Belief Makers

"The future is brightly illuminated by the burning bridges of the past."

Teflon

This is a quote that I have come to love more and more deeply. As I said goodbye to my old colleagues to begin getting ready for my new job, I was enjoying myself. I reflected on the year that had past, the challenges, how I'd handled them, the colleagues who supported me and those who didn't.

It felt good to say goodbye. I didn't feel like running away or being pushed away.

Don't Slam the Door
Next day, as I was walking the dog, I remembered the quote from Teflon and smiled as I thought "YES, this is it!" I was raised with the expression 'Don't slam the door', meaning that you should never leave a place in an angry manner. So far I would agree, but the way the phrase was interpreted by most people meant, "be sure they'll take you back if you ask."

I did not slam the door, but I did close it! I told them how the new company has made the effort to create a position that will fit me. How I am looking forward to it.

When I leave through my front door I do not slam it, but I also don't leave it wide open. I close it. I lock it. (I never used to lock my door, but this one will swing open if I don't so I lock it.)

But you know what? I've always been able to unlock it when I returned. What I am trying to say is that burning the bridges doesn't mean that I cannot build them again if I want to. It might not be exactly the same bridge; it might be stronger and more beautiful; the new bridge could be unstable and break.

Yes or No
Burning bridges also means that, when I get a question, I give a yes or a no answer; I don't live in the maybe's. When I decide to leave a job, I leave it. When people say that they would like to see me back, I'll smile and say 'thanks'. It doesn't mean that I'll never be back. But for now I'm gone.

If an ex-employer offered me an old job back the answer would be 'no' -- that bridge no longer exists. However, if they offered me the opportunity to join a new venture with them, I would definitely consider the possibility.

Doubting
Burning bridges is new to me. It feels good, but there are times when I ask myself whether or not this is a bridge that I now want to rebuild, or, what would happen if others still believe that there is a bridge?

Last year I said goodbye to some old friends. Now they just sent me an invitation. This time the invitation included a girl who is now living in Australia and hasn't been back in Denmark in a while. My inclination was maybe, to keep the door open, to not decide, yet.

However, as I reflect on this, my answer has changed. I burned those bridges for a reason. Spending time with those people is like eating an ice cream: the taste is sweet but it isn't really nourishing.

They tell me how much they want to get together, and yet they often hesitate when I ask to set a time. Their way of keeping friendship with me is to meet once a year and have absolutely no contact in between.

I am actually really clear that this is not how I want to do friendship. I like to spend time with people who I find interesting and inspiring, and who want to spend time with me. To accept an invitation from this group of people I would need a bigger reason than a person returning from far away, a person who I stopped writing to because she didn't return my letters.

I guess that the kind of friendship they are offering is just not for me.

Now it's clear: if I had the choice between a day with this group or to spend an hour in the playroom, I would chose the playroom without hesitation. If I had the choice between a day with this group or a cup of coffee and a deep discussion with my girlfriend and her husband, I know what I would choose.

Are you clinging to old bridges? Living in maybes? Often? Sometimes? Never?

Big Love

Joy

Labels: all blogs, burning bridges, change, choices, joy vigh strand, solar system, wants

...or, Did Anything Really Change?

I was sitting in a diner with a friend this evening, talking about the things that we allow to fuel our feelings of sadness or happiness. She is a recent college graduate and has not yet found a job in her chosen career path. She feels uncertain about the future, about where (in which country or state) she will live and what she will do. Sometimes, she is doing fabulously, thinking about her bright future, focused on actualizing her dreams. At other times, she feels lost and wonders about her ability to navigate her world. We were talking about some of that this evening, and I wondered: What internal changes prompted her change in response? What changed?

From Not Knowing to Knowing
My husband had to tell his personal assistant that she no longer had a job due to whatever companies say these days. As far as he was concerned, she was doing a great job. Last week, she was feeling comfortable. This week, she is not. What changed?

From Genius to Globally Delayed
I look back on my journey with Jaedon. Being my first born, I had no prior frame of reference; everything he did was amazing. He started staring at his toes and fingers at 3 months, and didn't stop for years. I thought he was incredibly smart. "You are going to be a scientist, the way you are studying those fingers!"

Jaedon could find the pivoting point of any object and set that object spinning for seconds, no matter how irregular its shape. "Amazing!", I thought.

Then, a few months later, I was introduced to the idea of autism and all the related jargon. Looking at his hand became 'posturing' and 'stereotypical behaviors'. Spinning objects became 'perseveration'. I moved from amazed to depressed. I started telling Jaedon "Stop looking at those hands! People will think something is wrong with you!" It was no longer amazing or smart to me. What changed?

Jay improved so much between the time we originally tried to get an assessment at 22 months and his official assessment at 30 months, that I went into the Kennedy Center full of optimism. He was looking people in the eyes, going over to people with interest, playing with toys... This was amazing!

