Belief Makers
Welcome to Belief Makers, the world's most active blog and online community focused on the Option philosophy and becoming happier.
Belief Makers offers a wide range of ideas, insights and perspectives that we hope you will find interesting, inspiring, enjoyable and challenging.
We welcome your insights, questions, suggestions, assertions and musings.
Belief Makers offers a wide range of ideas, insights and perspectives that we hope you will find interesting, inspiring, enjoyable and challenging.
We welcome your insights, questions, suggestions, assertions and musings.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Jet Lag
posted by Kathy
I am in Dublin, Ireland this week traveling on business. I love to travel. I enjoy everything about it! Meeting new people, experiencing new things, and most importantly, challenging my beliefs.
Each time I travel, I become more aware of the beliefs that I and others around me hold so dear, that we experience them as facts. Take jet lag for example. Each time I travel to a part of the world that is in a different time zone, people spend an inordinate amount of time talking about jet lag. Oh, you must be tired... How are you doing with the jet lag?... I know it is late for you... and my most recent favorite, you must want breakfast food for lunch since it's really your breakfast time.
I find all of this chatter quite amusing as it is all based on beliefs. I personally believe that "jet lag" is simply a state a mind and occurs only because people hold on to their beliefs about time relative to physiology. Last night I slept for nine hours. I ususally only get about seven hours of sleep each night but because I was in the office at 8am (3 am eastern standard time) everyone assumed I would be tired. One of my colleagues even said "Wow, you look great. Ususally when people come from the states, they look very tired."
I have no doubt they do look tired because they believe they are tired because they have certain beliefs about how their body functions at 3am. I actually believe that lots of people miss out on joyful experiences when they travel because they spend so much time believing they are tired when physically, their bodies are not tired at all!
Labels: beliefs, kathy decastro, travel
Monday, October 12, 2009
Speaking Without Language
posted by Kathy
I spent the last week in Tokyo on business. It was a wonderful week, especially once I decided not to have jet lag or worry about not speaking Japanese. Thanks to my son David, I have learned that most communication has nothing to do with language. Ironically, I was planning on writing this blog Monday morning but am up writing it on Sunday evening because I can't sleep. My not sleeping has nothing to do with jet lag and has everything to do with David chattering non stop as he giggles around the house. Who would have thought I would ever be asking my son (who for years I prayed would speak) to please be quiet so mommy could sleep. When I realized how silly this was, I simply got up, giggled myself downstairs and began my blog. In meanwhile David decided to giggle himself upstairs and go to bed. Now, I am laughing out loud at how quiet it is!
At this very moment, I am thankful for David and autism and how I have changed over the last four years. I remember a time when my trip to Tokyo would have been a huge stimulus for fear. I would have worried about the 14 hour flight, fretted about jet lag and been outright scared to enjoy the city since I didn't know the language. Many of my colleagues talked to me about sleeping pills to which I responded, "no thanks, I am sure I will sleep if I want to". After many curious looks, and head shaking, people left me alone about the drugs. Many also talked to me about the long flight and how horrible it would be. I thought "Business class... how cool, fourteen uninterrupted hours of movies, food, and drinks and I get to pick the movies." Once we arrived, I couldn't wait to go to a local coffee shop alone and experiment with my new knowledge of yen and the few Japanese words I picked up on the plane. It was a blast. I had dinner each night at well known local restaurants with new friends and didn't have a care in the world about language. I chose to be fully present whether they were speaking english or japanese and really loved how expressive people were outside of the words they chose to speak. I realized that I seemed to enjoy people more when I was just loving being with them and not worried about having clever conversation.
During dinner one evening earlier this year, I remembered how Mark and Iris love to play "tell us XX's story". My typical response when this game is started is "oh... I hate this game" and then I struggle through it to be a good sport. I realized that I was actually playing this game in Japan and loving it! When a Japanese conversation was happening, I was making up what I thought people were talking about and having fun laughing, smiling, and experiencing the "culture". It was the togetherness that was important, not the words or my ability to accurately understand what everyone was saying. I began to reflect about why I was having such an amazing time in Japan but do not always have an amazing time in similiar situations in the US. The answer was so clear that it appeared to be written in bright Hollywood lights. JUDGEMENT. When I was being "culturally prepped" by a colleague who had just returned from living in Japan he said very emphatically " be prepared, you will be judged". I remember thinking "how silly, of course I will be judged, we are all judged every day by most people we interact with, why would I care about this when I am in Japan" Aha.... so why do I not care about it in Japan but obviously do care about it when I am in the US?"Once again, Hollywood lights. The reason I care in the US is because I am judging first. I judge who's judgements matter to me and then I fear their judgements. Isn't this an interesting little circle.
With four years of going to classes at The Option Institute and running a full time Son Rise Program, I still judge the heck out of people and what do I fear most......JUDGEMENT. Here is a little exercise I plan to do this week. I will need a LOT of paper. Each day, I plan to write down every judgement I have about people and why I am judging that about the person. I will then do some self reflection about how I feel about myself relative to that judgement and if I am willing to let go of that judement (without judging my answer yes/no). I then plan to look at the things I am willing to let go of and those I am not to see if there is additional insight there. Try it with me! I'll let you know how it goes.
Love to all,
Kathy
At this very moment, I am thankful for David and autism and how I have changed over the last four years. I remember a time when my trip to Tokyo would have been a huge stimulus for fear. I would have worried about the 14 hour flight, fretted about jet lag and been outright scared to enjoy the city since I didn't know the language. Many of my colleagues talked to me about sleeping pills to which I responded, "no thanks, I am sure I will sleep if I want to". After many curious looks, and head shaking, people left me alone about the drugs. Many also talked to me about the long flight and how horrible it would be. I thought "Business class... how cool, fourteen uninterrupted hours of movies, food, and drinks and I get to pick the movies." Once we arrived, I couldn't wait to go to a local coffee shop alone and experiment with my new knowledge of yen and the few Japanese words I picked up on the plane. It was a blast. I had dinner each night at well known local restaurants with new friends and didn't have a care in the world about language. I chose to be fully present whether they were speaking english or japanese and really loved how expressive people were outside of the words they chose to speak. I realized that I seemed to enjoy people more when I was just loving being with them and not worried about having clever conversation.
