Belief Makers

Labels: faith clarke, love

I mentioned last week that Jaedon has a new fascination with spit.  He collects it in his mouth, filling up his cheeks until he has a natural fish face.  He swishes it around in his mouth, making the most interesting noises.  He often wants to speak, and finding his mouth full, he then hums the words.  Sometimes he even tries to speak.... though it is not much clearer than humming.  Sometimes he starts to giggle and spit comes trickling, or gushing out.

It was about a year ago that I first started writing about my journey in the world of loving acceptance, and the nudge that drooling  was for me.

I'm fanatical about smells. My mom works in a home for people with significant physical and developmental challenges.  Many of her clients are in wheel chairs, with feeding tubes.  None of them speak.  I visited her at work one day.  One of the first things I noted was the smell.  It wasn't the 'nothing' smell of an ordinary home.  It wasn't the warm fragrant smell of food and other pleasantries.  It wasn't even a bad smell, like garbage or poop.  It was an odd smell of stale disinfectant and other cleaners.  Many body fluids of various sorts were emitted throughout the day and cleanup was a steady ritual.  Whenever Mummy got home in the evenings, she   disrobed and took all her clothes to the laundry room, showered and washed her hair.  The smell of her  job was now in the laundry room.

When Jay was about 4 and still not anywhere close to being potty trained, I remember deciding that no matter what, he wouldn't smell.  I am a fastidious changer of pull-ups, an over-user of wipes and all kinds of cleaning agents and essential oils.  I can become discombobulated if I return home after a day away, and there is anything but the smell of childhood coming from Jay's direction.

Now, the science of pee and poop smell management I have down pat.  Spit now, was totally something else.

After years of learning to see things in new and different ways, it's as if there is an argument going on in my mind.  I can easily think of 3 possible wonderful things happening with Jay as he holds spit in his mouth:

• He's increasing his muscle tone
• Circulation in his mouth area is increasing so his lips are much less dry, almost pink
• He may be stimulating saliva production and this may be helping with digestion

Labels: autism, faith clarke, parenting, smells

Last week I walked into the bridal shop to try a dress for my girlfriend's wedding in the summer.  This particular shop seems to have the market share for brides, bridesmaids and prom going teens in the area.  Everyone went there.  I walked in, told the customer service rep. the bride's name, and was encouraged to browse because 'Susan' (name changed to protect the guilty) was going to serve me.

I have to admit a few things.  My heart dropped when I recognised Susan to be a Jamaican woman.  My belief that customer service from Jamaicans is less than desirable immediately came to the surface.  I ought to know.  I'm Jamaican.  It's not that all Jamaicans give poor service, but let's say that the reputation exisits (See Misery's West Indian Restaurant).  This is not a sociological treatment of the whys and where-with-alls of the situation.  This is just me exploring the effects of my belief.


Enough said about that.  By the time I left the store, I was mad at the owners for treating their monopoly with little care, mad at the customer service person for putting me, a Jamaican woman, to be served by the other Jamaican woman in the store, mad at Susan for being inatttentive.... With the uncomfortable irritation present, I started to ask mysefl the questions.  Why was I so mad?  Several thoughts came to mind, but the thought path I was most attracted to was this one:

• I expected Susan to give poor service
• Susan treated me as I expected
• I didn't get what I wanted (which I didn't expect...hmmm)
• I judged her for not giving me what I wanted
• I compared myself with her, and determined that my customer service is not like hers! (so I need to judge something as bad to see what I do as useful and beneficial?)
• My negative judgement of her justified my anger
• If I got angry enough, it would give me courage to say something to someone about the service

Just looking at it, I saw how not helpful, even tedious, most of those responses were.  First, by expecting the service to be poor, I set the stage for the judgement.  I didn't position myself as a loving, accepting presence.  As I think about it now, what if I had put Susan in my mental playroom?  How would I have responded to her?  What if I engaged her with the thought that she is doing the best she can given whatever she is believing right now, and I can just cheer her on, celebrate (internally) the 70% of her service that was useful and be grateful?

As I write this, I realize that Susan is just an example of my response when I don't get my way.  I have also been getting pretty angry with the children, too.  Their explorations and enthusiasm to act out whatever comes to mind has not been met with much celebration by me.  Dog-gone-it! They should just do things my way! Forget the lofty ideals. My conversation to them sounds very similar to the tantrums they throw...

Yet, as I reposition mysslf mentally, they are such wonderful kids, eager to learn and explore.  I can lose grumpy and take gratitude!  It's just a switch of the gears.

Labels: angry, beliefs, faith clarke, grateful

Continuing on this theme of Jaedon's teachings....


Today, one of our new volunteers went into the playroom with Jaedon.  Jaedon had just asked me for nuts and I shared with him that we didn't have any, but that I would get him some grapes.  While in the kitchen, I could hear Jay in the playroom protesting vehemently, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying.  As I brought the grapes up to the volunteer, I did a quick check in with her.  She had not experienced Jay crying before and we hadn't yet talked about strategies to deal with crying.  She shared that she felt somehow the crying was her fault.  I quickly encouraged her to see crying in some different ways, told her Jay wanted nuts and we had none, gave her the grapes and left.  They were together for about 45 minutes before I called her for some feedback.


