSEN to pass. So I get all the benefits of not drinking while still holding onto my beliefs about me being in charge of all my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. What an amazing place to be in!

My hope is that anyone reading this who has substance or process issues (that they want to change) could use this as a tool for quitting. Find some part of your life where you have highly empowered beliefs in place and transfer those beliefs over to your "addiction" and see what happens. Don't censor yourself! There's no need to feel silly about anything you might do in this regard. If it pays you the rewards I have gotten, go ahead and treat smoking pot like you would a Son-Rise child! Or treat Vodka as you would a challenging employee! Whatever works, work it and have fun with it!

I would love to hear not only your thoughts about this, but anyone who has used other methods than 12-step programs to successfully let go of unwanted behaviors, I would love to hear your remedies as well.

Have a wonderful, loving, empowered week!

Brian

Labels: all blogs, brian ellis, philosophy, relationships

My learnings:

1. I can learn from anything, including Jake Drake
2. My clear intention helps me find the insights I'm looking for to get where I want to go
3. Pursuing relationship with my loved ones is more important than obsessing about the things I don't like
4. Creating an opportunity for eye contact and interaction allows me to request behavioral changes without being a bully

Labels: faith clarke, intentions, relationships, son-rise

Yesterday's conversation:

Iris: I've noticed a pattern in my study habits. I learn new things in intervals. Take my singing. Over the the past days, I seem to have reached a new level and I'm finally able to apply the teachings of the last few weeks. It's almost as though, until two days ago, I couldn't connect the usefulness of the teachings to my singing.

Mark: That's because you are so resistant to feedback and learning!

Iris: Hmm, maybe... I'm not sure... I do think that I have a...

Mark: See, there you go again!

In the beginning of our relationship (Mark and I), I thought he was handsome, smart, incredibly sweet, very loving and authentic. Over the years this has so totally proven right! But I also see new qualities in him today that I didn't see before.

On of them is that his approach to learning new things is amazing. People always think he is talking big when he says, "I believe I can learn that in two days." But by now I know better! He does learn new things with a speed greater then anyone I know. So how does he do that?

When Mark learns something totally new, (which he does regularly), he jumps into the subject with 100% energy, enthusiasm and excitement. He holds off any "but's", "maybe's", and other resistant thoughts until he feels he truly understands the material. Only at that point, will he look at how useful the taught material is. He also embraces the attitude that students will pass their teachers, after they learned what the teacher knows!

What if it all starts with embracing new teachings instead of resisting? It sounds so simple! Would my singing improve faster if I could embrace the feedback and the teacher? Ohh, yes! In this moment, would I have been a better musician if I would not have resisted Mark's feedback in the past? Ohhh, yes!

It's funny, while writing this article, I see the parallel with playing in the playroom with my autistic friends. The moments that they are ism-ing, they are resisting any input from the outside. The moments they stop resisting and embrace me and what we are doing, they seem to learn at light speed.

So, what if smart and stupid do not exist? What if there is only the choice of how we embrace new learning opportunities? Do you fully embrace new learning opportunities and learn at light speed? Or do you hold on to something and resist the teachings?

Have a smart Wednesday!

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

In his book The Drunkard's Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Lives, author Leonard Mlodinow shows us how we often make mistakes that feel right simply because we don't understand probability and statistics.

On the one hand, I'm a big believer in the ontological, right-brained, going-with-my-gut approach to decisions and life. It's served me really well.

On the other, going with my gut often keeps me in undesirable situations longer than I would be were I to use my epistemological, left-brained, analytical side.

Positively Wrong
In one example, Mlodinow talks about Daniel Kahneman, a psychologist who won the 2002 Nobel Prize in Economics. Kahneman spent years studying and clarifying the types of misinterpretations of randomness that lead to common fallacies and false assertions.

In the mid-1960s, Kahneman was invited to lecture to Israeli air force instructors on the psychology of flight training. As he described how positive reinforcement works and negative reinforcement doesn't, one of the instructors interrupted him, disagreeing strongly.

The instructor pointed out that, when a student pilot has a really great day flying and receives praise for it, the student invariably flies less well the next day. Alternatively, if a student flies extremely poorly one day and is berated for it, the next day he will invariably fly better. Other instructors in the room chimed in voicing their agreement with the first instructor.