During dinner one evening earlier this year, I remembered how Mark and Iris love to play "tell us XX's story". My typical response when this game is started is "oh... I hate this game" and then I struggle through it to be a good sport. I realized that I was actually playing this game in Japan and loving it! When a Japanese conversation was happening, I was making up what I thought people were talking about and having fun laughing, smiling, and experiencing the "culture". It was the togetherness that was important, not the words or my ability to accurately understand what everyone was saying. I began to reflect about why I was having such an amazing time in Japan but do not always have an amazing time in similiar situations in the US. The answer was so clear that it appeared to be written in bright Hollywood lights. JUDGEMENT. When I was being "culturally prepped" by a colleague who had just returned from living in Japan he said very emphatically " be prepared, you will be judged". I remember thinking "how silly, of course I will be judged, we are all judged every day by most people we interact with, why would I care about this when I am in Japan" Aha.... so why do I not care about it in Japan but obviously do care about it when I am in the US?"Once again, Hollywood lights. The reason I care in the US is because I am judging first. I judge who's judgements matter to me and then I fear their judgements. Isn't this an interesting little circle.
With four years of going to classes at The Option Institute and running a full time Son Rise Program, I still judge the heck out of people and what do I fear most......JUDGEMENT. Here is a little exercise I plan to do this week. I will need a LOT of paper. Each day, I plan to write down every judgement I have about people and why I am judging that about the person. I will then do some self reflection about how I feel about myself relative to that judgement and if I am willing to let go of that judement (without judging my answer yes/no). I then plan to look at the things I am willing to let go of and those I am not to see if there is additional insight there. Try it with me! I'll let you know how it goes.
Love to all,
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, judgments, kathy decastro, philosophy
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Back to School
posted by Kathy
Aly started second grade at her new school this week. All of her excitement, enthusiasm, curiosity, and fear was neatly tucked away in her new backpack in anticipation of her first day. Do you remember your first day of second grade? The smells of the recently cleaned hallways, the clicking of lockers opening, the wonder of new teachers, the excitement of seeing old friends and the opportunity for new ones?
For me, what I remember most is trying on all my new clothes the night before to pick out the perfect outfit for the first day. As Aly entertained me with her fashion show and of course chose the one outfit I didn't like, I began thinking about how much we compartmentalize our lives.
Take school for example. In Massachusetts school starts in September and ends in June. We are surrounded by different beliefs about school; one that is prevalent here is that school is "work" and summer vacation is "fun". During the school year, weekends are "fun". You learn when you are in school and you play when you are not.
These common beliefs have actually facilitated generations of people who view learning as work and therefore "harder" than play. How many of you reading this post long for the weekends so you can "relax" and have fun?
Imagine if we didn't compartmentalize our lives into school, work, family, vacation, "down time", at home, not at home, with friends, with colleagues, starting a project, taking a break, etc.
One ironic point for me personally is that I perpetuate compartmentalizing with Aly based on my beliefs about "typical" children, but I don't with David based on my beliefs about curing autism.We have been doing a Son Rise Program (relationship based, play therapy) with David for three and a half years, on average 50 hours a week. Often, when I talk about this with others, they respond in a way that demonstrates their beliefs about 50 hours a week of therapy.
They'll often respond with something like, "Wow, isn't that a lot? How do you do it? That is amazing."
My typical response is, "well, it's all play based so it's fun, it's not like focused, structured, therapy."
As I reflect on this now, I realize how ridiculous that statement really is. What I am really saying is that David's way of learning is fun and Aly's is hard work and therefore not so fun. The reality is that David has to "work" much harder to get a single word out than Aly but my beliefs about how the learning occurs differs. I now know that this is why David loves his playroom and Aly doesn't particularly like school.
I am excited to do one of the exercises that Teflon proposed in one of his recent blogs. Through some of my recent reflections, I have realized that in some cases, I am a "belief fraud". If anyone asked me about my beliefs about learning, one thing I would have said without hesitation is that "learning is fun!". My behaviors with Aly don't support that belief and I am excited to explore new behaviors that will! What beliefs will support the life you want to live? Do your behaviors support them?
Love to all!
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, kathy decastro, philosophy
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Perceived stability
posted by KathyUsually, I love my job. I spend most days helping business leaders translate their business strategies into reality through their people. Lately, I have been challenged in a different way. I have spent the last three weeks telling people that they no longer have jobs and explaining the details of their notice period, severance, and benefits. In addition, (since I am now doing 2 jobs) I have been working with leaders in a newly created business to build their people strategy. The irony of the situation is that the newly created business is all about selling parts of the businesses where the jobs no longer exist. In one moment, I am telling people who really want their job that they don't have one and in the next moment, I am telling people how the job they have has changed and in most cases is a job they don't want. To complicate things a bit more in a highly beaurocratic, risk averse, 200 year old company, the person delivering these messages (me) happens to believe that this is the best thing that could possibly happen to each person I talk to. The challenge is..... no one believes me.
I am used to the fear response when people are told that they no longer have a job but the fear response from the people who have a job but are anticipating that their jobs will go away some day has been very insightful for me. After all, don't most jobs go away some day? In the case of the new business (run off) everyone actually has more information than most people have in their everyday lives about the longevity of their particular job. Given the fact that most of us don't have the ability to see into the future, in the abscence of this information, we make it up. Many of us to chose to make up that our jobs will be there tomorrow. This is actually helpful in many ways. It is also not so helpful in many ways too.
