Belief Makers

Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black.

Matthew 5:33-36

Above all, my brothers, do not swear--not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned.

James 5:12

One of the things that I think Jesus got right is that making oaths and commitments is a bad idea. If you want great working relationships and great personal relationships, then I suggest you just drop the practice of making commitments. Here's why...

Commitments are Always Lies

And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black.

Unless you're omniscient or clairvoyant, whenever you make a commitment, you're lying. You can certainly state an intention or make an educated guess as to what you plan to do or who you plan to be, but there's no way you can accurately predict or guarantee 'anything'. To pretend to do so, even with the best of intentions is simply lying.

For some reason, this is easier for us to see with children than with adults. When a child promises that, if you buy him a puppy, he'll care for it (walking it, feeding it and playing with it everyday), it's easy to see that the child is speaking without fully understanding the ramifications of his commitment. When two young teenagers make a statement about their undying love for one another, we simply don't take it seriously. We know that they have the best of intentions, but they don't fully know themselves, let alone what the future will bring.

Commitments Kill Relationships
Even with the best of intentions, commitment has this uncanny way of morphing into obligation.

Obligation: A social, legal, or moral requirement, such as a duty, contract, or promise that compels one to follow or avoid a particular course of action.

Whereas a commitment is simply a well-meaning (albeit misguided) way of stating intent, an obligation is something that takes on a life of its own slowly usurping other aspects of a relationship.

I've mentioned before that, when Iris and I were married, our ceremony included no statement of commitment, no obligations. We simply stated our intent to love each other more each day than the day before.

We did this because we'd witnessed the effect of obligation on relationships. Obligation has a way of taking relationships out of the present (what I want now) and rooting them in the past (what I said then). Obligations are often used to coerce behavior: "You said that, when we got married you'd..."

Would you rather be motivated by love or by obligation? Would you rather be with someone motivated by love or by obligation?

Commitment Invites Abuse
Although you may have the best of intentions when making a commitment, the people to whom you commit may not be as well intended.

I can remember sitting across the table from a venture capitalist as we discussed the terms of a contract between his firm and my company. When we got to one fairly convoluted statement about transactions that would automatically occur under a certain set of circumstances, rather than explaining it to me, he simply said, 'It will be like removing the sleeves from you vest', implying that terms were merely a formality with no real impact.

They weren't.


The Tyranny of the Urgent
Others aren't so much ill-intended as, well, let's say they have an overabundance of external white matter. They have a grasp of isolated details, but they lack the ability to pull them together into a cohesive framework.

I've worked with many business managers who exemplify this phenomenon. Their management style involves asking questions as to the time and materials requirements of individual tasks in isolation. They add up the numbers and determine a schedule and time frame. They ignore or are simply ignorant of other ongoing tasks being performed by the people they're managing. Once a plan is in place, they routinely interrupt the process with spurious 'urgent' tasks and assignments that require 'immediate' attention.

The funny thing is that these managers always seem surprised or disappointed when things don't turn out as 'planned'. Through the process they'll somehow morph time estimates into 'commitments' saying things like, "You said that thus and such would take just a week; it's four weeks later and you're still not done!"

Over the years I've tried to explain to folks like this the difference between work estimates (the number of dedicated hours required to complete a task) and calendar time (the actual time that transpires based on the fact that no one is actually working in a dedicated manner on any one task). But alas, too much external white matter.

The worst managers become somewhat self-righteous and indignant demanding 'accountability' of the people they've neglected and mismanaged. Sigh ...

If you ever find yourself working for someone like this, then I'd suggest Monster.com.


What to Do
Now, you might be thinking, "all this is well and good, but the fact is that we live in a world that requires us to make commitments."

I'll grant that there are circumstances that seem to require commitment on our part, but I would suggest that the ones that truly require commitment and obligation are few and far between. Here are some things I would suggest:

1. Commit to making no commitments.
   
2. Start paying attention to everything you say to see if in fact you're simply stating intention or if you're making a commitment. If you catch yourself making a commitment when none is required, rewind and restate as intention.
   
3. Revisit older commitments that have transformed into obligation. Ask yourself and the person to whom you've become obligated, "how's that working for us?" If it's not, then maybe it's time to rework your obligation together.
   
4. If the opportunity to make a commitment arises, become really clear on not committing but simply stating intention. In many cases, people may walk away. However, you'd be surprised how often a statement of intention is sufficient even in conducting business.
   
5. If you've found commitment to be a positive motivator, then try replacing commitment (backward looking) with resolve (forward looking). Even if you're someone who's often failed to meet commitments, you might find that resolve is a much better way to fulfill your intentions.