So, you have a situation in which the evidence clearly points to negative feedback working (i.e., absolutely every time that I berate someone for poor performance, they perform better), and positive reinforcement not working (i.e., every time I praise someone for exceptional performance, they regress.) The intuition of the instructors was that negative feedback works and their experience supported it.

What do you make of that?

Regression Towards the Mean
The thing that the instructors didn't understand was a statistical concept called regression towards the mean.

Every one of us, in every activity, has an average level of performance. If we run regularly, we run on average at a certain speed for a certain period of time. At work, we have an average level of productivity. Even our emotions tend to have an average daily state.

On some days, we really perform well. We feel really great and we run much faster and/or longer. We're exceptionally clear and our work productivity exceeds anything we've ever done. We wake up with an amazing sense of clarity and purpose and spend the day on an emotional high. Our performance is soaring.

On other days, every muscle in our bodies rebels, our breathing is shallow, and we barely finish our run. We daydream the day away at work. We find ourselves in an emotional funk that even five cups of coffee can't shake loose. Our performance sucks.

The thing is that both the high performance day and the low performance day are exceptional. Somewhere in the middle is the average or mean level of performance. Statistically, it's nearly impossible for us to follow an exceptional performance with an even better performance. Similarly, it's highly improbable that we'll follow a day of really bad performance with an even worse performance. In general, our performance tends to move or regress towards the average or mean.

Probability, Intuition and Attribution
Our Israeli flight instructors had experienced regression towards the mean in their students' performances. It was nearly impossible for a student to repeat or exceed an exceptional performance on the following day. It was also highly unlikely that a student would repeat an exceptionally bad performance.

The instructors' use of negative and positive feedback had very little if anything to do with it. It was just coincidental; yet they'd built a strong belief system about punishment and reward that seemed intuitive and was supported by the evidence.

Tuning Up Your Intuition
The Drunkard's Walk is full of examples of how we humans manage to successfully employ our intuition to fail tests, lose money, and generally make bad decisions. It also shows us that, by developing an understanding of randomness and probability, we can learn to make better decisions.

Whether you read the book or not, I'd like to invite you to engage the concept of regression towards the mean in your life. In general, if you want to develop a strong and accurate sense for how things are going (from working with your child to trying to lose weight to evaluating an employee to learning to play piano), you want to learn to discount the exceptions (bad days at school, increases in weight, stellar days on the sales floor, fat thumb Wednesdays) and look at how things are going on average.

Change your mean, change your life.

Have a great week!

Labels: empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

... or do you wait for external factors?

What I like so much about the Option Philosophy is the empowerment that results from applying the philosophy in our daily lives. We change our attitude from being victims of our lives to designers of our lives. We change from "it's all in God's hands" to "we control what we think in any situation". This means that regardless of what is happening in our lives right now, there is something we can do for ourselves and others. We can use our minds to create a way out of unhappiness and into happiness.

The other day I was driving with some friends in my car and one of them told me about the Readings of Abraham, written by Esther Hicks. (Yes, these days I'm reading, researching and discussing many different philosophies and studies regarding happiness).

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

...Then Every Problem Looks Like a Nail
Over the past couple of days, Iris has been reading an amazing booked entitled Learned Optimism, How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, by Martin Seligman.

When Iris first moved to the US from the Netherlands, we began a practice of her reading aloud to me in order to improve her English pronunciation. Even today, she often reads to me and I've found this book to be really great.

One of the things that Dr. Seligman covers in his book is that there is a clear distinction between overcoming unhappiness (e.g., depression, fear, anxiety, anger) and becoming happy. In short, overcoming unhappiness doesn't result in one becoming happy; it simply results in one not being depressed or anxious or fearful or angry. To be happy is a different matter all together.

Happy Does Not Equal (Not Unhappy)
Dr. Seligman outlines three forms of happiness that one can pursue: a Pleasant Life in which you fill your life with as much positive emotion as you can; an Engaged Life in which you identify your greatest strengths and talents and then re-craft your life to use them as much as you can, and; a Meaningful Life in which you use your highest strengths and talents to be part of and of service to something you believe to be larger than yourself.

I find this distinction between moving away from depression, anxiety, fear, and anger, and moving towards happiness, engagement and meaning to be significant. I'm sure many of you do as well. One of the cornerstones of the Option philosophy is moving towards what we do want, rather than moving away from what we don't want.