Much of my journey with Jay feels like a cycle of him doing something, I get uncomfortable, I explore, I get comfortable, he does something else.... Well, I don't get uncomfortable about everything he does.  Things fall in categories and I become comfortable about much of the variations within the category... but there are always variations I don't expect and of course, new categories.  Some days, I just want it all to stop.  Enough with the new things!  Haven't I grown and questioned enough?  Apparently not.


Iris commented on last week's post: 


Being a student about beliefs, I want to point out something you wrote above: "Initially, Jaedon seems to interact with them strongly, almost showing them how much fun their time could be. At some point, they will each get to see the powerful reflecting image too". Do you see the words "initially, almost, could, at some point". What are the beliefs that you are selling here? How come? How useful is it for you, Jeadon and your team?


As I think about the questions, the first set of thoughts are disorganized around the theme of fear.  I'm no longer afraid of Jaedon's future.  I am afraid that the volunteers will not continue to move themselves from discomfort to comfort as they encounter various behaviors.  Jaedon is a charmer. Hardly anyone meets him without falling in love.  I feel like falling in love is fleeting and I don't know if they have the stamina to stay in love.  Seems like I think loving takes stamina...hmmm.  I still find some behaviors challenging (like the new behavior of collecting spit in his mouth until his cheeks puff out ... followed by bursting into giggles) and am constantly reformulating the beliefs I have (he's not regressing, he's finding a way to strengthen the muscle tone in his mouth area). I am constantly widening my Platform of Acceptance. I'm afraid they won't stick with the challenge, to figure it out.


It's funny, I spent maybe 20 minutes talking with this volunteer, helping her explore some of her discomfort.  After 2 sessions with Jay, she was both eager and unsure.  A younger relative of hers has autism and her interactions with him are different from what I'm teaching her to do with Jay.  She was uncertain of her ability to 'get it'.  I think she was ready to pack it in.


Amidst the beliefs about volunteers and their tenacity, I have clarified a few anchoring beliefs.  They help keep me sane while I work on everything.  This idea of Jaedon being the teacher is one of those.  I am definitely in the classroom.  I encouraged her that if she wanted to get it, we would both take it a step at a time, and that Jaedon would help her.


Today, I worked with 4 of our 5 new volunteers at different times. I had many opportunities to worry about them and all their possible stuff.  Instead I decided that they were all learning, as am I.  Everything is part of the learning. I have learned to feel comfortable with Jay running out of the playroom, or down the stairs or screaming or poop accidents. Today I was learning to be comfortable with someone else learning.  I was learning to let go of my desire to script another person's learning process to ensure that the outcome is what I want.  After all is said, either a volunteer becomes comfortable with something or they don't, but I don't have to stand at this point, projecting to their discomfort and choosing discomfort.


Iris, I'm sure there is more here, but this is my brain dump of today.  By next week, I should have taken some time to talk about/explore my spit issues and why the dickens it should be more significant to me than poop!  I'll tell you what I discover!

Labels: autism, beliefs, faith clarke, parenting

In January, the children and I were thrown in to a world of horses and royalty and dressage and Austrian culture by the book, White Stallion of Lipizza.  It is a beautiful story of dreaming, persevering and accomplishing.  It introduced me to this idea of the stallion being the teacher.  Borina, the Lipizzaner stallion teaches Hans, the young austrian boy, the ins and outs of dressage.  There were times when the stallion did all the movements perfectly, independent of input from the young Hans, almost as if to show him how the movement should actually be done. Then, Borina would more accurately respond to Hans' less than correct input (throwing Hans off or dragging his hind quarters in an undignified fashion) helping in the potential riding master's learning process.

The story reminds me of Jaedon's teachings.  Now that I'm clear on the fact that he is teaching and I am positioning myself as his student.  Many of his responses mirror my internal thoughts and feelings, and give me the opportunity to explore them more deeply.  As he reflects my discomfort to me, I see it more clearly.

I'm also his manager, helping other willing students have access to his lessons.  This week, I had the pleasure of adding 5 new students to Jaedon's classroom.  Read about my journey here.  Their first goal learning to let go of any need to 'fix' Jay and to really have fun being a loving, peaceful presence in his life.  Initially, Jaedon seems to interact with them strongly, almost showing them how much fun their time could be. At some point, they will each get to see the powerful reflecting image too.  How will they respond?  I really want to help them, guide them in this process.  Yet, I feel myself go tense at the ensuing thoughts: 5 new volunteers!  How will I manage? Can I teach them all?  I'm realizing that these thoughts add to my confusion (some days yes! some days no!) about having a large team of volunteers working with Jay.

