Belief Makers
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Belief Makers offers a wide range of ideas, insights and perspectives that we hope you will find interesting, inspiring, enjoyable and challenging.
We welcome your insights, questions, suggestions, assertions and musings.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Crying Games
posted by Jeannene Christie
A few months ago I did an outreach with an 8 year old boy on the autism spectrum (I'll call him Adam). One of his favorite games was to watch his volunteers and his Mom pretend to cry (and sometimes die). He was highly repetitious with this and his team wanted to know what to do with it. He didn't play these games with me but I have come across this interest a number of times. The following are my notes and suggestions on the subject. Even if you are not running a relationship based program I am curious to know how your beliefs about crying and dying show up in your day to day life.
There is a number of possible reasons why Adam wants to play these games. One main reason might simply be the exciting energy created around crying and pretending to die. When people cry, they let go and look funny and are full of emotion. This is exciting to watch. Most people probably react with extreme surprise and discomfort when asked to pretend to die! Once they get over their initial discomfort, they might then pretend to die with great gusto. All very motivating to a curious mind indeed.
My suggestion is to go ahead and continue doing what Adam wants you to do as this is an open door for interaction. He is exploring these topics and there is nothing bad or inappropriate about them. As you found out, Adam doesn't like you to change his favorite game by 'pulling back' or trying to make it 'positive'. Continuing to do this may turn it into a button push. There is no one 'right' thing to do. You can try out different things and see what happens.
Check in about how you feel about crying and dying. What are your beliefs about these topics? Quite interesting I bet an everyone has different beliefs and emotional reactions. Adam is probably really curious about all this. Remember, as facilitators, you are 'selling' beliefs to him. What are some empowering beliefs about crying and dying? Perhaps there might be some opportunities to get Adam talking about his ideas around these topics before selling him yours! His my be enlightening!
The following are some beliefs that I have about crying that I find useful:
Crying is wonderful! I am so happy I am able to cry when I want to cry. Crying is a way to communicate emotions, wants, and needs. Some people cry to get what they want. It is not easy to understand what a person wants when he or she cries. It can be helpful to encourage people to use words to get what they want instead of crying. Sometimes people just want to cry. It feels good to express myself through laughing, crying, jumping, etc. as a way to let my feelings out. Crying can be very cleansing and I usually feel better after I cry. People cry when they are sad, frustrated, angry, lonely, afraid, and when they are happy. I don't know how a person feels even when I see that they are crying.
With all these beliefs I've stated: IT IS EASY FOR ME TO BE COMFORTABLE (and even excited) about crying. This is the key.
Another point: culturally, there is already so much energy around crying and dying, you don't have to use major enthusiasm around it for Adam to be into it. Use SUPER, MEGA TONS of EXCITEMENT around things that Adam has a challenge doing such as participating in new interactive games and activities (and even slight variations of the crying / dying games).
It is not that the crying game is negative and other more typical games are positive. Everything that goes on in the playroom is an amazing learning opportunity.
Build interactions FROM his motivation of crying (versus trying to go away from it or change the game). In other words, use wherever he is to go towards what you want for him.
Make an emotion / action dice. Use a square tissue box and put a picture of someone crying on one of the sides and put pictures of people doing other actions (e.g. laughing, clapping, jumping, etc.) on the others sides. Throw the dice and do the actions together.
Take turns following each others directions. When Adam asks you to cry, do it. If he keeps asking, keep doing it and after a few times say something like: "Ok Adam, now it is your turn. I want you to....(e.g. jump, give me high five, laugh, etc.). Really encourage him strongly: "Go on Adam, I know you can do it!" CHEER HIM ON BIG TIME WHEN HE DOES.
Play a game called: Sometimes when I cry, I like to....(sing, cuddle, jump, etc.). Remember not to assume that crying means sadness.
Help Adam learn how to be a great friend to someone who is crying. After a few times of Adam asking you to cry and following his request, ask Adam to get you a tissue, a drink of water, or ask for a cuddle. If he does come to give you a cuddle, you could then say something like: "Wow, thank you Adam! You are such a nice friend. I'm going to give you a ride or a a squeeze. THIS is the time to PUMP UP YOUR ENERGY!!! You have helped to expand his repertoire of activities without moving away from the very thing he enjoys but by going into it.
There is a number of possible reasons why Adam wants to play these games. One main reason might simply be the exciting energy created around crying and pretending to die. When people cry, they let go and look funny and are full of emotion. This is exciting to watch. Most people probably react with extreme surprise and discomfort when asked to pretend to die! Once they get over their initial discomfort, they might then pretend to die with great gusto. All very motivating to a curious mind indeed.
My suggestion is to go ahead and continue doing what Adam wants you to do as this is an open door for interaction. He is exploring these topics and there is nothing bad or inappropriate about them. As you found out, Adam doesn't like you to change his favorite game by 'pulling back' or trying to make it 'positive'. Continuing to do this may turn it into a button push. There is no one 'right' thing to do. You can try out different things and see what happens.
