Belief Makers

Some months ago my good friend Mark K was very engaged in his reading of (i.e., listening to) Martin Seligman who has a long background in positive psychology.

I finally got the CD, Learned Optimism, that included an evaluation of your optimism profile.

The test is very simple and can be found on the Internet at Optimism Test.

The survey basically asks you about how you respond to good and bad events (or stimuli), and then measures the degree of pervasiveness, permanence and personalization of your beliefs. The pervasiveness, permanence and personal nature of beliefs correlates directly to your level of optimism.

Permanence
The permanence of a belief has to do with how long you believe something will last. When you get sick, do you feel as though you'll never get well (permanent) or do you feel as though it will be over quickly (not permanent)? If you get fired, do you believe that you'll never find a job or that you'll get a job quickly? If someone says they love you, do you see that as a forever statement or as something that needs to be reinforced frequently? These are examples used to measure permanence.

Optimistic people tend to ascribe little permanence to negative (unhappiness-fueling) beliefs and situations, and significant permanence to positive (happiness-fueling) situations of beliefs. I tend to see bad events as something that will pass (which gives me a high score on the bad-permanence factor). However, I also see many good events as something that will end some time (which gives me a low score on the good-permanence factor).

So I started to question myself: do I believe that I can change so I keep seeing bad events as temporary, whereas I prolong the expected duration of good events?

Labels: acceptance, all blogs, control, joy vigh strand, optimism

Sometimes I like to stop and check how I changed over time.

This Friday was a great opportunity. We had the company's Christmas party. This is a very popular tradition. Basically you eat, drink, have fun, and hopefully nobody will remember afterwards what you did!

We call it "Christmas lunch". It is a “dinner”, but in the tradition of a Danish Christmas lunch, which means:

Appetizers
Herrings (and other fish) and with this you have a lot of "Snaps" and Christmas beer
Diner
different dishes based on pork and duck (greasy heavy food) and more snaps and Christmas beer
Dessert
cheese - snaps (you are now to full to have more beers)
...and more dessert
"ris a l'amande" - the game is for one of us to find the one not cut almond, hidden in one of the puddings

Snaps is a strong alcohol made on potatoes and which has some cummen added - you might have to be Danish or Finnish to tell the difference between snaps and Vodka. The tradition is that if anyone says cheers everybody at the table will empty their glass of snaps.
Christmas beer is a beer only produced at this time of year, and it’s stronger than normal beer.
"ris a l'amande" - which is a rice pudding with almonds and cherry sauce (and one not cut almond, to be found in one of the puddings by us)

Yes, I changed #1
My first "challenge" was that half of our table was empty. We were supposed to sit with the agents. These are sales people who are normally not at the office, so we don't know each other very well.

The sales people had all gathered at two other tables and the ones who came late were placed with us. And after my table was first quite empty, later it was populated with men who had spent hours getting drunk during the dinner.

It's not that Danish people always gets drunk. For many people this is the only time of the year. I guess they just want to see themselves as young and reckless; at least for a night! For many people this night is the night you say the things you usually don't say, or just the night you act crazy.

I've gotten so used to saying what's on my mind that I don't save it for this one special day a year, so you can put me in the second category! And so I had decided to enjoy my table company and it turned out that I was so good at acting crazy that some people believed that I had been following the drinking tradition! I only drank one strong beer and a few light beer and then tap water, but I was having crazy fun!

Yes, I changed #2
I'm working for a company owned by a British company, and the head of the Scandinavia part is Swedish. The Danish employees of the company regularly joke about the "Scandinavian strategy" implemented into our company: it is trying to imply in Denmark what worked in Sweden ten years ago.
This is probably why they booked a Swedish band that was popular at the summer party in Sweden; regardless of the traditions at Danish Christmas parties.

The music was nice but colleagues started to complain about it. For example: “Only one of three singers is singing as much out of tune as I do!”

After listening for a few seconds to the music and the people around me I took a decision: "I want to have fun. Listening to the music and my colleagues will not provide me with the typical atmosphere of a Christmas party”. So while others were entertaining themselves by complaining about the music, I started dancing with one of the secretaries.