Reframing all that in my head is such a relief.  I live with the master teacher! I'm just a facilitator, a midwife in my volunteer's process.  Every volunteer will go as far and connect as deeply as they each want to.  While I hope they do, and I continue to look for ways to inspire them, I can take myself off the hook.  I'm not making them.

I'm hopeful and excited, anticipating the next few weeks for all of us.   I'm getting to practice this new way of being with Jaedon and they are getting to learn from him more directly.... I keep refining this whole volunteer training thing.  Who knows what it will become next?

Labels: autism, beliefs, faith clarke, volunteers

I started this week with a wonderful realization: my son Jaedon was sent to me so that can take what I learn and offer it to others.  Jaedon's name means God has heard and I think I finally got it.  Jaedon is God's gift to me and I get to offer him and all he teaches to others.  This isn't a new thought for me, but I settled into it in new ways this week.

Lessons in Progress...
What is Jaedon teaching?

1. Be Loving and Accepting.  He doesn't need people to be a particular way to accept them.  He just does.  It seems to me that the more we show him loving acceptance, the more of his love we get to see.   Maybe showing loving acceptance is for us then?
2. Be yourself.  Jaedon just does Jaedon.  He doesn't try to be anyone else and he is happiest when we aren't trying to make him into someone else
3. Be Happy.  Jaedon is primarily a happy boy.  He doesn't worry too much about what others think!
4. Be a mirror.  Jaedon allows us to see ourselves, our reactions, our discomforts, our fears, without judging them.  He doesn't protect us from our discomfort.  He let's us choose our feelings and gives us the opportunity to reflect on it as being about us.  It's not about him!

Labels: faith clarke

Today, I had coffee with a mom of a child with autism.  I will be meeting with another mom next week tuesday and another on wednesday.  I invariably meet other moms with children with ASD and I ask them if they would like to talk.  They do.

Let me rewind.  If I gave you $5 million to spend in the next 5 years, what would you do?  If you didn't spend it, you would have to pay me back with interest or go to jail!  How would you spend your days?  Where would you spend your money?  Now that the rent and food is covered, would you go to your current job?  Since you can afford to travel, where would you go?   These are a few questions I asked myself years ago, and I review them constantly.  The more I think about the questions, the clearer the answer becomes.  My last questions are usually something like:Do I need to wait until I have the money to do what I really want to be doing?  What would I need to change today to move closer to doing these things that I really want to be doing?

I can't say that the changes were dramatic, but step by step, thinking about doing one small thing, then doing it, I find myself sharing myself and my  experiences wherever I think it might help and having a blast!

Since my current schedule is a little tight (home business, home schooling, full time relationship based program for Jay), one mom said to me that she couldn't do what I do, almost as if I'm a super mommy.  She was referring to a comment I made about creating additional income to fund my son's special diet, supplements, therapy and the like.  I don't know what to say when people make comments that suggest I'm doing something unusual.  I'm doing what I want to do.  Every piece of my full life came to me like the right lotto number on the little spinning balls.  It just fell right in place.  I don't have to run my  business or talk to parents.  I get to!

This morning, on my way to an appointment, I had a clear mental  picture (a vision?) of a dark skinned woman with no means, no money, no food, maybe no clean water.  Her children were running all around her. One had autism.  I don't know if she knew it was autism.  I just know that she knew she couldn't have the same expectations of him as she has of her other kids, who have to be really good at helping themselves in these desperate times.  I wondered, Can I share with her about intervention?  About stimulating language? About increasing eye contact?  I don't know.  What I knew was that I wanted to come alongside her in her journey, offer an arm, a shoulder, whatever.

This picture isn't strange to me.  I spent the first 20+ years of my life in Jamaica.  There, intervention for autism (intervention for almost anything, actually) is for the minority.  I remember a heart breaking story told to me by one of the 3 speech pathologists on the island at the time.  She worked with an under-serviced population who were put on a list to get discounted speech therapy.  When their turn came, they got 10 weeks of therapy, and were sent on their way.   She told me of a day when she heard a rukus outside her office, and went outside to observe a mother severely punishing her son (I won't give details) and she asked what was happening.  The mom replied that she was calling her son and he was ignoring her and not answering.

Such communities experience fear because of what they don't know and don't understand.  My heart went out to the boy, but more so to the mom.  If she could beat the autism out of him, her life and his would be difficult in the more typical ways.  I have so many pictures of rural communities that could do with support, where kids with challenges are misunderstood and parents feel tortured.

So one step at a time, one person at a time.  A connection here, a connection there.  I get to network with amazing people who are passionate about helping, who encourage me and give me energy to reach out more and more. I get to run a business from my home, that hopefully, will provide enough income, so that I can organize 'help' (not sure what it would look like yet) and fund it, instead of spending my time asking people who don't have my vision to spend their money to help.  I get to do that.  What a life!

Enough about me.  What about you?  I cannot imagine the wealth of passion and desire you have inside you that could be directed somewhere?  If you weren't spending all your time to make money to eat food and sleep inside somewhere warm, what would you be doing with your time? Find out.  Do it.  It's your life.  Live it.