Noncommittally, Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

So often, you hear about people entering a new relationship and in the process losing themselves. Over the years, I've had many friends who 'fell' in love. It all started with attraction: not just to appearance, but to looks, intelligence, money, energy, charm, and so on.

Attraction is powerful. Most of us are not able to clearly articulate what it is in another person that attracts us. At best, we can identify elements of attraction (someone's smile or their laugh or their wit), but we can't come up with an overall blueprint of what would make a person attractive to us. Our not being able to clearly identify what it is in others that makes them attractive makes attraction even more powerful, almost magical.

As though attraction were not already powerful enough, most of us would probably describe 'being attracted' as something that happens to us, not something that we do. Indeed, enchantment might be a better word to use when describing our experience of attraction.

Charmed
Now, there are all sorts of challenges that come with being enchanted.

First, being enchanted causes us to focus on the elements of attraction to the exclusion of the elements of repulsion. We're so attracted to his winning smile and confidence that we ignore the times when he seems controlling and rigid. We're so enamored of her warm voice and soft caress that we ignore times when she's unkind to or impatient with others. We build up an image of the other person that is indeed positive, but unbalanced. Unlike seeing flaws in the full light of day and then not judging them, we blind ourselves to them.

Second, being enchanted causes us to ignore or casually dismiss the trail of discarded passions that we abandon along the road to a deeper (and more time consuming) relationship. We put other relationships on the back burner. We put plans on hold. We spend less and less time on other interests.

I have a friend Jeff who is the most naturally gifted musician I've ever met...

When I we were both fifteen or so and just discovered be-bop, I bought some Charlie Parker records. For a fifteen year old, I had a good ear; I could listen to any pop or rock song and write down what was being played. As I listened to Charlie Parker, I was completely blown away. He played so fast and so differently, that I could just barely keep up listening to what he'd played, let alone write it down.

I played the record for Jeff who seemed to kind of space out as though memorized by the music. When the tune ended, he picked up his trumpet and started playing back Charlie's riffs verbatim. He'd never before heard bebop let alone the specific recording and yet...

In a composition class at Berklee College of Music, we would gather weekly to have our compositions reviewed by our instructor and to have them played by students. One week, I wrote a brass quartet that I was really proud of.

After looking at my scribblings for just a few seconds, my teacher looked up at me telling me, "Look, when writing for other instruments, you really need to get a better understanding of the range and capacity each of the instruments. You can't just write something because it sounds good in your head. This trumpet part has intervals that no trumpet player is ever going to be able to play."

Ahh..., little did he know. Jeff was the trumpet player in the quartet that day.

Anyway, a couple of years later, Jeff was enchanted. I don't think that he even owns a trumpet today.

Third, enchanted is a set up for bitterness and resentment. It's not that we don't see the flaws; we simply ignore them. It's not that we forget all that we've given up; we just look away from it. When the enchantment ends, all that stuff comes crashing down on us.

Nothing Personal
Our experience of enchantment is not limited to personal relationships or even to people. We can be enchanted by pretty much anything: big companies offering bright futures and money... owning a big house or an expensive car or a boat... running off to join the Peace Corps... becoming a rock star. You name it; pretty much anything can be the source of our enchantment.

There's a saying: the two happiest days in a boat owner's life are the day he purchases his boat and the day that he sells his boat. With slight modification, this is probably the case in many relationships; couples are happiest when they first get together and after they break up (assuming that the vindictive bitterness thing doesn't settle in.)

Breaking the Spell
The crazy part about the power of attraction is that, even after being burned by it, we'll immediately embrace it again. It's as though we think that the culprit was the object of attraction, not attraction itself.

I have friends who, after freeing themselves from long, unhappy, unfulfilling relationships that began with attraction, almost immediately purchase a ticket for the next ride. Some even use attraction to someone new to help inspire to them break free from someone old. And the cycle continues...

On the flip side, I have friends who are unhappy in their relationships simply because they're 'suddenly' confronted with all the things that they've ignored and denied all along. They 'suddenly' become aware of the less attractive aspects of the other person or that they've 'given up so much'. It's as though their partner tricked them or somehow did it to them.

In the end, as long as you view attraction as something that cannot be understood or something that happens to you, you're, well... you're screwed. Nothing you can do about it.

If on the other hand, you view attraction as something that you can understand and something that you do, then there's hope.

Think about it; there must something in your life to which you were once not attracted, but are now attracted: sushi... girls... guys... books... football... drama.. adventure... math... music... running?

I've been told by lots of people that I'm rather an acquired taste. Acquiring taste is essentially our shaping and changing that to which we're attracted. We do it all the time. It's just that we tend not to do it deliberately or systematically.

