Belief Makers

I mentioned last week that Jaedon has a new fascination with spit.  He collects it in his mouth, filling up his cheeks until he has a natural fish face.  He swishes it around in his mouth, making the most interesting noises.  He often wants to speak, and finding his mouth full, he then hums the words.  Sometimes he even tries to speak.... though it is not much clearer than humming.  Sometimes he starts to giggle and spit comes trickling, or gushing out.

It was about a year ago that I first started writing about my journey in the world of loving acceptance, and the nudge that drooling  was for me.

I'm fanatical about smells. My mom works in a home for people with significant physical and developmental challenges.  Many of her clients are in wheel chairs, with feeding tubes.  None of them speak.  I visited her at work one day.  One of the first things I noted was the smell.  It wasn't the 'nothing' smell of an ordinary home.  It wasn't the warm fragrant smell of food and other pleasantries.  It wasn't even a bad smell, like garbage or poop.  It was an odd smell of stale disinfectant and other cleaners.  Many body fluids of various sorts were emitted throughout the day and cleanup was a steady ritual.  Whenever Mummy got home in the evenings, she   disrobed and took all her clothes to the laundry room, showered and washed her hair.  The smell of her  job was now in the laundry room.

When Jay was about 4 and still not anywhere close to being potty trained, I remember deciding that no matter what, he wouldn't smell.  I am a fastidious changer of pull-ups, an over-user of wipes and all kinds of cleaning agents and essential oils.  I can become discombobulated if I return home after a day away, and there is anything but the smell of childhood coming from Jay's direction.

Now, the science of pee and poop smell management I have down pat.  Spit now, was totally something else.

After years of learning to see things in new and different ways, it's as if there is an argument going on in my mind.  I can easily think of 3 possible wonderful things happening with Jay as he holds spit in his mouth:

• He's increasing his muscle tone
• Circulation in his mouth area is increasing so his lips are much less dry, almost pink
• He may be stimulating saliva production and this may be helping with digestion

Labels: autism, faith clarke, parenting, smells

Continuing on this theme of Jaedon's teachings....


Today, one of our new volunteers went into the playroom with Jaedon.  Jaedon had just asked me for nuts and I shared with him that we didn't have any, but that I would get him some grapes.  While in the kitchen, I could hear Jay in the playroom protesting vehemently, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying.  As I brought the grapes up to the volunteer, I did a quick check in with her.  She had not experienced Jay crying before and we hadn't yet talked about strategies to deal with crying.  She shared that she felt somehow the crying was her fault.  I quickly encouraged her to see crying in some different ways, told her Jay wanted nuts and we had none, gave her the grapes and left.  They were together for about 45 minutes before I called her for some feedback.


Much of my journey with Jay feels like a cycle of him doing something, I get uncomfortable, I explore, I get comfortable, he does something else.... Well, I don't get uncomfortable about everything he does.  Things fall in categories and I become comfortable about much of the variations within the category... but there are always variations I don't expect and of course, new categories.  Some days, I just want it all to stop.  Enough with the new things!  Haven't I grown and questioned enough?  Apparently not.


Iris commented on last week's post: 


Being a student about beliefs, I want to point out something you wrote above: "Initially, Jaedon seems to interact with them strongly, almost showing them how much fun their time could be. At some point, they will each get to see the powerful reflecting image too". Do you see the words "initially, almost, could, at some point". What are the beliefs that you are selling here? How come? How useful is it for you, Jeadon and your team?


As I think about the questions, the first set of thoughts are disorganized around the theme of fear.  I'm no longer afraid of Jaedon's future.  I am afraid that the volunteers will not continue to move themselves from discomfort to comfort as they encounter various behaviors.  Jaedon is a charmer. Hardly anyone meets him without falling in love.  I feel like falling in love is fleeting and I don't know if they have the stamina to stay in love.  Seems like I think loving takes stamina...hmmm.  I still find some behaviors challenging (like the new behavior of collecting spit in his mouth until his cheeks puff out ... followed by bursting into giggles) and am constantly reformulating the beliefs I have (he's not regressing, he's finding a way to strengthen the muscle tone in his mouth area). I am constantly widening my Platform of Acceptance. I'm afraid they won't stick with the challenge, to figure it out.