Labels: autism, faith clarke, life, passion

I have to say it: I love you guys!  Most of you I don't know, but I really  appreciate the space to share, explore and get feedback.  Just one comment or question can stir an entire wave of thought and action.

Last time I wrote about being late and wanting to be curious about that.  I received a great comment about making being on time a priority.  That started me thinking: What do I prioritize when I am preparing to leave my home?  Honestly, I prioritize everything being in good shape so that when I come back home, I don't have a crisis to manage.  So anything that even slightly suggests I will have more work to do when I get back home, flashes like a huge neon light saying 'Do It Now'.  That is funny, because so many other things flash another sign 'Do It Later'.   I must think about that...  Anyway, back to the lateness.  So getting where I am gong early or on time has a lower priority than damage prevention at home.

The concern about damage at home isn't confined to the moments immediately after I get back home, but can be extrapolated into the near or distant future.  I seem to enjoy taking all the things I see in the moment that I don't like and projecting them into the future, and scaring myself into a flurry of activity.  What if Jaedon keeps throwing stuff behind the couch? (so I stop to add encouraging, energetic, enthusiastic words aimed at stopping this activity) What if they don't eat well and develop all the ailments that come from junk food?  What if...?  As the what ifs run through my mind, I race around trying to put them out, multitasking like a maniac!  Before I can even recognize the path I'm on, another demand rushes in, another voice, the phone....  Too many priorities...

So on this matter of priorities, I am realizing 2 things:

• Prioritizing the experimentation with fear and the resulting flurry of activity isn't helping me get where I'm going on time (among other things).  While I continue to look at the value of scaring myself, my gratitude shortcut to happiness helps me regain focus in the moment.  I take a moment, look at the fear and let it go.
• There are some legitimate priorities that I juggle.  I want to prepare food and whatever else for the children to help whoever will be holding the fort in my absence.  If I am traveling with the children, I want to be prepared for the eventualities that I know about because being prepared helps me feel more comfortable during those trips.  I want to prioritize both my preparedness and my getting where I'm going on time!  

The challenge with multiple priorities is one that many face.  You know about the cost, quality, time triangle, right?  It basically says that there is no such thing as a cheap, good quality product that was made quickly.  Say you are prioritizing both cheap travel and getting to France quickly... It will be a rough trip!  Or it may take a long time to become someone like a flight attendant or someone else who qualifies for cheap travel.  With multiple priorities, there will likely be a trade-off.  If I have limited time and multiple priorities, chances are, I will be late.  If I give myself more than adequate time, and focus on only the legitimate priorities, I can be on time!

Labels: faith clarke, late, priotities

This is but one in countless examples of me being late.  Pre-children, getting somewhere on time was challenging for me.  I recall numerous detentions for lateness from Sr. James Vincent, as I was dropped to school by my father.  Maybe he had problems with lateness.  I only got to school on time when I travelled with Desiree, the girl up the hill from me who also went to my school.  Her father insisted that she got to school by 7:20am.  They often met me huffing and puffing as I ran up the hill to their house.

I had probably just gotten it all sorted out during early adulthood.  I got to work on time while teaching.  I think this was primarily because I made sure my classes started at a reasonable time: 10:00 am.  Routines, structure, predictability and knowing my own inner rhythms help me to get where I'm going punctually.

Then came kids!  What inner rhythms?  What routines?  I noticed that with each child, I have to add 30 minutes to what I would consider 'normal' preparation time.  So, if I am to pay attention to that bit of information, I should have started kid preparation at 9:30 for the 11:00 appointment this morning.  That means other prep would need to have happened before 9:30.  I feel nauseous thinking about that.  I'm definitely not a morning person, so early morning prep as the sole adult can be a daunting task.

I think it comes back to my planning strategies.  I need more of them.  I have noticed that I do 2 things that increase the likelihood of my being late:

1. I overestimate what can be done in 5 minutes.  There is always this huge list of things I think I need to do.  So I'm leaving the house and I notice that I can't find my notebook.  I check behind the couch, the new spot for lost things (a.k.a. things swiped by Jaedon for hoarding) and indeed, there it is!  I also notice that several items of silverware, some bowls, open markers, lipstick and other odds and ends are also stashed.  Aware that I wasn't late, I call for a broom and set to clearing out behind the couch.... 10 minutes later, I'm frantic.  Another scenario is my noticing that I'm 5 minutes ahead and decide that I should have my smoothie, instead of the nothing I was planning to eat before I left.  After all, isn't this better for my body?  Then, since there is no point making just mine, I make for everyone, then call them, distribute the smoothies, change my sweater because of the spilled smoothie on it, clean smoothie off the floor,....  You get the idea.
2. I don't plan for the things I can't control.  This is a big one for me.  Why not say something like 'Smoothie prep - 30 mins'?  My time slots are always done based on best case scenarios.  It's like I think best case is 'normal' and unplanned happenings are anomolies.  Yet I experience many unplanned happenings daily.  Perhaps is would be easier to plan for them if I even acknowledged that they were possible.  As I stood in traffic on the I-87 because of an accident, I thought "Traffic on the 87 is quite normal.  How come I don't expect it?"

