Belief Makers

I love how life expands and contracts over time. I meet new people. I get myself into new situations. I continually expose myself to new experiences. I like some of the new experiences so much that I want to keep them alive forever, recreating them over and over. Other experiences fall into the first-and-last-time category. Once is more than enough. Never again is perfect.

But let me tell you: I do not believe in the concepts of "forever" and "never" (or "one time only"). I only use these words to express my enthusiasm or lack of enthusiasm for an experience in the moment. In the end they say nothing about what I will actually do in the future.

Enthusiasm Passing By
The other day we were talking about the first records that we bought. I remember vividly that I was twelve years old and bought an LP of the Dolly Dots after being introduced to them by a new friend named Tanja. She and her older sister had been to a live concert and were true fans. They had all the records and their rooms were covered with posters of these women dressed in bright neon colors.

Inspired by their excitement, my love of dancing and my love of good music to dance to, I dove headlong into the music. With my very limited English skills, I tried to learn all the songs by heart, listening to the record over and over and over. This also made a deep impression on my brother who still can (perhaps not so fondly) remember the persistence with which I replayed the songs. I knew that I would love this music forever!

But over time my taste in music changed and the Dolly Dots were replaced in my teenage years by music like 10cc, Spandau Ballet, the Doors, Neil Young and Joe Cocker. I changed, my environment changed, my choices changed, and I moved on to other things in life. Goodbye Dolly Dots!

Grateful or Not
When I was eleven years old, the school system started to teach me English, French and German. At that age, I did not even understand Dutch at an advanced level; mixing it with with other languages was very confusing. I would use French words in English, German words in French etc. I hated these classes. And I especially wasn’t fond of my English teacher who was a hothead and seemed not to understand that kids like me were not following the class. I got low grades for my language classes, and I never learned to like my English teacher.

When I moved to the USA, I started to be really grateful for my education in English. Even though I still had a lot to learn, the basics given to me by this teacher were enough to make myself understandable. It was also a great basis from which to expand my skills. In Cambridge, I took English classes designed for foreigners and I am still improving my skills today.

At this point in my life, I am grateful to be able to express myself in this blog. From that perspective, you could say that I am grateful for the teachers I have had. But if you were to ask me for which teacher in English I am most grateful, my answer would not be the grade school teacher or my first teacher here in the US. The teachers for whom I am most grateful are people whose use of the English language has deeply inspired me, writers and musicians. In fact, right now, the single person for whom I am most grateful is my husband who is an inspired force in inspiring me to consistently develop my skills to a higher level.

Grateful Forever
I make up that most of us have experiences comparable to mine above. You have been really excited about something and then it passed, or things you didn’t appreciate became more appreciated over time as you gained perspective. You might even start to do gratitude for things you never even considered to be gratifying.

I think this makes us humans very interesting. We change our minds, our thoughts and our feelings regularly over time, and in some instances can go completely from one side of the scale to the other.

This is why I do not believe in 'forever' and 'never'. Too often my 'never' becomes 'sometimes' which in turn can become 'forever'. And of course, my 'forever' can slide right into 'never!' without much effort at all.

In the end, they both say nothing about what I will be doing in the future! They only say how I am feeling in the moment.

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

Have you ever read the book, Surely, You're Joking Mr. Feynman?, Adventures of a Curious Character? It's a wonderful book written by Richard P. Feynman, a Nobel prize winning physicist who, among other things, worked on the Manhattan project (the world war two project that gave us the atomic bomb.)

I love the book because Feynman is so clear and unabashed in looking at how he and others operate. In one instance, he talks about participating as a pallbearer in the funeral of a "friend" he couldn't remember having known only to find out that he hadn't known him. Feynman had been mistaken for someone else and asked to participate in the "friend's" funeral. Not wanting to admit that he couldn't place the person who had died, he simply traveled to the funeral and participated.

No Physics in Brazil
At one point, Feynman traveled to Brazil as part of a US State Department sponsored exchange program in which American scientists spent a year abroad teaching in foreign universities. Feynman had wanted to learn Samba, so he thought it was a great idea.

As he read the physics textbook and interacted with the students, it became clear that the students were learning physics by memorizing it. When he asked questions as they had been phrased in the text book, the students would answer quickly and correctly. For example, were he to ask, "What is Brewster's Angle?", the students could respond correctly with something like "Brewster's Angle is the angle at which light reflected from a medium with an index of refraction is completely polarized."

However, if he were to ask the same question in terms of it's application or generically, they would be completely stumped. As the class that Feynman was teaching was the university's most advanced course in electricity and magnetism, and as the students had already taken many other classes, and as most of the students would themselves become teachers, Feynman became quite concerned about the future of physics in Brazil. What happens when the physics teachers themselves don't understand physics?

As Feynman pursued his concerns, he discovered that he was too late. At the end of the academic year, he was asked by the students to give a talk about his experiences teaching in Brazil. To a crowded lecture hall that included students, professors, government officials and even the author of the physics text, Feynman announced, "The main purpose of my talk is to demonstrate to you that no science is being taught in Brazil!"

I'll let you read the book to get the details, but quickly paraphrased, Feynman determined that the root cause for this phenomenon could be traced to the motivation for learning physics. The government and academic institutions had invested heavily in physics education because "civilized countries" have strong programs in physics and because they wanted to be second to none in education. The students were motivated by getting degrees and prestigious positions. No one was motivated by the utility of science, or its contribution to the improvement of the human condition, etc.

Two of a Kind
Yesterday morning, I was talking to Mark K and my dad, Lee, both of whom had come to our place for Thanksgiving. As we talked, I began noticing remarkable similarities between Mark and Lee.

Both Mark and Lee are quite intelligent by traditional standards, Mark with a degree from University of Michigan and Lee, MIT. Both Mark and Lee struggle with "addictions", Mark with food, and Lee with alcohol. Both associate their lapses in sobriety with episodes of depression. Both, attribute their depression to boredom (yes, boredom). Both, look outside themselves for solutions. Both answer question about themselves with references to what others have said or written. Both, thankfully, seem not to tire (or at least not quickly tire) of my questions and my "annoying" ability to structure concepts in real time and then argue them.

At one point, Lee stopped me to triumphantly explain that the American Medical Association (AMA) considers alcoholism to be a disease. I had been talking about our ability to address challenges like addiction, etc. through changes to our belief systems and how changing our beliefs changes our minds (physically and figuratively). Lee decided that I was full of crap and that he could prove it by his AMA reference.

For me, Lee's statement felt like a stack of unexpected Christmas presents. It was so wrong in so many ways and so telling about how Lee thinks that I simply didn't know where to start. I thought about how doctors nowadays are actually starting to recognize how artificial the mind/body distinction is and how any AMA reference to something other than that must be outdated. I thought about asking, "What do you mean by 'disease'?"... or, "Why do you believe it simply because it showed up in an AMA article?"... or, "OK, let's say it's a disease, so what?"

And then it occurred to me. Lee is an electrical engineer and a mathematician. He's a scientist who learned empirical methods. He likes to solve problems and spent his career doing so. I can remember him telling me as a kid that doctors have terrible diagnostic skills because they are taught through memorization. They learn names for things, they read articles on things and studies have shown that they tend to be able to diagnose only those maladies that they've either seen before or read about. If it's something truly new or something that is presented in a really different way, they're usually stumped.

With his AMA reference, Lee had switched sides! He was now in the learn-by-memorizing camp! So, with so many potential questions, I asked him about when he'd changed his opinion on the analytic and diagnostic skills of doctors. He replied, "We're done! I don't want to talk about this any more!"

A Memorization Pandemic
This morning, as I thought about Mark and Lee and their seemingly endless struggles with food and alcohol, it occurred to me that it might all go back to what Feynman wrote about physics in Brazil. Mark and Lee have each participated in three to four times as many programs at the Option Institute as either Iris or I have. Mark and Lee have both benefited significantly from those programs. Yet, in many instances, Mark and Lee don't seem to understand the underlying concepts and principles.

When I say, "Don't understand", I'm not saying that I disagree with their interpretation of the concepts; I'm saying that Mark and Lee can't explain what they themselves interpret the concepts to mean or how they apply.

Then it occurred to me that Mark and Lee may represent a pervasive challenge, not just in regard to the Option Philosophy, but generally. Could it be that any number of institutions have become completely bereft of understanding? Consider the US Congress or any number of failed financial institutions or the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) or the AMA or the NEA (National Educational Association). When I read or hear different things said by representatives of these and other organizations, I often think to myself, "Hmmm... they don't seem to understand what they're talking about! What they're saying feels like a cut-and-paste job based on articles and reports written by others. There are gaps in their logic."

Feynman eventually concluded that no one in Brazil actually understood physics writing, "I knew the system was bad, but 100 percent--it was terrible!"

Could it be that we're experiencing this elsewhere?

Do You Understand?
I believe that there is a pervasive trend towards cut-and-paste thinking. Wikis. Sound bytes. Platitudes. Mottoes. Bumper stickers. Pop songs. So and so says... You name it.

I also believe that simply accepting cut-and-paste opinions, or adopting them as our own, dramatically limits us and how we address challenges.

Have you found yourself "stuck" in a particular challenge despite all that you've learned about the Option Philosophy? It could be that you simply don't have an understanding of it.

The easiest way to tell is to find someone who is real stickler for clarity and specificity and explain the concepts to them. If you both walk away feeling satisfied, then you probably have an understanding of what you believe. If not, well...

Have you been making decisions in your life simply because of what you've read or heard the "experts" say? When provided an expert opinion on a challenge (financial, medical, automotive, educational), do you simply go with what you've been told assuming that it's above your head, or do you go for understanding?

What about your kids? Do the people who are teaching them understand what they're teaching, or did they read a book about it last summer? Are your kids learning through memorization?

If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend Mr. Feynman's book. It's a quick read. It's entertaining. It can really change how you think!

Labels: all blogs, education, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

My first boyfriend grew up in what I would call a happy household. The parents were very happy together, and loved and supported their three children were possible. At the same time they also embraced other children like me and welcomed us into their family and lives. They were supportive of me when challenges arose, giving me a listening ear and support or questions when needed. They enjoyed the little things, and even though they had their own challenges, they shared their lives of love and laughter with me.

I grew up in what I would call an unhappy household. My parents had struggles in their relationship long before my brother or I were conceived.

Labels: all blogs, control, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

Labels: faith clarke, gift, thanksgiving

As I sat on the couch tonight talking with my dad about his newly acquired hatred of African-American presidents who lie all the time (a hatred that is apparently shared by everyone at his assisted living center in Kentucky), and the seeming contradiction with his ostensible adherence to Christianity, I started thinking to myself, "Wow, I wonder what a good shot of gratitude would do for my dad and his cronies?"

That got me thinking about Thanksgiving.

I think that Thanksgiving is my favorite of holidays. Although potentially religious in nature (depending on whether or not the object of gratitude is some type of deity), the holiday is not deity dependent; we can direct our thanks towards God, or the "Universe", or towards other people, or we can simply feel grateful. Regardless of towards whom or what we direct our gratitude, I find that doing gratitude is always a happiness building experience.

Feeling Lucky?
When Bears and I were working closely together on a daily basis, we would often discuss and playfully debate the object of our gratitude. Whenever Bears would tell me that I was 'blessed', I would reply with, "You mean, 'lucky'."

Bears would quickly correct me by explaining 'blessed' and the implications of the universe being benevolent and not random. I would respond with, "I know what you mean by blessed and its implications; I really meant to use lucky', as in disproportionately benefiting from random events or beating the odds."

It was always fun.

Of course, neither of us is correct when it comes to gratitude. Although many of us might consider gratitude to be a direct response or reaction to some event or person, gratitude is actually something that we do independently of cause or attribution. We can be grateful for anything and in any situation; it's something that we can choose or not choose.

If we take our ability to control our gratitude to "extremes", our gratitude may appear irrational to those around us, or even to ourselves. "How can you be grateful for this or that?" (Joy, this would be one of those non-questions you referred to in What Kind of Question is That?)

