Belief Makers

Yesterday, in For the Sake of Argument, I introduced the basics of formal argument. In quick summary:

1. The process of arguing is one by which two or more parties move towards agreement by building agreement one step at a time, brick by brick
   
2. The process starts with a set of proposed facts or premises (the foundational building blocks upon which the argument rests). Each proposed premise or proposition is either accepted or rejected. To be accepted as a premise, all parties must agree. However, any one party can reject a proposition.
   
3. If a proposition is rejected, it makes absolutely no sense to proceed until you have:
• come to agreement on that proposition, or
• determined a replacement proposition, or
• discarded the proposition as not required by the argument
4. As propositions are accepted as premises, new propositions can be inferred from the accepted ones. These inferences are accepted or not. If accepted, the inference becomes a premise and is added to the foundation. If not, then repeat step 3.
   
5. The argument is constructed in the above manner until a final inference is asserted and accepted. This final inference is referred to as the conclusion.
   

If after reading yesterday's blog, you ran and found your partner shouting, "Hey, let's have a big argument!", and you followed the above outline reasonably well, then you might have discovered that it's not always clear whether or why a proposition is a valid or invalid premise. The reason for this is that most of us use and accept invalid premises pretty much all the time.

Fallacies
In formal argument, invalid premises are referred to as fallacies. Fortunately, the use of fallacy goes back thousands of years and the most common types are well documented. With a bit of education, you can learn to not only spot fallacy, but to quickly identify the type of fallacy.

Below, I've provided some of the more common fallacies that we routinely accept as valid propositions. Becoming familiar with these can help you to create constructive arguments that are well grounded and sound. As you develop your skills, it's not so important that you become expert in identifying specifically which type of fallacy has been asserted, but simply that you identify whether a proposition is valid or not.

Also note that the beauty of structured argument is that you needn't prove that a proposition is flawed in order to reject it. Propositions must be accepted multilaterally (by all parties), but they may be declined unilaterally (by just one listener).

If you are being presented a proposition, yours is to simply say "accepted" or "rejected"; you have no burden of proof.

False Analogy
False analogy involves the comparison of two items that do not have strong enough similarities to predict that what happens in one will happen in the other.

Why should I study hard and finish high school? Look at Tom Cruise. He's rich and famous and he never finished high school.

Berkshire Community College should not require a freshman algebra course. MIT doesn't even offer a freshman algebra course and their students are some of the brightest mathematicians in the world.

It worked for Apple and Steve Jobs, why wouldn't it work for us?

Although a great form of illustration, generally speaking, analogy is a terrible form of argument. So, rather than wasting time deciding whether or not an analogy is false, it might be more useful to simply exclude analogy as you cut your teeth on arguing.

False Premise
To introduce a false premise, you provide a logical statement in which you include (assume) a premise that has not yet been accepted in the argument.

Everyone wants a college degree. Good high school grades are necessary to getting into college. Everyone should work on good high school grades.

All musicians want to be rich and famous. Strong work ethic is required to become rich and famous. It's important that all musicians develop a strong work ethic.

In the above arguments, not one, but two premises are provided. For the argument to stand, both must have been accepted before one can process the inference.

Argumentum ad Baculum (Appeal to Force)
An appeal to force is committed when the arguer resorts to force or the threat of force in order to gain the acceptance of an assertion. The threat may be direct or indirect.
Argumentum ad Populum (Appeal to the People)
Argumentum ad Populum attempts to win acceptance of an assertion by appealing to a large group of people. This form of argument is typically characterize by emotional and inflammatory language.
Argumentum ad Verecundiam (Appeal to Authority)
Appeal to authority is used quite frequently among academics and in television commercials. It is a logical shortcut by which logical steps (building blocks) are skipped and a premise is added to the foundation based on a reference to an expert's or famous person's opinion. (Imagine a brick floating in the air just above the foundation.)

There are cases where this form of argument can be valid, e.g., if the authority is in fact an expert on the topic being argued. However, even then, appeal to authority is tenuous as expertise has limits and experts often disagree with one another. Of course, there are cases where the expertise or fame of the person referenced has nothing to do with the premise being asserted.
Argumentum ad misericordiam (Appeal to Pity)
Appeal to pity is a technique by which an arguer tugs on the heartstrings of the listener rather than presenting data to support his argument.
Argumentum ad Ignorantiam (Appeal to Ignorance)
Appeal to Ignorance shifts the burden of proof from the arguer to the listener by asserting that a proposition is valid simply because it has not been shown to be invalid.
Either/Or Fallacy
Using the either/or fallacy, the arguer implies that only two choices exists (both of which can be invalid).
Concurrence Fallacy
To use the concurrence fallacy, one implies a causal relationship between two coincidental premises that are unrelated or only loosely related.

Whenever I drink more than three mixed drinks, I meet the most beautiful women. Drinking must make me more attractive.

Circular Reasoning or "Tautological Reasoning."
Circular reasoning involves a proposition that depends upon itself to be true. The circular reasoning may be found within the proposition itself (easy to spot) or may involve a series of propositions that wrap back around to a starting proposition.

Ralph is an impressive speaker because he always touches his listeners deeply.

In the above example, the very meaning of "impressive" includes the idea of touching someone deeply, intellectually, or emotionally. In an argument this is ineffective and absurd, just as "he is handsome because he is good looking" would be.

Equivocation
Equivocation occurs when a key word is used with two or more different meanings in the same argument.

Supporters of the Alpha Institute properly employ the institute's trademarks in all written works referencing the institute. People who do not properly employ the institute's trademarks are not supportive of the institute.

The original premise is true only of ideal supporters. While ideally everyone would properly display the appropriate trademarks, not doing so does not make them unsupportive.

Slippery Slope
The slippery slope argument simply implies that one instance of something will inevitably lead to others.
True But Irrelevant
A trait shared by several fallacies is that of being true but completely irrelevant to the argument.

Distraction or "Red Herring"
Distraction involves the introduction of a premise that is valid but irrelevant.
Argumentum Ad Hominem (Against the Person)
Ad hominem involves negative statements regarding the person that are unrelated to the discussion, a Red Herring attached to the person.
Name-Calling (Genetic Fallacy)
Genetic fallacy is similar to (but different from) ad hominem. Rather than being based on a current observation (ad hominem), genetic fallacy is based on a person's past or their origin.
So What?
One of the great things about formal argument is that it's a partnership by which two or more parties move towards agreement by together building a solid foundation of mutually accepted propositions.

As each premise or inference is proposed, it is the job of the proposer to convince the listener that the proposition is valid. The listener can unilaterally reject the proposition. However, in truly constructive argument, the listener can also offer alternative propositions that she would find acceptable. Multilateral acceptance and unilateral rejection.

By applying what we discussed yesterday and today to everyday disagreements, you'll find that the solutions tend to be much more satisfying for everyone involved and they tend not to fall apart over time.

So, it's Sunday morning. A great exercise today might be sitting down with someone and debating something important. As you do so, pay attention to the method of engagement (i.e., proposing and accepting or rejecting premises), but don't worry so much about whether or not the propositions are faulty or how they're faulty. Then, once you're done, play back the recording and analyze each proposition to determine whether or not it is a fallacy and, if so, why it's a fallacy.

Or better yet, bring a recorder to your next business meeting where you anticipate heated debate! Can you imagine how much you'll have?

Happy arguing!
Teflon

Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

I'm always fascinated by the misappropriation and subsequent dilution of words. One of the words I love is 'argument'. I (and a lot of ancient Greeks) believe that argument is one of the best forms of instruction available to us. To practice argument forces us to clarify our thoughts and to determine whether or not what we believe is valid. By becoming good at argument, we become people who can engage, evaluate and absorb diverse ideas and concepts; we become reasonable.

Unfortunately, when most people talk about argument, they don't refer to a great way to learn or a framework that facilitates shared understanding; instead, they refer to techniques of verbal assault or to heated exchanges in which the common thread is simply the outlandish expression of pent of emotion or the desire to 'win'.

Further, when it comes to logical argument, to say that most people are pretty terribly skilled is an insult to the terribly skilled. The combination of commonly held attitudes towards argument (i.e., it's a bad thing) and the lack of skill on the part of most of us causes us to avoid argument, thus missing out on any type of learning that requires rapid evolution of what we already know. However, if we embrace argument and learn to do it well, we can hone and sharpen one another.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Interestingly and humorously, the two verses prior to Proverbs 27:17 state:

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.

Proverbs 27:15-16

So to be clear, we're talking about argument (think Plato and Socrates), not quarreling (think constant dripping).

Key Skills for Peer Review
As we embark upon the initiatives I outlined on Wednesday (thank you for all the encouraging emails and phone calls), I'd like to start with a grounding in formal argument. I want to ensure that everything we come up with has structural integrity (everything jibes with everything else) and does not fall prey to common fallacies in logic. So, let's start with some basic concepts regarding logical argument.

Simple Logic
Logical argument by its nature is simple. A basic form of logical argument involves three components: premise, inference, conclusion. Although you'll see these presented in various sequences in real-world arguments, let's look at these in the order outlined above.



Step 1: Premise
Within an argument, a premise is an agreed upon fact within the context of the argument. The premise need not be "true", just agreed upon.

If we were to start an argument with premises, you might hear phrases such as: "For the sake of argument, would you agree that... humans are mammals? ...dogs have ears? ...smelly feet are less appealing than non-smelly feet?"

Oftentimes a premise will follow other statements in the argument, in which case you might here it prefaced by words such as 'because' or 'since', e.g, Since all major league baseballs are made from cowhide... or Because fish can't breathe air...

Step 2: Inference
Once one or more premises have been established, additional premises may be proposed. These propositions are called inferences as they are inferred from the agreed upon premises. Inferences are usually preceded by words like 'infers' and 'therefore', e.g., All major league balls being made from cowhide infers that cowhide is required to make major league baseballs or Fish cannot breathe air, therefore, in order to breathe, fish must require some other substance.

As inferences are agreed to, they essentially become premises.

Step 3: Conclusion
Conclusion is the final stage of the argument. It represents the summary proposition inferred by the initial premises and any intermediate inferences. I borrowed the following example of premises and inferences leading to a conclusion from Virtual School.

• Every event has a cause (premise)
• The universe has a beginning (premise)
• All beginnings involve an event (premise)
• This implies that the beginning of the universe involved an event (inference)
• Therefore the universe has a cause (inference and conclusion)

Brick by Brick
There are gazillions of ways in which arguments go awry; however, the most common is simply abandonment of the basic form. In building an argument, we are essentially moving towards agreement one step at a time. Imagine that we're laying a foundation for a building brick by brick. Before each brick is cemented into the foundation, we examine it to see whether or not it is flawed in any way. If so, we discard it and look for another brick that is not flawed. In the end, we trust the foundation because we know it has no flawed bricks.

Similarly, in building an argument, each potential building block of the argument (each proposition) is examined and either accepted (becoming a premise) or discarded. Without examination and acceptance of all the propositions, the argument is fundamentally flawed. Therefor, if we don't agree on a proposition, it makes no sense to proceed until we have either agreed to a replacement proposition or that we have determined that the proposition isn't necessary to the argument.

I can't tell you how many times people have become frustrated with me and accused me of "not listening" when, while presenting their case, I stopped them to say, "Wait, I don't agree with that proposition. It doesn't make any sense to continue with your presentation until we either agree or decide that what you said wasn't actually material to the case you're making."

Learning to Argue Constructively
Anyone can learn to construct and conduct logical and constructive arguments simply by remembering the following:

1. The process of arguing is based on moving towards agreement
2. If ever there is a disagreement on a proposition, it makes absolutely no sense to proceed until you have:
   - come to agreement on that proposition, or
   - determined a replacement proposition, or
   - discarded the proposition as not required by the argument
3. Begin each argument by stating and gaining acceptance of your premises (your basic building blocks)
4. Based upon your premises, assert propositions or inferences mutually accepting or discarding each. Step 2 applies to each inference.
5. Based on a foundation in which all the building blocks have been agreed to by both (or all) parties as valid and flawless, assert your conclusion.
   

Pretty simple, huh? Attitudinally, we're always working towards agreement. Operationally, we're never sneaking in any flawed bricks and we never begin the next layer until the first layer is solid.

Flawed Bricks
Once you've got the above sequence down, the next step is to learn to identify flawed propositions or fallacies. There are many, many ways in which flawed propositions survive inspection. However, if you become aware of common fallacies, you'll learn to identify them easily. The following are some sites that provide information on argument and commonly employed fallacies.

- Constructing a Logical Argument (www.virtualschool.edu)
- Fallacies (www.nizkor.org)
- Fallacie (www.unc.edu)

There are many, many more.

Next Steps
If you find yourself frequently engaged in "arguments" that seem to lead nowhere or you are frustrated in talking with people who "always seem to win", then you may want to invest a bit of time in educating yourself on the basics of logical argument. Just google the words "logical argument fallacy" and you'll find hundreds of pages that are useful.

Step one is to read various explanations of argument and fallacy and then to explain the concepts and structure to someone else. Repeat the process until you feel that you have a good understanding of the basics.

Step two is to try it out. You might start with something that has been a longstanding disagreement between you and your partner. Begin with the attitude of moving towards agreement. Layout each of your premises and obtain agreement on them or throw them out. Build your foundation brick by brick never inserting any bogus or flawed bricks. With each brick, obtain agreement before moving to the next.

If you follow the process I've outlined, I imagine that you'll experience amazingly different results (even if you do nothing other than adopt an attitude of always be moving towards agreement.)