Check in about how you feel about crying and dying. What are your beliefs about these topics? Quite interesting I bet an everyone has different beliefs and emotional reactions. Adam is probably really curious about all this. Remember, as facilitators, you are 'selling' beliefs to him. What are some empowering beliefs about crying and dying? Perhaps there might be some opportunities to get Adam talking about his ideas around these topics before selling him yours! His my be enlightening!
The following are some beliefs that I have about crying that I find useful:
Crying is wonderful! I am so happy I am able to cry when I want to cry. Crying is a way to communicate emotions, wants, and needs. Some people cry to get what they want. It is not easy to understand what a person wants when he or she cries. It can be helpful to encourage people to use words to get what they want instead of crying. Sometimes people just want to cry. It feels good to express myself through laughing, crying, jumping, etc. as a way to let my feelings out. Crying can be very cleansing and I usually feel better after I cry. People cry when they are sad, frustrated, angry, lonely, afraid, and when they are happy. I don't know how a person feels even when I see that they are crying.
With all these beliefs I've stated: IT IS EASY FOR ME TO BE COMFORTABLE (and even excited) about crying. This is the key.
Another point: culturally, there is already so much energy around crying and dying, you don't have to use major enthusiasm around it for Adam to be into it. Use SUPER, MEGA TONS of EXCITEMENT around things that Adam has a challenge doing such as participating in new interactive games and activities (and even slight variations of the crying / dying games).
It is not that the crying game is negative and other more typical games are positive. Everything that goes on in the playroom is an amazing learning opportunity.
Build interactions FROM his motivation of crying (versus trying to go away from it or change the game). In other words, use wherever he is to go towards what you want for him.
Make an emotion / action dice. Use a square tissue box and put a picture of someone crying on one of the sides and put pictures of people doing other actions (e.g. laughing, clapping, jumping, etc.) on the others sides. Throw the dice and do the actions together.
Take turns following each others directions. When Adam asks you to cry, do it. If he keeps asking, keep doing it and after a few times say something like: "Ok Adam, now it is your turn. I want you to....(e.g. jump, give me high five, laugh, etc.). Really encourage him strongly: "Go on Adam, I know you can do it!" CHEER HIM ON BIG TIME WHEN HE DOES.
Play a game called: Sometimes when I cry, I like to....(sing, cuddle, jump, etc.). Remember not to assume that crying means sadness.
Help Adam learn how to be a great friend to someone who is crying. After a few times of Adam asking you to cry and following his request, ask Adam to get you a tissue, a drink of water, or ask for a cuddle. If he does come to give you a cuddle, you could then say something like: "Wow, thank you Adam! You are such a nice friend. I'm going to give you a ride or a a squeeze. THIS is the time to PUMP UP YOUR ENERGY!!! You have helped to expand his repertoire of activities without moving away from the very thing he enjoys but by going into it.
Make characters pretend to cry and then ask them to use their words. Get silly and playful with it (e.g. "I have no idea what you want little duckie...please use your words.") Have a little dialogue with the characters about why they are crying and sell some empowering beliefs.
When Adam is ready, have a conversation about crying / dying. Talk about a time when you cried (what were you communicating?). Emphasize with passion what you learned from the situation.
Labels: autism, beliefs, crying, dying, emotions, games, jeannene christie
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
It's all how you look at it!
posted by Iris Tuomenoksa
This is the subtitle of our Adventures in Happiness book and it is so appropriate. Anything you experience can be explained in a thousand different ways. And it is up to you to decide which explanation you choose. Some people do not believe they choose the way they look at things, they think certain things are ingrained in our species and cannot be changed. Others believe they have some control over how they think about things, but not everything is up for questioning. Then there are also people like me, people who believe that everything is make-up, and so can be looked at and questioned at any time.
Daily, there are millions of instances that I do things a certain way, because I have been doing them that way forever! Sometimes, it suddenly doesn't give me the results that I expect or want. In these moments I like to experiment by questioning my beliefs and trying something else. These experiences seem to help me make big leaps in my development towards happiness. Here an example:
One of my little playroom friends has found a new way of interacting with others. He found out what babies find out early in live: when you cry things happen! So he cries... Sometimes he cries from the beginning of the playroom session to the end of the session, other moments he is crying from the moment he wants something he doesn’t get, and there are times he even seems to cry to get things done from people not in the room. The challenge with this is that he does not explain to us why he is crying in that instant. We do not know if it has to do with any of the reasons above or that it is because of something totally unrelated.
Yesterday morning halfway the session, this little man started to cry after his dad had come into the room to bring him some breathing medication. I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. He ignored me and started walking through the room while the tears ran freely over his face and his crying sounds came in rhythmic spurts. As I have done in earlier sessions before, I told him in a soft voice that I would go sit in the corner and that when he was ready to talk or interact with me I would be there for him.