Reframing
I'm going to think about this some more...

• Not allotting enough prep time seems to be an efficiency issue for me.  If I give too much time, I will get less done.  If I'm not hurrying, I could have gotten more done.  I can't just say to myself 'Smoothie Prep - 30 mins' because there is another part of me that's saying 'that's ridiculous! You know it doesn't take you that long to make a smoothie'.  So I'm going to continue thinking about my beliefs around what is efficient and what isn't.  
• I would like to reframe my thoughts on normal vs anomalous happenings. I plan for normal.   I usually have enough information to decide that something is normal.  Jaedon has been throwing stuff downstairs for a few days, Zachary's sense of appropriate clothing choices isn't fully developed yet, there is usually traffic on the 87.  Like the child with autism, I can be inflexible.  I resist adjusting my mental pictures to integrate my 'don't wants'.  So, I continue to be startled.

Out of the Closet
My strategy for dealing with lateness is very different from my typical strategy for personal growth.  Usually, I talk about anything I'm thinking about.  I read about it, I write about it, and share what I'm learning with others and get their thoughts.  Lateness has such a bad rap in this part of the world (it's seen differently in Jamaica, where typically weddings start 2 hours after the stated time) that I hide from it and prefer to pretend that I'm late just this once.  That has to do with what I think people may think about me.   They are probably thinking it anyway, and my thinking about it in secret hasn't been helping me, so I'm outing myself.  I tend to be late and I'd like to spend the next couple of weeks allowing myself to really be curious about this.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  How do you figure this out?

Next week:  I do actually get to some places on time.  I wonder what I'm thinking about and believing in those situations?

Labels: beliefs, faith clarke, late

Jaedon  went to the doctor today!  I was (mostly) happy and comfortable for the entire visit!!  Let me give you some background so you can know how huge this is.

Jay is hypersentive to light and sound.  He has NEVER tolerated doctor's intruments being used anywhere near his body, especially the ones with lights.   This phenomenon did not mysteriously start with his autism diagnosis at 30 months.  This started at birth.  So, at 5 months old when he somehow scraped his eye ball with a finger nail, The pediatrician didn't have the privilege of actually seeing the scrape because he would not allow anyone to hold his eye lids apart to look inside his eye.  Honestly, 2 adults working together couldn't get a 5 month old baby's eye lids to co-operate.  The power of the human spirit with a strong intention!

• Jaedon spent about 10 minutes examining the doctor's instruments!  He looked at the light, turned it every which way, flicked it rapidly from side to side, put it in his ear, I pretended to look in the ear and congratulated him for letting me.
• The doctor let him do all this!!!  She didn't even blink when he whisked the gadget down and began his thorough examination.  I have to admit that in that moment, I was tempted with discomfort (How much do these things cost?).  Her calm helped remind me how useful it is to stay calm, though watchful, in moments like these.  I love this woman!

1. Examine a situation for unnecessary stressors and change them
2. The power of a clear intention is ... powerful
3. Unpleasant doctor's visits today don't mean unpleasant doctor's visits tomorrow.  I can throw out the belief that all doctors visits will be horrible.  Not only am I growing and changing, but so is Jay!

Labels: autism, faith clarke, intention

My flight to Orlando leaves 6:25 am 2/11/2010. Isaiah and I are going to have a much needed weekend break. I planned to attend a conference in Orlando and I convinced him to come with me. We booked our trip almost 2 days earlier than needed and I am really excited to be away, in a warm spot (NO SNOW), sitting in a hot tub, relaxing, with my honey! The Ultimate!

That was how I was thinking yesterday. Today,I face the cancellations of all the flights in our area due to the 12 inches of snow on the ground and winds at 30 mph. There are no available flights to Orlando until sunday. Am I disappointed to be missing the conference? Somewhat. But I can find another one. So why this deep sadness about no trip to Florida this weekend? It's as if I believe the opportunity won't come again for a long time....

I created this entire trip for us. I organized childcare and negotiated with Isaiah, who has taken no vacation in 5 years. I scraped money from odd places. I looked forward to it like a marathon runner looks forward to the spot where they get the much needed sip of water (I think...I have never done a marathon).

Why sadness? I think I'm sulking. I want accolades for the level of detail in the arrangements I made. I want Isaiah to pick up the vacation planning baton and run with it. I don't think he will and I don't want to restart all the planning.

I'm sulking because I didn't get what I want. It reminds me of an episode of The Practice that I watched: A doctor's 15 year old daughter is pregnant and wants to get married to her boyfriend: a chaotic situation at best. The doctor is struggling to even talk to her daughter,and is talking with her friend,a psychologist. At the end of the conversation, the psychologist said 'You want to check out because you didn't get what you want'

Is that what I'm doing? Instead of engagement and moving forward,I want to sit in my corner and feel bad? To what end?