Yes, I changed #3
When someone joined me happily and talked about having wanted another music during dinner, I supported his or her view. When someone was complaining about the Swedish invasion (and some of the Swedish employees literally did use these words) they would smile when I would respond: "Nothing new. We always have to try what they are doing in Sweden. And in spite of the initiatives that do not have the same effect in Denmark, we still are able to create the best results, so it is not going to keep me from having fun.”

Differences
This might be a shock to people outside Scandinavia (it even is to many Scandinavian managers):

It might be that

• Scandinavian people LOVE each other when we meet anywhere in the world, and
• we all pay high taxes and want the state to pay for education, hospitals etc, and
• in general we are highly educated and highly independent individuals
• We are all starting Christmas early (the 24th)

But

• we do not share the same kind of humor, and
• we do not have the same way of working.
• we don't eat the same kind of meals for Christmas!

Yes, I changed #4
After the Danish dinner and the Swedish music, there was a band. And it turned out to be a Danish band that didn't play ABBA or other Swedish hits, but stayed mainly with wonderful American and Canadian tunes.

I love dancing, so I decided that I wanted to dance some more. This might have sounded easy to most people, but I have a history of back pains, which has not always been comparable with dancing. I had my back adjusted the day before the party and I woke up the same morning with pain as a reaction to the adjustment. So I had done an extra treatment the same morning and taken some painkillers.

Labels: acceptance, all blogs, joy vigh strand, wants

I was looking through some of the articles on this blog and I got inspired by Teflon's blog posted on September 30, called "The Path to the Future". The quote posted in his article says:

"The path to the future is brightly illuminated by the bridges burning behind us".

I love this motto.  Think about it: traveling through life is so much easier when you truly decide to let go of the past and focus on the future. You don't have to carry the weight of a tough childhood, an abusive ex-partner, etc. All you have to do is focus on what you want in the future and how to act in the present in order to bring your desired future into being.  Doing this lets you enjoy the present moment.

After reading the Teflon's motto, I spent some time thinking about all the things that I have let go of, things that I didn't want in my life  and are no longer in my life.  It felt so good to recognize the choices I've made and it felt great to silently celebrate them.

The same evening I was talking to my friend Mark K. I mentioned that I had withdrawn my application from a position at work because I didn't trust the manager. Mark asked me why my reaction was to withdraw my application. He suggested that I could have changed my relationship with the manager or I could have asked to work in that position under another manager. He wanted to know why my action was to simply redraw.

I explained my reasons. Although I had made attempts to change our relationship, I had decided that I didn't want to trust him. I had also made attempts to switch organizations (which might have actually happened in the end), but hadn't happened yet.

As I talked with Mark K., I got tired. I felt exhausted!

Mark also got tired of listening to me!

Wearing Myself Out
Initially, I thought I got tired because I felt that I hadn't "succeeded". I wasn't "good enough" and I could have "done more".

And this might have been true, but...  Today, I realized that my problem was the following: I had made the decision that "the man was not trustworthy by my standards, and that I did not want to work closely with a man of his standards".  This would have been fine had I only  BURNED MY BRIDGES. 

I hadn't!

Instead, I had held on to the belief that everything would have been better if I simply could have inspired the manager to change or if I could have inspired the organization to remove him from the department where I wanted to work.

Simultaneously, I held on to the belief that I could not have changed the situation in any way!

On the Horns of a Trilemma
I've been taught that I should split the situations I face into one of three categories:

1. things over which I have full control
2. things I can influence or over which I have some control 
3. things where I have absolutely no control

In this case, I decided that this situation fit into the second category; I decided that I would be able to influence or have some control over either the manager or the organization.

Why did I decide this?

Well, Samahria believes she can control the weather. So, why would I not believe that I could change my department or my manager? Maybe I already have influenced my department!

Understanding that this was my decision, I have now made peace with my decision, burning my bridges and looking forward.

I can always look at my dis-empowering beliefs about which parts of the world I can influence and which parts I cannot influence.

Looking Forward
For now, I can take credit for the changes I have started in the organization by pointing out that low standards are not acceptable to me. Maybe highlighting one person's low standards is what it takes for ten other people to raise their own standards.

Next, I am going to make a list of all the parts of my life where I have low energy and see for each of them if there are bridges I need to burn. I already feel my energy level getting higher!

