Belief Makers

Over the last year, many people have suggested that I see a psychiatrist and to check out if I have Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

My first reaction was, "WHY?"

I didn't question whether or not I had ADHD; my knowledge was limited, but the few things they told me about ADHD sounded like me. No, the WHY was more of, "How could it possibly help me to get diagnosed?"

My guess was that even with a diagnosis, I would still have a problem with clutter, disorganization and mess; I would still feel an urge to interrupt people and to finish their sentences; I would still...

So, why would it be in my interest to get diagnosed rather than simply addressing what seemed to be obvious challenges?

A Little Research
Just before Christmas, I decided to look more into ADHD. My first reaction to the information I found was a sense of confirmation; my second was grief.

I realized how much I have identified with being a messy person and how many self-judgments I've held. (Yes, Benevolent Warrior, even a Mentor certified at the Option Institute^TM can still hold self-judgments; just not while facilitating a dialogue.)

I realized how good it would feel to tell my friends and family that my habitual messiness came from not knowing how to be neat and from becoming extremely tired every time I looked at the clutter.

Imagine if, in preparing for her marathon, Iris' legs got extremely heavy every time she looked at her running shoes. It would be a loooooong way from where she is to finishing that marathon.

Well, that's how I feel about organizing stuff. Every time I look at the clutter, I get tired. Then I get confused as I try to stop myself from being tired, but can't figure out how to do that either. My confusion makes me even more tired and voila, it's a loooooooong way to a neat apartment.

Diagnosis for Whom?
I quickly realized that it was not my family I needed to tell this to; I needed to tell it to myself. As soon as I gave myself the diagnosis of ADHD, I started to let go of my self-judgments. For years I've tried an endless variety of approaches to cleaning based on my judgments that I should be able to clean my apartment. Now, having ADHD, I decided to just make it really easy: do 5-10 minutes and then take a break.

After taking some tests on the Internet, my next step was to get an appointment with a psychologist specialized in ADHD. She confirmed the diagnoses (it's still not official since only a psychiatrist can diagnose you with ADHD) and she gave me the name of a psychiatrist so I could try some medications.

So Now What?
What I did since the meeting with the psychologist (other than looking forward to trying some meds that might show me what peace of mind can be like), was to determine:

1. which of my symptoms pose the biggest problems for me,
2. what characterizes times in my life when I seem to have more problems,
3. what characterizes times in my life when I seem to have fewer problems.
4. what research is available on ADHD that could be useful to me.

What I have come up with so far is:

1. I don't work well in noise such as sitting next to someone who is always on the phone
2. I can do anything for five minutes
3. I thrive in workshops and brainstorming sessions where multiple ideas are on the table at the same time
4. Having my skin touched calms me down
5. There doesn't seem to be connection with food and ADHD other than what is good for everyone
6. Vitamin D might have a positive influence on ADHD symptoms (I want to learn more about this)
7. Low estrogen increases ADHD symptoms
8. Strenuous workouts can be effective in helping with ADHD; however, I'm not sure if this is only true for men, since I believe that it might also lower your estrogen level

It's Nice to have a Diagnosis

Labels: ADHD, all blogs, awareness, diagnosis, joy vigh strand

Yeah, so what to do when comfort isn't 'working'? I remember Samahria saying something like: nothing is worth mortgaging your comfort for. It is so tempting for me to get myself uncomfortable as I write this damm blog! Hmmm....yes, I AM a tad UNCOMFORTABLE...and yet as I write that, I laugh, the discomfort vanishes....interesting!

Now, (a few moments later), I'm aware I'm struggling again. I'm not finding it easy to grab hold of any specific idea or topic long enough to write about it. All day yesterday I intended to write my blog entry with ease, in a relaxed way. I could think of no clear ideas. That was fine with me. I did other things, I went for a walk, cooked, and felt relaxed. It got late. I started racing my thoughts and still am doing so now in the morning. It feels like this racing type of thinking is happening to me but I know that is not true because when I choose to focus on my body and breath I have no racing thoughts.

I ask myself: why am I racing my thoughts? I get myself more uncomfortable with this question...yep, I've jumped onto a spiral of discomfort, obsessively questioning my everything....why would I do that? Why do I make it hard for myself? Why can't I think of a topic? Why do I believe I can't think of a topic? Why don't I want to think of a topic?

I think this is officially called tormentoring!

I've been a tension addict for many years. The past year and a half I have become aware of this. I hold a lot of tension in my body, particularly when doing "heady" type of tasks such as writing or entering data into a computer.

Holding my muscles tight is a physical way I pressure myself to literally 'squish' out my ideas. This is one way tension has been useful to me. I wonder is there any 'truth' to this...does tension physically help me express myself? It really seems that sometimes I can not express my ideas clearly without doing tension somewhere along the way. It seems equivalent to a person who can not see well putting on glasses and being able to see better.

I don't always have to 'squish' my ideas out but right now and lately I haven't felt like writing. I made a commitment to do so and I value honoring this commitment. So, I am making the best of it by exploring what is coming up for me as I write even though I don't feel like it. It's a challenge I'm making worthwhile by learning from it as I write.

My struggle and tension as I write are coming from fear of stepping out of my usual ways. The structure I feel most comfortable with when I write is to think of a topic and then develop a sense of the beginning, middle and end before I start. In this case, I'm not doing it that way. I don't know what this will end up like. I'm currently also realizing a deeper fear coming up about being real and sharing myself in the moment AS I unfold. My usual theme is to share my issue afterward, once I have it all figured out. It seems more safe that way.

I actually wanted to write about this (how much I struggle sometimes to get my thoughts out) the first time I wrote on this blog but I couldn't get the words out the way I wanted to. I wasn't ready t share it. I'm excited that I'm ready now! I don't have to wait until I'm finished struggling, until I have a beginning, middle and ending!

I see how just the opposite can be really helpful. I felt so personally touched reading the most recent blogs of Kathy, Paul, and Iris, and those of Mark when they write real, raw and in the moment of their struggles and joys. This is so revealing. I feel I know them so much more and it feels more safe to open myself more too. This is RELATING at its DEEPEST! I remember living with Rita and having some of the most amazing WOW moments of my life when we would (what felt like to me) stop time by getting real, going into the moment; sharing the tiny details of specific thoughts and different perspectives on the exact same events.

"Tension is who you think you should be; relaxation is who you are"
~ Chinese Proverb

My INTENTION regarding tension (and fear) is to be and express myself, as I AM. After reading this blog over, it doesn't seem scary or even revealing...but it was a BIG deal while I was writing it and I was quite tense nearly the whole time. INTERESTING!!! Thank you!

Labels: awareness, fear, tension