Sulking comes from a place of believing that a positive,upbeat attitude will not get me what I want. I would like external resources (people around to say and do particular things to feed me emotionally and help me to plan the vacation!) and I think sulking will draw attention to my need. Sulking is useful if it energizes the people around you to give you what you want.

I have done it for 4 hours or so now and I'm not finding much value in it. It may get me some sympathy. Girlfriends are full of 'hush' and 'hugs'. My mom said "Great,so you can do my hair tomorrow!" So much for sympathy. Isaiah isn't a girlfriend, so no 'hush' and 'hugs' there. Though acts of sympathy from him would be superficially satisfying, the primary desire is for some time away. The idea of no vacation is downright reprehensible right now. So what will I do? To sulk or not to sulk,that is the question.

OK. Let's pretend. What would it be like if I believed I could go after and get what I want ?

I would:

• energetically negotiate with the hotel in Orlando for a refund or useful credit and if that fails, call the people who want us to look at a time share in Orlando and reactivate that.
• find another free weekend that the babysitters would be available (cross referencing my calendar, Isaiah's calendar and the baby-sitters' calenders)
• use the credit from the airlines to book another flight

That's the plan! Pretending really works! Thanks for listening, Remind me to tell you about my vacation plans next time! After all, I was the one that created the vacation plan in the first place. I'll just do it again!

P.S. I just got an email from a dear friend who said "I guess the universe has another grand plan" Wow! What if I held that belief firm and acted on that? I would excitedly go in search of the new grand plan, the next adventure. I will take that attitude into my re-arrangements tomorrow.

Labels: beliefs, faith clarke, vacation

This year, I have been really focusing on creating energy for myself. I have been really busy, the children have been wanting my attention a lot!

• Simonne has started to wake up in the nights, just as Jaedon is beginning to go to bed at the reasonable time of 1:30am.
• I often wake up in the mornings feeling like several blows were dealt to my neck and back. Isaiah, feeling the same way, thinks it's Zachary kicking us in the nights (Zach also wakes up every night, and has a particular penchant for sleeping pasted unto someone's body, with feet resting on someone else's body.)
• Jaedon, who is making a lot of progress, feels like he is on 'speed', a rambunctious 3 year old in an 11 year old body. He's all over the place at once, asserting his wants, pursuing them, exploring new things.... particularly his siblings art supplies! He took some of Simonne's painting markers and removed the felt points that put the paint on the paper. She tearfully commented that when Jaedon starts talking more, he will have so many apologies to give!

Labels: energy, faith clarke, gratitude

I had a fascinating conversation with a friend, an educator of Math educators,who is getting frustrated with the educators she is educating, and would like to bypass them, and go straight to the point, the mathematics students!  We started talking about big ideas in mathematics: those that give the most bang for the buck, the most benefit for the effort.  She feels that there are relatively few, and when they are mastered and expanded upon, bring enjoyment and satisfaction in most mathematics education. Unfortunately, she says, most teachers and students spend much of their time focused on the smaller ideas, which,by themselves can seem quite irritating and irrelevant.  This leads to math frustration and many people,  faced with some differentiation or imaginary numbers, decide that mathematics is just not for them.

I was pretty excited at this insight.  What are these big ideas in mathematics?  I certainly didn't know them and I taught math grades 7-12 and first year college level algebra and probability theory.  I can be really good at following an algorithm, no understanding necessary (I spent many years thinking about whether computers can demonstrate intelligence, the Turing Test and ELIZA).

 Now that I'm doing second and third grade math with Simonne, I'm really fascinated by how much I'm learning!  Now, if I could get a handle on what these big ideas are....  I asked my friend,and she rattled off a few.  I only caught one.  She said that if a child becomes comfortable with the concept of complements, large chunks of mathematical processing become easier.

For example, the complements in 10 are 9 and 1, 8 and 2,7 and 3 and all the other pairs of numbers that add to 10.  The picture shows how a very small child would become comfortable with this idea by building a wall with cuisenaire rods such that every row has only 2 rods, except for the first row,which has the orange rod (the orange rod represents something 10 units long).  Even before a child knows that 7+3 = 10, he understands that the orange rod is the same as the black rod and the light green rod put together.

One possible expansion of the idea of complements is in finding change from $1 (or $10 or $100...any other) can be done easily by knowing the complements in 10 for the rightmost digit,and the complements in 9 for all the others!  Try it.  What change would you give me if I gave you $100 for a $67 item?

Ok,what has this to do with the 20%?  It's from that guy Parento and his notion that 20% of causes lead to 80% of the effects.  I'm already doing this in a few areas:

• In Jay's home program, I decided that being able to relate and communicate was the 20% that I was going to make really big.  I decided that the other skills, like being able to write his name, though useful,would fall into the 80% that wouldn't really go far in getting me what I wanted for Jay.
• In business, I decided that being able to connect with people and be helpful is my continuously expanding 20%,vs the 80% of product specific knowledge
• In my relationship with Isaiah, I notice we experience the jet stream when we pay attention to the big things that are so big,they seem invisible, like the things we enjoy experiencing, our common passions and visions.  I try out hyper focussing on the small stuff that I allow to take up space, but don't add value.  I haven't found that useful.
• I'm on a quest to figure out what the 20%  is in Mathematics, so my kids can really learn something, instead of fronting,the way I did for so many years.  