Happy Saturday!
Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Every Friday until November 7, 2010 you will find entries from a series written by Iris about her training to run the New York marathon in 2010. It is something she never aspired to do; she has never run a distance of more than 2 kilometers in her life. In this series she describes her adventures and how she works on her beliefs to transform her challenges and successes into one great experience.

After my article last week, a couple of readers and friends offered to do dialogue exchanges with me to help me work through my frustrations. These dialogues have not yet happened. My traveling and having a husband with flue around changed my priorities a bit this week. And the funny thing is that this didn't really mater, because writing last week's article had already brought me into a very different mental space. I had chosen to be more accepting and loving towards myself. I had decided that the main thing to focus on was being able to run without pain and that I will and can do what is needed to get me there.

What Did I Do?
What did I do? I consistently implemented the strengthening exercises and when any pain showed up, I stopped early. I did more non-impact training and I took way more rest. I also implemented different kinds of stretching exercises.

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, marathon

This is but one in countless examples of me being late.  Pre-children, getting somewhere on time was challenging for me.  I recall numerous detentions for lateness from Sr. James Vincent, as I was dropped to school by my father.  Maybe he had problems with lateness.  I only got to school on time when I travelled with Desiree, the girl up the hill from me who also went to my school.  Her father insisted that she got to school by 7:20am.  They often met me huffing and puffing as I ran up the hill to their house.

I had probably just gotten it all sorted out during early adulthood.  I got to work on time while teaching.  I think this was primarily because I made sure my classes started at a reasonable time: 10:00 am.  Routines, structure, predictability and knowing my own inner rhythms help me to get where I'm going punctually.

Then came kids!  What inner rhythms?  What routines?  I noticed that with each child, I have to add 30 minutes to what I would consider 'normal' preparation time.  So, if I am to pay attention to that bit of information, I should have started kid preparation at 9:30 for the 11:00 appointment this morning.  That means other prep would need to have happened before 9:30.  I feel nauseous thinking about that.  I'm definitely not a morning person, so early morning prep as the sole adult can be a daunting task.

I think it comes back to my planning strategies.  I need more of them.  I have noticed that I do 2 things that increase the likelihood of my being late:

1. I overestimate what can be done in 5 minutes.  There is always this huge list of things I think I need to do.  So I'm leaving the house and I notice that I can't find my notebook.  I check behind the couch, the new spot for lost things (a.k.a. things swiped by Jaedon for hoarding) and indeed, there it is!  I also notice that several items of silverware, some bowls, open markers, lipstick and other odds and ends are also stashed.  Aware that I wasn't late, I call for a broom and set to clearing out behind the couch.... 10 minutes later, I'm frantic.  Another scenario is my noticing that I'm 5 minutes ahead and decide that I should have my smoothie, instead of the nothing I was planning to eat before I left.  After all, isn't this better for my body?  Then, since there is no point making just mine, I make for everyone, then call them, distribute the smoothies, change my sweater because of the spilled smoothie on it, clean smoothie off the floor,....  You get the idea.
2. I don't plan for the things I can't control.  This is a big one for me.  Why not say something like 'Smoothie prep - 30 mins'?  My time slots are always done based on best case scenarios.  It's like I think best case is 'normal' and unplanned happenings are anomolies.  Yet I experience many unplanned happenings daily.  Perhaps is would be easier to plan for them if I even acknowledged that they were possible.  As I stood in traffic on the I-87 because of an accident, I thought "Traffic on the 87 is quite normal.  How come I don't expect it?"

Reframing
I'm going to think about this some more...

• Not allotting enough prep time seems to be an efficiency issue for me.  If I give too much time, I will get less done.  If I'm not hurrying, I could have gotten more done.  I can't just say to myself 'Smoothie Prep - 30 mins' because there is another part of me that's saying 'that's ridiculous! You know it doesn't take you that long to make a smoothie'.  So I'm going to continue thinking about my beliefs around what is efficient and what isn't.  
• I would like to reframe my thoughts on normal vs anomalous happenings. I plan for normal.   I usually have enough information to decide that something is normal.  Jaedon has been throwing stuff downstairs for a few days, Zachary's sense of appropriate clothing choices isn't fully developed yet, there is usually traffic on the 87.  Like the child with autism, I can be inflexible.  I resist adjusting my mental pictures to integrate my 'don't wants'.  So, I continue to be startled.

Out of the Closet
My strategy for dealing with lateness is very different from my typical strategy for personal growth.  Usually, I talk about anything I'm thinking about.  I read about it, I write about it, and share what I'm learning with others and get their thoughts.  Lateness has such a bad rap in this part of the world (it's seen differently in Jamaica, where typically weddings start 2 hours after the stated time) that I hide from it and prefer to pretend that I'm late just this once.  That has to do with what I think people may think about me.   They are probably thinking it anyway, and my thinking about it in secret hasn't been helping me, so I'm outing myself.  I tend to be late and I'd like to spend the next couple of weeks allowing myself to really be curious about this.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  How do you figure this out?

Next week:  I do actually get to some places on time.  I wonder what I'm thinking about and believing in those situations?

Labels: beliefs, faith clarke, late

Over the past months I've had some rather enthusiastic and energetic discussions with many of you regarding the idea of an independent body of independent people who might serve as a peer review group regarding Option and the dialogue. In this article, I'd like to propose the creation of such a peer group.

Peer Review
Peer review is a process by which the creative work and/or performance of an individual may be evaluated by other people in the same field in order to maintain or enhance the quality of the work or performance. The basic ideas is that a larger and more diverse group of people will usually find more weaknesses and errors in a work or performance and will be able to make a more impartial evaluation of it than will just the person or group responsible for creating the work or performance.

To obtain an unbiased evaluation, the peer review process depends on the independence of the reviewers to discourage potential favoritism shown to relatives, colleagues and friends. Typically, the reviewers are not selected from among the close colleagues, relatives or friends of the creator or performer of the work, and potential reviewers are required to disclose any potential conflicts of interest. Peer review helps maintain and enhance quality by identifying potential flaws in work and recommending alternatives that might correct those flaws.

Monopolies
I'm not familiar with the process by which folks who have carried on the wonderful work of Bruce Di Marsico determine what is included in the canon of the Option Method nor am I aware of how or whether or not they have process by which people are certified to conduct Option Dialogues. I'm somewhat more familiar with the approach taken by the Kaufmans have put into place.

In particular, the Kaufmans' approach to review and certification is essentially the opposite of peer review; certification and review are conducted by a single group who assert exclusive ownership of the process and it at least appears to favor family members and friends. Further, certification of the quality of performance and/or creative work is lumped together with control of where and how one might practice the skills for which one has been certified. Several certificate holders have told me that they were told by staff at the Institute that that they would not be re-certified or not invited to participate in certain parts of the process simply because their activities were not viewed as "supportive" of the Institute.

Of course, the Kaufmans can do whatever they want with their certification; after all, it's their certification. However, the philosophy, the methods and the dialogue are not. Therefore, I'd like to establish an independent process that is owned by no one in particular and focuses exclusively on the quality of the work or performance.

Getting Started
At first blush it seems that there are two or three basic tasks that are required to get all this underway. These tasks involve the creation of original work that would not be beholding to anyone or any group.

The Philosophical Canon
The first thing I'd like to create and have reviewed by peers is a canonical representation of the core Option philosophy. Over the past couple of weeks, I've started to take a cut at various pieces of this and have been thrilled with all the feedback I've received, some reinforcing what I'd written and other challenging it.

I'd like to take the process beyond my musings on various aspects of what is and what isn't Option and collectively create a more formal thesis on Option. I'd be happy to work with others in any number of ways to do this. From taking a first cut myself and then asking for feedback from others, to creating an outline of the entire work and then dividing the work up among us, to simply coordinating the work of others.

My goal would be to have a clear, concise and immensely useful guide to Option that would be owned by no one in particular and available to anyone free of charge (electronically) or for minimal charge (to cover costs) were we to create a physical book. A peer review process would be employed to ensure the quality of the work. Not everyone would have to agree on every item; however, wherever there were significant disagreements, we would always present the minority view along with the majority view.

Application via the Dialogue
The second order of business would be a similar document regarding the application of the philosophy in the form of talk-therapy referred to by many as the 'dialogue'. I would love to come up with a basic 'How to' guide for the applying the philosophy in the form of talk therapy, a sort of "Dialoguing for Dummies" kind of book (though I'd love to replace dialoguing with an actual verb).

Much has been written about the dialogue and there are many bits and pieces floating about that identify types of questions, types of experience (e.g., thoughts versus feelings versus beliefs), or techniques to be applied under various sets of circumstances. However, I am unaware of any clear and systematic presentation of the techniques that would survive formal scrutiny of peer review process.

I would love to create something that is clear, concise and simple, while also being comprehensive and systematic. As with the canon on the philosophy, I would like this to be done in a collaborative manner in which the results would be owned by no one in particular and available to anyone free of charge or at minimal cost where costs have been incurred.

Certification Process
The third task would be to establish a set of criteria and process by which practitioners might be certified in teaching the philosophy and/or providing talk therapy. Documentation of the criteria would be based upon the two documents I've outlined above. The review process would be conducted by a subset of peers selected at random so as to preclude cronyism.

The trickiest part would of course be getting started or bootstrapping as we call it in the software business (pulling yourself up by your bootstraps). My thought is to create a volunteer group of anyone who has been previously certified by Bruce's or the Kaufman's organizations to conduct dialogues, and then as a group to determine the criteria and the process.

It could be that initially the intersection of the sets of ideas and beliefs is much smaller than the union; however, I also believe that through open exchange and in the absence of motivation to promote any specific brand of philosophy, we could arrive at a common set of criteria that we all agree upon.

Our goal would be to move toward consensus, identifying criteria upon which we agree and criteria upon which we don't. I believe that the result would be something that no one has yet fully conceived and that the result would far exceed the sum of the parts.

Once the criteria were established, the first task of the group would be to certify one another. Once a body of certified individuals were established, we could establish a process by which others might be certified.

In the case of certification, I would make all the criteria and documentation free of charge. However, I would want to at least minimally compensate individuals who spend their time reviewing the work of others as part of the certification process.

Open Source
In software, their is a concept called "open source". It's a process by which writers of software can make their work available to anyone for free and simultaneously protect the work from being picked up by others and marketed and sold as their own work, or even more importantly claimed as their own. I believe that many of the principles of open source apply to what I'm proposing here. There are standard licensing agreements that cover this type of work. I'll do a bit of research to ensure that whatever it is we come up with will remain in the public domain and cannot be copyrighted or trademarked by anyone else.

Interested?
I believe that the Option philosophy and its application in the form of talk therapy and thought process can have a profound effect on our world. However, based upon the number of people familiar with the philosophy and its application, I believe we have not been good stewards of what we been given. I'd like to change that.

If you would like to join me in taking this to the next level, please leave a comment, but more importantly, please email me at mark@tefsoft.com as blogger isn't always great at ensuring that comments actually show up. Even if you're not interested in what I propose per se, I'd love to hear alternatives to what I've outlined above.

Happy Wednesday!
Teflon

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Exactly one year ago, I started the A New Option blog. I was insecure about how to present the teachings I had learned and how to explain the ways in which I personally had changed my life by using these tools. I was starting my own little business, and realized soon that I was not able to explain properly the concepts of my coaching to the people that contacted me. I was trained well in my coaching, but had no idea about how to present my skills in a way that empowered others.

When I started writing I learned very quickly how powerful writing was for me. I had to verbalize what I had learned. I had to develop myself into a teacher that could convey ideas and concepts in a useful way to others. Now I recognize that I held myself back by constantly activating childhood beliefs that said that I was not good at language and expressing myself.

As a kid language was challenging. I wrote right to left, wrote inverted, reversed and confused letters. I could not copy sentences without mistakes for quite some time. I also had problems bringing my words into in thoughts, and was regularly misunderstood when I tried to convey my thoughts. For a long time I felt that my thoughts and feelings were dismissed as unimportant, to which I responded with upset and frustration. Have you ever seen a five-year-old turning red and screaming from the top of her lungs or crying non-stop because she felt frustrated that she could not explain what was going on in her mind? That was me!

Empowerment

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, iris tuomenoksa

For someone who thinks as much as I do, I am quite gullible. It seems my nature (if such a thing exists) to start all relationships with trust, not to require that trust be earned. I always start with the attitude that the other person knows what they're talking about and that they're honest about what they're saying.

Being gullible has served me quite well. It's allowed me to discard and change beliefs that I grew up with as truths. It's allowed me to learn skills that might otherwise have been inaccessible to me. It's allowed me to see past superficial signals and queues that might otherwise have caused me to dismiss the ideas and perspectives of various people from whom I've ended up learning much.

In some instances, being gullible has been a bit expensive. For example, the other day Iris and I decided to actually get me prescription glasses rather than the $8.99 reading glasses that occupy various nooks and crannies scattered about the house and the car. We walked into the Wal-Mart, got our eyes examined and then, with our prescriptions in hand, ventured into the display of frames to pick the ones that would work for each of us.

My prescription called for either bifocals or progressive lenses. As I talked with the salesman about which frames to pick and whether to go with bifocals or progressive lenses, I explained that I spend about 10 hours per day working on the computer. I wanted to make sure that whatever I selected would work for me.

The man assured me that both would work, but that I would have to spend at least a week getting used to the progressive lenses as they often throw people off initially. He explained how great the progressive lenses were and how they would be the most helpful to me given the diversity of my visual experience. I said, "Sounds great! Let's go with the progressive lenses."

He then continued to explain how the progressive lenses, being much more sophisticated, were significantly more expensive than plain lenses or bifocals.