Rather than simply saying, "because I decided to feel grateful" or "because it feels good to be grateful", we often seek to justify or rationalize our gratitude by attributing it to either a higher power or beating the odds. But typically, the rationalization comes after the fact. In the end, gratitude is just something we do.

Thanksgiving?
So then the question is, "Why Thanksgiving?"

Isn't that a curious question? I mean, when you get together with people for Thanksgiving, what's the point? I don't mean this flippantly; I simply mean, why are you doing it? Is it just vacuous tradition? What's your intention? Are you getting together to enhance your sense of gratitude? Are you doing it to express gratitude to those who are there? Are you fulfilling familial obligations? Looking for a meal? What are you doing?

As I think about it, for me (being an existentialist who doesn't carry out traditions for their own sake), there are three basic functions of Thanksgiving (doesn't 'function' sound cold and clinical):

1. to make my experience of gratitude bigger by outwardly sharing it with others, and
2. to allow others to bask in the glow of my gratefulness, and
3. to bask in the glow of the gratitude of others.
   

Being grateful generally feels good; it's a short-cut to being happy. When I express my gratitude to others, I amplify it thereby making my happiness bigger.

Being grateful specifically is edifying to the object of my gratitude (assuming that the object is a living human that can experience my expression of gratitude).

Receiving gratitude feels great (when I allow myself graciously accept it.)

All of these great feelings are choices, but choices that come quite easily to most of us humans.

The Happiest Day of the Year
If you believe that gratitude is a shortcut to happiness (perhaps the best shortcut), then Thanksgiving should by definition be the happiest day of the year!

So, do you buy any of this? Is gratitude a shortcut to feeling happier? Does being grateful feel good? Is receiving gratitude edifying and uplifting?

Perhaps I'm preaching to the choir, but if you do buy into any or all of this, how will keeping these ideas at the forefront of your awareness affect your Thanksgiving?

I know that many of you don't live in the US, but since we're talking about what ought to be the happiest day of the year you might want to join in. In fact, I've come to a decision. Sitting here at my official desk at the International Headquarters of A New Option blog in South Egremont, MA, USA, I've decided to formally declare Thursday, November 26, 2009 International Gratitude Expression Day.

iGed Terms and Conditions
To participate in International Gratitude Expression Day (aka, iGed), all you need to do is:

1. Set a clear intention to actively, warmly and meaningfully express your gratitude to everyone you encounter (especially those for you whom you often feel less than grateful)
   
2. Set a clear intention to graciously receive and indulge in the gratitude of others
3. Warm up for the event by actively keeping these intentions at the forefront of your awareness all day today
4. Invite others to join you in celebrating International Gratitude Expression Day
5. Express and receive gratitude!
6. Whenever you find yourself or someone doing something other than gratitude, remind yourself of your intentions or share them with the other person
   

Note on on item #1: backhanded expressions of gratitude such as, "I want to thank you for showing me what bastards men can be!" don't count.

The Swine-Flu of Happiness
Imagine what might happen if we all decided to do this. What if gratitude is more contagious than the H1N1 virus! What if everyone on the planet were just 1% happier on average? It could be the happiness equivalent of global warming; all the unhappiness icebergs might melt and we'd be drowned in a sea of happiness! Watch out North Holland!

So, won't you join me for International Gratitude Expression day? You can start right now by expressing gratitude to the first person you see! All you people in Kentucky, start expressing how grateful you are for Obama! All you people in Great Barrington, start expressing your gratitude for Bush!

Get out there on Facebook and invite others to join you! Send email to all you Linked-In contacts. Let's make this thing big! Or, if you like, I'd love for you to share an expression of gratitude to anyone you like in the comments below!

Happy iGed!

Labels: adventures in happiness, all blogs, empowerment, philosophy

One of the guys I used to work with would annually conduct what he called the Miss Management Pageant, an annual ceremony in which employees honored the company's worst managers and their accomplishments. I don't recall all the award titles, but one example is the Forgotten, But Not Gone award.

One day, while talking with my dad about the Miss Management Pageant, he mentioned that he'd always found bad managers to be really great teachers. For some reason, when someone is an excellent manager and leader, it can be quite difficult to see what exactly they're doing that is making them great. On the other hand, bad managers are easy to spot and their dubious methods easy to articulate. My dad would also add, "Only fools learn from their own mistakes."

So, in honor of the Miss Management Pageant and in recognition that we can often learn more from what doesn't work than from what does work, I decided to write down a top-ten list of bad management techniques.

1. Micro-manage
   The most common way to let people know you're in the running for the Miss Management crown is to micro manage. Micromanagement is easy, fun and a great way to distract yourself from all those nasty, difficult challenges that you never had to deal with before you were a manager.
   
   If broader management responsibilities start to interfere with your micromanagement activities, hire an assistant! If he's any good at all, he'll start to make "important" decisions for you. If they work out, you can take all the credit; if not, you can blame him.
   


2. Aspire to nano-management
   Nowadays, micromanagement skills are just table stakes in the highly competitive Miss Management Pageant. To be a real contender, you'll need to expertly hone those micromanagement skills and become a nano-manager.
   
   Unlike micro-managers who merely obsess on irrelevant and meaningless details, nano-managers develop such strong commitment to form over function that they often completely discard the function part.
   
   For example, if an employee walks into your office really hot-under-the-collar and begins telling you about a pressing problem, make sure that you focus exclusively on the her inappropriate attitude and manner. A great nano-manager will segue from these to other topics such as her attire or her manner in other meetings. With any luck, she'll never get to her point. If it turns out that there had been actual substance to her complaint, you can always say that no one ever told you about it.
   
   
3. Never hire people whose skills and capacity exceed your own
   The easiest way to create an organization that is completely out of control is to hire people who are smarter and more talented than you are. If you really want to put a cap on your organization and keep things in check, make sure that you're always the smartest person in the room.
   
   
4. Let poor performers make hiring decisions
   If you sometimes find it difficult to pass on really smart and talented people, then let your worst performers start to do the interviewing and hiring. Surely their personal insecurities and biases will cause them to completely overlook the strongest candidates. And even if they don't, what powerful, talented dynamo would accept a job working with such weak people.
   
   An additional benefit of having your worst people do the hiring is that it keeps them from screwing up other more important tasks.
   
   
5. Offer strong performers raises, promotions and better assignment only when they threaten to quit
   Strong contenders for Miss Management awards know that paying people at different rates based solely on their skills, talents and contributions is a slippery slope. If you start paying your really good people more money or giving them special treatment, before you know it, everyone will want the same.
   
   Only resort to these extreme measures when your best people finally get fed-up and threaten to quit. If you find someone whose disparity between compensation and contribution is so great that you feel compelled to give them a bump in salary, control yourself and hold out until they've at least asked for it.
   
   
6. Don't fire anyone, ever
   When you have an employee who simply isn't delivering, don't fire him. Firing people can be traumatic and can lead to all sorts of HR issues. Instead, transfer him to another organization. If no other organization will take him, give him a meaningless and irrelevant job where he can't hurt anything. If he refuses the meaningless and unimportant job, promote him.
   
   If you must fire him, put him on a "performance improvement plan" with benchmarks that you know he'll never make. To the best of your ability, never indicate your intentions.
   
   
7. Blame your employees for things that go wrong
   If you're in a situation where you're called on the carpet for something that went wrong, blame someone on your team. Explain to your boss how the employee in question has really been a problem and how she has made this kind of mistake before. Nothing highlights mismanagement better than refusing to take responsibility for your own organization.
   
   
8. Dismiss employees who criticize management decisions as being antagonists and not team players
   Nothing can ruin your morning coffee break quicker than an employee walking into the break room with an issue over a management decision. If you find it impossible to avoid one of these naysayers, then join him in his lament and blame "the company" or the "big wigs" at the top.
   
   
9. Go with the advice of people you like
   When you think about it, who really wants to work with a bunch of smart, articulate, strongly opinionated people who seem to always win arguments. Before you know it, it becomes nearly impossible to defend or support your own ideas and plans. In some godawful instances, you might actually find yourself implementing a business plan that you don't agree with simply because these people are "good arguers!"
   
   The easiest way to avoid this kind of debacle is to hire, listen to and promote people like you, people with the same ideas and thought processes, people you enjoy being around.
   
   
10. Rely on management reports to run your business
    The greats know that their most important tool is the management report. With management reports, you don't need to waste time talking to your employees in order to see what's going on.
    
    To make it into the big leagues, you'll need to isolate yourself and other managers from your employees (the troops). If you're a second or third level manager, consider creating a management wing or management floor far removed from the day-to-day activities of your staff. Insist that all your other managers move their offices to the management wing.

Ahh... I could go on and on an on... I hate to leave out such wonderful techniques such as:
- confusing personal aesthetics with quality
- assigning staff people to line jobs
- dismissing strong people because they're difficult to deal with
- avoiding conflict by never stepping in to resolve employee disputes
- demanding that employees respect the corporate hierarchy when communicating
- taking criticism and feedback personally
- allowing meetings to go wherever they will
- prioritizing internal meetings over customer meetings

The wonderful thing is that you don't even need to have a job to be in the running for Miss Management! You can apply these techniques or some variant in numerous situations from working with volunteer organizations to leading the church choir to dealing with your kids.

If you really, really want to win the Miss Management Pageant, start with just one or two of these techniques and you'll find that the rest come easily.

Don't be dismayed! If you consider what I've outlined above, you may find that you're already skilled in any number of these methods of mismanagement.

Labels: all blogs, business, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa

My seven year old daughter Aly loves to play the card game "go fish". It's a game where the players try to get the most matches by asking each other if they have a particular card and if they don't, they respond "go fish" and a card is chosen from the deck. Playing with Aly is extra fun because she likes to change the rules throughout the game. She is quite creative with her ever changing rules but one thing is always consistent, her rules ensure she wins. Aly and I played "go fish" a lot this weekend and I began to realize that Aly didn't particularly care about winning even though it was a clear intention of hers throughout the games. When I asked her about this she simply stated that "you are supposed to win, that's why you play".

Interesting belief.... As with most beliefs my children express, I began to think about how I was teaching this in our lives. I immediately thought of a recent comment I made about how I am not good at puzzles so I didn't want to play with them. This one recollection opened the flood gates and hundreds of examples of not doing things because I wasn't sure I would "win" came to mind. I realized that I am so focused on outcomes that I almost never enjoy things for the simple pleasure of enjoying them. This awareness is incredibly profound for me as I continue my journey of living a happy life. Before writing this blog, Aly, David and I had a blast making all the puzzles that David got for his birthday. I am still not very good at puzzles but we certainly laughed a lot!

Love to all,
Kathy

Do you believe we can be in control of everything? Do you want to be in control of everything? What does it mean to be in control? Why would you want to be in control? What if you are always in control? What if you're never in control?

This morning I got a lovely little note from Mark Oakley, a journalist from Denmark. He told me in a couple of words that he would love to become one of the authors of this blog and that he was looking forward to my reply.

How Should I Respond?
Now, you have to know, I've never met or spoken with this man. I don't know who he is, what he stands for, what he plans to write about, or why he would like to write particularly on this blog. So, I wrote him back the following:

Welcome to the New Option Blog! I am so excited that you want to share in our endeavor to inspire people.

I am traveling right now, but I will contact you later today or tomorrow with the schedule as far as it is filled right now, so that we can start fitting you in. How often would you like to write articles and when would you like to start?

I have to run now, but I will be in touch again soon.

Have a great day!

Since sending that email, I have been enjoying the feeling of curiosity and excitement about having a new blog author on our team. I believe we will have great wonderful submissions from Mark and I am looking forward to seeing the world through his belief filters, and seeing how his world will look the same as mine and different from mine. I am thrilled about all the new possibilities that will come from him joining this growing team of Option philosophy enthusiasts.

Not for Everyone
While enjoying this moment, I realized that not everyone would respond the way I did in this situation. In some ways, what I'm doing is out of control. Shouldn't I figure out beforehand that things are going to work out, that the person invited is going to give me the results I expect, that nothing "bad" is going to happen? (Yes, I meant to use the word "bad".)