The thing is, I had no idea what this meant in terms of some of the other tools that we have all learned to use in the context of the Option Philosophy.

Specificity and Clarity
Perhaps the most useful tool that I've learned from the wonderful folks at the Option Institute is the use of specificity and clarity when dealing with unhappiness.

For example, what we often call fear of the unknown is actually just fear of the vague. As we explore the object of our fear, we bring specificity and clarity to it. As the we flesh out our fear with specificity and clarity, the fear morphs from an undercurrent of anxiety and discomfort to something that seems easily manageable or nothing at all. One might start with a general fear of dying and end up with the fact that they're simply concerned about the color of a mole on their arm.

Specificity and clarity are also great tools when undertaking a new task or project, specially when the it's big and overwhelming. Specificity and clarity (combined with timing and priority) allow us to take any project (no matter how big) and break it down into bite-size chunks that can be accomplished without difficulty.

Essentially, specificity and clarity allow us to make big things small.

What If You Want to Make Things Bigger?
The thing I learned from Dr. Seligman's book, the thing that seems so obvious once you see it, is that:

specificity and clarity are not
always the best tools to use!

Specificity and clarity work great when dealing with unhappiness (e.g. fear, anger, anxiety, discomfort, depression), but they're not so great when we want to amplify happiness (e.g., optimism, confidence, empowerment, contentment). To accomplish the latter, we want to become more general, not more specific.

For example, lets say that you want to evaluate your capacity to take on a new job that involves managing lots of people. From a specificity and clarity perspective, you would consider your actual experience managing a group of similar size and character . You would want to map specific experiences to specific tasks at hand.

However, in terms of your sense of confidence and optimism, you would want to think about yourself generally as being a great manager with great skills able to manage any one and any situation.

Think about it...

Who would you consider to be more confident, the person who feels they can accomplish tasks with which they have experience, or the one who believes they can accomplish anything?

Who would you consider more optimistic, the person who believes that things will work out once they see a clear and specific path through them, or the one who believes that things will work out generally, even before they know how?

Who would you rather have in charge during an emergency, the person who will only address specific challenges that they've trained for, or the one who, based on these experiences feels capable of handling any situation that arises?

Whereas specificity and clarity make things smaller and more manageable, generalizing makes things bigger and stronger.

None of the above discounts specific training, clear thinking and experience. It's just that, if I want to make my happiness bigger! I want to take specific happy (satisfying, optimistic, empowered, successful, loving, enjoyable) experiences and generalize them.

Isn't that cool?

Happy Sunday!

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Over the past couple of weeks, I've had the opportunity to respond to reactions that people have had to different things that I'd written in my blogs. It's something that I love to do; if people disagree with what I've said or if they agree with what I've said, I really want to hear about it. Unfortunately, although I'd posted less than flattering photos of both George Bush and Al Gore, they apparently hadn't taken notice. So, the reactions came from elsewhere.

The crazy thing is that one of the people who had responded quite seriously with apparent concern and consternation about what I'd written, hadn't actually responded himself. Rather than bringing it to me or even posting a comment, he'd hidden behind others asking people I'd referenced in one of my blogs to write me and challenge my assertions.

Now, even more crazily (out of respect for the first person, whom I am now, contrary to my normal MO, not naming), I responded quickly to the responses of the people who had responded at the behest of him, the person who didn't want to respond himself. (I told you this whole thing was crazy). Not only did I respond quickly, but I spent hours considering their assertions, thoughtfully crafting a response.

Now, one week later, I've yet to hear anything in response to my response. Apparently, what was at one moment critical is now, well, not critical. (BTW, with all my mixing of perfect, past perfect, past pluperfect and future perfect tenses, let alone all the anonymizing, if you're still hanging in here, I applaud you!)

Helping People Who Won't Help Themselves
OK, if you've got this far, you may be wondering what the heck I'm talking about. Here's the question, "how many people in your life are you supporting beyond the level that they're willing to support themselves?"

In other words, how many times have you loaned money to someone for the last time (repeatedly) even as they loitered about waiting for the "right" job?

How many times have you attentively listened to someone into the wee hours of the morning as they lamented the challenges of their current relationship (for the five hundredth time)?

How many times have you worked nights and weekends to accomplish an incredibly important task at the behest of someone who had departed for a long weekend down the shore or a European vacation?