Anyway, $450 later, we walked out of the store with our orders placed in eager anticipation of the arrival of our new glasses.

The Big Day
Nine days later, we walked back into the Wal-Mart to pick up our new glasses. Iris' straight lenses were great. Her frames looked great. She was all set.

I tried on my progressive lenses and was greeted with an experience that was a bit otherworldly. The progressive lenses essentially change from bottom to top. As you peer through the bottoms of the lenses at things closer, the lenses behave more like reading glasses (magnifying what you see). As you move your gaze upward towards the middle, the lenses provide less magnification to the point of providing no correction whatsoever; this allows you to look up from something close (say the menu at a restaurant) to something farther away (say the person with whom you're dining) and see both clearly.

As you move focus even higher, the lenses start providing correction for distance bring things far away into focus. So, if you stand still with say a menu in front of you, a person across the table and a sign of specials on the back wall of the restaurant, by moving your gaze from bottom to top, you can see all quite clearly. That is, if you're sitting still and not moving your head along with your eyes.

If on the other hand, you're a rather animated ADD type who moves his head quite frequently and whose driving style can be calibrated in lane-changes-per-second, the initial experience of progressive lenses can be a bit daunting, perhaps even nauseating.

The man who sold me the lenses told me, "Not to worry, you'll get used them. Before you know it, the lenses will seem normal. The important thing is that you wear them for a week non-stop to allow yourself to adjust."

So, being who I am, my immediate response (despite everything inside me screaming WTF) was to say, "OK!" and we walked out of the store with my glasses not to be removed until I went to bed.

Practice, Practice, Practice
Iris and I proceed to the local mall to procure lunch at the food court. As we sat at the table munching on hot dogs with chili and onions (for me) and fish & chips (for Iris), I started practicing using my sophisticated progressive lenses. Indeed, as I held my head relatively still (no mere feet), I noticed that I could see everything clearly (the labels on the side of the paper containers that held our food), Iris' face (which had mysteriously increased in the number of laugh-lines around her eyes) and the small text the various items listed on menu boards across the food court.

As I nodded my head to make slight adjustments and learned to turn my head so as to avoid using my peripheral vision, I was able to bring everything into focus. How cool!

So, I began practicing looking from this to that and then changing everything up and starting again. Slowly, it all started to come together. It seemed that the guy was right. I was confident that within a couple of days, let alone a week, I would have this progressive lens thing down.

The Moment of Truth
Confident now that this progressive lens thing worked, we marched over to the Starbucks for the moment of truth: using the glasses with my laptop. I pulled my Mac out of my messenger back, sat down with a latte and opened Firefox to get on line. All this before looking at the screen.

And then, the moment of truth. As I looked at the screen, I decided to take the same approach with my Mac that I had taken in food court: I would let my eyes do the navigating as I held my head relatively still.

I glanced up and down without nodding my head and let my head move back and forth to see from side to side, and voila!, of the 2,304,000 pixels on my 17 inch LCD only about 96,000 were in focus. I tried adjusting the position of my head, I tried adjusting the position of my glasses, I tried moving my Mac back and forth, but the only way I could actually bring any arbitrary section of the screen into focus was to move my head around and/or to move the Mac.

Hmmmm.... I must be doing something wrong.

Undaunted, I determined that I would continue until I figured it all out.

Two Days Later
Now I may be gullible, but I'm also extraordinarily confident (some might say over-confident) in my capacity to learn and acquire new skills. After two days full-time use of my progressive lenses, I had everything down, except for my Mac. Walking around the house, driving the car, sitting at a restaurant, watching a movie all went great without any problems whatsoever. Not so with my Mac which continued to refuse to conform to demands of my progressive lenses.

So, I opened myself to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, progressive lenses weren't going to work with my Mac. As soon as I did, the answer came tumbling down like thunder from heaven with the pristine clarity of post-thunderstorm, nitrogen-rich air, "Of course progressive lenses won't work with a computer screen!"

Applying a little Pythagorean Theorem we see clearly (so to speak) that the top of the computer screen is in fact always going to be as close if not closer than the bottom of the screen. If I place my Mac in front of me so that the top of the screen is about level with my eyes and about 20 inches away, then based on Pythagoras, the bottom of the screen (which is 10.5 inches high) will be 22.588714 inches away, i.e., the square root of 10.5 squared plus 20 squared.)

For progressive lenses to work under this scenario, they would have to be inverted magnifying more on top than on bottom. As soon as I dropped my gullibility, the answer was intuitive and easy to see, a definite "well, duh!" experience.

Of course, simply by tipping the screen back a bit, I can create an environment in which every portion of the screen is equidistant from my eyes, which makes the Mac's screen a great target for, well, plain old reading glasses. Hmmm...

To be Gullible or not to be Gullible...
A dictionary definition of gullible is, "marked by or showing unaffected simplicity and lack of guile or worldly experience."

There's a lot to be said for approaching the world this way, you see things you wouldn't see were you to be affected or jaded, a lot of experiences are more enjoyable, and you open yourself to learning that might otherwise remain inaccessible to you.

On the other hand, you end up being, well, gullible which is also defined as "easily tricked because of being too trusting."

The tricky part is that it's hard to be both, as soon as you're not gullible or you start to question whether or not it's OK to be gullible, well, you've already thrown into place so many filters that it's really hard to turn on your gullibility. On the other hand, well, you might end up buying glasses that don't do what you want.

In my case, I'm thankful for the new progressive lenses because, even though I can't use them effectively for working with my Mac, I can see that Iris must smile and laugh a lot. Further, because I was so gullible and trusting, I was able to adapt to my progressive lenses in just a day or two. I can still use my $8.99 reading glasses with my Mac and my $450 progressive lens glasses for everything else. So, I see the whole experience as net positive.

What about you? Are you more naive and gullible or more worldly and jaded? Whichever you are, how does it serve you? How might being the other be useful?

Happy Monday!
Teflon

Labels: all blogs, gullible, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Do our beliefs create our future?

This world is a fantastic place and I always wanted to figure it out completely. I remember being sixteen and having these long conversations with my high school friends about how life works. I used to search and search for answers and finally I started feeling that I found my path when I found Option.

Later on I got into spirituality, learnt other perspectives and realized the basics are all the same. What I read in spiritual books I find in Option books. Some of the thoughts might be written a bit differently, but seem to have the same meaning. I guess we all head towards the same understandings, but we get there walking different paths.

As we are all different, we all have preferences to different philosophies and religions. A very popular topic right now seems to be to manifest, and attract things into our lives. Lots of spiritual teachers sell the belief that holding positive thoughts about a future event will draw that situation into our lives. When I first explored this process, I made myself scared by thinking "Oh I am attracting all these negative things because I have fearful thoughts regularly".

When I started working through my fears, I opened myself up to a more positive view. I started reading again about manifesting and realized it is an amazing concept. After I discovered the beliefs that did not result in positive thoughts and feelings, and changed them into beliefs that made me feel great, I actually I got myself to a place where I could start attract positive things into my life.

I started to realize that by spending time on discovering and changing my beliefs to become more positive, I create a solid space from which I can live positively naturally and which results in more creativity in my live.

Labels: all blogs, barbara balla, beliefs, law of attraction

Every Friday until November 7, 2010 you will find entries from a series written by Iris about her training to run the New York marathon in 2010. It is something she never aspired to do; she has never run a distance of more than 2 kilometers in her life. In this series she describes her adventures and how she works on her beliefs to transform her challenges and successes into one great experience.

Sometimes things seem easy, other times things seem hard. This week’s marathon training was very, very challenging. And I did quite some unhappiness during the week. Let me tell you...

Last week, after running the 5K in the cold and snow, I ended up with some painful tendons around my knees. I decided to take some rest, and do some replacement non-impact exercising for a couple of days. My theory behind it: by giving the injury time to heal it would disappear.

But it didn’t. Instead it got worse: an irritation that only shows when I run, not when I cycle or use the elliptical machine. And with the persistent irritation, I became persistently more irritated, frustrated and grumpy...


Dragging Up the Past
You have to know that this pain reminds me of something that happened when I was in my teens.

At fifteen, I began to experience similar pain during the summer holidays and it did not go away until I was in my twenties. My dad bought me a moped for my sixteenth birthday, which helped me to go with my friends to the beach, and easily go to school. Everyone on the bike, while I followed by moped.

I remember an outing with my boyfriend’s family where my boyfriend drove me around in a wheelchair. I remember months of not being able to walk from one side of the living room to the other side, and I remember lots of pain when moving from one classroom to the next.

Labels: all blogs, frustration, iris tuomenoksa, marathon

Jaedon  went to the doctor today!  I was (mostly) happy and comfortable for the entire visit!!  Let me give you some background so you can know how huge this is.

Jay is hypersentive to light and sound.  He has NEVER tolerated doctor's intruments being used anywhere near his body, especially the ones with lights.   This phenomenon did not mysteriously start with his autism diagnosis at 30 months.  This started at birth.  So, at 5 months old when he somehow scraped his eye ball with a finger nail, The pediatrician didn't have the privilege of actually seeing the scrape because he would not allow anyone to hold his eye lids apart to look inside his eye.  Honestly, 2 adults working together couldn't get a 5 month old baby's eye lids to co-operate.  The power of the human spirit with a strong intention!

• Jaedon spent about 10 minutes examining the doctor's instruments!  He looked at the light, turned it every which way, flicked it rapidly from side to side, put it in his ear, I pretended to look in the ear and congratulated him for letting me.
• The doctor let him do all this!!!  She didn't even blink when he whisked the gadget down and began his thorough examination.  I have to admit that in that moment, I was tempted with discomfort (How much do these things cost?).  Her calm helped remind me how useful it is to stay calm, though watchful, in moments like these.  I love this woman!

1. Examine a situation for unnecessary stressors and change them
2. The power of a clear intention is ... powerful
3. Unpleasant doctor's visits today don't mean unpleasant doctor's visits tomorrow.  I can throw out the belief that all doctors visits will be horrible.  Not only am I growing and changing, but so is Jay!

Labels: autism, faith clarke, intention

So much of our lives is spent waiting, sometimes actively, sometimes passively, sometimes with great resistance... and yet, wait we do.

Sometimes our waiting wears a disguise and we call it indecision. But it's not really indecision, it's just a decision to wait... to wait and see... to wait for someone else to decide for us... to wait for another opportunity.

Sometimes frustration and fear masquerade as waiting... when we're stuck in traffic... when our children are late getting home from dates... when we want to know the results of the diagnostic test... when we want to hear the words "I forgive you"... But these are not really waiting. Fear, frustration, anxiety all come from being physically trapped in time while our minds race ahead of our bodies. Our minds are doing anything but waiting.

Then there are times when waiting comes quite easily: where we anticipate, but don't race ahead. We know what is coming and yet we're fully present in the moment... just waiting.

Waiting can be renewing and refreshing. It can be calming and freeing.

Paraphrasing a bit, C.S. Lewis once said that the present is the intersection of time and eternity.

For me, to wait, is to be eternal, even if only for a moment.

I waited this morning... I felt the air fill my lungs. I felt the blood coursing through my veins. I felt the cold wind doing its best to invigorate me. I heard the clock ticking... and the waves rolling... and the heating system blowing. And I waited...

I wanted to share my waiting with you.

Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Watching the Olympics provides a great opportunity to see the effect of attitude on performance. Last night, Iris and I watched the Paired Figure Skating Short Program competition. Although, we were watching world class skaters, the expressions of attitude varied dramatically. Some couples seemed to be completely at ease both with their performances and with each other. Others seemed to be quite tense and even fearful.

Interestingly, the couples who seemed most at ease also seemed to fare best in the competition. As the broadcast switched from sport to sport, this combination of being more relaxed and performing better seemed to go hand-in-hand.

Learning to Perform
I went to music school in Boston at a place called Berklee College of Music. In many ways, Berklee can be a tough place to learn music; it's highly competitive with really good competitors. The expectations and demands are high.

I remember the first day of my ear-training class where the teacher dropped the needle in the middle of a Coltrane solo and said, "Write this down." And some of my classmates did. So you learned to do it, or you didn't. When I was there, almost half the freshman class didn't come back the next year.

The cool thing about Berklee was this: if you really, really wanted to learn music and to work in music, Berklee was the place to go. They had more graduates working in music than any other school.

Attitude is Everything
Much of what I learned from my teachers at Berklee wasn't so much about the technical aspects of music as it was from how they approached music and the attitudes they brought to their approach. My composition and arranging teacher had been a really great guitar player whose carpel-tunnel had made it impossible for him to play without great pain. And yet, he seemed completely undaunted. While actively pursuing various measures to correct the challenges of carpel-tunnel, he began playing keyboards with his good hand.

One day, while talking about these nifty electrodes attached to his his wrist and elbow (it was the late 70's), he explained that prior to becoming a musician, he'd been a painter. He loved art and wanted to make a career of it. However, somewhere in the process, he discovered that he was completely colorblind.

His teachers told him that there was no way for a colorblind artist to make it as a professional. "No worries", he replied. He would simply work exclusively in monochrome (work in just a single color with varying degrees of light or brightness). He spent weeks working on various pieces that were just blues or just reds or just oranges, etc. He then brought some in for review proudly displaying what he'd done.

One of his instructors commented, "I thought you were going to work only in monochrome?" to which he replied, "Yeah, I did... didn't I?"

So, he decided to become a musician instead. No matter what, he always moved forward. His attitude was always optimistic and upbeat. He was a real inspiration.