The first and biggest learning I ever had during my time at the Option Institute was when I came to volunteer in 2003. I learned that making a decision right now doesn't necessarily imply anything about what is going to happen in the future, that a decision in the now can always be overwritten by other decisions in the future. Decisions are not big problems, they are just small choices. I also realized that the intent of where I want to go has everything to do with where things will end up in the future.

So, What's My Intention
My intent for the A New Option Blog is to provide a place where people can be inspired to find their own answers and question the things they want to question, and to create a community founded on authenticity, love, personal growth, and excitement for life. I believe that having this intent and living this intent every day creates an environment that attracts the people who want to join this endeavor.

This intent does not say anything about how big the A New Option Blog will become, how successful it will be (what does that mean anyway), or what we will be doing and writing about next year. But I do know that this will be a meeting place for wonderful people who are willing to share themselves and their ideas, to inspire others to develop themselves into the most wonderful people they can imagine.

So, I want to leave you with this thought: What if most wonderful new opportunities are created by sharing your intentions with others and then riding the wave of choices and decisions that follow rather than adhering tightly to your plans and walking the one path you designed beforehand?

Labels: all blogs, intention, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

Them's Gettin' Fired Words
One night, while out to dinner with our friend Paul from the Netherlands, Paul, in describing having attempted to connect with some people said, "But they never got back to me!"

When I asked him what he meant by that, he explained that he had called them and that they'd never returned his calls. When I asked him about how many times he'd called them, he said, "Once."

After a few more questions, I mentioned to Paul that, in past lives, I had fired people for just such a statement, i.e., "I called so-and-so, but he never got back to me!"

In each case, the firee had been assigned an important task that they had agreed to complete quickly and effectively. When asked about having completed the task, effecting a manner of earnestly having taken every possible action to accomplish it, they responded with this lamest of all excuses, or some variant like, "I sent him an email, but he never replied."

Paul seemed a bit dumbfounded that I would actually fire someone for something so trivial, but for me the words symbolize the epitome of victimhood and lack of ownership.

My management style has always involved recruiting strong people, setting the tone for what we want to accomplish, ensuring that they have the resources they need, and then giving them room to work. Doing this creates teams that can run circles around larger, more bureaucratic organizations, but it also puts your team in a position where any one of you can sink the boat. So, with the freedom and empowerment comes a lot of responsibility. Making mistakes is acceptable; not owning mistakes is not.

A keep-your-job response would look something like, "Hey, I called him once, but I didn't really put enough effort into tracking him down and connecting. I'll go right now and figure out a way to get this done!"

Many see firing someone as a terrible act performed by cold-hearted bastards who don't give a damn about people; I see not firing someone who is not owning up to their role on the team as a disservice to the rest of the organization (sorry about the double negative).

Destroying Our Future
Yesterday, I listened to a news report on the radio regarding the California Board of Regents deciding to increase student fees to cover a $1.2 billion state funding gap. The reporter spoke of large student gatherings protesting the 32% increase in fees. He played recordings of angry taunts from students repeatedly shouting at the regents, "Shame on you!"

He played interviews of teary students lamenting their helpless state and expressing righteous indignation at the Board of Regents for "destroying their futures and the future of California."

As I listened, I wondered, "Just how much money per year are we talking about here? Are these kids going to have to pony up another $10 thousand, another $20 thousand?"

Finally, after all the big numbers and large percentage gaps, I heard the actual dollar amount of the tuition increase, $2500 (twenty-five hundred dollars). I thought, "OK, $2500 is a lot of money for someone going to school, but it's not even close to future-destroying. It's like $50 a week. It's like an extra two to four hours waiting tables, or if you're really good, an extra one hour."

Then I thought, "Wow, California is going (or has gone) bankrupt and kids can still go to a University for $10 thousand per year! That's pretty amazing. What's up with these students! Have they become so entitled in their attitudes that everything that disrupts that entitlement is evil and insurmountable? God help us if they're the future!"

Well, I probably wasn't thinking that dramatically, but you get the point.

Now here's the kicker. At the end of the report, the reporter played a interview with one of the Regents who said, "These kids are blaming the wrong people; they should be marching in Sacramento, not Berkeley!"

Sigh... so according to the regent, the kids should all go march on the governor's office or the state senate (or whatever they have in California). You've got a basic situation in which there's not enough money to cover expenses; it makes sense that the primary beneficiaries of the services would help cover the gap, and even this regent is buying into the students' sense of entitlement and victimhood.

Cold-hearted Bastard
A friend of mine who recently divorced has subsequently had a rather rocky relationship with his two kids. Both are in college and both blame him for "ruining" their lives by divorcing their mother and "breaking up" their family.

My friend has been doing his best to connect with his kids, but can't seem to find any common ground. For them, he's an uncaring, self-absorbed, cold-hearted bastard who has totally disappointed them and they'll never forgive him.

Now, we're not talking about kids who've been left high and dry with their future on the rocks (like the poor children of California). We're not talking about someone who's run off with all the money, leaving his ex-wife with nothing. We're not talking about someone who's acted vindictively when working through the divorce. In fact, we're talking about someone who has always provided everything that his kids wanted, who has invested lots of time in helping them and working with them, and who has shown amazing patience in trying to reconcile his wants to those of his children.

And yet, his kids, who themselves exhibit incredible powers of self-absorption, are now victims with no sense of ownership in terms of what comes next.

So What?
Lately, through my work with relate to autism, I've been blessed to meet and converse with parents who exhibit the exact opposite of what I've described above: parents who would never say, "but, he never called me back"; parents who after finding all the doors locked, start checking the windows; parents who despite all the naysayers and doubters, display unrelenting faith; parents whom even I would hire!

As I consider the contrast, I think about the pervasiveness of entitled victimhood and wonder if it's increasing or if I'm just more aware of it or if it's just me. My belief is that people who choose not to be entitled victims also empower themselves to choose happiness and to overcome amazing challenges. The solutions to the energy problem, global warming, and other challenges facing our planet are clearly not going to come from the entitled victims at University of California; they're going to come from self-empowered dynamos that own the problem regardless of who or what caused it.

I guess I feel pretty strongly about this whole thing.

What about you? Are you the embodiment of self-empowerment and ownership, or do you occasionally say, "but they never called me back?"

As a boss or coworker, are you inspiring others to show up and be great, or are you letting things slide when people don't own up? As a parent, who are you helping your children to become?

What do you think?

Labels: business, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Over the past couple of days, Iris and I have been inviting different friends to join us for Thanksgiving. For many, it wasn't clear that they could commit to a specific arrival time or specific length of time, so they felt obliged to decline. One friend had a bunch of errands to run on Thanksgiving day, another had to work for some portion of the day, and yet another had concerns about their child and whether or not she would be alright with a large group of people.

In each case, Iris and I made it clear that there was no need to commit to showing up. We just wanted them to know that they were welcome. If they could be there five minutes or five hours, that would be fine. In each case, the other person seemed to relax and say something on the order of, "Oh, just drop by? Sure, that sounds great! I'm not sure exactly when, but I'd love to."

Dropping By
As Iris and I talked this afternoon, we recognized that somehow people have lost the concept of "dropping by". Both of us grew up in environments where friends would simply stop by unannounced; they'd finish eating dinner one evening and say, "Hey, it's been a while since we've seen so-and-so. Let's take a ride over there and see how they're doing!"

As we talked, we realized that we're the only people we know who still "drop by". So we asked ourselves, "Why?"

Is it that we don't like the hit-or-miss aspects of spontaneously driving across town to visit friends who might or might not be available? Is it that we don't like surprise guests? Is it that we anticipate others not liking surprise guests? Is it that we are simply too busy?

Deliciously Casual
For all I know, this might be something unique to my experience, something that I completely fabricated for myself, but there's a certain delicious quality of casually dropping by that seem to escape more formally arranged get-togethers.

As a kid, my mom always told people, 'come-on-by, anytime!' (it was more like 'cummonbaaaaah, eeny taahm') and she really meant it. People would stop by when they were in neighborhood, people would stop by when they were feeling lonely, people would stop by just to share a cup of coffee.

Our house was always open, casual and full of people. People'd stop by for a few minutes in the afternoon and then leave after midnight, or sleep over an leave in the morning. My mom would ask if anyone were hungry and then flip into the kitchen and whip up a meal. If all we had in the house were liver and potatoes, before you knew it we were eating blender-made pate and vichyssoise The kitchen was always wide open to the rest of the house so that she could continue sharing in conversation as she cooked.

Also, with my mom, there was no such thing as incompatible groups of people. If we had guests from completely different contexts who had never met each other before, within a few minutes, she'd have planted a stake directly in the center of their common ground and they'd be off and running on a mutually stimulating conversation.

For me, these casual get-togethers and the very nature of the home that they inspired or that inspired them, are warm and rich memories.

Where's this All Going?
Whenever I start writing a blog article, I'm never quite sure where it will take me; I'm often not certain even as I get to the middle. I just write and see where it will go. It's a kind of "drop-by" approach to writing.

As I'm writing now, I'm realizing that dropping by can be a wonderful metaphor for life. If I want people in my life to drop by, I create a home that is casual, easy and welcoming, one that need not be prepared for guests, but is always in a state of relaxed readiness. I don't feel obliged to do anything or be anyone when friends pop in. It's just a easy, relaxed way to be.

If I want to enjoy dropping by to see others, then I go with my inspiration and see where it takes me not knowing whether or not friends will be home, not knowing if they'll have time, not knowing if I'll be away for one hour or ten; I just go. If one friend isn't home, I just go to the next, and next...

I know for myself, this simply feels good. When I contrast it to the stress that we often feel when preparing for formal (or perhaps simply planned) engagements, it feels really good.

Not only that, but for me, a really cool side-effect of the dropping by approach is the that quality of the experience can be much better than the well-planned, formal experience where we've tried to get everything "perfect".

As a metaphor, I can apply an easy, casual and open drop-by-preparedness to anything that comes into my life. No need to anticipate or fret. No obligation to do anything in particular when something new shows up unannounced. Just a nice way to be.

I can also apply dropping by metaphor to anything in my life I want to try or do: signing up for a course in painting or accounting, heading to the ski mountain, jumping on the train to the city.

What's Your Drop-By Quotient?
So, what about you? Are you someone who drops by to see friends or do you arrange everything ahead of time? Have you created a drop-by-friendly home or do you need time to prepare before people show up?

What about life in general? Have you created a drop-by-friendly existence? Would you prefer one?

What's dropped in lately?

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

A question that has been on my mind lately is, "How can I become more effective at getting answers to my questions and providing relevant answers to other people's questions?"

Statements or Questions?
We are often met by questions that I would call pseudo questions. A pseudo question sounds like a question, but in reality is a statement. We often voice statements as questions, when we think that there might be a disagreement and we want to avoid conflict.

An example of this might be a mother asking her teenage son, "Don't you really think that you need a haircut?"

It sounds like a question, but it's not! The parent believes that her son needs a haircut, but the son likely doesn't believe the same thing.

Pseudo questions are also asked when people want to illustrate a point. When Teflon asked Paul "How many people do you know who mostly play low notes?" (see Generally Speaking ), it's my guess that Teflon was attempting to show Paul that he'd been speaking using generalizations and had no specifics. He wasn't actually interested in hearing Paul's detailed response. He probably didn't even anticipate a response.

Of course, I cannot know what Telfon’s intentions were, but that's my guess.

Non-answers
Yesterday, I asked the twelve-year-old Antonia, "When will you be done with the computer?"

Her answer was (referring to her brother), "He was at the computer for an hour!"

In this case, I finally got an answer to my original question by clarifying that it was OK for her to also be on the computer for an hour and then finding out how long she had been on the computer thus far. I have the feeling that Teflon would call her original answer a not-even-wrong answer.

Now, I didn't know the house rules specifying that each child was allowed thirty minutes on their preferred computer, but Antonia did. When she heard my question, she replied from within her context of knowing the thirty-minute limit. Knowing that her brother had violated the limit, she immediately launched a "not-fair" defense, rather than simply saying, "I'll be done in forty minutes."

In an Option Dialogue we say, "You are never more than two questions away from an "on" question: that is, a non-directive, non-judgmental and helpful question."