I have been inspired by three amazing colleagues who were all recently told that they no longer have jobs. They were informed in different ways with different timeframes resulting in different feelings of anger, resentment, self doubt and fear. All three of them put their own emotions aside long enough to bond together and offer encouragement to one another. What blossomed was an amazing expression of gratitude for each other but most importantly for themselves. The bond of losing their jobs together helped to spark a deeper and more profound friendship as they each challenged one another to go for their dreams, challenge their beliefs, and have fun. This bond was not created through empathy, understanding, and simply listening (which is how many people are taught is what you are supposed to do in this type of situation), it was created through active challenge, believing in one another, and love. I found one of the most profound challenges of the day was a simple question "why aren't you taking your own advice?"
My challenge to all of you this week is to take one thing that is of great importance to you (your job, relationship, money, eyesight, physical ability, etc) and imagine that one day you wake up and it is gone. What would you change about your life today if you knew something of great importance to you would be gone tomorrow? How is "perceiving stability" of it helping you in your life? How is not helping you in your life?
Love to all ! and a very special thanks to Cheryl, Mary, and Kathy for being my inspiration this week!
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, kathy decastro, philosophy
Thursday, July 23, 2009
A dinosaur in a line of cars
posted by KathyDavid has been lining things up lately. (For all you amazing new readers, David is our 5 year old son who has brought the gift of autism into our lives.) Most recently he has been lining up cars on the living room table. He has quite an interesting array of vehicles consisting of all the characters from the Disney Cars movie and a couple of generic cars, trucks, and vans. He has an awesome ability to line the cars up in a very specific order, as perfectly aligned as humanly possible. What I have found most fascinating about his "Cars Lineup" is the large, white, plastic dinosaur figure that he places perfectly at the end of the lineup. I have been intrigued as I watch him so carefully line up each car, truck, and van and with equal precision, place the dinosaur at the end of the lineup. My first thought was "I don't get it, he is so particular about the lineup, how does the dinosaur fit in?" My mind was flooded with very vivid memories of Sesame Street and Highlights books with lots of games centered around the ability to choose which item does not belong. Clearly, at first glance, the donosaur seemed like the obvious answer.
The old me would have been concerned about the whole ritual and thought "OK the lining things up is a bit strange but the dinosaur....... that is really weird". The new me watched in awe as David lined everything up perfectly and then in a very specific order began pointing to different items and saying their names in his perfect little voice in a way that only a Disney Cars fanatic or a Son Rise mom who has seen the Cars movie about 327 times would appreciate. The King, Chick Hicks, Sheriff, Lightning McQueen (sounding more like Niling Niclen), Cars (for all the generic vehicles), Mater, Luigi, and of course... dinosaur. Instead of thinking "the dinosaur doesn't belong", I began to wonder how the dinosaur fits into this picture. I am certain that he fits in otherwise there is no way that David in his ever logical, somewhat rigid, and specifically controlling manner would ever put him there. I began to think of all the reasons the dinosaur DID belong. He is big, David loves donosaurs just like he loves cars, he has a mouth and the fronts of each car in the movie are mouths, he is plastic, he moves around the table easily, he is fun to play with... etc. There are many more exciting reasons that the dinosaur DOES belong than simply thinking he doesn't belong because he is not a vehicle.
This experience is one of many that I am thankful for. Imagine a world where people are focused on similiarities verses differences. Where people are intrigued by what is verses what isn't. Where children's creativity and different ways of putting things together are embraced verses challenged. Where people challenge themselves when they don't understand something verses assuming others are wrong.
I have spent the last week "catching myself" everytime I interact with either of my children in a way that says "that's not right/ how you do it/ how it goes... this is". I do this A LOT! I do it even more with adults (SMILE). Here are a few things I have learned: A plain white piece of paper can be anything you want it to be simply by folding it differently; sharks are fun, not scary; flying without wings and while not being on an airplane is possible if you pretent the bed you are on is a cloud; and most importantly, according to Aly (and I have chosen to believe her), I am perfect just the way I am.
Love to all!
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, autism, kathy decastro
Friday, July 10, 2009
Sleeping on Silk Sheets
posted by Kathy
We spent this last week with family as we said goodbye to my beloved grandmother. After 90 wonderful, happy, healthy years, she decided to join my grandfather in heaven to watch over all of us from a place with a spectacular view. She spoke to me during her "wake". She loved the flowers but hated the outfit that was chosen for her and was most disturbed that no one bothered to paint her nails. I chuckled as I heard these thoughts in my head mostly because I didn't need her to give me this information, anyone who knew and loved her would have known. So why is it that certain members of my family were so concerned about the coffin and making sure that everyone knew she was laying on silk and not that cheap immitation stuff but no one thought to paint her nails? I have to admit, when I heard the story about the silk, I was a bit judgemental. My initial thoughts went something like this: You have got to be kidding me... "she deserves "only the best" when she is dead, what about when she was alive? It was a brief moment before my learnings from The Option Institute kicked in and I started my self reflections about why I was being so judgemental in this moment. I learned several years ago that what I judge most in others are those things that I judge about myself.
So here is what I learned..... Those judgements were all about the guilt I felt for every time I was too busy to take gram to lunch, too busy to go with her for a manicure, too busy to call and say "I Love You". It was also about my need to have approval from others and to be "liked" by everyone. Lastly, it was about the regret I feel for not really knowing the people I say I love in my life.
Thank you grandma, for the gift of insight, and the courage to die knowing that we will all be better people as a result of your life and your death. I am making a list of the people I love and want to know better so that their nails will painted and their sheets will be silk, every day of their lives.
Love to all!
Kathy
So here is what I learned..... Those judgements were all about the guilt I felt for every time I was too busy to take gram to lunch, too busy to go with her for a manicure, too busy to call and say "I Love You". It was also about my need to have approval from others and to be "liked" by everyone. Lastly, it was about the regret I feel for not really knowing the people I say I love in my life.
Thank you grandma, for the gift of insight, and the courage to die knowing that we will all be better people as a result of your life and your death. I am making a list of the people I love and want to know better so that their nails will painted and their sheets will be silk, every day of their lives.
Love to all!