Thank you Mark .K for being such an honest friend. Thank you Mark T. for introducing this great motto which I'll repeat:

"The path to the future is brightly illuminated by the bridges burning behind us."

Labels: acceptance, empowerment, joy vigh strand

I'm just wondering... Wondering about friendship, closeness and how I define a friendship.

People who know me (lots of you have done programs with me over the last few years) might remember that one of my reccuring issues has been that "I have no friends".

I believe this to be true and not to be true!

I do have friends. I have many friends. I have all kinds of friends.
This week I got a call from a friend I hadn't spoken to in two years, and we just picked up the connection so easily. But, I have known her for 25 years...

Did you read "but..."? Did you know that a sentence beginning with "but" is often a negation of the preceding part of the sentence?

I wanted to say:
But at times I can spend a week without getting a single hug. This is something I regret - AND this is not true: since I started to volunteer in a play-room I know that at least I’ll get hugs on Saturdays - in the playroom.

My next upcoming thought is: I don't have people to talk to. People who'll listen, people who are close... This is not really true either! On my way from work or when I get home and start walking the dog I'll often call someone. Call someone with whom I can share what has happened at work, or what I expect will happen soon. Just someone to share my everyday thoughts. And seeing that during the day I share my thoughts with my colleagues, why do I tend to not take this into consideration when I say that I do not have people to talk to?

I want to have someone who lives close, someone who can join me running, who'll drop by for a cup of coffee. I do have someone close who'll run with me. Even if it's me picking her up and not the other way around. Recently I have started to talk to one of the neighbors and it seems that we have alot in common.

But what I really want is having someone at home or next door with whom I can share my thoughts. Someone who'll understand me, know me and still questioning my thoughts. In other words: I really want to have a person near by who is trained in the Option Process, or who shares similar beliefs.

I do have some option-minded people near - one lives 2 kilometers away, several live in my country and are never more than a phone call away, even others are living further away but they might available on Skype or Facebook just at the same time as me.

So, why is it that I am asking for more friends when I have the most wonderful loving people never more than a few clicks away?

Over the last few months this has happened several times: when I feel in need, there is always someone online. They might not always call me and ask me how I'm doing, but there is always someone near, ready to listen or ready to make an appointment soon.

So, why does it seem to be more valuable to me when someone calls me? That someone guesses that I want a hug or a question? And why do I seem to make physical closeness more valuable than the close connection with equal minded people?
Why does it seem to be more important to have people who "pick up" on how I feel and ask me questions when I didn't ask for questions, who hug me when I didn't ask for a hug etc. etc.?

I'm just wondering...

What does it mean when I say I "want friends" or when I say "I want to be part of a community"?

Labels: acceptance, friendships, joy vigh strand

Over the past months, I've been working with a really good friend, Jonathan, on software for a device that can predict heart attacks hours before they happen. My job has been writing the software that embodies the device that detects the heart attacks. The work is a lot fun and I love working with Jonathan who is smart, quick and creative. We have great economy of communication, the work is stimulating, and the potential benefits to people are exciting.

Calm Amid Chaos?
As I've worked on the software, Iris has made note of my being really relaxed, at ease and not distracted. We've had some fun discussions about why that might be.

Normally, I tend to bounce from idea to idea, topic to topic, and so on. In fact, several years ago I was prescribed a medication called Adderall for what I was told was classic Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

For me, the medication was a godsend. I was able to attend meetings that went on for hours with sustainable attention and focus. I became totally at ease and patient in situations where I would previously have been impatient and fidgeting. The medication even affected my driving -- I drove slowly (well, at the speed limit).

What Iris noticed about my working with Jonathan and a task that is interesting and challenging is this: it had the same effect on me as the Adderall. The more challenging and complex the task, the more at ease I seemed to be.

So, that got me to thinking...

Life Before Adderall
When I was growing up, conditions like ADD and that mixing up letters thing, well, they weren't conditions at all. This left you classified as misbehaving or not-so-bright. So, I usually found myself at the bottom of my class.

I can remember taking tests with multiple choice answers and coming up with reasons why any one of the answers could be correct. As a result, my test scores were about what you would get if you answered randomly.

My folks, doing the best the could, decided I simply wasn't trying hard enough. (Of course, this helped me tremendously...) In the end, I decided that I simply couldn't do anything that involved study, mathematics or English.