When I read the report they wrote about him, I wondered "which child are they writing about?" He was what? Globally delayed in all domains? Moderate to severe autism according to the CARS rating? I was devastated. What changed?

I allowed someone else's voice to be louder than my own internal voice (a bunch of unhelpful beliefs there). I threw out my voice that said, "This is wonderful", and substituted a voice that I had given authority, a voice that said, "This is horrible."

My son was exactly the same boy that I was awed by just 24 hours earlier; yet, I had embraced something completely different. Once I gave up my own voice, everything started changing all the time. My whole frame of mind and my perspective all depended on whom I spoke to and the credibility I gave them. I would then replay their voices over and over in my head to firmly establish their unhelpful thoughts in my mind. What changed?

Back to the Diner
My friend seems to be doing the same thing I did with Jaedon and all my advisers. Hopefully, she will talk soon to someone who gives her a chance to explore her beliefs and find her own answers. Tonight, I was not that person. I just told her to stop it! (see the link in the title...I know, but watch it, hilarious!)

I guess I was really talking to myself. Honestly, why should I give up my own voice, my own good feelings, and place higher value on the thoughts and feelings of others? It just results in me embracing negative beliefs about my life and situation. No! I decided not to do that anymore and encouraged my friend to do the same.

OK... maybe I will gift her a dialogue with Iris, just in case my Stop It! didn't help.

Amazing Me, Amazing You
I've decided to look for new opportunities in every life happening. I can find ways to help my son, who is amazing, communicate more effectively, just as I can find ways to help my 'typical' children do so many other things more effectively. In both cases I can celebrate their existing amazingness while moving happily towards their future amazingness. No need to motivate myself with fear that they aren't really as amazing as I thought, or, that I'm not as amazing as they need me to be.

I can maintain my idea that I am amazing, that my husband is amazing, that my kids are amazing, that you are amazing, even if external things happen that I may not like or want, even if others tell me otherwise.

My wish for you is that you will do the same (no dialogues required), no matter what comes your way.

When you hear a new opinion, receive a new assessment, finally get the news, remember, nothing has really changed.

You are still the amazing you that you were yesterday!

PS, Please enjoy this inspiring example of alternatives to the dialogue.

Labels: all blogs, change, faith clarke

That was the question Isaiah asked me as we watched the ball drop, January 1, 2010.  I remembered quite well where the decade went, but I understood his question. The accomplishments of the 90's feel very clear.  We had life figured out.  It was a decade of many pleasant, life changing experiences. I graduated from college,moved to the U.S., went to graduate school, started a career, moved to Jamaica, got married, had a child and bought a house!  Perhaps the 90's represented us working towards and getting much of the stuff people typically set as goals.  We were steadily checking them off our list!  The external accomplishments.


The 2000's on the other hand, felt like smoke and mirrors  in many ways.  We discovered Jaedon's autism, lived apart in 2 separate countries for 2 years, then completely relocated to the U.S., sold our house, I became a stay-at-home  mom, Isaiah, having never worked for anyone but family in his life, got a job, we experienced our own personal recession, started a home business and started homeschooling.  That decade represents external and internal re-organization.  Much of  the accomplishments are somewhat invisible to all but those who know us well.  People on the periphery of our lives just saw the upheaval.  



Looking Through The Rubble....
It was a very useful upheaval.  I've discovered so many things, asked wonderful questions and found helpful answers.  I've gone through somewhat of a metamorphosis. Most things came relatively easily to me,before the 2000's. I've become more persistent, more tenacious than I was.  I would love to be even more persistent, to follow through and follow up on the things I would like to be doing, as well as persist in exploring the limits and obstacles in my path.  That will be my promise to myself for this decade.  More fundamentally, I developed a mentality I find difficult to describe.  It reminds me of my grandmother. She was a 'gangsta', a 'thug'. You know the type: relentless, determined, persistent, fierce, having a mentality that says there is no obstacle big enough, if this is something I really want.  Momsie was larger than life and I'm realizing that so am I!

Our New Building
So the 90's was like living in a beautiful building that seemed to meet all our needs.  The last decade was the gutting of that building to fortify and expand foundations, redo wiring and beams.  It's not a pretty sight to the outside world and the owners of the house can get distracted by the short (how short is short?) term upheaval.  This decade will be the construction of a whole new building, although I am sure there is still some gutting that will be done.  I'm really excited about that's ahead because I think the building will be even more beautiful and useful,certainly stronger,but also, it will be so much bigger and will serve, give shelter to many others, while keeping us dry and comfy in a variety of weather conditions..

Many construction projects get stalled. Resources run out or people change their minds.  I want to spend this month thinking about the resources needed for this project,the fuel I use as I go about my construction.  I really want to be intentional about having a steady supply and keeping my tank filled up.  I'll keep you posted on how that's going.

Thanks for listening to my new year musings.  Happy New Year!  The year isn't really new unless you are new, so make all your dreams come true in 2010 by continuing to be a New You every day!

Labels: change, faith clarke, happy new year