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, kathy decastro, philosophy
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Imaginary Friends
posted by Kathy
I am a morning person. This works out very well in our home as no one else would even dream of getting up at 4:30 am. The beauty of this for me is an entire 90 minutes of "quiet time". The only time during my day when I am completely alone and I cherish every second of it. Lately I have been using my "quiet time" to read random, senseless, uniquely thought provoking fiction. My latest treasure is "Sunday's at Tiffany's" by James Patterson. It is a book about a woman (Jane) currently living her life to meet the expectations of others (most significantly mom) who is reunited with her most admired childhood friend Michael. Michael is her imaginary childhood friend who left her on her ninth birthday who is now a "real person" others can see.
What I have been fascinated with is Jane's relationship with Michael. It is the same now that he is real as it was when he was imaginary (minus the sexual tension now that they are 32). It is a beautiful, loving, comfortable, easy, amazing relationship and for the first time in the book, Jane doesn't care what the people in her life think. She is once again "herself" when she is with Michael. I began to think back to when my daughter Aly had her imaginary friend. What was happening in our lives, how our family was interacting and realized that "Theresa" came into Aly's life at about the time David was diagnosed with autism and our family was a bit unsettled to say the least.
All imaginary friends have one thing in common, "unconditional love". We are all perfect in the eyes of our imaginary friends. We are all "good enough" for everything and anything we want to do or be. No wonder so many of us have imaginary friends as children. For those of you with children, introduce yourself to your child's imaginary friend. Get to know them. Who they are will give you priceless insight into what is important to your child.
I invite you all to experiment with me again. In addition to adding clowns to your lives, create an imaginary friend for yourself. Learn what you are craving in your life and then ask the real people around you for it! Let me introduce you to Tiffany... she says I am the most beautiful person she has ever met.
Love to all,
Kathy
What I have been fascinated with is Jane's relationship with Michael. It is the same now that he is real as it was when he was imaginary (minus the sexual tension now that they are 32). It is a beautiful, loving, comfortable, easy, amazing relationship and for the first time in the book, Jane doesn't care what the people in her life think. She is once again "herself" when she is with Michael. I began to think back to when my daughter Aly had her imaginary friend. What was happening in our lives, how our family was interacting and realized that "Theresa" came into Aly's life at about the time David was diagnosed with autism and our family was a bit unsettled to say the least.
All imaginary friends have one thing in common, "unconditional love". We are all perfect in the eyes of our imaginary friends. We are all "good enough" for everything and anything we want to do or be. No wonder so many of us have imaginary friends as children. For those of you with children, introduce yourself to your child's imaginary friend. Get to know them. Who they are will give you priceless insight into what is important to your child.
I invite you all to experiment with me again. In addition to adding clowns to your lives, create an imaginary friend for yourself. Learn what you are craving in your life and then ask the real people around you for it! Let me introduce you to Tiffany... she says I am the most beautiful person she has ever met.
Love to all,
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, autism, kathy decastro, philosophy
Thursday, June 11, 2009
"Bye-Bye... Have a Hug"
posted by Kathy
I have heard these words repeatedly over the last few weeks as they are the most beautiful words expressed by a child who only recently decided to speak and another who has never stopped speaking since she was a baby. It has been incredibly heart warming to watch Aly join in David's latest repetitous behavior and it has created lots of hugging throughout our home. People embrace in hugs, stuffed bears embrace in hugs, plastic cows embrace in hugs, Malibu Barbi and Ken embrace in hugs, even the dust bunnies hiding under the couch have been hugging. I never fully appreciated how incredibly wonderful hugging truly feels.
The hugging has been wonderful but the behavior following the hugs has been an interesting catalyst for reflection. The "bye-bye" part of David's ritual typically includes shoving someone out the door, throwing the stuffed bears across the room, flipping the plastic cows into their plastic pen, and the dust bunnies.... well, let's just say I'm never really sure where they will be found. Once the person or object is gone, David is quickly on to his next fascinating discovery.
After working through my discomfort the last time David slammed the door on one of our amazing Son Rise Program volunteers while I was still talking to her and then had a tantrum when I held the door open to finish our conversation, I began to appreciate this behavior in a completely different way. Suddenly I was inspired by David's ability to let go of something he loves so deeply and move on to something else he loves equally with no apparent discomfort or sadness about letting go of the first. He seems to experience the world so fully and in such a unique way that letting go is the key to experiencing something new and believing it will be equally fulfilling. For me it has been a wonderful expression of living each minute of each day to the fullest with no concern about yesterday or tomorrow. David demonstrates a wonderful ability to create whatever expereince he wants to have with whatever toy or person he is with. He recreates a bonding experience full of love with himself, other people, toys, and yes... even dust bunnies simply because he knows he can.
How would your life be different if you fully believed that you could create whatever expereince you wanted with whatever circumstances you had? How would you feel if you believed that letting go was simply an invitation to experiencing something new that would surely be equally or more fulfilling?
Bye-Bye- Hugs to all,
Kathy
The hugging has been wonderful but the behavior following the hugs has been an interesting catalyst for reflection. The "bye-bye" part of David's ritual typically includes shoving someone out the door, throwing the stuffed bears across the room, flipping the plastic cows into their plastic pen, and the dust bunnies.... well, let's just say I'm never really sure where they will be found. Once the person or object is gone, David is quickly on to his next fascinating discovery.
After working through my discomfort the last time David slammed the door on one of our amazing Son Rise Program volunteers while I was still talking to her and then had a tantrum when I held the door open to finish our conversation, I began to appreciate this behavior in a completely different way. Suddenly I was inspired by David's ability to let go of something he loves so deeply and move on to something else he loves equally with no apparent discomfort or sadness about letting go of the first. He seems to experience the world so fully and in such a unique way that letting go is the key to experiencing something new and believing it will be equally fulfilling. For me it has been a wonderful expression of living each minute of each day to the fullest with no concern about yesterday or tomorrow. David demonstrates a wonderful ability to create whatever expereince he wants to have with whatever toy or person he is with. He recreates a bonding experience full of love with himself, other people, toys, and yes... even dust bunnies simply because he knows he can.
