Belief Makers

I have to say it: I love you guys!  Most of you I don't know, but I really  appreciate the space to share, explore and get feedback.  Just one comment or question can stir an entire wave of thought and action.

Last time I wrote about being late and wanting to be curious about that.  I received a great comment about making being on time a priority.  That started me thinking: What do I prioritize when I am preparing to leave my home?  Honestly, I prioritize everything being in good shape so that when I come back home, I don't have a crisis to manage.  So anything that even slightly suggests I will have more work to do when I get back home, flashes like a huge neon light saying 'Do It Now'.  That is funny, because so many other things flash another sign 'Do It Later'.   I must think about that...  Anyway, back to the lateness.  So getting where I am gong early or on time has a lower priority than damage prevention at home.

The concern about damage at home isn't confined to the moments immediately after I get back home, but can be extrapolated into the near or distant future.  I seem to enjoy taking all the things I see in the moment that I don't like and projecting them into the future, and scaring myself into a flurry of activity.  What if Jaedon keeps throwing stuff behind the couch? (so I stop to add encouraging, energetic, enthusiastic words aimed at stopping this activity) What if they don't eat well and develop all the ailments that come from junk food?  What if...?  As the what ifs run through my mind, I race around trying to put them out, multitasking like a maniac!  Before I can even recognize the path I'm on, another demand rushes in, another voice, the phone....  Too many priorities...

So on this matter of priorities, I am realizing 2 things:

• Prioritizing the experimentation with fear and the resulting flurry of activity isn't helping me get where I'm going on time (among other things).  While I continue to look at the value of scaring myself, my gratitude shortcut to happiness helps me regain focus in the moment.  I take a moment, look at the fear and let it go.
• There are some legitimate priorities that I juggle.  I want to prepare food and whatever else for the children to help whoever will be holding the fort in my absence.  If I am traveling with the children, I want to be prepared for the eventualities that I know about because being prepared helps me feel more comfortable during those trips.  I want to prioritize both my preparedness and my getting where I'm going on time!  

The challenge with multiple priorities is one that many face.  You know about the cost, quality, time triangle, right?  It basically says that there is no such thing as a cheap, good quality product that was made quickly.  Say you are prioritizing both cheap travel and getting to France quickly... It will be a rough trip!  Or it may take a long time to become someone like a flight attendant or someone else who qualifies for cheap travel.  With multiple priorities, there will likely be a trade-off.  If I have limited time and multiple priorities, chances are, I will be late.  If I give myself more than adequate time, and focus on only the legitimate priorities, I can be on time!

Labels: faith clarke, late, priotities

This is but one in countless examples of me being late.  Pre-children, getting somewhere on time was challenging for me.  I recall numerous detentions for lateness from Sr. James Vincent, as I was dropped to school by my father.  Maybe he had problems with lateness.  I only got to school on time when I travelled with Desiree, the girl up the hill from me who also went to my school.  Her father insisted that she got to school by 7:20am.  They often met me huffing and puffing as I ran up the hill to their house.

I had probably just gotten it all sorted out during early adulthood.  I got to work on time while teaching.  I think this was primarily because I made sure my classes started at a reasonable time: 10:00 am.  Routines, structure, predictability and knowing my own inner rhythms help me to get where I'm going punctually.

Then came kids!  What inner rhythms?  What routines?  I noticed that with each child, I have to add 30 minutes to what I would consider 'normal' preparation time.  So, if I am to pay attention to that bit of information, I should have started kid preparation at 9:30 for the 11:00 appointment this morning.  That means other prep would need to have happened before 9:30.  I feel nauseous thinking about that.  I'm definitely not a morning person, so early morning prep as the sole adult can be a daunting task.

I think it comes back to my planning strategies.  I need more of them.  I have noticed that I do 2 things that increase the likelihood of my being late:

1. I overestimate what can be done in 5 minutes.  There is always this huge list of things I think I need to do.  So I'm leaving the house and I notice that I can't find my notebook.  I check behind the couch, the new spot for lost things (a.k.a. things swiped by Jaedon for hoarding) and indeed, there it is!  I also notice that several items of silverware, some bowls, open markers, lipstick and other odds and ends are also stashed.  Aware that I wasn't late, I call for a broom and set to clearing out behind the couch.... 10 minutes later, I'm frantic.  Another scenario is my noticing that I'm 5 minutes ahead and decide that I should have my smoothie, instead of the nothing I was planning to eat before I left.  After all, isn't this better for my body?  Then, since there is no point making just mine, I make for everyone, then call them, distribute the smoothies, change my sweater because of the spilled smoothie on it, clean smoothie off the floor,....  You get the idea.
2. I don't plan for the things I can't control.  This is a big one for me.  Why not say something like 'Smoothie prep - 30 mins'?  My time slots are always done based on best case scenarios.  It's like I think best case is 'normal' and unplanned happenings are anomolies.  Yet I experience many unplanned happenings daily.  Perhaps is would be easier to plan for them if I even acknowledged that they were possible.  As I stood in traffic on the I-87 because of an accident, I thought "Traffic on the 87 is quite normal.  How come I don't expect it?"

Reframing
I'm going to think about this some more...

• Not allotting enough prep time seems to be an efficiency issue for me.  If I give too much time, I will get less done.  If I'm not hurrying, I could have gotten more done.  I can't just say to myself 'Smoothie Prep - 30 mins' because there is another part of me that's saying 'that's ridiculous! You know it doesn't take you that long to make a smoothie'.  So I'm going to continue thinking about my beliefs around what is efficient and what isn't.  
• I would like to reframe my thoughts on normal vs anomalous happenings. I plan for normal.   I usually have enough information to decide that something is normal.  Jaedon has been throwing stuff downstairs for a few days, Zachary's sense of appropriate clothing choices isn't fully developed yet, there is usually traffic on the 87.  Like the child with autism, I can be inflexible.  I resist adjusting my mental pictures to integrate my 'don't wants'.  So, I continue to be startled.

Out of the Closet
My strategy for dealing with lateness is very different from my typical strategy for personal growth.  Usually, I talk about anything I'm thinking about.  I read about it, I write about it, and share what I'm learning with others and get their thoughts.  Lateness has such a bad rap in this part of the world (it's seen differently in Jamaica, where typically weddings start 2 hours after the stated time) that I hide from it and prefer to pretend that I'm late just this once.  That has to do with what I think people may think about me.   They are probably thinking it anyway, and my thinking about it in secret hasn't been helping me, so I'm outing myself.  I tend to be late and I'd like to spend the next couple of weeks allowing myself to really be curious about this.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  How do you figure this out?

Next week:  I do actually get to some places on time.  I wonder what I'm thinking about and believing in those situations?

Labels: beliefs, faith clarke, late