So we can usually get back on the road quickly, when we pose a question that doesn't turn out to be particularly useful.

Answering Pseudo Questions
How many times have you heard questions such as:
I don't think it's fair to call these questions! Think of the potential answers:

When we were trained with these kind of questions, we were also trained to look for hidden reasons behind them. Antonia suspected that my hidden agenda was to stop her from playing in ten minutes, so she provided an answer to address my supposed agenda, creating a non-answer to the question that I had posed.

Creating Context
In Winnie the Pooh, each chapter has a title that tells what is going to happen, such as, In Which Piglet Meets a Heffalump. This way we know beforehand where the focus is going to be.

The same can be done with questions!

One way to ask a question that will be answered in a useful way is by stating our wants or intentions clearly before asking the actual question. For example, I might have said to Antonia, "I want to know which game I can play with your brother before he goes on the computer, so when can I expect you to be done?"

Creating a context for my question might have saved a lot of time with Antonia and would have given me a more relevant response.

Trusting Answers
Once we've established a context for our questions, we also need to establish a context for the answer. We want to understand where the other person is coming from and we must plan to trust the answer we get.

With my ex-husband, I gradually learned to clarify my questions and become clearer on what I wanted to know, but he would still respond with "not-even-wrong" answers!

My ex-husband was raised in a family where it was important to tell the women what they wanted to hear! So, when I would ask, "when will you be home tonight", he would assume I that didn't want him working overtime and he would tell me that he'd be home early.

I soon learned that the answer to my question bore no resemblance to the actual time he would show up. So I would start asking questions like, "I would like to plan what to do after work. My preference is to have an early dinner, but it all depends on when you'll be home. I can start cooking as soon as I come home or I might first go for a run. What time do you expect to come home?"

It worked, sometimes!

Sometimes I would call him after my run and he would say, "I'll be home in twenty minutes".

My experience was that this could mean a lot of things. His drive from work took around twenty minutes. So, I would ask, "Where are you?"

When the answer was "in the office", I would know he likely would be answering a few more emails, and making a few phone calls before heading home. I would only trust the twenty minutes when he was actually walking to the car when I called. If he were already on the road, I would clarify where he was and make my own time estimation.

Long term, this was not the way to go; I gradually trained him that I did not trust him.

So, in some cases, creating context can be useful, but not if you plan on not trusting the answer before you pose the question.

Clarify
Marshall Rosenberg suggests in his book on non-violent communication that it is very useful to rephrase a statement in your own words, e.g., "What I hear you saying is... Is that what you are saying?"

We could do the same with questions, "What I hear you asking me is... Is that correct?"

Rule of thumb: Make sure that you understand the question before answering!

My sister, usually very clear in her communication, posed me some questions today.

Question 1: "Joy, will you help me?"

I am usually pretty helpful, but I do like to know what I am getting myself into. So my answer was a clarifying question, "What do you want me to help you with?"

Question 2: "Could you check if the link works?"

This required a few questions and qualifiers of my own to answer her meaningfully. I responded, "Do you mean the link that you posted on Facebook? It takes me to a site with a list of candidates. It takes me to the top of the site, but not to the specific candidate you want me to vote for. If this is the link you are referring to and that is the place you want to link to, then yes, it does work. If not..."

With all this clarification, I see myself as helpful when I answer a question, but I know that some people see me as someone who likes to make things complicated!

So What?
In the end, I think we can all become better askers and better answerers by following a few rules of thumb.

1. If you want an actual answer, don't mask statements as questions
2. If someone asks you a pseudo question, say, "Hey, that sounds more like a statement than a question. Is there something you'd like to say?"
3. Before asking a question, make sure that you've established a context for it
4. If you're not going to trust the answer anyway, then don't ask the question
5. Before answering, make sure you actually understand the question
   

What do you do to get good answers to your questions? How do you make sure that you yourself are providing good answers?

Labels: all blogs, joy vigh strand, philosophy, questions

...keep your partner.

Over the last couple of days I've had the most delightful experience with a multifaceted, multi-threaded mishmash of discussions that began with Sree's comment on my article Drowning the Lifeguard. I'm not sure if the discussion threads better resemble bouillabaisse or dim-Sum, but we've certainly created a Stone Soup of thoughts, beliefs and experiences.

In a response to Benevolent Warrior's thoughts on relationships, Joy wrote:

"I see stating your own wants, expressing your feelings and asking others about their reasons for their behaviors as the only way I can create - or maintain - a relationship with someone.

Without this I can merely create a relationship with an impostor, the image I have created of a given person."

As I considered this, it occurred to me that, whether or not we're clear on someone's intentions, whether or not we ask them questions about their motivations, behaviors or beliefs, all we ever have is a relationship with the impostor, the person we've created based on our beliefs and perceptions.

Given that each relationship is with the person we perceive, not with the person per se, then sometimes the most useful course of action might be to end the relationship by completely discarding one impostor and creating another. It's kind of like the grass-is-always-greener phenomenon, except with one field and two fences. Rather than trying to get to the other side of the fence, we simply change the fence to get a different perspective.

Thank you, Joy! That one has a lot of potential for me.

A Rose by Any Other Name
Another thread that I've really enjoyed exploring with Sree has centered on the words we use to contrast actions, beliefs, thoughts and situations, e.g., good/bad, right/wrong, constructive/destructive, useful/not useful, evil/good, and so on. The words that we choose to contrast a thing can have a pronounced effect on how we perceive the thing. In theory, when we use "loaded" words, words that have judgments associated with them, we engender drama and emotion; when we use "judgment free" words, we engender objectivity and clarity.

In this particular discussion, we focused on the characterization of activities that seem contrary to our goals and desires, activities that might be called "self-destructive" or "counter-productive". Sree points out:

"Actions or behaviors that we may call negative are being done by somebody for a reason. They are getting something out of it; the real question to ask them is whether it's also what they want long-term, or whether they realize they are also getting something they don't want."

Indeed, even when we act in a manner that seems counter-productive or self-destructive, we're doing it for "good" reasons in order to take care of ourselves. When our actions and wants are not aligned, then we have one of three situations: our stated wants are not are actual wants; our stated wants are in conflict with other, unstated wants; or, we're inept at getting what we want. The biggest winner here might be the conflict between the near-term, feels-good want (eating the last piece of cake), and the longterm want (losing weight).

Backing Your Way through Life
Pointing out that the more useful discussion might focus on process rather than terminology, Sree wrote:

"How about 'positive' as moving towards something that I want, and 'negative' as pushing away from something that I don't want?"

I think Sree's proposed model is wonderfully practical; whenever we find ourselves feeling "conflicted", we can look at our actions and motivations and characterize each as either moving away from what we don't want, or, moving towards what we do want. Since moving away from what we don't want is somewhat like walking backwards through life, we might take each moving-away-from action and recast it in terms of what we're moving towards.

For example, losing weight is a moving-away-from activity that we might recast as being in great shape, or, wearing that slinky new black t-shirt.

Playing Not to Lose
In another thread (same blog), Benevolent Warrior (BW) wrote:

"What I sense is none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, so dive in with today's relationships....rather than possibly have regrets?"

"Personally, in my past marriage of over 30 years, if I hadn't persevered and [if I] gave up earlier, because it was difficult, out of laziness, or fear... I know down the road I might have felt, 'Gosh if only I hadn't given up.'"

Isn't it amazing how differently we all see things! From one perspective, I see the practical aspects of BW's line of reasoning; nothing in life is guaranteed, so better to stay with what you know than to venture into the unknown. Whether or not we chose to admit it, I believe that this is the primary MO for many of us (and not just in relationships).

One the other hand, as I read BW's comment, I thought to myself, "Geez, the last thing I would ever want is for someone to be with me because they're persevering to keep the relationship or they're uncertain about what not having the relationship might mean!"

For me the logic is based on fear (fear of loss, fear of regret, fear of not being able to do any better) or judgment (you should persevere and work hard to keep your relationship). Although many us daily ride this train of thought, for me it feels like a terrible way to approach relationships.

Isn't it cool how differently we see things!

So What?
First of all, thank you Sree, Joy and BW for offering such diverse and thought-provoking perspective. It's amazing how many places we can visit in such a short time.

Second, my take-aways so far are:

1. Relationship is in the eye of the beholder.
2. Ask myself, do I want to back my way through life, or run headlong into it?
3. Playing to win is no more risky than playing not to lose!

Have an amazing Wednesday!

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

This is the subtitle of our Adventures in Happiness book and it is so appropriate. Anything you experience can be explained in a thousand different ways. And it is up to you to decide which explanation you choose. Some people do not believe they choose the way they look at things, they think certain things are ingrained in our species and cannot be changed. Others believe they have some control over how they think about things, but not everything is up for questioning. Then there are also people like me, people who believe that everything is make-up, and so can be looked at and questioned at any time.

Daily, there are millions of instances that I do things a certain way, because I have been doing them that way forever! Sometimes, it suddenly doesn't give me the results that I expect or want. In these moments I like to experiment by questioning my beliefs and trying something else. These experiences seem to help me make big leaps in my development towards happiness. Here an example:

One of my little playroom friends has found a new way of interacting with others. He found out what babies find out early in live: when you cry things happen! So he cries... Sometimes he cries from the beginning of the playroom session to the end of the session, other moments he is crying from the moment he wants something he doesn’t get, and there are times he even seems to cry to get things done from people not in the room. The challenge with this is that he does not explain to us why he is crying in that instant. We do not know if it has to do with any of the reasons above or that it is because of something totally unrelated.

Yesterday morning halfway the session, this little man started to cry after his dad had come into the room to bring him some breathing medication. I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. He ignored me and started walking through the room while the tears ran freely over his face and his crying sounds came in rhythmic spurts. As I have done in earlier sessions before, I told him in a soft voice that I would go sit in the corner and that when he was ready to talk or interact with me I would be there for him.

I settled myself comfortable in the corner and watched my friend pace through the room. I felt totally comfortable and loving of him. I believed he was taking care of himself and that he knew how to get to me when needed. Every time he walked by his big teary brown eyes would look at me for an instant, and every time he looked a little longer. When he noticed that I didn't change my demeanor and was just enjoying being there with him he started to give me crying hugs and he ended up crying in my lap.

This is when something very interesting happened. He told me with words; "I will stop crying", "I will stop crying". As a mentor I immediately asked myself? Why is it that you tell yourself to stop crying? And so, I asked him: “how come?” He didn't answer. While we were rocking slowly back and forth I told my friend: "you don't have to stop crying for me. I want you to do what feels good for you." He answered me with a long crying "whawhawhawha wha" while looking in my eyes. I told him that I didn't understand what he had said, but that I felt honored that he wanted to share this with me. I also told him: "I love you. We all love you. Your daddy, your mommy, your sister, your playroom friends, we all love you no matter if you are crying or not."

David stayed in my lap and cried for maybe another ten minutes. Then he stopped, climbed out of my lap and started to play a very connected game with me in the playroom. We talked about Ratatouille (I brought in two little toy rats) and the cat that was catching the rats by their tails. The cat (moved by David) would get closer and closer to the rat and I would jell "run, run, the cat is coming"... His shining eyes and his words living proof of how we connected in that instant.

There were other things I explained David during this session at moments he was not crying. I explained him again about him having choices in any situation. The choice to cry or not to cry. The choice to use words or no words. The choice to want to connect with someone or not. The choice to want to explain what is going on for him or not. I told him that I would be in the room for two hours and would love an adore him and I told him who would be in the room after me to love and adore him. I gave his as much information as possible so could make informed decisions about how long he wanted to cry, how long he wanted to skip the bathroom, how long he wanted to play, etcetera.

On my way home I still was enjoying the connection I felt with this wonderful child. And I thought about general beliefs around crying. How would we be different if we would believe at all times that tearing and crying is not bad and has nothing to do with happy or unhappy? What if it is nothing more than a physical response deeply related to beliefs, and so this is the place to embrace the person with an open mind and ask question to help the person become aware of their beliefs?

I also was celebrating the things my friend is learning at this point. To learn that we have choices at all times and that we have the power to decide when we do what, is something that lots of people learn only later in life.