How would your life be different if you fully believed that you could create whatever expereince you wanted with whatever circumstances you had? How would you feel if you believed that letting go was simply an invitation to experiencing something new that would surely be equally or more fulfilling?
Bye-Bye- Hugs to all,
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, autism, kathy decastro, philosophy
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Deciding not to decide...
posted by Kathy
Today I have decided to free myself from judgements about decision making. You see, I have a bit of a reputation for being indecisive. Everyone important in my life has their own perspective as to why I am indecisive. One of my personal favorites is that I hesitate in making decisions out of fear of "getting it wrong". There is definitely some truth to this as I really like to be right. Another perspective is that I am a "free spirit" and like to keep my options open. This is also true as I enjoy the flexibility of the moment and the freedom to do different things at different times. Others call me a procrastinator. This is also true as I have always enjoyed the intensity of time to ignite a fire within me. I am a smart, free spirit, procrastinator who relishes in the joys of possibility! I really like these qualities about myself. So why have I been judging myself about these qualities I love?
Why do we judge ourselves about things we actually like about ourselves? This has proven to be a very insightful question for me. As I continue to reflect on who I am and who I want to be, I realize more and more that I make lots of decisions based on what I believe others will approve of verses what I really want. It is this internal conflict about what I want and what I think others will want that actually stalls my decision making. The decision itself is not my challenge, it is caring what other people think of my decision that seems to be the issue.
Do we ever really know what most people think? What percentage of the people that we interact with throughout our lives are truly authentic? How much of our decision making is based on something we made up about how others will think or feel?
Up until today, I have been trying to find a way to improve my speed of decision making. Ironically, I couldn't decide how best to do it. Now I know, trust myself first and the decisions will come.
Love to all,
Kathy
Why do we judge ourselves about things we actually like about ourselves? This has proven to be a very insightful question for me. As I continue to reflect on who I am and who I want to be, I realize more and more that I make lots of decisions based on what I believe others will approve of verses what I really want. It is this internal conflict about what I want and what I think others will want that actually stalls my decision making. The decision itself is not my challenge, it is caring what other people think of my decision that seems to be the issue.
Do we ever really know what most people think? What percentage of the people that we interact with throughout our lives are truly authentic? How much of our decision making is based on something we made up about how others will think or feel?
Up until today, I have been trying to find a way to improve my speed of decision making. Ironically, I couldn't decide how best to do it. Now I know, trust myself first and the decisions will come.
Love to all,
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, kathy decastro, philosophy
Thursday, May 14, 2009
"Curiosity killed the cat"
posted by Kathy
While driving home last night I began to think about all the silly things I have heard throughout my life but never thought much about. Like most people, being busy has often been an excuse for not really thinking deeply about things. Now, with lots of driving time as a result of a very long commute to work, friends, and family and few radio stations that come in clearly when you live in the mountains, I find myself thinking about everything and anything that pops into my head. I am truly amazed at the diversity of topics that fill my mind during this quiet time in the car.
I spent a lot of time last night wondering how in the world a proverb would emerge that would scare people into limiting their curiosity. I spent even more time thinking about how successful it has been together with so many others that seem equally silly to me:
You can't have your cake and eat it too
Mysery loves company
No pain, no gain
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Do as I say, not as I do
Don't bite off more than you can chew
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen
When in Rome, do as the Roman's do
Two's company but three's a crowd
I can remember hearing every one of these proverbs from the time I was a child but never really thought much about the messages they were sending and how they were shaping my beliefs. As I look at these proverbs with a new lens, I am quite fascinated with how limiting they really are. Take "curiosity killed the cat" for example. This one is really exciting for me to explore as I am inspired by my two beautiful children who experience the world so differently. Aly demonstrates her curiosity like most "neurotypical" children through the endless streams of questions she asks about everything. It is amazing how many questions from a first grader I can not answer. I find myself wondering if it is because I was never that curious as a child or if my curiosity ended when I was satisfied with the answer "I don't know" an answer I just realized I give a lot. Then there is David. He demonstrates his curiosity in a completely different way. Instead of asking questions, he tries things out. Like now for example as he is flying two deflated ballons held between a pair of sunglasses all around the house making sure to stop at the computer to see how his newly created "flying thing" looks as it whizzes by the words of my blog. Even though he is not asking questions, I am often answering him with "I don't know" simply by not experimenting with him. This simple reflection about a silly proverb has proven to be incredibly important to me. My "I don't knows" are reinforcing the silly proverb of "curiosity killed the cat". My new proverb is "curiosity found the cat" because I believe if the cat was not curious, it would still be hiding under the bed.
Experiment with me for a week. Every time someone asks you a question and you don't know the answer, take a guess, look things up, experiment, etc. Take the words "I don't know" out of you vocabulary and see how much fun you can have!
Love to you all,
Kathy
I spent a lot of time last night wondering how in the world a proverb would emerge that would scare people into limiting their curiosity. I spent even more time thinking about how successful it has been together with so many others that seem equally silly to me:
You can't have your cake and eat it too
Mysery loves company
No pain, no gain
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Do as I say, not as I do
Don't bite off more than you can chew
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen
When in Rome, do as the Roman's do
Two's company but three's a crowd
I can remember hearing every one of these proverbs from the time I was a child but never really thought much about the messages they were sending and how they were shaping my beliefs. As I look at these proverbs with a new lens, I am quite fascinated with how limiting they really are. Take "curiosity killed the cat" for example. This one is really exciting for me to explore as I am inspired by my two beautiful children who experience the world so differently. Aly demonstrates her curiosity like most "neurotypical" children through the endless streams of questions she asks about everything. It is amazing how many questions from a first grader I can not answer. I find myself wondering if it is because I was never that curious as a child or if my curiosity ended when I was satisfied with the answer "I don't know" an answer I just realized I give a lot. Then there is David. He demonstrates his curiosity in a completely different way. Instead of asking questions, he tries things out. Like now for example as he is flying two deflated ballons held between a pair of sunglasses all around the house making sure to stop at the computer to see how his newly created "flying thing" looks as it whizzes by the words of my blog. Even though he is not asking questions, I am often answering him with "I don't know" simply by not experimenting with him. This simple reflection about a silly proverb has proven to be incredibly important to me. My "I don't knows" are reinforcing the silly proverb of "curiosity killed the cat". My new proverb is "curiosity found the cat" because I believe if the cat was not curious, it would still be hiding under the bed.