Just a Little Extra Walking Around Money
My theory teacher was a gruff and curmudgeonly guy who totally knew his stuff: not just from a memorization or by the book perspective, but from a complete, working understanding that allowed him to visualize and hear every concept he taught. Everyone was pretty much afraid of him. In addition to teaching a Berklee, he was also one of the top local sax players in Boston. When national tours would come to town, he would often get picked up to fill in the local shows.

One day, after a performance the night before, he commented on attitude and playing sax. He said that, whenever he gets picked up to play with a touring act, he's much more likely to make a mistake than the guys doing it all the time. And yet, when he does make a mistake it's gone. On the other hand, when a touring guy does make a mistake, it's a guarantee that he'll make at least two to four more.

He went on to say that, for the touring guys, the tour is the gig. For him, it's just a little extra walking around money. He didn't get all wound up about making mistakes; they were just mistakes. For the touring guys, mistakes were much more.

The Drunks, Druggies and Sex Fiends
Of course, not everyone at Berklee shared the outlook of the guys I mentioned above. There were people there for whom their music was who they were. They made themselves as people indistinguishable from themselves as musicians. The result was manic: when they were performing well, life was wonderful, and when they weren't...

I think that one of the reasons that you see so much abuse of drugs, alcohol and sex in music is that musicians so often lose their identity independent of their music.

Two Boat Anchors
Of course, the phenomenon of identifying yourself based on external factors is not limited to musicians and artists. When Iris and I were looking around for someone to marry us, we stumbled upon this really sweet Buddhist justice of the peace in Arlington, MA.

As we met with him to review our concept of the wedding and what we would do, he produced a couple of samples of wedding vows. As Iris and I read them, I could feel her head shaking in sync with mine. The vows were full of language regarding soul-mates and other halves and finding and completing one another. In unison, we said, "These will never do."

Yet, I imagine that, these being standard vows and all, many people actually use them. In essence they deliberately enter a relationship where neither partner stands alone, where they become mutually dependent. Do people really believe that they complete each other? (That's actually not rhetorical on my part.)

In business, we'll often describe the proposed merger of two struggling companies as tying together two boat anchors hoping that they'll float. I think this analogy is aptly applied to the "you complete me" phenomenon. Whenever "need" and "self-definition" enter the mix of reasons to be together, they have a way of forcing out all the others. Unless you have two strongly independent people who come together because of synergy (e.g., 1+1=3), then you're kind of doomed. Not doomed to failure or death or whatever, just doomed to the mania that comes with mutually dependent self-definition.

What Defines You
Each of us is defined in some degree by our activities, our passions, our families, our jobs and the circumstances of our lives. Yet, the degree to which we do so varies significantly. Further, I would wager that the volatility in one's happiness is directly proportional to the degree to which one defines himself externally. If you're highly defined by your work, your kids, your partner, your art, your weight, then you probably experience lots of ups and downs. If you're mostly just who you are independent of all the above, then you're probably pretty consistent.

Even your mode of self-definition can vary from time to time. I have friends who, when they're feeling physically strong and healthy, are the most confident and independent people you'll ever meet. Yet, when they feel less than strong or can't work out due to injury, they not only lose their confidence regarding their physical capacity, they lose their confidence in other areas as well: at work, in relationships, with money.

So, how volatile are you emotionally? Do you have highs and lows, ups and downs? Or, are you consistent day to day? Do experience dramatic change coincident with changes in circumstance? Or, are you an emotional rock that doesn't vary or fluctuate with changes in the weather?

If you do experience emotional volatility, what are the external factors that you're using to define yourself? Why are you using them? How would you define yourself without them?

Have a great week!
Teflon

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

In designing exercises to go with Teflon's series on Option basics, I first thought to write about identifying beliefs and whether or not they were happiness fueling. Then it occurred to me that I might want to start with something more basic, so I moved to situations (stimuli) that cause responses. But then it occurred to met that even this might not be basic enough, so I decided to start with responses. Before we look at beliefs or stimuli, we want to learn to identify our responses and whether or not they're happy, unhappy or neutral.

Think about it, how many times have you asked someone whose face was turning red and whose voice was getting increasingly louder whether or not he was angry, and he responded, "No! I'm not angry!"

In those moments we deny what is being observed because we have judgments about being angry. "Being angry is bad", so we respond with "I am not angry". So, the first step in applying Option is to identify our responses and whether or not they are happy, unhappy or neutral. To do this effectively, we must learn to observe ourselves without judgment. You are a little miracle; you can change moods and feelings so fast, it's incredible. You can go from happy to unbelievably angry in just a few seconds. Isn't that wonderful!

My thinking is that these exercises will be self-extinguishing. After you do them for a while, the new thought processes will become so automatic that you do not have to think about them anymore. Compare it with driving a car. The first couple of times you had to think about everything: giving gas, remembering where the brake was, how to turn on the lights, learning to use the mirror, keeping track of the other cars around you, etc. This is just a partial list of all the things we had to learn, and most of us do it after a while without thinking; we drive on automatic pilot, while listening to the radio or our friends talking to us. Some people even run meetings from behind the wheel.

Exercise 1: I feel... A. Happy or B. Unhappy
Once a day, sit down with a piece of paper or with your computer and write down five things that happened where you felt happy, and five things where you felt unhappy that day. If you do this in the morning, you can take the day before as your inspiration.

Example: (it's early morning here, so I'll draw from yesterday).

I felt happy about:

1. having bought myself a pair of new running shoes
2. having seen some of the Olympics
3. having discussed my blog exercise with Mark
4. having found some good exercises for my legs
5. my dad called to check in with me
   
   

I felt unhappy about:

1. the Myrtle Beach marathon being canceled
   
2. my drinking caffeinated coffee
3. my goose bumps
4. the pain in my knees
5. my Internet connection changing on me all the time

Exercise 2. Symptoms of Happiness/Unhappiness
Now that you have identified some happiness and unhappiness from the last 24 hours, look at your thoughts, feelings, actions and beliefs that accompanied your happiness and unhappiness. For each of the five happy responses and five unhappy responses, write down what you were doing, thinking, feeling and/or believing. What was inspiring about the situations that inspired happiness or unhappiness?

The following answers are each related to my answers to Exercise 1.

Thoughts, feeling, beliefs and actions surround happy experiences.

1. While driving home, I was thinking about how comfortable my shoes would be running. I thought of how I would not have to run with wet shoes because I had a second pair. I told Mark excitingly about it at different occasions during the day with a big smile
2. When I finally found a television station at the end of the day that showed the Olympics I sat myself in front of the television and I didn't move. I was no longer available for conversations, chitchat, or phone calls. I was just present watching.
3. While discussing my exercise with Mark, I first got a little irritated because I created this great exercise that turned out to be too complex to start with. When I recognized I was using frustration, I let go and embraced the conversation to move the exercise in a new direction that would be very useful.
4. I believe that some exercises for my legs and knees are better then others. When I tried out some yesterday, some tension that I had felt building up over the last week disappeared. I realized that I was on the right track. As a teenager I had long lasting knee problems and I believe that I can take actions to avoid this happening again.
5. When I think about the call with my dad, I have to smile. He sounded so happy.

Thoughts, feelings, beliefs and activities surrounding unhappy experiences.

1. My first thoughts regarding the Marathon cancellation were: People have been training for this marathon so long and then it just disappeared on them. If the organization had decided to start later in the day, the weather would not have been a problem. They could have done better. But during the day I started to think: the organization is responsible for people's well-being. They were afraid cars would slide into the runners. Changing the time is hard with so many volunteers who all have their jobs to go to etc.
2. Coffee has a dehydrating effect on me and I am not that good in holding water anyway, so I better not drink it. I tell myself that I shouldn't do this anymore! I judge myself.
   
3. I am writing in the local supermarket cafeteria where it is cold and all my muscles are starting to cramp. I notice that I have a frown on my face and eyes as if this will help warm myself!
4. Over the last week, I started to slowly feel some pain in a tendon around my knee. As a teenager I had lots of knee problems, so I am aware that I have to take this seriously. I started to feel a bit nervous and focus extra attention on it. Only after I realized what I had done in my twenties to get rid of it, and how I could implement that into my daily life, I started to feel OK with it.
5. I have felt a bit out of control with my Internet connection. Some moments it is great, other moments it is gone. Sometimes, the connection drops in the middle of a work phone call and I get irritable. I know irritation does not work with computers, but I am sure as hell trying to make it work!

Exercise 3. Embrace Yourself
By now, you have a written a full page about yourself. The words say something of who you were today (or yesterday). The say nothing about who you will be.

The last step of the exercise is the most important one. Looking straight on at who you were today, it's time to fully embrace and accept yourself. As you read what you wrote look for places that you judge what you felt, thought, believed or did. Then, turn the judgments around by actively accepting yourself knowing that you were doing the best you could in the situation (even if you want to do something else next time).

As you do this, don't rewrite what you did or censor it. Take it straight on without excuses or what-ifs or change. Just see you and accept you. When we censor our actions rather than changing our judgments of our actions, we end up creating a detachment from ourselves and the world around us. The goal is not denial, it's dropping judgments.

So, embrace all you have written down by telling yourself, "Yes, this is who I was today and I am perfect."

Who you are today, doesn't say anything about who you will be tomorrow or one year from now. Changing who you are and how you respond starts with actively acknowledging how you've respond and what you felt, believed, thought and did.

Labels: all blogs, exercises, iris tuomenoksa, option

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina! 5K! My first race!
After four weeks of practicing running, what would it be like? What would happen?

Yesterday, the news castes made it clear: the snow covering the rest of the US would not bypass South Carolina and it was not clear that the 5K would be run that evening. Luckily the snow stayed away most of the day and the organization decided to let the run go on. Yeah! (note: this morning the half-marathon and marathon were canceled because of the weather.)

Half an hour before the race, I arrived at the starting line. People were jumping around to keep themselves warm. No shorts where worn, everyone was dressed in long sweatpants and layers of shirts. NorthFace clearly has a huge customer base among runners.

Everyone was excited and ready. As we were counting down, the first snow flakes started to fall. What a surreal experience. I had to laugh because I thought it funny that the snow was joining me in my first experience so far from home. Who could have imagined this happening on the beach in South Carolina where normally it is around 50 - 60 degrees Fahrenheit at this time of the year.

People were asked to line up by their relative speed and so I diligently had put myself towards the back of the group. I knew I would not be one of the fastest and wanted to make sure others who were faster than me wouldn't get stuck behind me.

Mile One
Over the first mile, I spent a lot of time passing others, people running next to each other at speeds that felt too slow for me. It reminded me of times I walk with Mark through busy shopping areas and we pass people by walking faster, finding little holes between baby strollers, kids, and parents so we can be on our way.

As I moved through the crowd, I experienced different attitudes and emotions. Towards the back, people seemed to use suffering as a way to motivate themselves to keep going. You could hear sighing, whining and complaining pretty much everywhere. I guess that these were probably first timers like me, but ones who were not confident that they could run the complete distance, or who somehow believed that suffering and complaining would get them to the finish!

After passing this group, I got to a new area where children were running with their parents and where other groups ran together who had cheerleaders running with them. People called out, "Come on you can do it!" or "You have been running 5 minutes!" or "Wow, look at that snow, amazing!"

What a different attitude! What fun!

Finding My Groove
As I found a comfortable pace, I got into a quiet group, the group of people who knew they could run the complete distance, but for whom it was also still a challenge. Not the fast ones, not the complaining ones, but the between ones focused on breathing, pacing and muscles.

Here, I passed some amazing fast walkers. I have never seen anyone walk that fast before. I was in awe.

I also was in awe at all the children running. And I was especially in awe and grateful for the spectators who were standing along the sideline, cheering us on while it was snowing. They didn’t care I wasn’t their daughter running by, they didn’t care that I was not their friend, they just cheered and wanted to create an atmosphere of support for everyone running.

The Third Mile
After two miles I got tired, but by then I also knew I would make it. I knew that I could make the finish without having to walk one step. I could do my first run, running all the way. However, This last part of the race seemed to me to be quite long. I heard people celebrating at the finish line, but it sounded sooooo far away, and after every corner where I expected to see finish line, there was another corner in the distance…

By the time I got to the finish, I did not speed up, but I also did not slow down. I ran, and ran, and ran until everyone started applauding and I knew I was there. My first thought when I arrived: I wanted to drink, I wanted to eat, and I wanted to find a bathroom…. Forget celebration. Forget being proud. I just wanted to pee!

However, my celebratory part showed once my senses were satisfied. Wow I did it! I did it! I did it! I am a runner. I am a runner.

Hieper de pieper de piep, Hoera (a Dutch expression in celebrations).

The Results
Here some quick stats: there were 673 runners; I finished as number 361, at 33 minutes 17 seconds. The fastest female ran 21 minutes 49 seconds and the slowest 57 minute 38 seconds.

What an amazing experience! Now I know I can do it and I believe you can do it too. Just like the other 672 children, adults, parents and grand parents. So, I invite you to join me in this process. My next target is running a 10K on April 11, 2010.

What, when and where are you going to run? If not running, what would you like to do that you've never done or never thought you could do?

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, marathon

Over the past week or so, we've been digging into the basics of the Option philosophy and it's application to unhappiness. Option is a moving-away from method. We start with whatever it is we're unhappy about, we look it straight in the eye, we take it apart and ferret out the root belief that is causing it, and then we change the belief. All of this is based on moving away from unhappiness, not moving towards happiness. Option is quite effective at this.

Another approach to unhappiness is to simply conduct activities and pursue beliefs that make us happy. We humans have a great advantage over the gods in that we're finite. In order to do any one thing, we have to give up some other thing. Believe it or not, even our unhappiness is finite in nature. Every ounce of unhappiness is an ounce less of something else; every ounce of something else is an ounce less of unhappiness. We can view happiness and unhappiness as a zero-sum game; in the end it all nets out.