How many times have you stayed late at a party to ensure that everyone (who seemed not so concerned about the matter) got home safely?

Maybe It's Just Me
As I'm writing this, I'm starting to think that maybe it's just me? Maybe other people don't do this kind of stuff? Or, maybe they do, but, so what?

Even if it is just me, I've come to a decision.

From now on and forever more, I'm not going to spend one iota of time helping someone who isn't willing to put at least as much effort as I am into helping themselves.

OK, I'm lying. I mean, I don't know that I'm lying yet, but I'm anticipating that my last declaration was more bravado than belief.

Patron Saint of Lost Causes
I've often been called the Patron Saint of Lost Causes, the last one standing in regard to an impossible belief. You might call it eternally hopeful which (if you read a recent and apparently controversial blog of mine) implies strong powers of denial.

I'm always willing to look at the positive potential in things even when it pales in comparison to everything else. So, I'm a bit conflicted with my current situation. Do I keep pulling for people who seem not to want to pull for themselves, or, who seem to consider my pulling for them to be challenging or antagonistic? Or, do I simply walk away, giving up on them and letting go?

Neither A nor B
As is often the case, I've created an unnecessary dichotomy for myself. In fact, I neither have to continue to pursue lost causes, nor write them off. I've decided that the best course of action is to simply pursue what I want, believing that it will all turn out for the best.

As I think about my experiences, it's oftentimes the people who most resist this course of action (i.e., just doing what I think is best) that come along later applauding it, and, the people who seem at first to be on board, that later denounce it.

Ultimately, I have no idea how they'll respond in the end. So, why try to anticipate it?

What About You?
How many things in your life are you holding off until you get everyone else on board? How many people are you pouring time and effort into at a level that surpasses their own? Are you holding yourself back in order to help others?

I'm reminded of the amazing poem by Marianne Williamson that was quoted by Nelson Mandella at his inauguration:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Going forward, I'm not going wait any longer for people to get on board. Who am I not to shine? Who am I to wait for someone better to accomplish the task at hand? Who am I not to at least try to make something better?

What about you?

Happily and lovingly, Teflon...

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

One of the things that Iris loves to do is sing. Whereas some people seem to have been born with all the skills required to sing amazingly, Iris has had to work at it.

And she has. She really practices singing. She reads about singing. She pursues on-line courses on singing. She's going for it.

Lately, Iris has started to make some real breakthroughs. She's increased her usable range by an octave, she's developed solid pitch, and she's come into a style which is really her own. (We're still working on how to get Dutch people to off straight-time, but even that's coming along.)

Iris' main focus now is the "doing it consistently part". It's a joy to watch Iris sing and to be part of the whole process. For those of us in our little band who have played professionally for years, Iris's heart, attitude and persistence are inspirational.

Waiting for the Sun
In addition to singing, Iris has been writing songs; she's become our band's lyricist. As we develop new music, Iris creates melodies and lyrics to go with them.

One day, when Iris had first started working on her singing, she began singing a song in Dutch. I noticed a remarkable difference between her singing in English and singing in Dutch. In Dutch, Iris was much more relaxed and her singing was much better. I commented on it and she decided that she would write some songs in Dutch.

One of the first songs she wrote was called "Het Strand". It's about going to the beach on a cold and rainy summer day, and then waiting for the sun to emerge from behind the clouds. Because you never know...

Showing Up
Woody Allen is quoted as saying,

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

I gotta admit, I agree with him, though I might extend it to ninety percent. I've talked to so many people for whom the most significant events in their lives occurred as a result of having decided to simply go here or try this or call so-and-so. People who met the love of their life... People who found the best job ever... People who discovered their greatest passions... on and on.

To me, the most inspiring of these stories are those that involve the suspension of doubt, disbelief and ambivalence. People who didn't really feel like going, but went anyway... People who didn't believe they could do it, but went for it... People who weren't sure about how things would turn out, but tried it out...

Calling the Shot?
One of the things that has become part of my modus operandi (MO), one of the things that some people seem to really like about me and others not so much, is that it never occurs to me that I can't do something.

It's not like I'm courageous or brave or strong or any of those kind of admirable words. It's just that the thought doesn't occur.