Experiment with me for a week. Every time someone asks you a question and you don't know the answer, take a guess, look things up, experiment, etc. Take the words "I don't know" out of you vocabulary and see how much fun you can have!
Love to you all,
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, kathy decastro, philosophy, son-rise
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Life is a circus
posted by Kathy
So send in the clowns already!
This blog is a special gift to all my friends out there who are currently taking life way too seriously! I was thinking of all of you this past Sunday while drenching a group of children with a garden hose at a family barbeque. We had just finished a March of Dimes for Babies Walk sponsored by a dear family member who lost a child (Lucas) who was born prematurely. In the past, this day would have been terribly stressful for me. I would have spent the day worrying about saying and doing all the right things for fear of upsetting people. I am excited to report that last Sunday my only focus was love and laughter and I had an incredible experience!
The walk itself was a beautiful expression of love as hundreds of people came together to celebrate the lives of the children they know and create hope for millions of babies yet to be born. My husband Dave and I packed the kids (Aly and David), all of David's special food, a bright red wagon, and all our love into the car and drove to a beautiful ocean front park in Connecticut. We walked together with friends and strangers as one down a beautiful path of hope.
After the walk we celebrated Lucas with family and new friends at a barbeque hosted by Lucas's parents. We talked, ate, drank, and most importantly, played silly games with the kids. The garden hose quickly became the favorite toy as the children ran through the crazy stream of water, filled buckets to dump on one another, and giggled wildly as the water tickled their lips while drinking from the hose. The beautiful backyard transformed itself into an amazing circus of special stunts, tight rope (garden hose) walking, juggling, and of course clowns! The greatest show on earth began with the children and quickly expanded as many adults joined them. Running through the crazy stream of water was refreshing, exilerating, and incredibly fun! When was the last time you played with your garden hose?
I share this story with you because it is an illustration of the value of love and laughter during challenging times. Many of us are currently facing and will continue to face situations that we never anticipated. I believe that these situations have the potential to be the most amazing, growth promoting opportunities for all of us! After all, isn't anticipation one of the most exciting features of the circus! Can you remember how excited you were to see what happens next. Imagine if we approached life that way. How would you feel if you relished in the excitement of the unknown instead of being fearful of it? How would you feel if you knew no matter what happened, you could always send in the clowns.
If you are currently taking life too seriously, find some clowns and invite them into your life. Clowns come in many forms so here are some places to look: Most importantly, look for the clown in you. If you don't think you have any clown in you, buy some facepaints and a garden hose and go at it! Children are the most free spirited clowns ever so surround yourselves with them, drop your expectations of them to "behave" and have fun! Friends, friends, friends!!! Reunite with someone you have been meaning to call but haven't made the time for. Chances are, they are looking for clowns too!
Love to all of you!
Kathy
This blog is a special gift to all my friends out there who are currently taking life way too seriously! I was thinking of all of you this past Sunday while drenching a group of children with a garden hose at a family barbeque. We had just finished a March of Dimes for Babies Walk sponsored by a dear family member who lost a child (Lucas) who was born prematurely. In the past, this day would have been terribly stressful for me. I would have spent the day worrying about saying and doing all the right things for fear of upsetting people. I am excited to report that last Sunday my only focus was love and laughter and I had an incredible experience!
The walk itself was a beautiful expression of love as hundreds of people came together to celebrate the lives of the children they know and create hope for millions of babies yet to be born. My husband Dave and I packed the kids (Aly and David), all of David's special food, a bright red wagon, and all our love into the car and drove to a beautiful ocean front park in Connecticut. We walked together with friends and strangers as one down a beautiful path of hope.
After the walk we celebrated Lucas with family and new friends at a barbeque hosted by Lucas's parents. We talked, ate, drank, and most importantly, played silly games with the kids. The garden hose quickly became the favorite toy as the children ran through the crazy stream of water, filled buckets to dump on one another, and giggled wildly as the water tickled their lips while drinking from the hose. The beautiful backyard transformed itself into an amazing circus of special stunts, tight rope (garden hose) walking, juggling, and of course clowns! The greatest show on earth began with the children and quickly expanded as many adults joined them. Running through the crazy stream of water was refreshing, exilerating, and incredibly fun! When was the last time you played with your garden hose? I share this story with you because it is an illustration of the value of love and laughter during challenging times. Many of us are currently facing and will continue to face situations that we never anticipated. I believe that these situations have the potential to be the most amazing, growth promoting opportunities for all of us! After all, isn't anticipation one of the most exciting features of the circus! Can you remember how excited you were to see what happens next. Imagine if we approached life that way. How would you feel if you relished in the excitement of the unknown instead of being fearful of it? How would you feel if you knew no matter what happened, you could always send in the clowns.
If you are currently taking life too seriously, find some clowns and invite them into your life. Clowns come in many forms so here are some places to look: Most importantly, look for the clown in you. If you don't think you have any clown in you, buy some facepaints and a garden hose and go at it! Children are the most free spirited clowns ever so surround yourselves with them, drop your expectations of them to "behave" and have fun! Friends, friends, friends!!! Reunite with someone you have been meaning to call but haven't made the time for. Chances are, they are looking for clowns too!
Love to all of you!
Kathy
Labels: all blogs, autism, kathy decastro, son-rise
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Blowing Out The Candles
posted by KathyHave you ever wondered why we make a wish and then blow out candles on our birthdays? I became curious about this ritual last Wednesday as David's amazing Son Rise Program team sang Happy Birthday to Kim. Kim is one of our creative, happy, fun loving volunteers whose face lights up a room from the moment she enters. Singing Happy Birthday and blowing out candles has become a monthly celebration during our team meetings as we have been blessed with a team that not only adds unique value to everything they do but also have birthdays spread evenly throughout the year.