Life as an Alien
The thing I remember most vividly about those times is feeling like an alien. I just didn't fit in and couldn't do even simple things. The harder I tried, the farther afield I would drift. I would have given anything to fit in, to be normal.

For my parents, my fitting in and doing well was important. They had their own fears of what it might mean to not fit in. How would I take care of myself? Would I be accepted? Would I be alone?

Of course, seeing my parents' concerns only exacerbated my own concerns. There were times when I was outright scared. And, I didn't want to talk to my folks because they seemed scared too.

The Upside
On the one hand, having ADD (note, I'm using having ADD in the vernacular) made it difficult for me to do normal things like sitting in classrooms, attending meetings, conducting small talk or working in a highly repetitive job. However, there's another side to the story...

Having ADD also gave me a voracious appetite for rapidly changing environments and for highly complex and challenging tasks that require intensity and creativity. It allowed me to be really comfortable, no, most comfortable, when the situation was fast moving and furious.

Ultimately, I'm not always great at simple, everyday tasks, but I'm really great at tasks that seem impossible to others.

Supporting the Not-Normal People In Our Lives
As someone who seemed destined not to do well, I believe that I got really lucky on two fronts.

First, I was so bad at normal stuff, that I had to resort to exceptional stuff just to get by.

Second, my life has been filled with people who were able to see past my inability to do normal things and see that I had the ability to do extraordinary things. Amazingly, they didn't see normal as a prerequisite to exceptional. They gave me a shot.

If you or people in your life are struggling with normalcy and fitting in, then I would suggest that you try a new approach.

First, decide that normalcy is irrelevant, or better yet, that it's a hindrance to being exceptional.

Second, in light of the first decision, explore what really matters to you or them. Embrace the things that are wonderfully extraordinary with clarity, depth and specificity.

Third, embark on developing those things that define you or them as exceptional and make them the best they can be.

Happy Tuesday!

Labels: acceptance, all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy

Recently I have been in situations where I have thought: why do we not want to give people what they say they want to receive? I am not talking about the times when they are asking for something that we simply do not want to give, I'm talking about when they ask for A and we'll give them B.

This week I spoke to my sister about a present for my aunt and uncle who are both turning 70 this year. On their wish list were mentioned blankets, pillows and red wine. So my sister suggested that we give them a fancy wine cooler. I never saw them using a wine cooler (which could mean that they don't have one) and a wine cooler could be a fantastic. But they did mention that they fancy red wine and I would rarely use a wine cooler for red wine; it could indicate that they don't really need a wine cooler.

Labels: acceptance, joy vigh strand, love

So his not being 'fixed' at 9 was a gift to me, to help me look back at this issue of loving acceptance. And I keep looking at it. This morning, he was drinking some juice and drooling. I didn't accept that. I felt my rejection of it in my body, the quickening of my heart, the tension in my shoulders and chest. Well, at least I recognise those signals as information for me. So allow me to explore my beliefs with you.

Why would I be uncomfortable about Jaedon drooling? Because I don't like how drooling looks... well, deeper than that, I don't like how drooling is perceived by others, like he is some kind of incomplete person. OK, let's say that this is true, and that people will see him this way, why do I feel uncomfortable about that? Well, if they see him this way, they won't love him like I love him. (note: even if he wasn't drooling, they all probably wouldn't love him like I love him, but let me not interrupt myself yet) Who are some examples of the 'they'? Family, my friends and the people on his team both now and in the future. Actually, it's more than that. Family and friends wouldn't love him because I haven't done everything to make him lovable. And, they would judge me for the things they are uncomfortable with. Without any more questions, I know that I also judge myself as inadequate, so Jaedon's drooling is somehow a sign of my own failure. My failures are reasons for people not to love and accept me...

So my fear of not being loved and accepted has me not loving and accepting my son... hmmm...

Whoa! OK, lots going on there, but these aren't new revelations for me. So let me sit with this for a while. Those voices of judgement are my own, and they are competing with the other voices that are now stronger than they were before, the ones that say "Every day in every way, I am getting better and better". I am an ever changing organism, created to grow and improve, committed to that path for myself so I know I'm always improving. I accept me today. I accept who I am on this journey and I don't have to judge my growth to motivate myself to improve. I improve because I choose to, not because I make myself feel bad. I celebrate the small steps and the big steps I have taken to move myself along this path that I want to be on.