It's funny, I spent maybe 20 minutes talking with this volunteer, helping her explore some of her discomfort.  After 2 sessions with Jay, she was both eager and unsure.  A younger relative of hers has autism and her interactions with him are different from what I'm teaching her to do with Jay.  She was uncertain of her ability to 'get it'.  I think she was ready to pack it in.


Amidst the beliefs about volunteers and their tenacity, I have clarified a few anchoring beliefs.  They help keep me sane while I work on everything.  This idea of Jaedon being the teacher is one of those.  I am definitely in the classroom.  I encouraged her that if she wanted to get it, we would both take it a step at a time, and that Jaedon would help her.


Today, I worked with 4 of our 5 new volunteers at different times. I had many opportunities to worry about them and all their possible stuff.  Instead I decided that they were all learning, as am I.  Everything is part of the learning. I have learned to feel comfortable with Jay running out of the playroom, or down the stairs or screaming or poop accidents. Today I was learning to be comfortable with someone else learning.  I was learning to let go of my desire to script another person's learning process to ensure that the outcome is what I want.  After all is said, either a volunteer becomes comfortable with something or they don't, but I don't have to stand at this point, projecting to their discomfort and choosing discomfort.


Iris, I'm sure there is more here, but this is my brain dump of today.  By next week, I should have taken some time to talk about/explore my spit issues and why the dickens it should be more significant to me than poop!  I'll tell you what I discover!

Labels: autism, beliefs, faith clarke, parenting

Last Sunday, before returning home from Luke's and Sarah's wedding, Iris and I sat in the bagel shop in Porter Square drinking coffee, eating actual bagels (not the bagel shaped bread substance that we have here in the Berkshires) and playing with our Macs (Iris importing photos from the wedding and me writing a blog article). As we sat there, one of the guys who lives across the street in the park above the Porter Square T Station wondered in, got himself a cup of coffee, sat next to Iris, and then proceeded to talk to her for the next ninety minutes.

Iris listened intently and asked questions as this man talked about everything from having gone to prison to transforming himself and his life. As he talked, it occurred to me that he probably rarely if ever had someone who would listen to him as intently and lovingly as Iris. The more Iris listened, the more he talked. An hour and a half later, we needed to get going in order to get back in time for one of Iris' playroom sessions. So, we left. However, I think had we not left, the man might have talked and talked and talked.

A Day Later
The next day, I sent emails to a bunch of people (my dad included) making sure that they knew they were welcome to join Iris and me for Thanksgiving at our place. I mentioned that, if they'd already made plans with others, they were welcome to bring the others as well.

My dad, in an effort to encourage others to join us, sent emails to several family members imploring them to join us so that "he could spend one last Thanksgiving with everyone before he dies."

The Day After That
The next day, I was speaking with a buddy who recently broke up with his girlfriend. Over the last few years, they'd had a rather stormy and passionate relationship. Recently, he'd decided to stop taking things personally, accept his girlfriend for who she was, and really put himself into the relationship without qualification. Amazingly and impressively, he'd really done it.

The crazy thing is that the more he accepted her, the less he took things personally, and the more he simply rolled with things without reacting, the more she would do things to challenge his acceptance of her. It's almost as though she were afraid to accept his acceptance of her.

Drowning the Lifeguard
What do these three little vignettes have in common? In each case, someone is hanging on so tightly to what they want that they are doing the very things that would preclude their getting or keeping it.

The man in the bagel shop wants so desperately for someone to hear him and to know him that he approaches anyone who will listen like a starving refugee suddenly presented with one last meal. He talks so incessantly that people begin to avoid him. The more he talks...