For me, I learned that my happiness does help other people to relate with me. It changes me in an open door through which music happily dances into the outside air. It is enchanting and wonderful for people who are open to hear and see it...

Labels: all blogs, crying, iris tuomenoksa, son-rise

Surprise!

Some of you have known for  a little while, but this is a surprise for most of you: over the last six weeks we (Mark Kaufman, Teflon and I) have been working quietly and persistently on publishing the first A New Option Blog book called Adventures in Happiness. This week I sent the book to the printer for publishing, and we will receive the copies in the next two weeks. We are so exited about this book. It has kept us up working at night; it has given us lots of extra phone calls and discussions; it has given us many new ideas. We hope you will enjoy reading this book as much as we have enjoyed creating it for you.

See below the first glimpse of the cover and the read text we printed at the back of the cover.

About Adventures in Happiness
Adventures in Happiness is a collection of inspirational and educational articles written for the A New Option blog during 2009.

The articles represent the thoughts, ideas and questions of twelve diverse authors (Barbara Balla, Jeannene Christie, Faith Clarke, Kathy DeCastro, Brian Ellis, Rita Gendelman, Mark Kaufman, Chris Kisling, Julie Sando, Iris Tuomenoksa, Mark Tuomenoksa and Joy Vigh Strand) who were drawn together by a common interest in a philosophy that had touched each of their lives, a philosophy taught at The Option Institute and Autism Treatment Center of America. The authors each believe that they are in control of their happiness and that what has been doesn't necessarily dictate what will be.

Grateful for the life-changing, happiness-fueling effect of this philosophy, the authors wanted to share their experiences in the hope that their experiences might inspire others to create greater joy and happiness in their lives. This eclectic mix of parents of special needs children, business entrepreneurs, life coaches and autism professionals has created a special blend of real-life stores, easy wisdom and loving inspiration that can be useful to anyone who wants a happier, healthier and more empowered life.

Sale starts today
The sale for this book starts today. Isn't this exciting! This book is the perfect gift to help spread happiness through the world!

Have you been enjoying the articles on this blog? Have you shared and discussed the articles with others? What about sharing this book with more than 300 pages of inspirational writings with your loved ones, colleagues, or neighbors?

Almost half of the printed books are already reserved, so if you want to get your hands on a copy, I recommend you to act quickly! At the time of this post, we only had 80 copies left.

If you're Interested, please click here... to reserve your copy right now!

Have a great, great Thursday!

Labels: adventures in happiness

As Iris and I talked over the weekend, we were both taken with how much each of us has managed to change over the years. Not just over the years that we've been together, but over our lifetimes. I'm clearly not the person I was at twenty, nor at fifty. In other ways, I'm more the person I was at twenty than at forty. There's a kind of ebb and flow to my development.

As we talked, it occurred to me that this is probably the case with many people I've known over the years. Although they may be captured in my mind as a snapshot of who they were when I knew them, they've probably changed quite significantly. Yet, I carry around this picture that may in no way reflect who they are today.

Then it occurred to me that this may be the case for people whom I see every day! Over time, I've formed a picture in my mind of who they are. At some point, my picture starts displacing the actual person; it becomes a filtered lens through which I see him.

For example, let's say you first get to know someone when she's going through a breakup with her boyfriend. She may be frequently sad or angry or depressed. She may talk incessantly or not at all. She may may be constantly seeking advice or not listening to anyone. Whatever the combination, you would form a picture of who she was based on the combination of moods, words and deeds. And, to some degree, the picture would stick forming a filter through which you would continue to see her, even after the breakup became an distant memory.

If you were the only person with whom your friend had shared her woes, then each time she walked into a room, you would see a completely different person than everyone else. Years could pass and she could altogether reinvent herself, and still you might continue to see the crying, depressed person who didn't know what to do, or the angry, vengeful person who wouldn't listen to any one.

Different Foot, Different River
Over the years, I've often wondered if people ever really change; I've written about people who, despite stated intentions, never seem to be any different. As I reconnect on Facebook with people I knew growing up (as an evangelical Christian in a staunchly conservative mid-western town), I see plenty of evidence for this (from my existentialist perspective living in the bastion of liberal thought) as my old friends talk about praying for George Bush.

Even if I do my best to remove my filters, it sure looks like not a lot has changed. And yet, I wonder.

You've probably heard the phrase, "You can't put your foot in the same river twice."

The phrase serves to remind us that, even when everything seems the same, everything has in fact changed. The river into which we placed our foot the last time is long gone.

The thought that came to me this morning is that it's not just the river that changes. The phrase might become even more useful as a reminder if we were to say, "You can't put the same foot in the same river twice."

Not only is the river long gone, but so is the foot. In fact, everything is constantly changing.

So, if everything is constantly changing, why does it so often seem that some people never change? Clearly we have our filters (our snapshots) that serve to keep people the same (from our perspective) no matter what they do. However, we also tend to conform to what people expect us to be; we comply with the filter.

Have you ever reunited with friends from years past? Did you notice that there was a tendency to take on the roles that each of you had when you were last together? Were you called by nicknames that you hadn't heard in years. Did you reminisce over stories that you'd long forgotten? Did you talk about topics that no longer interested you? Did you find yourself in one way or another reliving who you were at that time, becoming the person people expected you to be?

Filters are much more powerful than I first thought. Not only do they shape what we see, they shape us.

Lens Cleaners
As we prepare for the holiday season, pulling winter clothing, storm windows and holiday decorations out of storage, one of the boxes that each of us opens contains a bunch of dusty old filters for the people we anticipate seeing at family gatherings and other reunions. Indeed, others are opening boxes of filters for each of us.

Even though all the rivers and all the feet have completely changed, we choreograph the dance of reconstructing foot and river alike, all without really thinking much about the process.

So, I was thinking that this might be a great year in which to clean our lenses along with the holiday crystal. A couple of things that come to mind are:

1. Immediately start practicing seeing the people around you without filters. You can do this at work or at home or at school. Take a moment with each person and actually look at their faces. Notice things about them that you haven't noticed. Listen to the texture and character of their voice. See them as though you know nothing about them.
   
2. Try on some happy filters when looking at people with whom you often use unhappy filters. Actively look for the things you really like in the people around you. Make those things bigger.
3. Set an intention each morning to be clear on who you are and what you think with the people around you. If there's something you really want to eat for dinner or want to watch on TV, don't say, "Whatever you want is fine with me." If there's something on your mind, say it. If there's something that no longer interests you, don't simply endure the conversation; let the other person know. They may also no longer be interested.
   
4. When getting together with people whom you haven't seen in a while, start your time together by saying, "Hey, I've been thinking about it and I don't have a clue as to who you are nowadays. Every time we get together, it's as though we've stepped into a time machine. I want to know who you are now and I'd love for you to know who I am now."

I'm intrigued by how doing things like this might completely transform our holiday experiences, especially at family gatherings. Imagine sitting at Thanksgiving and finding out that everyone (including your mom) hates eating turkey and would prefer fondue or barbecued ribs.

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

Labels: iris tuomenoksa, philosophy, thanksgiving

written by Barbara Balla

It is so easy to go with the thousands of thoughts that race through our minds and get distracted all the time. It is also easy to go with the negative thoughts and get caught up in them.

Sometimes I catch myself  being distracted with my worries. In these moments I want to look closer at the thing I am worrying about, because, "I'd better worry well to solve it!" But it definitely does not help. From worrying I just get in a spiral of negative thoughts inviting negative beliefs, and I go deeper and deeper into my worrying.

Well, I figured out this isn't the way that takes me to happiness!

Focussing on my wants
So my new strategy, which works very nicely, is: focusing on what I want, identifying the beliefs that are in the way of believing that I can get what I want and gathering evidence of why I can have it. This process surely feels so much better. And knowing the wonderful Option philosophy: wanting things is very different from needing things. It's so much easier to go for what I want when I don’t attach negative emotions and outcomes to it.

Strengthen our beliefs
When I was a volunteer at the Option Institute we were taught to gather evidence to strengthen our new beliefs. I didn’t really see the huge benefit of doing this. I was thinking once I changed a belief it should stick and I should (of course I should - it was one of my most used words back then) be able to use it all the time!

Since then I have realized strengthening a new belief is so important.

I understand that we use a belief over and over again every day, and that a belief has lots of situations connected to it. It created such a well-traveled path in my brain, than the belief can drive its little car without a driver. The wheels of the car made deep tire treads in the road, so even a big wind can't divert it.

Its up to me to help my new belief take this road and settle into the tire marks, so it can take the road by itself.

My way of doing it
Every time a situation arises where I use my old belief, I stop and think about how I would like to feel in this situation. I think about what I really want and remember my new belief that gets me there, and then I look for evidence that supports my new belief.

The more I consciously stop and replace the old belief with the new one, and support it with evidence, the easier it gets not to go back to the old belief. I used to be discouraged when I used an old belief and I would get myself unhappy, just to help myself to even deeper unhappiness. I would really discourage and judge myself. Knowing that it takes time and conscious effort to strengthen the new belief helps me now to have fun with it and be easy with myself.

Focussing on my wants
When I focus on the difficulties of my wants I totally loose sight of my wants and start engaging beliefs that are stop me from doing what I want. But when I focus directly on my wants, and pay no attention to the difficulties, I seem to fly towards my want.

Lately I have just been going for my wants. When things come up along the way, it is so much easier to solve these challenges because I am easy with myself and have fun with the challenges. They actually stop being challenges and become training opportunities. I training my new beliefs and I can quickly go back to focusing on my wants.

Challenges are fun
So how do I create fun with the challenges: by treating them as friends, who help me grow stronger in my happiness. I can say hi to them, welcome them into my life, offer them a cup of tea and playfully figure out how we can depart with love. Also I can tell them how much I appreciate them for helping me and actually I don’t need them any more.

Wow, the world is such a wonderful place with all these different friends (the challenges) in it, who help us grow!

Thank you, my lovely challenge buddies!

Labels: all blogs, barbara balla, philosophy

Last Sunday, before returning home from Luke's and Sarah's wedding, Iris and I sat in the bagel shop in Porter Square drinking coffee, eating actual bagels (not the bagel shaped bread substance that we have here in the Berkshires) and playing with our Macs (Iris importing photos from the wedding and me writing a blog article). As we sat there, one of the guys who lives across the street in the park above the Porter Square T Station wondered in, got himself a cup of coffee, sat next to Iris, and then proceeded to talk to her for the next ninety minutes.

Iris listened intently and asked questions as this man talked about everything from having gone to prison to transforming himself and his life. As he talked, it occurred to me that he probably rarely if ever had someone who would listen to him as intently and lovingly as Iris. The more Iris listened, the more he talked. An hour and a half later, we needed to get going in order to get back in time for one of Iris' playroom sessions. So, we left. However, I think had we not left, the man might have talked and talked and talked.

A Day Later
The next day, I sent emails to a bunch of people (my dad included) making sure that they knew they were welcome to join Iris and me for Thanksgiving at our place. I mentioned that, if they'd already made plans with others, they were welcome to bring the others as well.

My dad, in an effort to encourage others to join us, sent emails to several family members imploring them to join us so that "he could spend one last Thanksgiving with everyone before he dies."

The Day After That
The next day, I was speaking with a buddy who recently broke up with his girlfriend. Over the last few years, they'd had a rather stormy and passionate relationship. Recently, he'd decided to stop taking things personally, accept his girlfriend for who she was, and really put himself into the relationship without qualification. Amazingly and impressively, he'd really done it.

The crazy thing is that the more he accepted her, the less he took things personally, and the more he simply rolled with things without reacting, the more she would do things to challenge his acceptance of her. It's almost as though she were afraid to accept his acceptance of her.

Drowning the Lifeguard
What do these three little vignettes have in common? In each case, someone is hanging on so tightly to what they want that they are doing the very things that would preclude their getting or keeping it.

The man in the bagel shop wants so desperately for someone to hear him and to know him that he approaches anyone who will listen like a starving refugee suddenly presented with one last meal. He talks so incessantly that people begin to avoid him. The more he talks...