If you don't want to buy into owning your sense of attraction, how about simply better understanding it. Next time you go to a restaurant, make a game out of identifying what you find attractive and unattractive in others that you can see and hear. Take turns with your dinner companion(s) identifying what and why. Write it all down and look for patterns as they emerge. If they don't keep playing until they do.

Finally, if you insist on buying into the whole enchantment thing, at least be aware of the trade-offs that you make along the way. Note them. Talk about them. Don't let them slide by hoping that something will change. It won't.

Happy Wednesday!

Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

I was in a blissful, meditative state experiencing blue shift as my fingers glided across the keyboard of my MacBook, an action movie playing on my desktop as Guns N' Roses pounded in my headphones. Part of me noticed a disturbance in the air as someone opened and closed the door entering the room. However, I continued typing assuming that if someone wanted my attention, they'd let me know.

Twenty minutes or so later, I turned around to see Iris standing behind me in a trance-like state, her eyes fixated on the cinema display as the action movie played on. I spoke to her, but there was no reply. I stood up and walked over to her, but nothing. Then I walked over to the desktop, clicked the trackball and stopped the movie. Voila! Iris emerged.

Compatible or Not?
Iris and I are amazingly compatible from a practical perspective. Both of us are easy with changing anything and everything simply because we want to. Neither of us requires time to wake up or prepare in the morning; if we decide in the moment to do something, we just pop out of bed and go. I like to cook; Iris likes to eat. We both love to pursue and wrestle with philosophical constructs, but only insofar as we can see a practical application for them.

There is however one area where we are amazingly incompatible. Our sensory systems appear to operate at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. For me, the more the stimuli, the better. For Iris...

I love driving in densely packed, fast moving traffic. Iris prefers roads on which she is the only driver.

I become totally relaxed in crowded environments with lots of sensory stimulation and activity: sights, sounds, smells, textures. Iris tends to be overwhelmed by too much sensory input and prefers to shut herself off from stimuli when she wants to focus.

If I want to fall asleep at night, I start a movie and usually don't make it through the opening credits. Iris can be asleep when I start the movie, but will wake up and end up staying up until the movie ends.

When it's quiet (aurally, visually and otherwise), I pace and find it hard to focus. Iris becomes serene and highly focused.

Blissful Coexistence
Of course, over time we've become aware of the ways in which our sensory systems operate and how to reconcile the incompatibilities. I've learned the joy of really comfortable headphones that don't allow even a hint of sound to escape into the air. Whenever we sit in a restaurant or bar that has a television, we position ourselves so Iris is facing me and I'm facing the TV. Late at night, I start movies with my headphones on and I take my Adderall before driving to Boston or New York. If I'm having difficulty focusing while Iris is talking, I'll wash dishes or sweep or walk as we continue the conversation.

It's been working.

Sensory Systems and Relationships
Today I was talking with a friend who's been working a new job that he's really enjoying. He's found smart people and great camaraderie. He likes the work and feels really good about what's he's accomplishing. Everything is great... well almost everything.

He has one colleague that he really likes and who really like him. They respect each other and get long well. However, there are instances where their conversations seem to simply run off the rails. As he described the situation to me, it occurred to me that he and his colleague are experiencing a sensory gap.

My friend is a great conceptual thinker. He has the ability to look at a lot of seemingly disparate and independent facts, find the common threads, piece them into a cohesive framework and then determine what the most useful next steps would be. He can see the forest and the trees.

As he described various scenarios with his colleague, I realized that the colleague is a trees guy. He understands and remembers many independent details and bits of information, but isn't great at establishing and maintaining context. Instead, each detail floats along side all the others. When my friend begins extrapolating and explaining things that require a forest perspective, his colleague sees what appear to him to be giant leaps in logic and unfounded conclusions. The communications break down.

A Bit Autistic
As I've been learning more about sensory systems, I've come to understand that oftentimes children with autism have a tremendous capacity for specifics and details, but have difficulty with abstraction, extrapolation and context; they can see the trees, but don't know that there is a forest. Apparently, this has nothing to do with cognitive ability, but instead with the communications among various regions of the brain. It's a networking problem, not a computing problem.

One can first see this in terms of sensory processing. Children with autism will often focus exclusively on activities that involve stimuli from just one sensory system (e.g., flapping their hands in front of their eyes or spinning in circles or making sounds). The thought is that this is due to the child's inability to coordinate the activities of the various parts of the brain required to process and integrate multiple, simultaneous sensory stimuli. When they are faced with too many simultaneous stimuli, they can react quite strongly and emotionally. The inability to coordinate the processing of various sensory stimuli or multiple diverse concepts is essentially due to a brain that lacks synchronization.