What began as a simple celebration of the lives of people who mean the world to us quickly tickled me once again to explore my beliefs and cherish the world of autism.
So why exactly do we celebrate and blow out candles? As I googled a few key words, I was surprised to see so many different "historical references" related to blowing out birthday candles. I read about celebrations designed so that the noise would scare away evil spirits, making a wish to be granted by a Greek Goddess, and my personal favorite, allowing the smoke from the blown out candles to carry our wishes up to God to be granted. This one made me chuckle because all I have ever seen the smoke do is make my children sneeze and set off the smoke alarm. Now that I think about it, I am certain that the evil spirits were scared away that year.
Blowing out birthday candles has a very different meaning to me. It is a symbol of a simple gesture we do every year because it is simple to do, we have always done it, and it is fun! At least that is what I used to think.... Now, I believe we do it because it the one time each year it is socially acceptable to believe in miracles. How many of us have made a wish thinking it was a long shot but wishing for it none the less? Imagine if we lived our lives believing that it is up to us to grant our own wishes. Technically, the smoke from the blown out candles tickles our noses as it dances into our bodies. It carries our wishes into us, not up to God, so perhaps we were always meant to grant our own wishes. How many more wishes would come true if we began granting them ourselves?
Ironically, my last candle blowing wish was wishing that David would enjoy blowing out the candles on his next birthday cake. In David's world, the noisy celebration scares him away, Goddesses fly around his playroom in the form of bubbles, and smoke stimulates all his senses into a celebration of life. This year, his world and our world came together in a magical celebration that continues each month as he shares wishes with his amazing team, while blowing out the candles.
Grant yourself a wish today! Love, Kathy
Labels: all blogs, autism, kathy decastro, philosophy, son-rise
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
What if........
posted by Kathy
I was recently reflecting on my thoughts and feelings the week our beautiful, amazing, sensitive, baby boy David was diagnosed with autism. Having been a psychology major in school, I knew what the books said about autism and I was scared. Upon reflection, I realized that I wasn't even sure I knew why I was scared, but fear replaced all my emotions. I remember sitting on my neatly made bed surrounded with pillows crying about the friends I imagined David would never have, the experiences he would miss, the teasing he would endure, and the family memories we would never create. As I think about it now, tears roll softly down my cheeks. They flow in a trickle of kindness and love that I never knew I had inside me for a life I never knew I needed. A flow far different than the wild and jagged stream of water rushing down my face three long years ago. Captured in these tears is a reflection of my journey. A journey that has not only transformed me and my family but one I believe will transform the world.
What if........ What if instead of autism needing a cure, autism IS the cure. The cure for world hunger, war, poverty, global warming, and every other world issue that seems so incredibly challenging to us today. I began to contemplate this possibility the day David started eating again. After seven days of not eating a single bite of food David looked up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and said "waffle". After the waffle he asked for a hot dog, and then a cookie, and then two apples. Completely oblivious to the fear and concern we had as a result of his 20% bodyweight loss, David ate everything he wanted to, asked for his binkey and blanket, and slept peacefully for the night. The next morning, he was back to his playful, giggly, happy self. He was playing, talking, looking at us, and smiling more than ever, common challenges for a child with autism. After this experience, I thought about the group of parents from around the world that I web chat with who also have children with autism. I remembered that when Robin, another little boy about David's age stopped eating, the webposts were full of love and encouragement from other parents who had similar experiences. I began to imagine that all these well nourished children in the world were trying to show us that they have more than they need and that they would love to share to their nourishment with the world. Finally, the cure for world hunger!
For anyone who has spent quality time with a child with autism, you know the many gifts they bring to this world. Those of you familiar with Son -Rise understand the idea of joining these special children in their unique worlds to lead them back to ours. Here is a new thought to consider... "Join the world of a special child, learn all that they have to teach you from their world, and then together, come back to our world and apply your learnings." Through my journey, I have decided to believe that autism was specially designed by the universe to save us from destroying our world in the ways we have been for decades. If we really learn from children with autism and apply those learnings, we would very quickly change the world! Here is what I have learned so far from David:
1. Expectations created for someone are useless if they have not created them for themselves.
2. The more you try to control, the less control you have.
3. Differences foster learning, sameness stops it.
4. We have infinite potential when we do what we love.
5. If I only take what I need, there is plenty for everyone else.
6. What you judge in others is what you fear in yourself.
7. There is no collective reality.
8. What you do today impacts tomorrow but it doesn't define it.
If you haven't been blessed with the gift of a special child in your life, find one and learn from them. Our world depends on it! All my love, Kathy
What if........ What if instead of autism needing a cure, autism IS the cure. The cure for world hunger, war, poverty, global warming, and every other world issue that seems so incredibly challenging to us today. I began to contemplate this possibility the day David started eating again. After seven days of not eating a single bite of food David looked up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and said "waffle". After the waffle he asked for a hot dog, and then a cookie, and then two apples. Completely oblivious to the fear and concern we had as a result of his 20% bodyweight loss, David ate everything he wanted to, asked for his binkey and blanket, and slept peacefully for the night. The next morning, he was back to his playful, giggly, happy self. He was playing, talking, looking at us, and smiling more than ever, common challenges for a child with autism. After this experience, I thought about the group of parents from around the world that I web chat with who also have children with autism. I remembered that when Robin, another little boy about David's age stopped eating, the webposts were full of love and encouragement from other parents who had similar experiences. I began to imagine that all these well nourished children in the world were trying to show us that they have more than they need and that they would love to share to their nourishment with the world. Finally, the cure for world hunger!