My dad wants so much to have his family together for Thanksgiving that he uses morbid references and guilt to achieve his goals. Both are such turn-offs that even people who love him would really prefer nor share joyous and celebratory occasion with someone set on guilt and morbidity.

My buddy's girlfriend wants so desperately to be accepted and loved unconditionally, that she questions and doubts every overture from someone who truly accepts and loves here; the more he accepts her, the more she does things to drive him away.

Each person exhibits a kind of relationship death-wish. Any time someone comes along who might help fulfill what they so deeply desire, their fears get the best of them and they drown the the lifeguard.

Squeezing Jell-o
At one time or another, each of has drowned the lifeguard.

It occurs when we start hanging on too tightly, start taking things too seriously, start making things too important, when we let reaching the goal completely overwhelm enjoying the journey. It's a bizarre phenomenon where the tighter we hang on to the outcome, the more we do things that undermine our achieving it. It's like squeezing our fingers tightly around a lump of jell-o to avoid dropping it.

Are there places in your life where perhaps you're drowning the lifeguard? They're not always easy to see; however, if you pay attention, you can spot them. Here are some key indicators:

• People avert their eyes when you walk into the room or look about furtively as you speak with them at a party
• You've told the same story to someone for the fifth time today
  
• Despite your best intentions, you find that the majority of things that come out of your mouth are complaints or concerns or negative comments
• You've started to get angry at or resentful of people you love because they don't pick up after themselves or they don't put the cap back on the toothpaste
• You consistently look to others to help you overcome fears and insecurities
• Your partner or your kids or your colleagues glaze over or ignore you or get angry when you bring up your concerns about them or your mutual situation or what's wrong with the world

Save Yourself!
If you have been drowning lifeguards in your life, the solution is simple albeit perhaps not easy: breathe and let go! I'm not talking about becoming non-caring or apathetic. Keep you passion! However, let go of the outcome.

If just doing it seems too difficult, then it might be useful to find someone with whom you can Dialogue in order to get to the root of your fears and concerns. You might find that many of your lifeguard-drowning, jell-o-squeezing activities stem from just one core belief!

Negativity-free Diet
Alternatively, you can take the diet approach. Spend a week where you say nothing negative, listen to nothing negative, and take no actions based on negative beliefs (fear, doubt, insecurity). Don't worry about changing the thoughts and beliefs; just take action! The thoughts and beliefs will follow.

To make your diet most effective, enlist the aid of the people around you. Let them know your intention: a week of positively-charged word and deed. Ask them to contribute by limiting themselves to positive actions and discussion and by calling you on it whenever you lapse.

Go to the bank and get one-hundred dollar bills. Let everyone (including your kids) know that, whenever you lapse into negative word or deed, you'll give them a dollar. Depending on your situation, you may want to make it two-hundred dollar-bills.

Each time you catch yourself or someone catches you, don't sweat it, just stop, or, flip it into something positive. For example, if you see a piece of trash dancing down the street in the wind, rather than complaining about it or thinking "what the hell", chase it down and toss it into a trash can.

For You Lifeguards
If you're a lifeguard avoiding drowning, then it might be time to stop averting your eyes or sidestepping the drowner and simply point out, "Hey, have you ever noticed how, whenever you... that people...."

Even though we often avoid saying things like this to avoid "hurting someone's feelings", in fact we're really doing it for our own comfort. It doesn't help someone with a booger hanging from their nose to look the other way and not tell them about it.

As for me, I'm going to write my dad an email inviting him to abandon his strategy of morbidity and guilt.

Happy swimming!

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, parenting, philosophy, relationships

As an occupational theapist, I have been working with special needs children, especially children with autism, for the past 7 years. A large part of my treatment is geared toward helping parents gain a deeper understanding of how to help their child. During this process of training the parents I am very often confronted with questions such as "Why do you think Autism exists? What is the root of the problem? What is the best way to help my child?" I always say the answer to this question is as diverse as the number of practitioners working with children on the spectrum. However, I do hold a perspective that allows my personality and a piece of my soul to express itself as I work with each precious child.

Much research has been done in an attempt to understand the root causes of autism. Thus far no concrete results have been found to explain this phenomenon. My perspective is two fold, which binds the spiritual and the physical realm of understanding on how to best approach a child with autism. When speaking about spiritual awareness and autism I am referring to an unconditional love and total perfection for the human soul. Secondly, when working with these children, I place a lot of emphasis on the crucial role the physical body plays in our development as human beings. I would like to share an excerpt from a book called "The Soul of Autism" by William Stillman, which further defines the importance of combing the spiritual and physical realms when putting the pieces together in relationship to these special children.

"In this particular passage, my dear friend Michael, then 15 years old, discusses his perception of being in the world as an autistic, what he defines as a whole soul being in a broken body as opposed to the commonest incarnation- a broken soul, in a whole body." Page 29

The above passage perfectly underlines the perspective I hold when working with autistic children. The notion of "A whole soul" allows me to see the perfection of the child and sets forth the possibility of a deep and loving relationship in the present as well as for the future, which we will both create. Furthermore, this attitude allows me to see the child as a direct contributor to his own growth and evolution.

Now I would like to say a few words about the physical reality, which is our bodies, and its relationship to children with autism. When the body is not synchronized with the functions of the brain and there is no damage to the neurological structure present, the resulting factor is children who exhibit the behavior we have come to know as autism.
The child’s inability to relate to the body and use it efficiently and effectively becomes an underlying factor that deeply influences all other areas of development. Here is an excerpt from a book called "Smart Moves" by Carla Hannaford who further explains the importance of the brain-body connection in relationship to our function as human beings.

"Thinking and learning is not all in our head. On the contrary, the body plays an integral part in all our intellectual processes from our earliest moments in utero right through to old age. It is our body’s senses that feed the brain environmental information with which to form an understanding of the world and from which to draw when creating new possibilities. And it is our movements that not only express knowledge and facilitate greater cognitive function, they actually grow the brain as they increase complexity. Our entire brain structure is intimately connected to and grown by the movement mechanisms within our body." (Pages 15-16)

We all have our own understanding of how to best help our children. I have shared my own way and continue to gain a deeper understanding every moment that I spend with an autistic child on the best way I can nurture the human soul, which is the essence of an autistic child, who wants to fully experience the sensation of a physical world.

Labels: all blogs, autism, rita gendelman

Yesterday, we spent a delicious evening with two sweet couples (Kat and Alexander, and Carolina and John) whom we've grown to adore and cherish. We ate, we talked, we sang. It was wonderful.

One of the factors that made the evening so rich and warm was the diversity of experience and perspective that we together represented. For example, Alexander routinely practices meditation. He regularly experiences and enthusiastically touts its benefits. I, on the other hand, never meditate, or at least not in the sense that Alexander does.

Alexander did his best to explain how I really should try meditation. As he explained, I would fairly consistently interrupt him to clarify what he was saying before allowing him to proceed. For example, at one point he mentioned how kinetic energy causes stress. I stopped him to make sure that he really meant kinetic energy (energy being spent), or if he meant potential energy (unspent energy being built up). If he meant the former, then I had no idea what he was talking about; if he meant the latter, then I was tracking pretty well.

As our start-stop-start-stop discussion proceeded, we would often get sidetracked by my interruptions as others jumped in to discuss my question, not the the benefits of meditation. Occasionally Alexander would remark about my having corrected him.

The brief sidetracks often became full-blown detours, complete discussions in their own right. Yet, we always managed to return to the original thread and Alexander would patiently pick up where we'd left off. I found the whole experience fascinating. In addition to learning about meditation, I learned a lot about each of my friends and about myself.

Right Brain, Left Brain
I grew up a right-brained kid with a left-brained father and a left-brained brother. I was the emotional, intuitive, creative one; my brother was the rational, logical, structured one. Although he was two years behind me, I couldn't get into the calculus class that my brother Dave taught in high school.

I remember standing in the garage with my dad and Dave as we worked on the car. Diagnosing what was wrong with the car, dad and Dave would speak expertly about different potential causes of the problem using precise terminology for each component and potential malady. I on the other hand would guess based on my experiences having no idea what this or that was called. For example, I might smell an excess of gasoline and then remove the air filter to get to the carburetor to prop open the air intake, but I wouldn't have had a clue as to what any of those things were called or why it helped start the car.

Often, when I would join in the discussion offering my hypothesis of what the problem was, my dad and Dave would look at each other, roll their eyes and laugh. And for some reason, I would lose interest in working on the car.

Switching Sides
As a result of circumstances and activities that I've described in other articles, people who meet me today are surprised to hear that I was ever a right-brained person. I've really got the left-brained thing down. I can do math, I can approach situations logically and methodically, I've even been accused of never showing emotion.

I tend to see myself as ambidextrous; if I'm working on marketing materials or playing music, I operate more from the right. If I'm trying to understand something new, I tend towards the left.

Last night, as I listened to Alexander, I was in left-brain mode. When I'm in left brain mode, I listen with precision, I catalog everything that's said, and I build a mental framework from which to reference it. This approach works really well for me. It let's me simultaneously maintain many discussion threads that may go far afield from one another; regardless of how far afield we go, I can always return to any one thread right where we veered off.

However, if I'm listening to a right-brained person, it doesn't always work so well for them. They often take my seeking clarification as a rudely interrupting them or getting off point or correcting them or making fun of them. Not everyone is as sweet-natured and patient as Alexander, so the responses I sometimes get can get emotional, even hostile.

As we talked, Kat (who is the perfect left-brain complement of Alexander) looked at me and said something on the order of, "Don't worry about understanding everything Alexander is saying in the moment. Just sit back and take it all in."

So I did.

Kat's really smart.

All this got me to thinking this morning on how to bridge the right-left gap. I came up with some thoughts that may help right-brained people better communicate to their left-brained partners, friends and colleagues, and left-brained people better listen to their right-brained counterparts. (If you're a left-brained type, you probably noticed that I've only listed two of four potential pairings). Relax!

Speaking to a Left-brained Person
If you're a creative, emotional, intuitive right-brained type who wants to be understood and respected by the left-brained world, here are some thoughts that might make your life easier.

1. Never use words, examples, references or analogies that you don't fully understand. Nothing discredits you with a left-brained person faster than malapropisms, confused references, or misquoted facts.
2. Speak without using adverbs or adjectives, especially superlatives. In the moment, simply forget that words such as awesome, really, amazing, biggest, most, least, worst, every and any exist.
3. Don't justify or support your beliefs using scientific, statistical or technological references. Nothing gets the eyes rolling or the feet moving faster out the door than a misappropriated or seemingly fabricated reference. I've heard right-brainers who were trying to prop up their beliefs make completely ludicrous statements such as the juxtaposition of quantum mechanics and the industrial revolution, or something being "at least an order of magnitude greater, like 30%."
   
   Better yet, just avoid justification all together. Simply say what you think.
4. Before you try to make a point, stop, breathe and decide what the point is that you want to make. Then, before explaining it or building up to it, say what the point is. When your left-brained partner knows where you're going, he or she will have a much easier time following you.
   

Listening to a Right-brained Person
If you're a down-to-business, structured and organized, mathematically inclined left-brained person, you might better enjoy and learn from conversations with your right-brained friends by adopting some of the following practices.

1. Don't worry about the destination (i.e., what the point is), just sit back and enjoy the ride. There may be no point other than talking.
   
2. If there seems to be a bunch of steps missing as your friend proceeds from one point to the next, wait until he reaches a point of relative repose in the conversation before asking about them, or perhaps better, use your left-brain powers to maintain an inventory of questions that you can ask her after she finishes. If after hearing it all, the questions are still meaningful, ask them.
3. Clarify through active listening (reflecting back in your own words what you think was said), rather than open ended questions. For example, you might say, "What I think I hear you saying is thus-and-such. Is that correct?", rather than saying, "What are you trying to say?" in which case the comma-the-hell following 'what' is implied.
4. Avoid activities such as smirking, laughing, rolling your eyes, sighing or saying things like, "Do you have any clue as to what you're talking about?"

Common Ground
Of course, these are just things I thought of this morning. I imagine that you can come up with many more. Probably the best thing to do (whether you're left- or right-brained) is to make your priority loving and enjoying the company of the other person first, understanding them second, and getting them to understand you third.