As a result of this, when talking about a new project or endeavor, I always approach it with either inspiring or infuriating certainty (your choice). The people who find the practice infuriating will often ask, "How do you know you can do that?"

After thinking about it, I guess I don't know that I can do it. But I also don't know that I can't do it. So, I might as well pick the former.

The typical response is then, "OK, so how are you going to do it?"

My response usually is, "I don't know."

I mean, why would you take on something new that you already know how to do? You do that enough times and you'll end up with Alzheimer's or something from continually working the same old neural pathways. Kind of like repetitive stress for the brain.

What I've found, is that I can always figure out some way to get from here to there. It may not be the way I originally imagined and the there that I started with may end up being a different there than the one I end up with, but still, there always seem to be a way.

I'm still working on the difference between being able to do anything and being able to do everything. But for now, the anything side seems to work.

Are You in the Game?
So what sun are you waiting for?

Are you waiting on the beach, or are you lying in bed?

Are you waiting for the weather man to guarantee that the sun will show its face today, or are you heading out door without guarantees?

Are you waiting for someone to tell you how to get to the beach, or have you decided that you'll figure a way to get there regardless of what comes your way?

As they used to say on the lotto commercials, "You gotta play to win!"

Wishing that you find yourself in the perfect spot when your sun rises.

Have a great Friday!

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Aly started second grade at her new school this week. All of her excitement, enthusiasm, curiosity, and fear was neatly tucked away in her new backpack in anticipation of her first day. Do you remember your first day of second grade? The smells of the recently cleaned hallways, the clicking of lockers opening, the wonder of new teachers, the excitement of seeing old friends and the opportunity for new ones?

For me, what I remember most is trying on all my new clothes the night before to pick out the perfect outfit for the first day. As Aly entertained me with her fashion show and of course chose the one outfit I didn't like, I began thinking about how much we compartmentalize our lives.

Take school for example. In Massachusetts school starts in September and ends in June. We are surrounded by different beliefs about school; one that is prevalent here is that school is "work" and summer vacation is "fun". During the school year, weekends are "fun". You learn when you are in school and you play when you are not.

These common beliefs have actually facilitated generations of people who view learning as work and therefore "harder" than play. How many of you reading this post long for the weekends so you can "relax" and have fun?

Imagine if we didn't compartmentalize our lives into school, work, family, vacation, "down time", at home, not at home, with friends, with colleagues, starting a project, taking a break, etc.

One ironic point for me personally is that I perpetuate compartmentalizing with Aly based on my beliefs about "typical" children, but I don't with David based on my beliefs about curing autism.

We have been doing a Son Rise Program (relationship based, play therapy) with David for three and a half years, on average 50 hours a week. Often, when I talk about this with others, they respond in a way that demonstrates their beliefs about 50 hours a week of therapy.

They'll often respond with something like, "Wow, isn't that a lot? How do you do it? That is amazing."

My typical response is, "well, it's all play based so it's fun, it's not like focused, structured, therapy."

As I reflect on this now, I realize how ridiculous that statement really is. What I am really saying is that David's way of learning is fun and Aly's is hard work and therefore not so fun. The reality is that David has to "work" much harder to get a single word out than Aly but my beliefs about how the learning occurs differs. I now know that this is why David loves his playroom and Aly doesn't particularly like school.

I am excited to do one of the exercises that Teflon proposed in one of his recent blogs. Through some of my recent reflections, I have realized that in some cases, I am a "belief fraud". If anyone asked me about my beliefs about learning, one thing I would have said without hesitation is that "learning is fun!". My behaviors with Aly don't support that belief and I am excited to explore new behaviors that will! What beliefs will support the life you want to live? Do your behaviors support them?

Love to all!
Kathy

Labels: all blogs, kathy decastro, philosophy

Over the years I have participated in many Son-Rise Program team meetings. I have also been involved in other types of group activities and classes that have focused on Improv and TEAM BUILDING. I love these events. I make them outrageous, enthralling, dynamic, delightful and often the highlights of my week. A unique time to laugh, bond, feel inspired, be creative and celebrate. I am excited to share some ideas and suggestions for your team meetings and for team building in general. These are a sure way to PUMP up the MOTIVATION of each team member and deepen the bond and commitment of your group.