I settled myself comfortable in the corner and watched my friend pace through the room. I felt totally comfortable and loving of him. I believed he was taking care of himself and that he knew how to get to me when needed. Every time he walked by his big teary brown eyes would look at me for an instant, and every time he looked a little longer. When he noticed that I didn't change my demeanor and was just enjoying being there with him he started to give me crying hugs and he ended up crying in my lap.
This is when something very interesting happened. He told me with words; "I will stop crying", "I will stop crying". As a mentor I immediately asked myself? Why is it that you tell yourself to stop crying? And so, I asked him: “how come?” He didn't answer. While we were rocking slowly back and forth I told my friend: "you don't have to stop crying for me. I want you to do what feels good for you." He answered me with a long crying "whawhawhawha wha" while looking in my eyes. I told him that I didn't understand what he had said, but that I felt honored that he wanted to share this with me. I also told him: "I love you. We all love you. Your daddy, your mommy, your sister, your playroom friends, we all love you no matter if you are crying or not."
David stayed in my lap and cried for maybe another ten minutes. Then he stopped, climbed out of my lap and started to play a very connected game with me in the playroom. We talked about Ratatouille (I brought in two little toy rats) and the cat that was catching the rats by their tails. The cat (moved by David) would get closer and closer to the rat and I would jell "run, run, the cat is coming"... His shining eyes and his words living proof of how we connected in that instant.
There were other things I explained David during this session at moments he was not crying. I explained him again about him having choices in any situation. The choice to cry or not to cry. The choice to use words or no words. The choice to want to connect with someone or not. The choice to want to explain what is going on for him or not. I told him that I would be in the room for two hours and would love an adore him and I told him who would be in the room after me to love and adore him. I gave his as much information as possible so could make informed decisions about how long he wanted to cry, how long he wanted to skip the bathroom, how long he wanted to play, etcetera.
On my way home I still was enjoying the connection I felt with this wonderful child. And I thought about general beliefs around crying. How would we be different if we would believe at all times that tearing and crying is not bad and has nothing to do with happy or unhappy? What if it is nothing more than a physical response deeply related to beliefs, and so this is the place to embrace the person with an open mind and ask question to help the person become aware of their beliefs?
I also was celebrating the things my friend is learning at this point. To learn that we have choices at all times and that we have the power to decide when we do what, is something that lots of people learn only later in life.
For me, I learned that my happiness does help other people to relate with me. It changes me in an open door through which music happily dances into the outside air. It is enchanting and wonderful for people who are open to hear and see it...
Daily, there are millions of instances that I do things a certain way, because I have been doing them that way forever! Sometimes, it suddenly doesn't give me the results that I expect or want. In these moments I like to experiment by questioning my beliefs and trying something else. These experiences seem to help me make big leaps in my development towards happiness. Here an example:
Yesterday morning halfway the session, this little man started to cry after his dad had come into the room to bring him some breathing medication. I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. He ignored me and started walking through the room while the tears ran freely over his face and his crying sounds came in rhythmic spurts. As I have done in earlier sessions before, I told him in a soft voice that I would go sit in the corner and that when he was ready to talk or interact with me I would be there for him.
This is when something very interesting happened. He told me with words; "I will stop crying", "I will stop crying". As a mentor I immediately asked myself? Why is it that you tell yourself to stop crying? And so, I asked him: “how come?” He didn't answer. While we were rocking slowly back and forth I told my friend: "you don't have to stop crying for me. I want you to do what feels good for you." He answered me with a long crying "whawhawhawha wha" while looking in my eyes. I told him that I didn't understand what he had said, but that I felt honored that he wanted to share this with me. I also told him: "I love you. We all love you. Your daddy, your mommy, your sister, your playroom friends, we all love you no matter if you are crying or not."
There were other things I explained David during this session at moments he was not crying. I explained him again about him having choices in any situation. The choice to cry or not to cry. The choice to use words or no words. The choice to want to connect with someone or not. The choice to want to explain what is going on for him or not. I told him that I would be in the room for two hours and would love an adore him and I told him who would be in the room after me to love and adore him. I gave his as much information as possible so could make informed decisions about how long he wanted to cry, how long he wanted to skip the bathroom, how long he wanted to play, etcetera.
On my way home I still was enjoying the connection I felt with this wonderful child. And I thought about general beliefs around crying. How would we be different if we would believe at all times that tearing and crying is not bad and has nothing to do with happy or unhappy? What if it is nothing more than a physical response deeply related to beliefs, and so this is the place to embrace the person with an open mind and ask question to help the person become aware of their beliefs?
I also was celebrating the things my friend is learning at this point. To learn that we have choices at all times and that we have the power to decide when we do what, is something that lots of people learn only later in life.
Labels: all blogs, crying, iris tuomenoksa, son-rise
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