Happy communicating!

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

I have been curious about the value of anticipation lately. It is something we have used for years in the playroom with David. We learned early in our Son Rise Program journey that we could grab David's attention for a few extra seconds if we built anticipation into the game. It was wonderful to see his beautiful brown eyes sparkle with sheer delight while he waited for the tickle monster to leap onto his belly and run behind his neck.

I now look at my words of "building anticipation into the game" and realize that this is impossible. David is the only one who can create anticipation in the game. It is his belief that something amazing will happen that results in his anticipating it. Our role is to believe that what we have to offer is worth anticiapting.

What I find most interesting is that anticipation is about the unknown. It is the excitement about what could be. The belief that whatever is coming will be wonderful, amazing, and most importantly, fun! So...... at what point in our lives did the unknown begin to inspire fear instead of anticipation?

I am fascinated by thinking about all the ways my life would be different if I greeted every moment of every day with anticipation. Always believing that something amazing will happen and that everything in life is worth anticipating. How would I change if I belived that everything I have to offer the world is worth anticipating? How would you?

Love to all,
Kathy

Labels: actions, beliefs, faith clarke

The last few days have been amazing. My son Luke and his girlfriend Sarah were married in a ceremony in Boston that brought together friends and family from all over in a celebration of joy and gratitude. The entire experience was sheer delight.

In preparation for the event, I spent Thursday evening scouring through old photos, scanning and retouching the ones that I wanted, and then printing everything to create a book that presented Luke from the day he was born to just a few weeks ago. Iris and our friend Jeanette helped me to them in an album that we presented to the bride and groom at their rehearsal dinner.

Last night, as Iris and I drove home from the reception, after having put together the photo history of Luke, and after seeing all three of my kids together as real, live adult human beings, I was overwhelmed with a sense of joy and gratitude for who each of them had become.
During the festivities, many people came up to me to comment on how wonderful my kids were and how I must have done something really special in raising them. As I thought about it, I concluded, "No, they really did it themselves."

And then it struck me. As much as I'd like to take credit for who they've become, in the end, the biggest contributor to their personal development has been each of them. Joy, Eila and Luke have developed into three distinctly different and delightful people with distinctly different sets of beliefs, attitudes and commensurate responses to situations around them.

As parents, we can house, feed and care for our kids. We can create opportunities for them to experience the world and learn. We can help them through different challenges and situations. But in the end, they're the ones who choose who they become and how they experience their worlds.

Easy for You to Say
Of course, I didn't always have this perspective. As the kids were growing up, when in the midst of one crisis or another, one developmental challenge or another, I was pretty much like what I imagine most parents to be; I would try to figure out how to "fix" it. I felt it incumbent upon me to come up with the solution, to save my kids from the inevitable challenges they would face were I not to intervene.

As I took in the Option philosophy, I slowly dropped my "got-to-fix-things" perspective and started letting my kids make their own choices and work their way through the consequences of those choices. There were times that I felt like intervening ("felt like" might be an understatement), but in the end, having the perspective of having seen things play out, I'm convinced that each of knows what is best for us, even kids.

How to Non-Parent Your Children
So, based on all this, there are definitely some attitudes towards child-rearing that I adopted as my kids grew older that, were I to do this all again, I would have adopted from the beginning.

1. It's all going to be OK.
If you change nothing else in your attitude about raising your kids, change this. Simply by putting yourself in to the mindset of everything is going to be fine, can change everything for both you and for them.

When we worry about our kids, whether or not they'll catch the swine flu, whether or not they'll emerge from Autism, whether or not they'll be accepted by friends, whether or not they'll do well in school, whether or not they'll be able to take care of themselves financially, we compromise our ability to help and support them, and we teach them to be fearful. Our kids aren't born worriers, they learn it from us. So, in the midst of the crisis du jour, take a deep breath and remind yourself, "it's all going to alright."

2. Don't Give Them the Answers
It's so easy to get so caught up in making sure that our kids "know" the answers, that we never let our kids learn how to "derive" the answers. Whenever we intervene and solve a problem or address a challenge, we deny our kids the opportunity to learn how to solve problems and address challenges. When we let them figure it out, they really "get" it.

When we provide our kids the opportunity to learn how to learn, we give them a tool that can serve them in any situation. When we help them by getting them through the next school project or the next exam, we solve the immediate challenge, but we don't do much for them in the long term.

3. Learn Their Values
I think this one can be really amazing. As parents, we're told that we need to instill our values into our children. I have no idea how this all comes to pass, but somehow when we adopt items one and two, our kids seem to be able to create values on their own, values that are really deep, insightful and rich with meaning. When we learn what our children value and then align our actions and support with their values, we can provide them an amazing springboard from which they can jump to reach their goals.

For some of us, the idea that our kids have their own values may never occur; we never see them. For others, their values may seem so different than our own that we react quickly to get them under control. In the end, I think the easiest and most useful approach is to learn what our kids value, embrace them and then see where it takes us.

Triply Blessed
So, as I revel this morning in the memory of a delicious weekend, I wanted to share with you what was on my mind. I wish for you a worry-free, celebratory day with your children filled with bidirectional sharing and learning!

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, parenting, relationships

When I consider milestones in my life, they are moments in which I reflect on who I am, what I am doing, why I am doing it, what my alternatives are, and how to proceed next. With this description in mind, you can imagine that I have lots and lots of milestones in my life. I re-evaluate and consider my beliefs and all the actions that flow out of them, on a very regular basis. I like to constantly recreate my beliefs and, as a result, recreate me. My path of milestones show how I have moved through life, and how I am developing myself as a more loving, accepting, warm and happy human being.

If I look back at my long line of milestones, some stand out more than others. They jump out like brightly colored crosses in a field of white flowers. They seem a to be a little bigger, and to shine a little brighter then the other milestones surrounding them. The common thread that seems to tie these milestones together is that these milestones are connected with other people. It's almost as if our grids of unique personal milestones interconnect in these places and change their substance, shape and color.

This weekend I am in the middle of the creation of one giant milestone. I am in a moment of moments where many thoughts and feelings from different people collide in one, huger, brilliantly colored Rock of Gibraltar milestone . We are celebrating the wedding of Sarah and Mark's son Luke, an amazing, wonderful, loving couple. And we are celebrating this wonderful event with friends and family, and their friends and families, and their friends and families...

In a formal sense, by marrying Mark five years ago, I am the stepmother of Luke, and his sisters Eila and Joy. I have never been able to get used to calling myself that. When I embraced Mark in my life, I told him I would also embrace and love all his loved ones (his children, his ex-wife Rene, his family and his friends), independent of the reciprocation I might receive.

At that point, I didn't know if anyone would ever be willing to open their arms for me and embrace me in theirs lives, and I had decided that that was OK. I would embrace them even if they would never want to know about me.

The growth of my relationships with Rene and the children has been a wondrous, amazing experience. Without guidelines and with my odd social skills, I have regularly felt like a blind man taking a new route home from work, not knowing where to turn or what to do, with only the persistence to find my way home. I have been touching the walls and slowly following the little signs I find, creating my route.

With tears in my eyes, I write as I think about yesterday's rehearsal dinner. The love that shines as a bright light through our family's interactions today is wondrous and amazing. And I say our family, because I feel that this awkward duck (me) is no longer standing at the edge of the pond, but is now right in the middle, swimming in relationship with Rene, Luke, Eila and Joy. These wonderful people have opened up their lives to me, and I feel very privileged and grateful. They have not only opened their arms for me, but have also introduced me to their loved ones, and families and friends. I feel privileged and honored by these gestures of love, and by the invitation to be part of their lives.

Rene, Joy, Luke and Eila: thank you, thank you, and thank you!

This is just a beginning. One milestone. One wonderful time to celebrate. Many others are on their way. So many wonderful people... So many amazing opportunities... So many unexpected and delicious situations...

Open your arms and fly!

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

1. Jaedon does not need a 40+ hour program to be a wonderful, fascinating person that I love and enjoy thoroughly
2. Jaedon is never too old for significant change and development.

Labels: autism, burn-out, faith clarke, hope, son-rise

One of my favorite movies is Forest Gump. I think it has a lot of good quotes and it shows that you do not need to be smart to accomplice big things - and a boy who can hardly walk can actually learn to run.

When I was a teenager I thought I could never run. I have a funny knee which kept getting inflamations whenever I tried to run. So I started to row and do weigths - and it turned out that this practice actually strengthend my knee so I could run.

But rowing was my first priority, and I kept rowing - I won the national championships in my country and got to the finals in the world championships - I kept rowing until I hurt my achilles.

For years I was struggling with my achilles - and this kept me from rowing AND from running, until one day more than 10 years later when I got this idea which could seem crazy to some people: I decided that I wanted to run a marathon.

Just think about it: at the time I had not been running for years. My longest run ever at the time was 13 km - or a quarter of a marathon - and the longest run I had done with the previous 5 years was 5 km.

So I startede out with 2 x 2 minutes running and increased from there. Within 6 months I did my first half marathon - the following year I did Copenhagen and Berlin Marathon.

Why do I mention this?
To me this is an example of how I operate: if I wants something in my life I'll make a plan, I'll move step by step towards my goal. - if I can do a marathon I can do anything!

The only problem with this this approach is that I tend to often move with small steps rather than quantum leaps - but the advantages is: I keep moving and I usually reaches my goal - eventally.

This year I did my third marathon. But my reasons and my approach was different from the previous onces. First I decided to do it to draw a line between my past and my future. I wanted the past to be about the past and that the furture would be based on the now and not on the past. I wanted to motivate myself to be more healthy and I wanted to be happy.
Different things came up so I decided that doing marathon might not be a good idea from a health perspective - but I ended up wanting to finish so I kept running - and after that I kept walking, and then I kept running again - and I made it. And I was happy on my way.

I learned something very important that day. 1) I felt so happy and blessed to have friends and strangers cheering for me. It was a bigger inspiration than I had realised. 2) once I had decided to finish the run the best I could do was to focus on the present moment. A few times on my way down 5th av. I thought about the finishing ling. At this poing the finishing line is getting closer and the signals from the body asking you to stop is getting louder, and what happend was that I felt sick and tired and I could hardly move my body. But when I looked up, watched the beutiful sky and the sun going down behind central park, then I started to trust the voices which kept shouting: You can do it! I remembered that I did move in the direction I wanted to go. And I felt happy and blessed and I knew that I was at the right place.

I think that it is so important in life to trust your decisions and keep moving in the direction you want to go. -it doesn't mean that you can never stop reflect or change directions. But when you have decided what direction you want to go, when you are doing something that feels right - then stop the questioning, enjoy the process and keep doing what works for you.

- I'll keep running.

Joy

Labels: actions, all blogs, beliefs, joy vigh strand, philosophy

Last night, Iris and I had dinner with Joy who's in town for the Empower Yourself program at The Option Institute. Joy just finished running the New York City Marathon. She was full of energy, enthusiastic, happy and looking really great! Not at all European.

Iris and I love hanging out with Joy. We have a common frame of reference, we're thoroughly authentic with each other, and we have so many things to explore.

At one point in the conversation, Joy voiced her concern for Mark K in that "he doesn't seem to be getting enough sleep." We segued from Mark to a more general discussion of how much sleep we "need."

Joy suggested that we need at least seven to eight hours of sleep per night in order to be healthy.

I responded that I didn't believe seven to eight hours was required and that, if I get more than five or six hours per night, I start to sleep less well and start to feel run down.

Joy then said that I may not need as much sleep as other people, but most people need seven to eight hours.

The conversation proceeded through discussions of quality of sleep versus quantity of sleep, what the actual restorative effect of sleep was (e.g., chemically, physically, electrically), whether or not one could achieve that same restorative effect without sleep, a comparison of meditation to sleep, the impact of exercise and nutrition, and the effect of attitude. It was really fun!

A common theme throughout the conversation was that of different types of people needing more or less sleep. In the end, this was the theme that I found most fascinating.