Labels: big ideas, cuisenaire rods, faith clarke, pareto

I've been thinking about breaking my internal watch. So many things are driven by time! I think time is a great construct, but can I just have it there as a structure, like the walls in my house, and not think about it all the time? The more I think about time, the less present I am. When I have lots to do, it's hard for me to settle down to allow the time required for 'slow' tasks, like being in the playroom or reading to my kids.

Don't get me wrong! I'm much better than I was. I just want to continue being aware that time is just a concept, a way of framing what we do, not something that controls me, and that I'm in control.

It comes back to being fully in every moment. The funny thing is that when I plan my time well, I can actually forget about time. For me, something as simple as blocking time for an activity frees me incredibly to enjoy the moments and be fully there.

A great example of this was one day last week. I cleared some time to read a Zachary story, a Simonne story, and then do some Math. I knew I had until 3pm to do those three things.

Once the time was cleared, I broke the watch! I decided not to watch time, to really relax and enjoy the interactions. This was not about checking something off my list.

We started by reading Saturn For My Birthday, and didn't go any further! We got sucked into an entire unit study on Saturn, why the planet would float, the relative size to earth, the moons, the solar system in general. We then looked at every other planet, the length of its days, its years, and so on.

I unearthed several books on the topic and we had a field day. Actually, a field ten-days. I was able to expose my inner artist (I did the sun and the background of the picture you're seeing below) and the children thoroughly enjoyed drawing and painting the planets and moons. Zachary wants to make a solar system mobile, so our Saturn inspired activities may continue for some time.

This is what happens when I create space for something,then allow the thing to completely saturate the space: delectable!

Yet, there is something about stopping to plan my time, the steady call of all the activities demanding my attention, that keeps me from planning. I have told myself that 'planning' is less important than 'doing'. (Hmmm... assessment or judgment?)

So, I've decided, if doing is important, then maybe planning is important too. Here's how I plan to help myself (I've decided to make this one of my challenges as I work with me in my own playroom). I will be challenging myself to see planning my time as a wonderful and enjoyable activity that gives me more time for what I want to do.

To do this:

1. I will enthusiastically and thoroughly celebrate all my attempts to plan
   
2. I will invite others to share planning time with me, because I enjoy people around me working on a similar project
   
3. I will actively recognize that there is no one to reprimand me for not planning, but me!
   

So don't be surprised if you hear me saying:

"Guess what I did today? I sat for ten full minutes and thought about what we would do in our home school tomorrow! It was wonderful!!"

If you really love doing and don't love planning, then maybe it's time to view planning as a wonderful way to help your doing! By planning our time, we can completely forget about time. By paying attention to time, we can ignore it. What a luxury!

Have great fun planning your time and then forgetting about it!

Labels: faith clarke, homeschool, planning, present, solar system

...or, Did Anything Really Change?

I was sitting in a diner with a friend this evening, talking about the things that we allow to fuel our feelings of sadness or happiness. She is a recent college graduate and has not yet found a job in her chosen career path. She feels uncertain about the future, about where (in which country or state) she will live and what she will do. Sometimes, she is doing fabulously, thinking about her bright future, focused on actualizing her dreams. At other times, she feels lost and wonders about her ability to navigate her world. We were talking about some of that this evening, and I wondered: What internal changes prompted her change in response? What changed?

From Not Knowing to Knowing
My husband had to tell his personal assistant that she no longer had a job due to whatever companies say these days. As far as he was concerned, she was doing a great job. Last week, she was feeling comfortable. This week, she is not. What changed?

From Genius to Globally Delayed
I look back on my journey with Jaedon. Being my first born, I had no prior frame of reference; everything he did was amazing. He started staring at his toes and fingers at 3 months, and didn't stop for years. I thought he was incredibly smart. "You are going to be a scientist, the way you are studying those fingers!"

Jaedon could find the pivoting point of any object and set that object spinning for seconds, no matter how irregular its shape. "Amazing!", I thought.

Then, a few months later, I was introduced to the idea of autism and all the related jargon. Looking at his hand became 'posturing' and 'stereotypical behaviors'. Spinning objects became 'perseveration'. I moved from amazed to depressed. I started telling Jaedon "Stop looking at those hands! People will think something is wrong with you!" It was no longer amazing or smart to me. What changed?

Jay improved so much between the time we originally tried to get an assessment at 22 months and his official assessment at 30 months, that I went into the Kennedy Center full of optimism. He was looking people in the eyes, going over to people with interest, playing with toys... This was amazing!