Now all you foo-foo types who see happiness as endless, limitless and infinite, just hold on for a minute. Viewing happiness and unhappiness as finite (as a trade-off) is good news. Because they're both finite, we can eradicate unhappiness simply by displacing it with happiness.

Right Tool for the Job
One of the things I've talked about before is the phenomenon of, "If all you have is a hammer, then every challenge looks like a nail."

This phenomenon occurs quite frequently among those of us who enthusiastically put into practice the Option philosophy. Option is great for isolating and breaking down our beliefs that cause unhappiness and then rebuilding them in a way that no longer causes unhappiness. However, Option is not particularly good at making happiness bigger. If you want to displace unhappiness rather than breaking it down, you'll need another tool.

Specificity and Generalization
The reason Option is not particularly good at making happiness bigger is that, by design, Option makes things smaller. The lynch pins that hold Option together are clarity and specificity. We start with a big unhappiness and we break it down into smaller and smaller parts driving towards clarity and specificity. While the big aggregate unhappiness is difficult to get your arms around, the tiny components are much easier to manage.


This is the essence of what makes Option work. All the rest (the questions, the model of stimulus-belief-response) are just a framework to help us get to clarity and specificity.

However, making things smaller doesn't work very well if your goal is to actually make something bigger. That's why, if you've ever tried to use the Dialogue to build up happiness (optimism, positive outlook), it probably hasn't worked very well: certainly not in its pure form.

So, if you want to use displacement as a way to become happier, then you'll want to use something other than Option to do it.

Playing to Your Strengths
The approach to making happiness bigger is basically inverted. Start with something small that you really love, that you really want to do, that makes you happy, but that you don't do or feel you can't do. Call up some positive beliefs about what you want to do and make them bigger. Since specificity breaks down beliefs making them smaller, specificity isn't the way to go. Instead, you want to become more general in order to expand your beliefs.

Now, if you're good at unhappiness, you're undoubtedly good a vague generalizations. I just know that you've said things like, "Sigh... I'll never get past this" or "Why does this always happen just when I'm..." or "I must be the world's worst..." If you're an unhappiness aficionado then using vague generalities should come completely naturally.

All you have to do is re-target your generalizations from your unhappiness producing beliefs to your happiness producing beliefs. Rather than deciding to believe that you could probably lose a few pounds someday, maybe... decide that you're going to become the healthiest most fit person in the world. Rather than trying to get over your self-consciousness and fear of making presentations, decide that you're going to be the absolute best speaker and presenter in your entire company. Making your beliefs big, bold and general is the essence of becoming positive, optimistic and happy.

Since we're displacing unhappiness, once you've come up with your big, bold, generalized happiness fueling beliefs, spend at least as much time thinking, writing and talking about them as you did your unhappiness fueling beliefs.

Hand-in-Hand
Once you've built up some really big, generalized positive beliefs about what you want to do, you can bring specificity back into play in order to discern how to get from point A to point B. Remember, if you want to break things down into easy manageable chunks, Option is great and specificity is the key.

However, here's the kicker. As you get small and specific in terms of your action plan, you want stay big and general in regard to your beliefs. You want to dig into the nitty-gritty details of how to get where you want to go while maintaining really inspiring generalizations of how easy, wonderful and great it's all going to be.

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, option

Every Friday until November 7, 2010 you will find entries from a series written by Iris about her training to run the New York marathon in 2010. It is something she never aspired to do; she has never run a distance of more than 2 kilometers in her life. In this series she describes her adventures and how she works on her beliefs to transform her challenges and successes into one great experience.


Tonight's the Night!
Tonight I am running my first official 5K race alongside about 700 other runners. I am so excited! What a change I've invoked in myself! Now I look forward to running hard and working up a good sweat instead of not wanting to run, not wanting to participate! Who would recognize me?

Yesterday I picked up my bib (which has my race number) and a chip that I will have to put in my shoe so it can measure the time I take to run the 5K. I walked around a "Running Expo" and drank in the inspiration of all the people around me. Volunteers, organizers and runners were all counting down to the 5K tonight and the half marathon and full marathon tomorrow.

I feel really good and well prepared. I feel really happy about all I've done.

Tomorrow, I will tell you all about my experience running the 5K. Then on Sunday you will find a blog I'm calling "Applying the Basics". I'll provide some practical ideas and examples of the Option basics that Teflon has been outlining over the past week.

I'll be running tonight at 7:00PM US Eastern Standard Time. Send some happy thoughts my way!

Have a happy day!
Iris

Labels: all blogs, iris tuomenoksa, marathon

A quick note. I missed yesterday. So we have two blogs this morning. Please don't miss Faith Clarke's wonderful post "To Sulk or Not to Sulk" below. Teflon

Regarding Tuesday's blog, More Doing, Less Thinking, Sree commented:

Tef: you say "...there actually is no big unhappiness...it's likely that the big unhappiness is a side effect of other smaller bits of unhappiness". Pray tell us more about this one...it seems to stand all by itself.

So, I thought that I'd dive into the concept of no big unhappiness.

There's an old story that goes something like this:

A guy leaves a bar late at night and comes upon his buddy (who'd left the bar an hour earlier) crawling around the parking lot on his hands and knees.

The first guys asks his buddy, "Hey, what are doing crawling around the parking lot? It's nearly two in the morning!"

The buddy responds, "I dropped my keys and can't find them. I've been crawling around here for an hour!"

The first guy joins his friend in looking for the errant keys, first walking about, then stooping to look, and finally joining him crawling from place to place.

After another hour passes, the first guy comments to his friend saying, "I don't know where your keys could be. There's plenty of light from the street lamp. I'm sure that if they were here, we would have found them by now. Are you sure you lost them here?"

His buddy stands up brushing himself off and declares, "No, I lost them way over there, but the light's much better here."

Where Are You Looking?
If you experience stubbornly persistent, big unhappiness that you'd really like to overcome, then it could just be that you've been looking for answers in the wrong place. The thing about big unhappiness is that it's, well... big. It's bright. It's like a beacon in the night among all the smaller, less brightly lit bits of unhappiness. As such, big unhappiness tends to draw most of our attention while the little bits of unhappiness go unnoticed.

If you've been frustrated in your attempts to use Option to chase down and eradicate your biggest, most elusive forms of unhappiness, you've probably cycled through the same sets of beliefs more than once (or twice, or a perhaps hundreds of times). You've probably dialogued repeatedly covering the same ground and coming to the same conclusions. And yet nothing changes. (For the sake of the theoretically inclined or addicted, I know that something always changes, but, hey, we're trying to get something done here.)

If you've experienced this cycle (or something similar), I would dare to say that doing the same thing another hundred times probably won't get you where you want to go.

Why Not Just Decide?
Let's start with why we need Option in the first place. Remember, Option is for people who don't believe that happiness is a choice. So, the first question would be, "Why don't you believe that happiness is a choice?"

The answer lies in the levels of indirection (the steps) between our unhappiness and the source of our unhappiness. If everything were simply direct cause and effect (A directly causes B), then deciding to be happy would come quite easily. I could simply look at A and decide not to be unhappy about it. However, it's not usually (if ever) the case that cause and effect are so closely related. Usually the source of our unhappiness is several if not many steps removed from the immediate experience.

It seems that every time I've seen people finally overcome persistent unhappiness, it's been because they explored something that seemed to be completely unrelated to their unhappiness. I wrote the other day about a guy whose smoking cigarettes was not so much due to addiction to nicotine as it was to not managing anger. I wrote a while back about how Mark K and my dad overate and overdrank (respectively) in response to feeling depressed... which in turn was a response to being bored... which in turn was a response to inactivity... which in turn...

So, the reason deciding to be happy (in the specific, not the general sense) doesn't work is because the subject of our decision isn't the source of our unhappiness. We decide not to be unhappy about thus and such (our jobs, our partners, our finances, our weight, our schedule), and it doesn't work or it doesn't stick.

A Miracle Cure
The reason that Option is so effective (when properly applied) is that it's great at getting past the brightness and bigness of the immediate, supposed source of unhappiness and ferreting out the root cause of unhappiness. I would venture to say that, correctly used, Option can eradicate any unhappiness with just a single application.

So, the question becomes one of, "what do you mean by 'properly applied' or 'correctly used'?"

Good question.

Although I'm sure I could stretch this out into a long dissertation on the proper application of the Option method to persistent unhappiness, the answer involves just two words: specificity and relevance. Forget theory. Forget stimulus-belief-response. Forget whatever you've learned. We're going back to the 'happy detective'.

Follow the Thread
A couple of metaphors for the Option self-explorer are happy detective and happy alien.

As we explore the beliefs that drive our unhappiness, we take the role of a happy detective who explores all clues no matter how relevant or irrelevant they may seem to be. We take the role of a happy alien who doesn't know anything and therefore can make no assumptions, but instead must ask questions that lead to greater specificity no matter how obvious the answers may seem to others.

When we dismiss avenues of exploration as irrelevant, we end up bypassing potential exit ramps from our cycles of unhappiness. When we dismiss details as unimportant or obvious, we can completely overlook the very answers that we so intently desire.

Betcha a dollar that, if you're someone who consistently experiences the same unwanted unhappiness, it's not just that you suck at Option, but that you specifically suck at pursuing 'irrelevant' paths of exploration with intense specificity and lack of assumption.

No Big Unhappiness
So, back to no big unhappiness. If the causes of our big unhappiness were themselves big, then they'd be big, bright and easy to see. The reason we can't find them is that they're small and hidden in vague irrelevance. Option is great because it's specifically designed to ferret out even the smallest, most seemingly innocent causes of our unhappiness.

When we do Option but leave out specificity and assume relevancy, we throw out the most important two components of the method. We have a beautiful car that has everything but steering and brakes.

I'd like to invite you to revisit some of your big unhappiness and explore it as a happy detective or alien. Nothing is irrelevant, nothing unimportant or insignificant. Drill down with great specificity until you get HD clarity and see what happens.

Teflon

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, option, philosophy

My flight to Orlando leaves 6:25 am 2/11/2010. Isaiah and I are going to have a much needed weekend break. I planned to attend a conference in Orlando and I convinced him to come with me. We booked our trip almost 2 days earlier than needed and I am really excited to be away, in a warm spot (NO SNOW), sitting in a hot tub, relaxing, with my honey! The Ultimate!

That was how I was thinking yesterday. Today,I face the cancellations of all the flights in our area due to the 12 inches of snow on the ground and winds at 30 mph. There are no available flights to Orlando until sunday. Am I disappointed to be missing the conference? Somewhat. But I can find another one. So why this deep sadness about no trip to Florida this weekend? It's as if I believe the opportunity won't come again for a long time....

I created this entire trip for us. I organized childcare and negotiated with Isaiah, who has taken no vacation in 5 years. I scraped money from odd places. I looked forward to it like a marathon runner looks forward to the spot where they get the much needed sip of water (I think...I have never done a marathon).

Why sadness? I think I'm sulking. I want accolades for the level of detail in the arrangements I made. I want Isaiah to pick up the vacation planning baton and run with it. I don't think he will and I don't want to restart all the planning.

I'm sulking because I didn't get what I want. It reminds me of an episode of The Practice that I watched: A doctor's 15 year old daughter is pregnant and wants to get married to her boyfriend: a chaotic situation at best. The doctor is struggling to even talk to her daughter,and is talking with her friend,a psychologist. At the end of the conversation, the psychologist said 'You want to check out because you didn't get what you want'

Is that what I'm doing? Instead of engagement and moving forward,I want to sit in my corner and feel bad? To what end?

Sulking comes from a place of believing that a positive,upbeat attitude will not get me what I want. I would like external resources (people around to say and do particular things to feed me emotionally and help me to plan the vacation!) and I think sulking will draw attention to my need. Sulking is useful if it energizes the people around you to give you what you want.

I have done it for 4 hours or so now and I'm not finding much value in it. It may get me some sympathy. Girlfriends are full of 'hush' and 'hugs'. My mom said "Great,so you can do my hair tomorrow!" So much for sympathy. Isaiah isn't a girlfriend, so no 'hush' and 'hugs' there. Though acts of sympathy from him would be superficially satisfying, the primary desire is for some time away. The idea of no vacation is downright reprehensible right now. So what will I do? To sulk or not to sulk,that is the question.

OK. Let's pretend. What would it be like if I believed I could go after and get what I want ?

I would:

• energetically negotiate with the hotel in Orlando for a refund or useful credit and if that fails, call the people who want us to look at a time share in Orlando and reactivate that.
• find another free weekend that the babysitters would be available (cross referencing my calendar, Isaiah's calendar and the baby-sitters' calenders)
• use the credit from the airlines to book another flight

That's the plan! Pretending really works! Thanks for listening, Remind me to tell you about my vacation plans next time! After all, I was the one that created the vacation plan in the first place. I'll just do it again!

P.S. I just got an email from a dear friend who said "I guess the universe has another grand plan" Wow! What if I held that belief firm and acted on that? I would excitedly go in search of the new grand plan, the next adventure. I will take that attitude into my re-arrangements tomorrow.

Labels: beliefs, faith clarke, vacation

If you're someone who's struggled for years with the same challenges, then this one's for you. We're going to get over it once and for all.

Running with Iris
As Iris strolled into the house yesterday morning, she proudly announced that she had run four miles. In January, Iris decided to make 2010 really special by doing something she had never done, never would have done and never would have believed she could do. So she decided to sign up for the New York City Marathon in November. Yesterday, after just three weeks of running she reached the four mile mark.