For anyone who has spent quality time with a child with autism, you know the many gifts they bring to this world. Those of you familiar with Son -Rise understand the idea of joining these special children in their unique worlds to lead them back to ours. Here is a new thought to consider... "Join the world of a special child, learn all that they have to teach you from their world, and then together, come back to our world and apply your learnings." Through my journey, I have decided to believe that autism was specially designed by the universe to save us from destroying our world in the ways we have been for decades. If we really learn from children with autism and apply those learnings, we would very quickly change the world! Here is what I have learned so far from David:
1. Expectations created for someone are useless if they have not created them for themselves.
2. The more you try to control, the less control you have.
3. Differences foster learning, sameness stops it.
4. We have infinite potential when we do what we love.
5. If I only take what I need, there is plenty for everyone else.
6. What you judge in others is what you fear in yourself.
7. There is no collective reality.
8. What you do today impacts tomorrow but it doesn't define it.
If you haven't been blessed with the gift of a special child in your life, find one and learn from them. Our world depends on it! All my love, Kathy
Labels: all blogs, autism, kathy decastro, philosophy, son-rise
Monday, March 2, 2009
Mystery Box
posted by Kathy
The Mystery Box entered our lives on December 25, 2008 as a brilliant gift from Santa. A perfectly square box wrapped in paper with dancing snowmen and gold and silver ribbon that sparkled underneath the magical white lights of our Christmas Tree would prove to be a brilliant gift indeed. Although the package read To: David Love: Santa we were well aware that labels meant very little to a smart, gregarious, little girl named Aly who had just turned six and a curious, independent, adorable, little boy named David who just turned five. What we were completely unaware of was that the Mystery Box was actually a gift for me.
So what exactly is the Mystery Box? Most people would describe it as a game designed for children ages 3-6 to motivate learning. It comes with the standard precaution of ...choking hazard.... not for children under 3 years old. It is a vibrantly colored box full of little toys each starting with a different letter of the alphabet. The object of the game is to select an item from the Mystery Box and place it on the game board letter that the item begins with. Simple enough.... Let's play!
Still snuggled in our pajamas, Aly, David, Daddy, and I sit down on the playroom floor and begin to play. David pulls out a tiny green alligator and quickly places it on the letter "A". Yeah!! We all applaud loudly. Now it is Aly's turn. Aly pulls a jeep from the Mystery Box and hesitates before putting it on the letter "T" for truck. We all pause for a moment as it is our first time playing the game and we are unsure if this little, green, plastic jeep belongs on "T" for truck or "J" for jeep. I notice a slight tension in my shoulders as I am focused on "getting it right". We decide to leave the jeep on "T" for truck and continue playing. Daddy takes a turn, I take a turn, and then it is David's turn again. David who is currently walking around the playroom comes back to the game, picks up his alligator and begins walking his alligator around the room. The alligator walks on the walls, the windows, the table, and finally the floor where David notices crumbs from a gluten free breakfast. David picks up the crumbs and begins feeding his alligator. Now let me ask you this... Aly is reaching into the Mystery Box, selecting items one by one, and placing them on a piece of cardboard over and over again. David is creating an entire experience for his alligator and laughing hysterically as the alligator jumps from the window to the floor... which of my two amazing children is the one labeled "different"? You see, like my children and their Christmas packages, I too have no use for labels.
The Mystery Box has proven to be an amazing catalyst for personal reflection. I grew up in a family that always played games according to the instructions. I never realized how limited my experiences have been. Quite frankly, the Mystery Box is an incredibly boring game as designed. Are you living your life as designed by someone else's instructions? How often have you paused to explore the reasons you are doing what you are doing….. being who you are being.... loving who you are loving? As I continue my Son-Rise journey, I am inspired each day by two unique children who experience the world in fascinating ways. Ways I could have never imagined and which I am so grateful for. Without them, I would be taking tiny toys, placing them on letters, and still trying to figure out if the jeep belonged on the "T" or the "J". Tell me, where does the "duck" belong?
So what exactly is the Mystery Box? Most people would describe it as a game designed for children ages 3-6 to motivate learning. It comes with the standard precaution of ...choking hazard.... not for children under 3 years old. It is a vibrantly colored box full of little toys each starting with a different letter of the alphabet. The object of the game is to select an item from the Mystery Box and place it on the game board letter that the item begins with. Simple enough.... Let's play!
Still snuggled in our pajamas, Aly, David, Daddy, and I sit down on the playroom floor and begin to play. David pulls out a tiny green alligator and quickly places it on the letter "A". Yeah!! We all applaud loudly. Now it is Aly's turn. Aly pulls a jeep from the Mystery Box and hesitates before putting it on the letter "T" for truck. We all pause for a moment as it is our first time playing the game and we are unsure if this little, green, plastic jeep belongs on "T" for truck or "J" for jeep. I notice a slight tension in my shoulders as I am focused on "getting it right". We decide to leave the jeep on "T" for truck and continue playing. Daddy takes a turn, I take a turn, and then it is David's turn again. David who is currently walking around the playroom comes back to the game, picks up his alligator and begins walking his alligator around the room. The alligator walks on the walls, the windows, the table, and finally the floor where David notices crumbs from a gluten free breakfast. David picks up the crumbs and begins feeding his alligator. Now let me ask you this... Aly is reaching into the Mystery Box, selecting items one by one, and placing them on a piece of cardboard over and over again. David is creating an entire experience for his alligator and laughing hysterically as the alligator jumps from the window to the floor... which of my two amazing children is the one labeled "different"? You see, like my children and their Christmas packages, I too have no use for labels.
The Mystery Box has proven to be an amazing catalyst for personal reflection. I grew up in a family that always played games according to the instructions. I never realized how limited my experiences have been. Quite frankly, the Mystery Box is an incredibly boring game as designed. Are you living your life as designed by someone else's instructions? How often have you paused to explore the reasons you are doing what you are doing….. being who you are being.... loving who you are loving? As I continue my Son-Rise journey, I am inspired each day by two unique children who experience the world in fascinating ways. Ways I could have never imagined and which I am so grateful for. Without them, I would be taking tiny toys, placing them on letters, and still trying to figure out if the jeep belonged on the "T" or the "J". Tell me, where does the "duck" belong?
Labels: all blogs, autism, kathy decastro, son-rise
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