Game and Activity Ideas for your TEAM:

Energy Ball: Stand in a circle. One person starts off by 'holding' an imaginary ball of energy. Allow this person time to hold onto this ball of energy as it moves and takes shape into something that the person then acts out. For example, the energy ball might transform into a bicycle that the person begins to ride around the room on. This person then 'throws' the ball of energy to someone else in the circle.

You can easily use this type of creativity in the playroom by transforming an ordinary item that your child wants (e.g. food, puzzle pieces, balls etc.) into something a little unusual. Can you imagine how your child would respond if all the sudden the piece of banana that you are bringing to him turned into a bicycle that you then proceeded to give him a ride on?

Wizard: This is a fun one to do while in your playroom with your child or your team. Take turns being the wizard and the demonstrators of the wizards magic! The wizard calls out ridiculous instructions (e.g. "I command you to be ice cream with a cherry on top" or "I turn you into the head of a monkey and the body of a whale" etc.). I've never laughed so hard then when playing this game! Be outrageous. At the Son-Rise Start Up we were playing this game and I remember Bryn instructing people to be dogs. One Son-Rise dad, Patch, was the craziest and most real-life like spastic happy Labrador dog I've ever seen a human be! Wow, even the simplest of instructions can be made into a wonderfully hilarious life-long memory.

A great and simple way to play wizard with your child is to use eye power. Every time your child looks at you turn into something magical!

Wind in the Willows: The group stands in a close circle (no gaps!) with one person in the middle. The person in the middle of the circle, crosses arms over chest, with eyes closed or open, he or she falls in any direction while maintaining a straight body and trusting the spotters to catch him / her. Afterward you can talk about how it felt for each person to trust. Did they believe they would be caught? Were they relaxed and comfortable as they fell?

Don't Stop Moving: Ask someone in your team to make a Team Grooving CD with your teams favorite songs. A mix of genre's and tempos works very well. The idea of this activity is to play the CD and to simply keep moving. Move in whatever way the music inspires you to move and express your emotions through movement. This is a great way to inspire your team members to use their bodies more and in more dynamic ways in the playroom.

Silent Communication: On slips of paper, write down some instructions related to the room that you will be holding your meeting in (e.g. "Smell the flower", "Get a glass of water and drink it" "Jump on the trampoline and sing"). One person silently communicates the instruction that is written using his or her head only (use eyes to 'point' to things, nodding yes and shaking head for no are allowed, but do not talk. Some people may want to sit on their hands as a reminder to not use them). Another person tries to figure out the instruction and do it by paying close attention to the communicators head gestures and by asking lots of questions / trial and error.

This is an amazing game and can really help people become more comfortable (even ecstatic) trying things out / experimenting when faced with a non-verbal request! And you will quickly figure out that just as in the playroom, it works best when we are very responsive to the communicators cues and when we are in doubt just try anything out.

PLAY: One of the most fun times I've ever had was playing with and watching my other Child Facilitator friends play in the Son-Rise Unit 3 playroom. I HIGHLY recommend this as a team bonding activity. Pair up members of your Son-Rise team and have each pair go in your playroom for 15 minutes while everyone else watches them. The only rule is: HAVE FUN!!! It is so awesome to see each person's personality come out. When we did this, there was the "teacher", the "controller" and the "dangerous ones" just to name a few.

If you are not a Son-Rise parent or are not involved in a Son-Rise Program, no worries, YOU STILL BELONG! Find a way to try out these fun activities with family members, friends, or coworkers. And for all you Son-Rise parents, I know you have many other responsibilities as it is already so DELEGATE. Elect one person from your team to lead a team building game.

I have other types of ideas for team building for my next post. Please let me know if these are helpful and what it was like to try them. Thanks and Happy September.

Labels: bonding, creativity, fun activities, jeannene christie, team building

I was about to write this blog on the Pursuit of Stupidness (I know, the word is stupidity, but I'm trying to cleverly use an alliteration here).

Anyway, I was looking for references to the pursuit of happiness on google and found an article in Psychology Today that took at least three pages of text to say what I would say in a half page (with pictures). I only contrast the Psychology Today article with my own writing as Chris Kisling has previously pointed out that my blogs may be a bit long. The PT article was crazy long.

There were several things in the article that made it suspect. (By the way, if you're a very serious person, please don't read this blog.)