As we talked about her running last night at dinner, Iris pointed out that there were times during her run where she started to feel tired. Her mind would immediately flood with all sorts of thoughts designed to get her to stop: you need to be careful about not getting cramps; you're pushing yourself too hard; you need to save something for tomorrow, and so on.

However, as Iris has been training, she's been paying particular attention to the thought flood phenomenon, and having read a bit about it, she's acquired the habit of simply saying to herself, "Oh, I'm doing it again. I'm just going to get present, focus on my breathing and my running, and not think about anything else."

As we finished our conversation, in summary Iris said, "Yeah, less thinking, more doing!"

Do You Want to Be Happy?
As we've been playing with the question, "What exactly is Option, and what exactly isn't?", one of the concepts that has really caught the attention of many is that, within the Option framework, unhappiness is an involuntary experience that results from beliefs, not a voluntary action. In short, you can be unhappy and not want to be unhappy; happiness is not a choice.

For many of you, this has been a bit of a breakthrough allowing you to get out of the cycle of questioning why you're choosing unhappiness, and get you into the cycle of focusing on the beliefs that are causing your unhappiness. However, I wanted to point out (with far too many negatives) that happiness not being a choice doesn't mean that unhappiness is not a choice.

So, not to mess wif ya, happiness is not a choice, except when it is a choice. In other words, just because you can experience unhappiness for reasons you don't understand doesn't mean that you can't also simply decide to be unhappy.

So, if you're unhappy about something, it may be simply because you want to be. If you're stuck in a cycle or in a specific custom version of unhappiness, the first question would be, "Do you want to be happy?"

Really Bad at Getting Happy?
If in fact, you really do want to be happy, then the next thing to figure out is how to go about it.

If you're someone who uses the Option method and you've spent more than a month (let alone months or years) on the same issue, I would suggest that whatever you're doing ain't working. So, drop the metaphors of the same foot in the same river and notions of incremental growth and change and say it out loud, "I suck at Option!"

Think about it; If you really want to be happy and have access to all these great tools that can help you to become happy instantly, then there's only one viable conclusion, you're really bad at using the tools.

Alternatively, you could say, "It's not me, it's these damned tools!" in which case, I would go with Iris' "less thinking, more doing" or alternatives to Option such as "choosing happiness" or "just stop it!

Applied Option
OK, if you've got this far then:
1. You really do want to be happy
2. You really do buy into Option as a way to get happy
3. You therefore agree that you're not very good at it

The above being the case makes everything else pretty easy. The trick is to distinguish the theoretical underpinnings of the Option philosophy from the practical application of the Option method.

As I listen to many Optiontonians talk about their own cycles of unhappiness or listen to them explaining Option to others, it's kind of like listening to people discussing history, not like people discussing math or music. It comes from the perspective of someone who's memorized a set of rules and looks to experts to tell them which rules are correct and how and when they should be applied. Helping others and themselves often turns into a debate over what is the correct Option way to do thus and such. It's all academic.

This being the case, it's no wonder that people can spend years taking programs at the Institute cycling on the same unhappiness or its variant strains.

So, the key is to get your head out of the books and into the lab. Forget about the theory and get into the application.

Starting Small
Let's say that you were teaching a child to play the piano. Would you start with the Chopin Etudes (where the metronome is clicking along at 180 beats per minute and the page is black with notes), or would you start with Mary Had a Little Lamb? If you wanted to run a marathon, would you start with running a marathon, or would you start with a walking a mile? If you were teaching a teenager to drive, would you throw him into the middle of the Indy 500, or would you take him out to an empty parking lot? (BTW, these aren't really questions.)


Of course, we'd always advise people to start small and develop their skills. Yet, if you look at how people apply Option, they typically aim it at their biggest unhappiness, the one that is most pervasive and long lived, the one that is most stubborn and difficult to deal with. And then they wonder why Option isn't working. Well, to put it simply, duh!

The Option method is something to be learned, practiced and developed. It's not like taking a pill or applying a patch or putting your leg in a cast, it's a skill. If you think of Option in this light, then you would want to start out with something a bit less challenging than the biggest unhappiness in your life. Don't worry about having enough material. If you've got something that big in your life, then you no doubt have many smaller things as well.

As you apply Option to smaller bits unhappiness, you get better at the process. As you get better at the process, you can take on larger bits of unhappiness. And so on.

There is No Big Unhappiness
The final bit here is that there actually is no big unhappiness. If you're struggling with a pervasive and persistent unhappiness that you really want to change, in addition to your being really bad at applied Option, it's likely that the big unhappiness is a side effect of other smaller bits of unhappiness. As you take care of those, the bigger one will dissipate.

So, before taking on why you hate your mother, you might want to start with something simpler like why you don't like broccoli. Before you take one why you can't lose all that weight, you may want to start with why you get bored with conversations that aren't focused on you. Before you take on why you could never finish a marathon, you may want to work on why you always take the elevator even if it's just one or two flights up.

So, enough thinking, it's time to start doing. Start small and make it big!

Teflon

PS If you're looking for a training partner or coach, I would suggest that you not take advice from theoreticians (people who know Option still cycle in their own unhappiness). One of the great things about the mentor certification program is that the mentors are required to put their theory into practice oftentimes being asked to completely resolve in one night an unhappiness that has plagued them for years. If you're going to train and grow with someone, you want to do it with someone who has this level of skill, not simply knowledge.

BTW, this needn't be someone whose done even more than a week or day of training in the Option philosophy. Iris and I have friends who as soon as they got it, everything clicked and they were on their way without ever needing another ounce of instruction. Lose the theoreticians and find the practitioners.

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, option, philosophy

Recently we had some discussions about ADHD and medication, and now I want to suggest another consequence of ADHD: being great at coming up with new ideas.

Creating New Ideas
Today I received an email from a friend in my Danish Option network. We regularly meet to discuss 'Option-related' topics. In the email he asked me for a topic idea for our next meeting. I hadn't thought about it, but I easily came up with five topics without missing a beat. This was what he expected because he also wrote, "or do you have a whole list of topics?"

Whenever I talk with the mom running the Son-Rise program that I volunteer in, I am often in awe of all she has been doing in the playroom since the week before. And yet, as we talk after my session, she always has three new ideas of things to try in the next week. She's never at a loss for ideas.

This skill is very useful when I am teaching meditation. During the classes, many people have challenges when they are asked to meditate at home, but when they tell me about their experiences I can usually help them with ideas of how it might work for them: ideas ranging from listening to music, to meditating two minutes before driving, to doing active meditation while swimming, to meditating while peeling potatoes. I always have enough new ideas to help people.

From time to time, one of my friends will call me with a problem saying, "I have no idea of what to do!"

In this case, she means that she can't think of anything to do.

I'm never at a loss for ideas of what to do. If I do say, "I don't know what to do", it's because I don't know which idea to pursue, or I want some help implementing my ideas, or I'm just becoming impatient.

I've never thought about how I create new ideas. I've never experienced an issue where I have had absolutely no ideas. I do have times where I judge my ideas as "too difficult" or "not likely to work." But, I always have ideas.

Input Delivery Machine
When people ask me for input, I am often surprised by how much knowledge I have on what seemed to be an unknown topic to me.

I was invited to attend a meeting at work tomorrow, because even though it is not directly related to my daily job, it seems that no one else poses as many helpful questions in meetings as I do. I get invited to all kinds of planning meetings to help with creative ideas, everything from workshops to children’s birthday parties.

How do I do this? First I just start talking, mentioning everything that comes to my mind. Then I ask what ideas resonate with others and what ideas don't. We continue from there.

When people ask for input it is often as if the thoughts in my mind fight to see who gets to come out first. I really don't understand how people can sit in a meeting being asked for input and have nothing to say.

Responding to Ideas
Some people are great idea supporters; if you bring up an idea, they'll jump in with a thousand reasons why it is a great idea. I could do that, but I would struggle with all the reasons why it would not be a good idea or why other ideas should also be considered. I have lots of ideas about ideas.

When people present an idea to me, I actually don't always know what to do. I'll usually ask them.

Sometimes people will present an idea to get my input on whether or not it will work. Other times they present an idea they've already decided to go through with.

It's much easier for me when people want me to help them to create ideas than if they want my input on ideas (especially ones they've already decided to pursue.)

What About You?
I believe I may be I handling ideas differently than most people. So now I want to ask you:
Do ideas come easily for you or do you struggle with ideas?
What are times when ideas come easily and what are times when ideas come with difficulty?

Labels: all blogs, ideas, joy vigh strand

If you've ever read the side panel of a bottle of medicine, you've seen the words "active ingredients". The medication may contain many ingredients such as coloring and materials that allow it to take the form of a pill or a capsule. However, these are all simply packaging designed to help get the active ingredient from the medicine bottle to where it needs to be in your system to do it's work.

In applying Option, all the discussion about beliefs, stimuli and responses are the packaging creating a delivery system for the active ingredient: specificity. Without specificity, the rest of the system doesn't really work.

At a high level, the framework goes something like:

1. Identify the unwanted reaction or emotion that you would like to change (response)
   
2. Identify situations in which you experience that response (stimuli)
   
3. Identify what you believe about that situation that is leading to your response (belief)
   
4. Disassemble that belief into its component elements looking for gaps in logic and flaws in assumption
5. Reassemble the belief filling the gaps and fixing the flaws
6. See how you feel based upon the new belief

Without specificity, the framework represents the drug delivery system; it's the drug without an active ingredient, a placebo. However, as we learn to apply specificity to each of the above steps, we empower the framework to help us make really big changes quickly.

Getting Clear and Specific
Let me preface the following discussion by saying that the examples below are just an illustration, not a guide to "picking the right question". Let's start with step one. In helping someone with self-exploration, you might ask, "What would you like to explore?"

And they might respond, "I'm really unhappy!"

You're next question could be any of:

1. Why are you unhappy?
2. What are you unhappy about?
3. What do you mean by 'unhappy'?
   
4. When do you get unhappy?
5. Why don't you just decide to be happy?
   

So, which question would you pick? The answer lies in applying three basic rules of thumb:

1. When it comes to the structure of the exploration, you're the expert helping the self-explorer shine the brightest light possible on what he wants to explore. However, when it comes to the content of the self-exploration you're 100% clueless and therefore incapable of making any reasonable assumptions. Even if you think you know what the other person is talking about, you don't.
   
2. You have absolutely no answers or advice to give, not even answers or advice in the guise of a question. All you can do is ask clueless, structured questions.
3. As the facilitator, you don't set the goals or determine the path of exploration; you simply provide structure, and help drive towards clarity and specificity.

Given the above, question #1 kind of jumps to the end game skipping the structure altogether; however, it can often be construed into 'what are you unhappy about' which can be useful. Question #2 is good in that it's leads to greater specificity and clarity, but indirectly. Question #4 moves right into step two of our process, identifying situations where we experience the unwanted response, but we still don't really know what the response is. Question #5 isn't a question.

However, coming from a totally clueless place and wanting to drive towards greater specificity and clarity, we'd want to ask question #3: "What do you mean by 'unhappy'?"

This may seem a bit counter intuitive, you know, "He said he's unhappy! So, he's unhappy. What more is there to figure out?"

However, we don't know whether unhappy means afraid of losing his job or dissatisfied with his partner or angry at the guy who just cut him off in traffic. So, before exploring the causes of the unhappiness, we might want to start with understanding what the explorer means by 'unhappy'.

Specificity Trumps Structure
Let's say that the explorer says, "I'm afraid of losing my job!"

Sometimes, in our attempts to uncover beliefs, we might stop following and start leading the explorer asking the question, "Why do you believe you're going to lose your job?"

However, the explorer didn't actually say that she believed she was going to lose her job; she just said that she was afraid of losing her job. So, the more useful question (driving towards clarity and specificity) would be, "What about losing your job makes you afraid?"

The explorer might respond with:

1. "If I lose my job, I won't have enough money for rent", or,
2. "If I lose my job, I won't be able to see my friends at work any more", or,
3. "If I lose my job, I'll have to spend more time at home."

With the basic statement, "I'm afraid of losing my job", you simply don't have enough information to ask about a belief. So, you want to keep moving towards specificity.

Even with the above answers all representing beliefs about the future, we would still not want to ask, "Why do you believe that?" Instead, we would want to ask for more specificity. We might want to ask about which friends at work she'd miss or what about spending more time at home makes her afraid.

The reason for this is that getting to beliefs without specificity can lead to conclusions that lack depth and staying power. If you were to simply ask: "Why do you believe that losing your job will mean that you won't get to see your friends", you might get an answer such as, "I guess it wouldn't mean that; I could still see my friends."

You'll have modified a belief, but in a way that actually masks what's really going on for the explorer. You still wouldn't know the explorer's motivation for seeing her friends. Is it as comrades or as colleagues? Is it social or business? Without these details, the results of the exploration can feel a bit off and unsatisfying.

Dialogue Placebos
In the end, it's the specificity and clarity that we bring to beliefs that allow us to change beliefs in a way that is meaningful and lasts. Without specificity and clarity, we can end up dismissing beliefs as irrational or stupid without ever uncovering the rational and brilliant reasons we had for them.

I know a man who struggled for years to quit smoking. After a couple of dialogues in which he explored his "addiction" with great specificity and clarity, he came to the realization that he didn't smoke because he was addicted, he smoked because he used smoking to cope with anger. As he started working through his anger, he commensurately reduced his smoking, until he stopped altogether.

Smoking is a great example of something we make many assumptions about. If his dialogues had gone with those assumptions instead of driving towards greater clarity and specificity, he might still be smoking today.