I appreciate the motivation that Jaedon is for me. I am focused on loving him just as he is. While I want change, change is not a prerequisite for loving him (or anyone else! but that's for another blog). No matter what others think of me, I love me. How can I love my neighbor as myself, with such conditional self love? As I love Jay and love myself, I can then freely want him to not drool. Not because I want to be loved, to look like I'm doing a good job, or other loaded implications. I can just want him to not drool because I think saliva has more benefit to his body in his mouth, because his lips open signal weaker muscle tone in his mouth area and that will affect his articulation and I want him to communicate clearly (and not because clear language says anything about me!).

I can love me, work on keeping that belief strong, love him, work on keeping that belief strong and therefore freely want, but not NEED change, because it means nothing about who I am.

No matter what situation our loved ones are in, if our actions to them come from a place of needing to fill something up in ourselves, I think it might feel fake, disingenuous, manipulative, even. Certainly, you can't fake it with kids on the spectrum. But can you really fake it with anyone? Is this why some of our connections are as shallow as they are? Hmmm....

Labels: acceptance, all blogs, autism, faith clarke

posted by The Clarke Five  # 11:15 AM 1 Comments

I decided to run a Son-Rise program for myself. I have some growth goals for myself, and since our Son-Rise program works for Jaedon (my 10 year old son diagnosed with autism), I thought I would expand on the concept a bit, to help myself. This might be a little confusing ... since I'm 2 people, the autistic child AND the play partner. I hope you can follow...

Let's look at life before my Son-Rise program (the one I run for me...). I wasn't very loving and accepting of myself at all. My attitude was definitely not inspiring growth! The more I learnt about what I wanted me to be doing, the more I judged me for not doing it! This cycle definitely did not lead where I wanted it to go! One day it hit me. If I want to help myself to grow, why don't I start being with me the way I am with Jaedon?

So the key to a Son-Rise program is the attitude of loving acceptance. Being that way with myself challenged a long held belief that I am lovable because of what I do. That one wasn't serving me well at all! I could never do enough. I looked for evidence everywhere to prove that I wasn't doing enough to measure up. It was exhausting. So, how about changing that belief to "I love and accept me just as I am"? What a freeing thought! Loving and accepting me just as I am, believing that I don't have to do anything to 'qualify'for my own love. That means, I don't have to judge my 'non-option' beliefs, my 'non-son-rise' behaviors, my less than loving comments/behaviors to my husband. I can love me no matter what!

Next is the concept of joining. The key element of joining is fascinated curiosity while engaging in the child's behavior, owning it and exploring it to discover the beauty in the behavior. So how do I join me? I notice that as I relax into the loving, accepting attitude, it's easier to notice my own discomfort, look with interest at how I'm responding, and ask questions about whether my response is really what I'm wanting and uncover what's really going on. And, loving acceptance comes in right here: I don't have to say "There you go, believing that again!" I can let go of all self-judgment and embrace another opportunity to grow and change. Plus, when I notice that I've moved further in the direction that I want, I get to celebrate me! Yup, pat myself on the back and recognize myself for what I've done. That feels so much better than what I used to say "About time you did the right thing!"

One of my overall goals is to show up BIG in my life. Part of that for me is to love people in a generous, extravagant way. I've made that my current playroom "challenge" starting with the person closest to me, my soul-mate, Isaiah. What an exciting ride that has been!!! Just to be able to notice myself holding back in any given moment, has opened up so many doors, so many opportunities to do something different and exciting! Of course, this is sooo much easier if I remain present, staying in the moment and experiencing it to its fullest.

Here's my advice: If you are wanting to grow and change yourself in some specific ways, put yourself in a Son-Rise program:

1. Be loving and accepting to yourself
2. Join yourself: look at what you do with fascination, like a happy detective, to explore what you are believing in that moment
3. Celebrate your actions that are in the direction of your goals. Yeah!!!
4. Be present with yourself and experience every moment to the fullest
   

By the way, this also creates the optimal environment for change in all our loved ones, even those with 'special needs'. Have a great day in the playroom!

Faith

Labels: acceptance, all blogs, faith clarke, son-rise