When I read the report they wrote about him, I wondered "which child are they writing about?" He was what? Globally delayed in all domains? Moderate to severe autism according to the CARS rating? I was devastated. What changed?

I allowed someone else's voice to be louder than my own internal voice (a bunch of unhelpful beliefs there). I threw out my voice that said, "This is wonderful", and substituted a voice that I had given authority, a voice that said, "This is horrible."

My son was exactly the same boy that I was awed by just 24 hours earlier; yet, I had embraced something completely different. Once I gave up my own voice, everything started changing all the time. My whole frame of mind and my perspective all depended on whom I spoke to and the credibility I gave them. I would then replay their voices over and over in my head to firmly establish their unhelpful thoughts in my mind. What changed?

Back to the Diner
My friend seems to be doing the same thing I did with Jaedon and all my advisers. Hopefully, she will talk soon to someone who gives her a chance to explore her beliefs and find her own answers. Tonight, I was not that person. I just told her to stop it! (see the link in the title...I know, but watch it, hilarious!)

I guess I was really talking to myself. Honestly, why should I give up my own voice, my own good feelings, and place higher value on the thoughts and feelings of others? It just results in me embracing negative beliefs about my life and situation. No! I decided not to do that anymore and encouraged my friend to do the same.

OK... maybe I will gift her a dialogue with Iris, just in case my Stop It! didn't help.

Amazing Me, Amazing You
I've decided to look for new opportunities in every life happening. I can find ways to help my son, who is amazing, communicate more effectively, just as I can find ways to help my 'typical' children do so many other things more effectively. In both cases I can celebrate their existing amazingness while moving happily towards their future amazingness. No need to motivate myself with fear that they aren't really as amazing as I thought, or, that I'm not as amazing as they need me to be.

I can maintain my idea that I am amazing, that my husband is amazing, that my kids are amazing, that you are amazing, even if external things happen that I may not like or want, even if others tell me otherwise.

My wish for you is that you will do the same (no dialogues required), no matter what comes your way.

When you hear a new opinion, receive a new assessment, finally get the news, remember, nothing has really changed.

You are still the amazing you that you were yesterday!

PS, Please enjoy this inspiring example of alternatives to the dialogue.

Labels: all blogs, change, faith clarke

That was the question Isaiah asked me as we watched the ball drop, January 1, 2010.  I remembered quite well where the decade went, but I understood his question. The accomplishments of the 90's feel very clear.  We had life figured out.  It was a decade of many pleasant, life changing experiences. I graduated from college,moved to the U.S., went to graduate school, started a career, moved to Jamaica, got married, had a child and bought a house!  Perhaps the 90's represented us working towards and getting much of the stuff people typically set as goals.  We were steadily checking them off our list!  The external accomplishments.


The 2000's on the other hand, felt like smoke and mirrors  in many ways.  We discovered Jaedon's autism, lived apart in 2 separate countries for 2 years, then completely relocated to the U.S., sold our house, I became a stay-at-home  mom, Isaiah, having never worked for anyone but family in his life, got a job, we experienced our own personal recession, started a home business and started homeschooling.  That decade represents external and internal re-organization.  Much of  the accomplishments are somewhat invisible to all but those who know us well.  People on the periphery of our lives just saw the upheaval.  



Looking Through The Rubble....
It was a very useful upheaval.  I've discovered so many things, asked wonderful questions and found helpful answers.  I've gone through somewhat of a metamorphosis. Most things came relatively easily to me,before the 2000's. I've become more persistent, more tenacious than I was.  I would love to be even more persistent, to follow through and follow up on the things I would like to be doing, as well as persist in exploring the limits and obstacles in my path.  That will be my promise to myself for this decade.  More fundamentally, I developed a mentality I find difficult to describe.  It reminds me of my grandmother. She was a 'gangsta', a 'thug'. You know the type: relentless, determined, persistent, fierce, having a mentality that says there is no obstacle big enough, if this is something I really want.  Momsie was larger than life and I'm realizing that so am I!

Our New Building
So the 90's was like living in a beautiful building that seemed to meet all our needs.  The last decade was the gutting of that building to fortify and expand foundations, redo wiring and beams.  It's not a pretty sight to the outside world and the owners of the house can get distracted by the short (how short is short?) term upheaval.  This decade will be the construction of a whole new building, although I am sure there is still some gutting that will be done.  I'm really excited about that's ahead because I think the building will be even more beautiful and useful,certainly stronger,but also, it will be so much bigger and will serve, give shelter to many others, while keeping us dry and comfy in a variety of weather conditions..

Many construction projects get stalled. Resources run out or people change their minds.  I want to spend this month thinking about the resources needed for this project,the fuel I use as I go about my construction.  I really want to be intentional about having a steady supply and keeping my tank filled up.  I'll keep you posted on how that's going.

Thanks for listening to my new year musings.  Happy New Year!  The year isn't really new unless you are new, so make all your dreams come true in 2010 by continuing to be a New You every day!

Labels: change, faith clarke, happy new year