My dad wants so much to have his family together for Thanksgiving that he uses morbid references and guilt to achieve his goals. Both are such turn-offs that even people who love him would really prefer nor share joyous and celebratory occasion with someone set on guilt and morbidity.

My buddy's girlfriend wants so desperately to be accepted and loved unconditionally, that she questions and doubts every overture from someone who truly accepts and loves here; the more he accepts her, the more she does things to drive him away.

Each person exhibits a kind of relationship death-wish. Any time someone comes along who might help fulfill what they so deeply desire, their fears get the best of them and they drown the the lifeguard.

Squeezing Jell-o
At one time or another, each of has drowned the lifeguard.

It occurs when we start hanging on too tightly, start taking things too seriously, start making things too important, when we let reaching the goal completely overwhelm enjoying the journey. It's a bizarre phenomenon where the tighter we hang on to the outcome, the more we do things that undermine our achieving it. It's like squeezing our fingers tightly around a lump of jell-o to avoid dropping it.

Are there places in your life where perhaps you're drowning the lifeguard? They're not always easy to see; however, if you pay attention, you can spot them. Here are some key indicators:

• People avert their eyes when you walk into the room or look about furtively as you speak with them at a party
• You've told the same story to someone for the fifth time today
  
• Despite your best intentions, you find that the majority of things that come out of your mouth are complaints or concerns or negative comments
• You've started to get angry at or resentful of people you love because they don't pick up after themselves or they don't put the cap back on the toothpaste
• You consistently look to others to help you overcome fears and insecurities
• Your partner or your kids or your colleagues glaze over or ignore you or get angry when you bring up your concerns about them or your mutual situation or what's wrong with the world

Save Yourself!
If you have been drowning lifeguards in your life, the solution is simple albeit perhaps not easy: breathe and let go! I'm not talking about becoming non-caring or apathetic. Keep you passion! However, let go of the outcome.

If just doing it seems too difficult, then it might be useful to find someone with whom you can Dialogue in order to get to the root of your fears and concerns. You might find that many of your lifeguard-drowning, jell-o-squeezing activities stem from just one core belief!

Negativity-free Diet
Alternatively, you can take the diet approach. Spend a week where you say nothing negative, listen to nothing negative, and take no actions based on negative beliefs (fear, doubt, insecurity). Don't worry about changing the thoughts and beliefs; just take action! The thoughts and beliefs will follow.

To make your diet most effective, enlist the aid of the people around you. Let them know your intention: a week of positively-charged word and deed. Ask them to contribute by limiting themselves to positive actions and discussion and by calling you on it whenever you lapse.

Go to the bank and get one-hundred dollar bills. Let everyone (including your kids) know that, whenever you lapse into negative word or deed, you'll give them a dollar. Depending on your situation, you may want to make it two-hundred dollar-bills.

Each time you catch yourself or someone catches you, don't sweat it, just stop, or, flip it into something positive. For example, if you see a piece of trash dancing down the street in the wind, rather than complaining about it or thinking "what the hell", chase it down and toss it into a trash can.

For You Lifeguards
If you're a lifeguard avoiding drowning, then it might be time to stop averting your eyes or sidestepping the drowner and simply point out, "Hey, have you ever noticed how, whenever you... that people...."

Even though we often avoid saying things like this to avoid "hurting someone's feelings", in fact we're really doing it for our own comfort. It doesn't help someone with a booger hanging from their nose to look the other way and not tell them about it.

As for me, I'm going to write my dad an email inviting him to abandon his strategy of morbidity and guilt.

Happy swimming!

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, parenting, philosophy, relationships

The last few days have been amazing. My son Luke and his girlfriend Sarah were married in a ceremony in Boston that brought together friends and family from all over in a celebration of joy and gratitude. The entire experience was sheer delight.