Hardwired
Whenever we say things such as, "I'm the type of person who needs at least eight hours of sleep per night", or, "I'm someone who needs to fully prepare and practice before presenting at a meeting", or, "I'm not the type of person who can simply pop out of bed in the morning and head out the door", we're implying that we're somehow hardwired. Whatever we just said is simply the way it is. There's nothing that can be done about it.

Not only is this point of view severely limiting in terms of who we are and who we can become, but despite all the evidence that we have collected to support it, it's simply not true.

When we make a hardwired statement about ourselves, what we're really doing is defining our future based on our past. Now, if we really believe what we're saying, then we're probably right. However, it's our belief that we're hardwired (not our physical or emotional makeup, not our history or genetics) that makes us hardwired.

Starting Point vs. Predetermined
Now don't get me wrong. I think there's a lot to be said for individual physiology, genetics, chemistry, skills and the like. Even at birth, each child seems to be truly unique and predefined. Where we go awry is when we take this predefined set of temperaments, capabilities, and physical attributes and decide that they imply something about who that child can become.

Sure, some us arrive with genetic code that will make it easy for us to compete in athletics and others with the genetic code that will make it easy for us to do math, but these codes simply give us a starting point further down the path than people who don't have the same code.

If we're not born with the genetic code that gives us the advantage, it doesn't necessarily mean that we can't do something; it just means that we're not starting from the same place as others with the code.

Yet, we often get grouped at very young ages based upon our starting place, not our potential. In the end, there are very few people who can't learn music, who can't learn sports, who can't learn math, who can't learn to cook.

The Predetermined Me
Similarly, the type of person each of us views ourselves to be is also just a starting point and not deterministic. We may have started life as someone who needs eight hours of sleep per night. We may have spent our entire lives getting emotional and upset over little things. We may never, ever have taken a risk with anything. We may have never participated in any type of creative activity. All are reflections of where we started and what we've done, not our potential.

There's no such thing as a person who simply is not creative, or smart, or energetic, or enthusiastic. There are only people who haven't yet done creative, or smart, or energetic, or enthusiastic, or...

What's Your Past/Potential Differential?
So, what type of person are you? Are you someone who has an abundance of energy or someone who is easily rundown? Are you someone who needs to prepare or someone who can just wing it? Are you someone who simply can't get organized or someone who has to be organized?

Not surprisingly, much of our life situation has been determined by the assumption that many of our attributes, patterns and behaviors can't be changed. What if they can be changed? What if nothing about us, not matter how young or old we are is permanent?

What would you do differently if you didn't actually need this or that? Who would you become?

Homework
Here's little exercise that might be fun to do with a friend or your partner. It might help you better understand one another and perhaps make some changes in your lives.

First, on a piece of paper, write down the attributes that define who you are. They can be anything that you consider to be your signature attributes.

Second, without looking at his or her list, write down the defining attributes of your friend or partner.

Third, look at each of the attributes (for both you and your friend or partner) and place a '1' next to each attribute that you would like to change, and a '2' next to each attribute that you would like to keep or build.

Fourth, share your lists with each other, each one of you first presenting your view of the other, and then comparing that with your views of yourselves. Talk about what you would like to change and what you feel you can't change. Then talk about how life might be different if you did change.

Have a great Wednesday!

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

What do we do with ideas?


Other people seem to sort their ideas in good and bad ideas. These are the people who will take action and support good ideas, and protest the "bad" ideas. You recognize them, because they will stand alongside the road telling you who to vote for, and who not. These are the people who stand in line and will tell you spontaneously that you should order the cinnamon bun, because it is so much better than anything else in the store. They will tell you that you should go to this Sushi place instead of that Sushi place because it is so much better etc.


What about you?
Naturally, we are all mixes of these categories. People usually do not fit in one box. But in this moment, if you look at yourself, in which category would you put yourself? A fried-air person? A save-it-for-later person? A good-bad-idea person? A let's-do-it-right-now person?

Why? Do you take actions on your ideas, or not? How come? Are you using good/bad as a motivator? Are you running around because everything seems interesting? What do you do with your ideas?

Labels: ideas, iris tuomenoksa, philosophy

Over the past year, I've had the incredible opportunity to work with an amazing group of parents and professionals in creating something that we believe is going to truly transform how families of children with Autism and other developmental challenges work with and relate to their children.

After more than nine months of intense and wonderfully enjoyable work, I am pleased to announce the availability of our new website, http://www.relatetoautism.com. relate to autism provides a combination of web-based and professional services specifically designed to empower families of children with Autism and other developmental challenges who are conducting home-based treatment programs.

Based on my decision a couple of weeks ago to pause and celebrate accomplishments (even when there are still millions of things I want to do), I decided that I would stop and celebrate with you!

relate to autism
The relate to autism website has both public and member sections. The public website provides information on Autism and Autism Treatment including a blog that daily provides new information on what's going on in the world of Autism, insights and stories from parents, and helpful ideas that parents can begin using right away.

The member section of the site is sort of a Facebook on steroids for families and their teams of volunteers, staff and professionals. Parents can use the tools on the membership site to: establish a profile for each of their special children; schedule, manage and communicate with their child's support team of volunteers and professionals; track their child's activities and progress; and generally, make their home-based developmental programs as effective as they can be.

From Logistics to Nutrition to Attitude
Members also have access to a host of support services including: consultations and video reviews with Autism Professionals trained in relationship based approaches to Autism; consultations with Attitudinal Coaches who can help them and their team work through attitudinal and emotional challenges that might be limiting their effectiveness when working with their children; and, support sessions with Parent Guides, other parents who themselves have worked through many of the logistical and emotional challenges of conducting a home-based developmental program.

As the guy who's providing business and technology support, I am thrilled and humbled to be working with this sensational group of inspired, talented and loving people.

The Tools
As the technology team (guy), I'm really excited about the website itself. For me writing all the code for this has been a labor of love and I'm really psyched that people can begin using the tools!

Each parent and each of their team members gets a relate to autism home page that is in many ways similar to a Facebook page, except that it is secured and available only to members of your team.

The left column of the My Home page provides quick access to the My Home pages of all your team mates. The center column provides a messaging system that allows team members to easily communicate with one another and share information. It provides places to upload photos, videos and even to share files.

The right column provides direct access to your team's schedule. Team members can easily see who is scheduled to be in the playroom and can even schedule changes themselves.

A Place for Children
Parents can create a home page for each of their special children. The page provides a communications hub for all aspects of a child's developmental program.

After parents complete a profile for their child, information is available at a glance to the child's team members including volunteers, paid staff, autism professionals, nutritionists, even doctors.

Each child's page also features messaging, photo uploads, video collections, file sharing and so on.

In the right hand column of each child's page, parents and team members have access to all sorts of tools including scheduling and activity tracking.

Making Scheduling Easy
The Scheduling Wizard let's parents easily and quickly create a full week's schedule of play sessions for their child. For each day of the week, mom or dad selects whether they want to conduct a morning program, an afternoon program, an evening program or some combination thereof.

Clicking a button automatically creates a schedule laid out in a calendar format with each session represented as a colored square on the calendar. To assign a team member to a specific play session, parents simply click on the session they want to schedule and select the name of that team member.

Once all the team members have been assigned, mom or dad clicks a Publish Schedule button and the scheduled sessions show up in each team member's calendar as well as on the child's home page.

Tracking Activity and Progress
When we're deeply involved in a long term project where we make progress step by step, it's sometimes difficult to appreciate all that we've accomplished. When our project involves many people, it can be difficult to keep everyone up-to-date on what's happening from day to day.

So, one of the things that we added to the site was the ability to track activity and progress. The site's Activity Tracker lets parents and support team members record everything from what foods your child ate today to what words he or she said to the amount of time spent in various activities to the attitudinal and emotional state of each team member.

Before beginning a play session with your child, a team member can log into the site to quickly see what had happened in the playroom that day. They can see what new words your child might be using, what activities are holding his or her interest, who's having a good day and who's having a bad day. Pretty much anything that you want to record.

Thank You!
Anyway, that's as they say, "just the tip of the iceberg!"

There are many things about the site and the services that I didn't talk about in this blog and even more that we're planning on in the coming months.

The site is now open for membership! Hoorah!

To help us work through the last bits and pieces of making the site rock-solid and to help families get started, we're offering free membership services to parents through December 31, 2009.

I feel so privileged to be part of this amazing effort. Thank you for sharing it with me.

If you have a child with Autism or other developmental challenges (or know someone who does), I'd love for you (or them) to check out our site and try out the membership services.

I'd also love to hear your feedback about the site or any challenges you find there. You can send me email at mark@relatetoautism.com.

Wow, it's really nice to stop and celebrate a bit.

Have a great week!

Teflon

Labels: all blogs, autism, mark tuomenoksa, relationships

Yeah, so what to do when comfort isn't 'working'? I remember Samahria saying something like: nothing is worth mortgaging your comfort for. It is so tempting for me to get myself uncomfortable as I write this damm blog! Hmmm....yes, I AM a tad UNCOMFORTABLE...and yet as I write that, I laugh, the discomfort vanishes....interesting!

Now, (a few moments later), I'm aware I'm struggling again. I'm not finding it easy to grab hold of any specific idea or topic long enough to write about it. All day yesterday I intended to write my blog entry with ease, in a relaxed way. I could think of no clear ideas. That was fine with me. I did other things, I went for a walk, cooked, and felt relaxed. It got late. I started racing my thoughts and still am doing so now in the morning. It feels like this racing type of thinking is happening to me but I know that is not true because when I choose to focus on my body and breath I have no racing thoughts.

I ask myself: why am I racing my thoughts? I get myself more uncomfortable with this question...yep, I've jumped onto a spiral of discomfort, obsessively questioning my everything....why would I do that? Why do I make it hard for myself? Why can't I think of a topic? Why do I believe I can't think of a topic? Why don't I want to think of a topic?

I think this is officially called tormentoring!

I've been a tension addict for many years. The past year and a half I have become aware of this. I hold a lot of tension in my body, particularly when doing "heady" type of tasks such as writing or entering data into a computer.

Holding my muscles tight is a physical way I pressure myself to literally 'squish' out my ideas. This is one way tension has been useful to me. I wonder is there any 'truth' to this...does tension physically help me express myself? It really seems that sometimes I can not express my ideas clearly without doing tension somewhere along the way. It seems equivalent to a person who can not see well putting on glasses and being able to see better.

I don't always have to 'squish' my ideas out but right now and lately I haven't felt like writing. I made a commitment to do so and I value honoring this commitment. So, I am making the best of it by exploring what is coming up for me as I write even though I don't feel like it. It's a challenge I'm making worthwhile by learning from it as I write.

My struggle and tension as I write are coming from fear of stepping out of my usual ways. The structure I feel most comfortable with when I write is to think of a topic and then develop a sense of the beginning, middle and end before I start. In this case, I'm not doing it that way. I don't know what this will end up like. I'm currently also realizing a deeper fear coming up about being real and sharing myself in the moment AS I unfold. My usual theme is to share my issue afterward, once I have it all figured out. It seems more safe that way.

I actually wanted to write about this (how much I struggle sometimes to get my thoughts out) the first time I wrote on this blog but I couldn't get the words out the way I wanted to. I wasn't ready t share it. I'm excited that I'm ready now! I don't have to wait until I'm finished struggling, until I have a beginning, middle and ending!

I see how just the opposite can be really helpful. I felt so personally touched reading the most recent blogs of Kathy, Paul, and Iris, and those of Mark when they write real, raw and in the moment of their struggles and joys. This is so revealing. I feel I know them so much more and it feels more safe to open myself more too. This is RELATING at its DEEPEST! I remember living with Rita and having some of the most amazing WOW moments of my life when we would (what felt like to me) stop time by getting real, going into the moment; sharing the tiny details of specific thoughts and different perspectives on the exact same events.

"Tension is who you think you should be; relaxation is who you are"
~ Chinese Proverb

My INTENTION regarding tension (and fear) is to be and express myself, as I AM. After reading this blog over, it doesn't seem scary or even revealing...but it was a BIG deal while I was writing it and I was quite tense nearly the whole time. INTERESTING!!! Thank you!

Labels: awareness, fear, tension