Homework
Over the next couple of days, spend time in conversation working towards clarity and specificity and following the conversational thread established by the other person. Become aware of the times where you make assumptions without asking for clarification, where you redirect the conversation rather than following the thread, and where you lack the specifics to really know what the other person is talking about.

Forget about beliefs. Forget about judgments. Forget about happiness and unhappiness. Just be clueless, interested and agenda free.

I'd love to hear what you experience as you conduct this little exercise. I'd also love to hear what others experience as you conduct this little exercise.

Specifically, Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, option, philosophy

So we've been having lots of fun with the distinction between choosing happiness and choosing Option. If you recall from my last blog on the topic, Is Happiness a Choice?, we started with the statement that Option is the second best way to become happy, the first is to simply decide to be happy. We went on to see that, if you're actively working through your unhappiness using Option, then in that moment you're actively not believing that happiness is a choice.

Judging Option
This last statement drew some interesting responses via email, phone calls and from Iris, so let's clarify it a bit more:

fundamentally, using Option is just like using cocaine, but with different side-effects.

Iris asked me, why such an extreme example. I think extreme examples often provide much brighter light and greater clarity.

I haven't used cocaine myself, but what I understand from people who have is that cocaine leaves them feeling clear, focused, confident and energetic. In my experience, working through and reconstructing my beliefs leaves me clear, focused, confident and energetic. Cocaine of course has many potent and undesirable side effects (loss of taste and sense of smell, breakdown of nasal cartilage, addiction, financial ruin, prison) that Option doesn't have, but nonetheless, both are ways to become happier that don't involve simply choosing to be happier.

Using Option to become happier is fundamentally no different than using food or money or sex or drugs or medication or psychoanalysis or diet and exercise; your happiness is a side effect of having changed beliefs, not a direct effect of having decided to be happier. All the above can lead to greater happiness; they just vary in their cost, accessibility, effectiveness and unwanted side effects.

I believe that many of us have judgments about good ways to become happier and bad ways to become happier and therefore set Option apart as though it were fundamentally different. It's not; it's just better. Option (the philosophy, not the place or trademarked versions) is simple, is easy to learn and practice, doesn't require special training or degrees, is free to anyone who wants it, has no lasting side effects, can be used any time and anywhere, and it works. Hence, better.

Still, if you could take a happiness pill that had no undesirable side effects, cost nothing and was available everywhere, I would take the pill. If you would have issues with that, then you probably have judgments about Option versus other methods of becoming happier.

Get Over It
Most of what I learned about Option, I learned from tapes that Bears recorded in the early eighties. Although a bit pricey at $160, they're available on CD from his publishing company Option Indigo and I recommend them if you want to get back to the classic Bearsian Option.

One of the things that really hooked me on Option is when Bears said something on the order of, "Ultimately, Option is a self-extinguishing process."

As we practice Option, we build evidence that happiness is indeed a choice. At some point, the evidence tips the scale and we try out deciding to be happy rather than working through beliefs to get happy. As we get better at choosing happiness, our choosing happiness displaces working through beliefs; before we know it, you've become someone who doesn't need Option to be happy: someone who just decides to be happy.

I imagine that when Bears started the Institute, he didn't envision people becoming Option junkies and coming back over and over again to rekindle what he envisioned as a self-extinguishing process. I'm sure that he would have seen repeat offenders as an indictment of what was being taught or how it was being taught. In the end, the effectiveness of how Option is taught and applied can be measured by how quickly it becomes unnecessary. I can't think of a better quality for a product than it's being self-extinguishing.

Wanna Don't Wanna
The other concept that seemed to grab a lot of you is that, within the framework of Option:

Unhappiness is an involuntary experience that is a consequence of beliefs, not a voluntary action. Therefore, one can simultaneously be unhappy and want to be happy.

There is a pervasive belief among many schooled in Bearsian Option that if you're unhappy, it's because you want to be unhappy. Within this school of thought, to say, "I don't want to be unhappy, I just am" would be considered inauthentic and not useful.

This belief is particularly counter productive if your goal is to become happier. By insisting that you must want to be unhappy when everything inside you is screaming, "but I don't want to be unhappy!", you end up looking for answers in all the wrong places. This belief appears to walk hand-in-hand with a judgment that unhappiness is bad.

If instead, you simply view your unhappiness as an unwanted experience that you want to change, you can approach it without judgment and you can start looking in more productive places. Rather than endlessly exploring, "why do I say I want to be happy, when my unhappiness is a clear indication that I want to be unhappy?", you can actually start exploring "why am I unhappy?"

Blue Pill or Red Pill
While talking with Mark K last night about the wanna/don't wanna debacle, he said, "Now that I see I can be unhappy while wanting to be happy, I'm not so sure that I want to be happy! I mean, I might lose all my friends."

When I asked him about this, Mark responded, "At least 90% of my conversations with people are about unhappiness: things we don't like about ourselves and others, things we want to change, and so on. If I were happy all the time, what would I talk about?"

This go me thinking about the happiness pill (or based on the work that Jonathan has been doing, perhaps the happiness chip). And the question that came to mind is this:

If I were to offer you a free pill that you could take once and from then on be happy without any side effects (from the pill), would you take it?

I'm quite curious about how you might answer and why, so I started going through reasons we might have for not wanting happiness. See if any of them resonate with you.

Happiness is Uncool
I think the biggest reason that many of us have for hanging on to unhappiness or not letting it shine too brightly is social acceptance. It starts way before we become teenagers trying to fit in with the cool crowd. At very early ages we begin to learn the benefits of guilt and remorse. We learn that, if we feel badly about what we've done (at least outwardly), then adults don't punish us as harshly as when we don't.

To simply say, "I understand now that my actions have displeased you and therefore I will not repeat them" doesn't in any way go as far as "Oh, mommy, I'm so so so sorry. I feel horrible. I'll never ever do that again!"

Big displays of unhappiness can be quite effective in garnering social acceptance.

On the other hand, if you walk around being happy, people begin to dismiss you as lacking depth or unaware or stupid. How can anyone who sees all that's wrong in the world be so happy!

Happy Vegetable
Another reason to avoid the happy pill is the belief that you'd never do anything. Take an inventory of why you do what you do. How much of what motivates you is based on unhappiness or avoiding unhappiness. Of course, every activity involves a mix of motivations, but you gotta ask yourself... Do I work more because I love my job or because I need the money? Do I spend time with my kids more because I delight in them or because I should? Do I get up in the morning more because I can't wait to start the new day or because I gotta get to work on time?

With so much of our daily activity motivated directly or indirectly by unhappiness, it's easy derive that without unhappiness as a motivator, you might end up not being motivated to do anything!

Happy Sociopath
As I've mentioned before, Iris has been reading books by Martin Seligmen about positive psychology. As she's been reading excerpts to me, it's become clear to me that Dr. Seligmen has uncovered some really great ways to become happier and to have a more positive outlook; it's also become apparent that he doesn't always consider ultimate happiness to be a great idea due to the side effects of being completely happy.

Given how we humans interact (and how much of Mark K's time with friends is focused on unhappiness), it would be easy to conclude that it's our shared unhappiness that binds us together as a species. It's our unhappiness that makes us human. If we were to lose it, we would lose our ability to empathize with and care for others.

Happiness Should Be Earned
At the core our work ethic is the idea that I don't deserve things simply because I'm occupying space and using air. I deserve things because I work for them. I believe that many of us apply this to happiness. If we don't work for our happiness, if we don't earn it somehow, we cheapen it and don't value it.

Happy, but Lonely
Of course, if you were happy all the time and weren't motivated to be with people out of obligation or to share in the latest gossip or to listen to and tell sad tales, then you might end up all by yourself. And then you'd be... unhappy?

Happy, but Bored
While talking about losing all his friends if he were to suddenly become happy, Mark K also mentioned that he just wouldn't know what to do with himself. What would happen tomorrow morning if you never, ever again had obligations or fear of the future or regrets from the past or limits on what you could learn? Would you revel in it or panic?

Happy End of the World
The culmination of all the above beliefs about the downside of happiness is that the world would simply fall apart. Imagine if all at once everyone, everywhere were to become happy! It would be as though the glue that holds everything together (businesses, religions, families, countries, marriages, friendships) would dissolve. The result would be chaos.

Is Happiness a Good Idea?
Although I can relate to and understand the above beliefs and others, I don't buy them. There are cases where I see them play out in the moment, but the results we anticipate are coming from a place of unhappiness and fear.

It's not that being happy wouldn't potentially lead to many changes in your life (new job, new career, new religion, no religion, new partner, new location). It's not that many people wouldn't decide that you're no longer their cup of tea. It's simply that, in the end, we do all this unhappiness for one express purpose... to become happy.

In the movie, The Matrix, Morpheus offers Neo the opportunity to leave the matrix forever or to return to it as though nothing had happened.

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes."

So, what would it be for you, blue or red?

Happy Saturday!
Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, option, philosophy

Every Friday until November 7, 2010 you will find entries from a series written by Iris about her training to run the New York marathon in 2010. It is something she never aspired to do; she has never run a distance of more than 2 kilometers in her life. In this series she describes her adventures and how she works on her beliefs to transform her challenges and successes into one great experience.

This week I am collecting rewards from my training over the last weeks. I did my first three runs outside and they went way better than I had ever imagined. I feel satisfied with my performance, with my persistence, and enthusiasm. In one week I will do my first official 5K run, and I am looking towards this new experience where lots of people are waiting together, and then run together. I am ready.

Or at least almost! One little challenge I've had since yesterday is a cramping calf muscle. Mark was so nice to point out that I probably do not clothe my legs warmly enough and he has advised me to buy some running leggings to keep my big (read: muscled) calves warm. So, I am taking good care of myself by stretching the muscle, doing some massage on the muscle and keeping it warm.

I feel that in the last four weeks I really moved from a non-runner attitude to an athlete attitude. At this point I am not thinking anymore “shall I work out today”, or “what will I do for my workout”, I just make sure there is enough time in my schedule to do my planned workout. If it is too cold outside, I run inside and that’s it. No more, “maybe yes, maybe no” attitude.

Beliefs

• I am a runner. I might be a “beginner runner”, but I am for sure a runner.
• After the tiring first minutes (yes, I still have the overcome-the-first-three-minutes challenge) I can run for a lot longer than I could have ever imagined. (5K)
• I might be a runner, but I am for sure not a jumper! During my outings this week, I experienced different water obstacles that I decided to overcome by jumping over them. My jumps were typically about half the distance required to clear the water.
• I am ready to work towards the 10K distance. Wow, I am a runner!
• My gluten free/dairy free diet helps me to breath easily and keeps allergies away.
• I can be happy and tired at the same time
• I can do it. I believe I can do it. I know I can do it. It will take time for training but I am doing it. Marathon, here I come…

Action Plan

• I have started and will continue to run outside
• I signed Mark and me up for half a marathon in Lake Placid in June
• I found the 10K race I want to sign up for in April and will sign up for it
  
• I have been running and running and running and will keep doing so
  
• At different points when I got tired, I was able to continue running by making small changes to my steps, changing speed, or changing how I placed my feet; I will keep playing with different ways to overcome feeling tired
  
• I have been persistent in my gluten free and dairy free diet; I'm going to keep going with this
  

Next week’s Marathon article will be on Saturday so I can share with you the full story of my first official 5K that I will run on Friday in Myrtle Beach South Carolina. You can expect a lot of “Yippie de Pippie”, “Yeahhh” and “WhhooHoo” celebrations, because I am going to do great!

Well, I’m off to my next training session. What great things are you planning today?

Labels: iris tuomenoksa; marathon; beliefs

This year, I have been really focusing on creating energy for myself. I have been really busy, the children have been wanting my attention a lot!

• Simonne has started to wake up in the nights, just as Jaedon is beginning to go to bed at the reasonable time of 1:30am.
• I often wake up in the mornings feeling like several blows were dealt to my neck and back. Isaiah, feeling the same way, thinks it's Zachary kicking us in the nights (Zach also wakes up every night, and has a particular penchant for sleeping pasted unto someone's body, with feet resting on someone else's body.)
• Jaedon, who is making a lot of progress, feels like he is on 'speed', a rambunctious 3 year old in an 11 year old body. He's all over the place at once, asserting his wants, pursuing them, exploring new things.... particularly his siblings art supplies! He took some of Simonne's painting markers and removed the felt points that put the paint on the paper. She tearfully commented that when Jaedon starts talking more, he will have so many apologies to give!

Labels: energy, faith clarke, gratitude

Over the last couple of days, I've been enlightened by some of the wonderful exchange of ideas that we've had on the blog. In particular, I've come to a conclusion that I believe will sound like complete anathema to many who are avid Optionites, Optionophiles or Option enthusiasts (and come as no surprise to others). Here we go...

News Flash: If you're actively putting into practice the Option philosophy and applying it to daily situations, then you absolutely, positively do not believe that happiness is a choice.

Pretty cool, huh? Now, before you protest (I'm assuming that I'm not the only one for whom this is news). Let me explain.

As I mentioned yesterday, Bruce DiMarsico described the Option Method as "the 'second best method' for becoming happier." The best method is simply to choose happiness. However, Bruce discovered that most people can't grok the best method, so he created Option.

In the framework of Option, beliefs are a choice, not happiness. By changing our beliefs, we can indirectly change our happiness. The idea of exploring and understanding beliefs is much more palatable and accessible to most of us than the idea of simply changing how we feel. Although, we might struggle with how to go about breaking down a belief into its component elements, logical constructs and assumptions, most of us don't see the process as impossible (especially with the help and guidance of someone else).