Name Dropping
A really easy way to avoid the requirement of making logical and self-verifiable statements is to simply attribute the statement to someone of note. Reporters use this technique all the time; rather than going through all the effort of building a logical progression that leads from point A to point B, they simply say that, so-and-so with thus-and-such credentials says blah-blah-blah. Amazingly, once people hear that someone whom they respect said something, they buy into it hook-line-and-sinker. Sigh...

This phenomenon is not limited to popular writers. Over the past few years, Iris and I have had amazing opportunities to work with passionate and talented people from numerous disciplines who are doing everything they can to make the world a better place.

One wonderful group of people at Oxford established a new initiative to address issues of poverty and human development. To help launch the initiative, Iris and I flew to England to design and build a website and to help with the launch activities.

Dining at Hogwarts
It was an amazing experience. We were invited to attend a dinner at one of the colleges with a "high table" on a raised platform in the front of the hall; it was kind of like going to Hogwarts for dinner.

After dinner, Iris pointed out (based on guidance from the woman sitting next to her) that I'd managed to violate most of (if not all) the rules of etiquette. Of note, I had spent much of the evening asking "why" questions, when apparently "what", "where" and "when" questions were considered appropriate. (There were also other rules such as never talking about a woman who was not present. But, that's another story.)

At that point I assumed that I'd just experienced an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and was grateful for it. However, much to my surprise, Iris and I were graciously invited to the college chaplain's quarters for whiskey and discussion.

Whiskey and Discussion
In the chaplain's quarters, we and a small group of scholars were presented an array of whiskeys, each accompanied by a brief description of its origin and character.

Our whiskeys in hand, we embarked upon an evening of discussion.

As we talked, it occurred to me that every time someone made a statement, they quickly backed it up with references to the writings or statements of others. Although I now understand this to be the standard in academic circles, for me it felt like a combination of insecurity and cheating.

I mean, if you want to say something, say it! and then back it up with logic and verifiable facts. Don't just say, "it's true because so-and-so says it's so."

My first response to a statement attributed to someone else is usually something on the order of, "that's great, but what do you think?" This situation was no exception.

As I asked my questions, people in the room were wonderfully polite and let them slide by without comment. Slowly though, they engaged and we got to what each person was really thinking for themselves. I found the thoughts that these amazing people had were much more insightful and interesting than the appropriate and documented statements with which we'd started.

At the end of the evening, we were invited to return any time that we're in town. For me, hearing what people believed and why without justification based on someone else having said it was wonderful.


What's All This Got to Do with the Word Utilize?
Well, as name dropping is a way to convince people of an argument that lacks merit (note, the concept itself may have merit, I'm just talking about its presentation), using "big" words when not-so-big words would be more efficient, is a great indicator that the person writing either has no clue about what they're saying or, alternatively, no clue about English.

In the Psychology Today article, the writer makes the following statement:

"What is happiness? The most useful definition--and it's one agreed upon by neuroscientists, psychiatrists, behavioral economists, positive psychologists, and Buddhist monks--is more like satisfied or content than "happy" in its strict bursting-with-glee sense. It has depth and deliberation to it. It encompasses living a meaningful life, utilizing your gifts and your time, living with thought and purpose."

Note the really stupid reference to neuroscientists, psychiatrists, behavioral economists, positive psychologists, and Buddhist monks as though the writer actually did a survey and knows that the preponderance of opinion among these groups is supportive of her statement. It's not so much stupid in the sense that the writer wrote it as it is in the sense that the editors approved it and, no doubt, many people bought it.

Note, I don't necessarily disagree with the writer, I'm just talking about how dumb the presentation is.

But back to utilize. The question is, "Why use the word utilize, when we have the word use?".

Or, maybe I should say, "Why utilize the word utilize, when we could just as easily utilize the word use?"

In my experience, the reason people often use words in writing or presenting arguments that they would never use in ordinary conversation is to somehow artificially prop up an argument that they can't otherwise defend. Essentially, let's sound smart.

Enough Ranting Already
OK, I'm done with my little (Iris just pointed out long) rant here. I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it.

In the end, my conclusion is that I love talking with people who say what they're thinking and then back it up based on clear understanding and a desire to explain versus a desire to prove a point through attribution, reference and the use of words that are supposed to sound smart.

What do you think?

PS, Brian just read this and said that it actually felt shorter than most my blogs. Chris, we need you to weigh in.