In preparation for the event, I spent Thursday evening scouring through old photos, scanning and retouching the ones that I wanted, and then printing everything to create a book that presented Luke from the day he was born to just a few weeks ago. Iris and our friend Jeanette helped me to them in an album that we presented to the bride and groom at their rehearsal dinner.

Last night, as Iris and I drove home from the reception, after having put together the photo history of Luke, and after seeing all three of my kids together as real, live adult human beings, I was overwhelmed with a sense of joy and gratitude for who each of them had become.
During the festivities, many people came up to me to comment on how wonderful my kids were and how I must have done something really special in raising them. As I thought about it, I concluded, "No, they really did it themselves."

And then it struck me. As much as I'd like to take credit for who they've become, in the end, the biggest contributor to their personal development has been each of them. Joy, Eila and Luke have developed into three distinctly different and delightful people with distinctly different sets of beliefs, attitudes and commensurate responses to situations around them.

As parents, we can house, feed and care for our kids. We can create opportunities for them to experience the world and learn. We can help them through different challenges and situations. But in the end, they're the ones who choose who they become and how they experience their worlds.

Easy for You to Say
Of course, I didn't always have this perspective. As the kids were growing up, when in the midst of one crisis or another, one developmental challenge or another, I was pretty much like what I imagine most parents to be; I would try to figure out how to "fix" it. I felt it incumbent upon me to come up with the solution, to save my kids from the inevitable challenges they would face were I not to intervene.

As I took in the Option philosophy, I slowly dropped my "got-to-fix-things" perspective and started letting my kids make their own choices and work their way through the consequences of those choices. There were times that I felt like intervening ("felt like" might be an understatement), but in the end, having the perspective of having seen things play out, I'm convinced that each of knows what is best for us, even kids.

How to Non-Parent Your Children
So, based on all this, there are definitely some attitudes towards child-rearing that I adopted as my kids grew older that, were I to do this all again, I would have adopted from the beginning.

1. It's all going to be OK.
If you change nothing else in your attitude about raising your kids, change this. Simply by putting yourself in to the mindset of everything is going to be fine, can change everything for both you and for them.

When we worry about our kids, whether or not they'll catch the swine flu, whether or not they'll emerge from Autism, whether or not they'll be accepted by friends, whether or not they'll do well in school, whether or not they'll be able to take care of themselves financially, we compromise our ability to help and support them, and we teach them to be fearful. Our kids aren't born worriers, they learn it from us. So, in the midst of the crisis du jour, take a deep breath and remind yourself, "it's all going to alright."

2. Don't Give Them the Answers
It's so easy to get so caught up in making sure that our kids "know" the answers, that we never let our kids learn how to "derive" the answers. Whenever we intervene and solve a problem or address a challenge, we deny our kids the opportunity to learn how to solve problems and address challenges. When we let them figure it out, they really "get" it.

When we provide our kids the opportunity to learn how to learn, we give them a tool that can serve them in any situation. When we help them by getting them through the next school project or the next exam, we solve the immediate challenge, but we don't do much for them in the long term.

3. Learn Their Values
I think this one can be really amazing. As parents, we're told that we need to instill our values into our children. I have no idea how this all comes to pass, but somehow when we adopt items one and two, our kids seem to be able to create values on their own, values that are really deep, insightful and rich with meaning. When we learn what our children value and then align our actions and support with their values, we can provide them an amazing springboard from which they can jump to reach their goals.

For some of us, the idea that our kids have their own values may never occur; we never see them. For others, their values may seem so different than our own that we react quickly to get them under control. In the end, I think the easiest and most useful approach is to learn what our kids value, embrace them and then see where it takes us.

Triply Blessed
So, as I revel this morning in the memory of a delicious weekend, I wanted to share with you what was on my mind. I wish for you a worry-free, celebratory day with your children filled with bidirectional sharing and learning!

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, parenting, relationships

Labels: baby, beliefs, faith clarke, parenting