So, if beliefs are a choice, then what has happiness got to do with it? In the framework of Option, happiness is not a choice, but an experience. One that can be desired or not desired. If you desire to experience happiness, but simply can't get there, then Option can help you become an expert in uncovering, disassembling and reassemblingthe beliefs that drive your experience of happiness, beliefs being something that you can comprehend and change.

So, if you're unhappy and pursuing a dialogue to help you become happier, in that moment you're actively believing that happiness is not a choice: otherwise you would just decide to be happy. Isn't that cool?

Why Does this Matter
Recognizing that Option is for people who do not believe (at least operationally) that happiness is a choice is important on several fronts.

Wanting Something Other than What We're Doing
First, I have know idea regarding folks who've learned Option from Bruce, but people who've learned Option from Bears quite frequently use 'want' as an indictment (even if lovingly so). When someone says, "I don't want to be angry right now; I just am!", you'll often hear, "That's not true! If you wanted not to be angry, then you wouldn't be angry. Therefore, you must want to be angry."

This form of response is fine, it just has no place in Option. In fact, applying Option begins with the recognition of undesired emotions and responses, i.e., emotions and responses that you actively do and yet do not want to do. If you could simply change your emotions and responses through desire alone, you wouldn't need Option. If on the other hand, you're never allowed to want something other than what you're actually doing, you'd never start Option.

So, all you folks that have bought into "if you're doing it, you must want to be doing it", well, that's just a nonstarter.

Choosing Happiness in Retrospect
Second, for most of us, really grokking that happiness is a choice is a post-Option phenomenon. It's not something that we start with, it's something that we end with. And even then, most of us still don't really buy it, we still use Option to become happier rather than simply choosing happiness.

So, if you wanted to share Option with someone whose never heard of it, starting with the premise that happiness is a choice is probably not the best way to establish common ground or mutual understanding. Especially since, by virtue of the fact that you're practicing Option yourself, you don't actually believe that happiness is a choice; you believe that beliefs are a choice.

For someone who unfamiliar with all this, regardless of how you present it, 'happiness is a choice' is easily viewed as an indictment. You know, "Shit, even my unhappiness is all my fault!"

The Path We Follow
Third, the 'what you do is what you want' assumption sets you on a path that leads to really different results than you would get were you to start with the assumption that you are doing things that you don't want. Starting with the latter will get you to the core of what's going on much more quickly than starting with the former. Starting with the former can lead to endless cycles around something that you've already decided you can't do, i.e., simply decide to be happy.

The Role of Intention
Closely related to want is intention. By recognizing that we can actually experience emotions that we don't want, we can better understand our intentions and beliefs.

Quite frequently, our undesired emotions are a second order effect of beliefs focused on some other activity and intention. For example, your intention might be helping your children to grow and develop in a way that will be most useful to them. As you work to do this, you may experience frustration, fear and anger in the moment as your children behave in ways inconsistent with your beliefs regarding their progress towards these goals.

If you respond to your children in that moment with anger, one might say that it was your intention is to respond angrily (which I've heard many of us Optionites say). Alternatively, if you take a longer view of intention, you would see that your intention is actually to be loving and supportive of your children, but that due your beliefs regarding that intention, your actions in the moment are inconsistent with or even opposite to that intention. So, the direct correlation of actions and intentions can be misleading or confusing if your goal is to become happier.

In fact, keeping in mind that you have best of intentions (regardless of what you've done) can be a great starting point for becoming happier. Sometimes, just that recognition will do the trick.

As I get clearer about this, it seems that the idea that our emotions are not something we do, but instead, are side effects of beliefs that are inturn tied to seemingly unrelated intentions is at the core the Option method. Within the framework, it's quite reasonable to do or experience something that you don't intend or want to do or experience.

Isn't that cool.

So...
Maybe it's just me and none of this is news to anyone else, but I'm really excited to get clearer on this distinction.

1. Happiness is a choice.
2. For people who don't believe that happiness is a choice (at least from an applied, practical perspective) there's Option.

Within the Option framework:

1. Happiness and unhappiness are not choices or actions; they're simply experiences
2. We can be unhappy and simultaneously want to be happy
3. Our happiness and unhappiness are tied to our beliefs about situations, events and stimuli
4. With a little help, we can learn how to breakdown our beliefs, understand them and then reconstruct them
5. As we rebuild our beliefs, we change our experience of happiness and unhappiness

OK, not much time this morning, so that's my thoughts for today. Bring it on.

Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Over the past few days, we've been talking about the basics of the Option philosophy. Although, we've been drawing heavily from the work of Bruce Di Marsico and Barry "Bears" Neil Kaufman, we've also been endeavoring to look at the Option philosophy from a core systems perspective defining it in a manner that is free (to the extent that something can be free) of jargon and phrases that have become ambiguous or meaningless through overuse.

Today, I'm going to talk about the definition of happiness.

Review
Here's what we've covered to date via Back to Basics and Even More Basic.
Option, created by Bruce DiMarsico and popularized by Barry "Bears" Neil Kaufman, is a philosophy and a corresponding set of methods that exists independently of any branded or trademarked processes or organizations. The foundational theory on which all the rest of Option is built is that:
In other words, our emotions are a choice, specifically, our happiness is a choice.

Being mutable and voluntary, the simplest way to change our emotional response to any situation is to simply decide to change it (as both Bruce and Bears have said, "Option is the second best way to become happy, the first is to simply decide to be happy.") However, for those who find it difficult to simply decide to be happy, Bruce developed the Option Method.

I've outlined our modified form of the Option method below.

1. Our relative happiness is a not a direct reaction to stimuli, but instead a reaction to our beliefs regarding stimuli.
2. The degree to which a belief influences our happiness is proportional to the magnitude and direction of the charge that we apply to that belief. Strongly charged positive beliefs yield big, happy reactions. Strongly charged negative beliefs yield big, unhappy reactions.
3. By uncovering, exploring and changing the most strongly charged beliefs (the ones that fuel the greatest happiness or greatest unhappiness) in regard to a set of stimuli, we can change our emotional responses to that set of stimuli.
   
4. All beliefs are logical, rational and mutable and can therefore be analyzed, understood and changed.
5. As we become clear on the logic and assumptions that drive our beliefs, we uncover gaps and missteps in our logic and faults in our assumptions. Seeing them, we can change them thereby changing our beliefs.
   
6. By changing our beliefs, we change how we respond.

Based on this, the step-by-step approach to changing an unhappy response is to:

1. Identify the response that you want to change
2. Identify situations in which you respond that way
3. Isolate the specific stimuli that lead to that response
4. Identify the beliefs that you engage in regard to those stimuli
5. Isolate the beliefs with the greatest charge (the ones that most fuel your unhappiness)
6. Break down that belief into its underlying logic and set of assumptions looking for gaps in logic or faults in assumption
   
7. Upon seeing those gaps and/or faults, decide to keep them, change them or discard them

Happiness
In my experience, one of the things that people get hung up on in regard to Option is the word happiness. For many people, happiness is flaky and lacks depth, it's ephemeral and fleeting, it's not something to aspire to per se.

I think we could use a new word, but I'm not sure what that word would be at this point. For now, let's say that happiness is a proxy for a large set of emotions and feelings that we would consider to be positive: satisfied, contented, peaceful, at ease, comfortable, joyous, feeling great, open, accepting, calm, nirvana, etc. You name it.
At first, this may not seem to make sense, but think about it. Let's say that you want to lose 50 pounds. Your belief is that weighing less is good for you: you'll be healthier, you'll run faster, you'll be more attractive, you'll be able to find more clothes that fit, whatever... Because you value the benefits of losing weight, your beliefs about them are positively charged (happiness fueling).

However, at this point, you have none of those benefits. So, in order to motivate yourself, you get unhappy about your weight. You find beliefs that fuel your unhappiness: you're unhealthy, you're in poor physical condition, people find you unattractive, nothing fits, etc. You engage unhappiness in order to get to a place where you can be happy.

This basic pattern of using unhappiness as a motivator to get to happiness is pervasive. We do it with pretty much everything. You get unhappy with the prospects of not having a job (fear) to motivate yourself to study and stay in school. You get unhappy with your job to motivate yourself to look for a new one. You get unhappy with your child's behavior in order to discipline and correct him. We us unhappiness to motivate ourselves and others.

Everything We Do is a Means to Happiness
Now, here's the catch. What we perceive as our end goal (being thinner, having a great job, making a lot of money, raising wonderful children) is really just a means to an end; our end goal is simply to be happier. Ultimately, everything else is just a means to that end.

So, the astute among you are asking, "Well, if I'm doing all this stuff just to become happier and I know that I can become happy at any time, why go through all this unhappiness just to become happy?"

Good question.

In the light of happiness being a choice, the reason that we still do all this unhappiness is that most of us believe that, without unhappiness, we'd never change. We'd never find a new job. We'd never lose the weight. We'd never leave our mismatched mate. We wouldn't properly raise our children. We'd just cycle in our current situations.

However, each of us can identify things we do (or have done) simply because we like to do them. It might be cooking or writing or golfing or skiing or playing music or dining with friends. There are any number of things that we do that are motivated purely from the joy of doing them.

And yet, any one of them can drift into the unhappiness-motivated realm. The joy of cooking can be replaced by having to feed so many people. The freedom of golfing can be replaced by not making par. A passion for work can be replaced by keeping your job.

In fact for many of us, this is what we call 'growing up'. As children we engage everything motivated by the joy of what we engage; as we mature we replace the happy motivations with should and have to, with dissatisfaction and criticism, with fear and worry about losing what we have.

Afraid to be Happy
I often find in talking with people about Option, that they get quite resistant to the idea that one can just choose to be happy. However, as I dig into their resistance, it often turns out that they don't disagree with the concept that happiness is a choice; they disagree with the concept that happiness is a good idea. There seems to be a fundamental belief shared by many that the world would fall apart if everyone just did what they wanted because they felt like it; they believe that we need unhappiness to function as a society.

One can find lots of evidence for this in our systems of justice and our systems of child rearing and many corporate systems of management. We use the threat of punishment and consequences as a way to keep everyone in line.

I would argue, that if people weren't unhappy in the first place, you wouldn't see drug abuse or crime or bad behavior or poor employee performance. Our unhappiness is with what we have combined with our sense of helplessness and dissatisfaction with who we are, is what leads to all these behaviors we want to avoid.

In other cases, we're afraid to become "too" happy, because we don't want to be disappointed if whatever it is we're happy about fails or doesn't come through.

This is largely tied to the assumption that it's the stimuli (the objects of our happiness) that are making us happy, not our beliefs about them.

Do You Want to be Happy?
So the question that precedes all the rest is, "Do you want to be happy?"

Of course, the answer is easy to discern. If you're unhappy, the answer is 'No!' and if you're happy, it's 'Yes!'

So, as you apply the Option method to becoming happier, a good starting point is recognizing that you're actually unhappy on purpose. It's never the case that you want to be happy, but don't know why you're not; it's all there waiting for you to explore it.

Instead, the useful starting assumption is that you 'want' to be unhappy, that you're being unhappy for a good reason, and that you are looking into changing that. A good first step is to decide to be happy about your unhappiness and enthusiastically dive into exploring it.

Next
In the next installment I'm going to talk about the role of specificity and the juxtaposition of happiness and optimism.

Happy Tuesday!
Teflon

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

It's February 1st already! I've been doing so many wonderful things this past month. I've been so present and fully engaged, time is flying by. Even though I am doing so much (traveling, taking classes and working), I don't feel busy, hectic or stressed. This is BIG for me! I attribute this change to huge evolution in my own body awareness.

One of the things I did before I started traveling was a 10 day Vipassana meditation. It was kinda like meditation boot camp...not for everyone but it was a good way to learn how to mediate in a condensed time period. Each day we sat and were guided how to meditate for about 9 hours and there was no communication between meditators. The first day felt like forever. It was quite an adjustment to not have any way to distract myself.

The whole experience was challenging to say the least. Many times I questioned whether the course was good for me or not because it was difficult to feel benefits. A number of times, I thought about leaving (I would tell myself: I could be doing so many more important things at home).

I am very happy I stayed for the entire 10 days. It was a big accomplishment; a huge act of self-love to prioritize spending that time with myself to learn such an important tool for life.

One of my biggest challenges during the course was the pain I felt in my body from sitting so much. The main things to learn from a course in Vipassana is awareness (of breath and body sensation) and being equanimous (neutral, not attatched). I had plenty of opportunities to practice being equanimous with my physical discomfort and my need to move in order to get more comfortable. It was amazing that my body trained me how to sit properly...the key is listening to how I feel!

One of my favorite times during the course was how much I felt when I focused my awareness on all the different parts of my body, part by part. I felt positively overwhelmed with awe and wonder of how amazing my body is and how much I could feel. I felt my skin, bones, blood, and such life-force, energy. I was fully and truly meeting myself...my beauty, my power, my love. I sobbed with pleasure, joy, and in celebration for myself and life as well as with sorrow for all the times I have neglected my body. Doing this kind of meditation is like doing a body dialogue.

After learning how to do this exercise in body awareness my body felt so limber and relaxed. It felt like I had a massage each day. Over the 10 days, I did not have any muscle aches or joint pains that I have been having since I got Lyme Disease three years ago. I was doing yoga (union) all day and it felt so good--challenging but good! I slept very well and had interesting dreams too.

As I thought it would be, the Vipasanna was a life-changing adventure. I have incorporated meditation into my life and am breathing deeper and living life even more fully than before. I have an increased capacity for being with people, having more fun, freedom, change, and growth. I stay in touch with myself and my body so there is no need for stress.

Labels: body awareness, jeannene christie, meditation