By understanding this, parents can help their children by creating activities that take into account the child's sensory processing challenge (meet them where they are) and by conducting activities that help improve their child's sensory processing capability (growing their skills).

The lack of synchronization is not an either/or phenomenon, but instead varies dramatically in terms of degree and scope. It's probably the case that each of us experiences it in one form or another. So my theory is that we might better understand and work with people who's brains are synchronized differently than our own by taking into account what their sensory integration challenges might be.

So What?
So, is there someone in your life who seems to get caught up in details losing sight of the big picture? Perhaps they even get rigid and resistant when you try to bring them back to the broader context, insisting that details and specifics are what matter the most. My thought is that you might begin to approach them in a manner similar to the parent of a child with autism equipped with an understanding of sensory integration and brain synchronization.

First, recognize that their basic neurology has a limiting effect on their capacity to process multiple, simultaneous concepts and to maintain context or the big picture. Therefore, when you want to communicate complex ideas, you'll want to present each concept a step a time and then help build and maintain the context for them as you go.

Second, you might want to undertake exercises that are designed to improve brain synchronization. From what I've learned, the brain has an amazing capacity to rewire itself based upon activities that require the rewiring.

Anyway, that's what I was thinking about this morning.

Happy Wednesday!

Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

One of my favorite tidbits of "Mark's-ist" philosophy is "The path to my future is brightly lit by the bridges I have left burning behind me!" I think there's a powerful forward facing energy in the way Mark has re-tooled an old concept for a growth oriented use.

Labels: all blogs, authenticity, mark kaufman, relationships, stress

T'was the night before Thanksgiving, just a few weeks ago. Iris and I sat in the kitchen awaiting the arrival of our dear friend Mark Kaufman who had planned on leaving Brooklyn at noon or so and arriving in the Berkshires by three. Throughout the afternoon Mark had phoned to let us know that he hadn't left yet. More specifically, around one or so he was still in bed, and so on.

Now, at 8:00 PM, Mark called to let us know that he had picked up the lox and bagels, but felt too tired to drive to the Berkshires. He would be coming up in the morning along with a Thanksgiving breakfast straight from Brooklyn. Astutely, Iris asked Mark, "At what time do plan on being here. I'd like to know so that I can prepare everything else."

Mark announced, "I'm going to roll out of bed at 5:30AM and get on the road by 6:00. I should be at your place by 8:30."

The next morning, as we opened our eyes to greet the day, Iris rolled over, looked me in the eye and asked, "Should we start cooking or should we plan on Mark actually getting here?"

What Do You Think Happened?
If I were a man who played the odds, the answer would be simple, but instead I said, "Let's wait and see."

At 8:30AM I looked out the window and what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a battered old minivan with a somewhat more than little old driver. Mark walked proudly into the house with a side of lox and a bagful of fresh bagels exactly when he had said he would.

As we began preparing everything else, the phone rang. It was Kat. In response to my little story of Mark's trip to the Berkshires, she pronounced, "It's a Thanksgiving miracle!"

This morning is Christmas. As Iris and I stirred in bed, I started thinking about miracles. What makes something a miracle? Why and how do miracles happen? How can you create a miracle?

I decided that a miracle is simply an occurrence that you would hope for, but would never expect: a desired outcome that goes beyond reason and probability.

That being the case, if I wanted to create more miracles in my life, how would I go about it?


Step 1: Identify Your Miracle
The starting place would be identifying those things in my life that I truly desire, but consider improbable or even impossible. It could be finding a partner who is just right for me. It might be recovering my child from Autism. It might be becoming physically fit. It might be becoming and artist or musician. Whatever it is, miracles start with identifying what it is we truly desire, but consider to be out of reach.

Step 2: Envision Your Miracle
OK, if you know what it is you want for your miracle, the next step is to envision it. The best way to build a vision is to make it as vivid and real as possible, and to do it in a concrete way. For example, don't simply hold it in your mind, but instead, tell someone your vision, write it down, paint a picture of it. Whatever way you can make your vision as real and vivid and concrete as possible, do that.

Also, don't hold back in your vision. Nothing is off limits. If you want to play music, imagine playing in the world's best venue with the entire band and a crowd of adoring fans. If you want to recover your child from Autism, imagine him walking down the aisle at his wedding arm-in-arm with his bride and surrounded by all his friends. Make your vision big and unlimited.

Step 3: Big Vision, Small Steps
Step 3 is both the easiest and the most difficult. When it comes to creating miracles, we tend to gravitate to the parts that we can't figure out or don't have the capacity for. If your miracle is running a marathon, you might jump to running a mile every day. If your miracle is playing music, you might go to a club to hear a great performer and overwhelm yourself with their skills and your inability to play as well. If your miracle is a child who can relate to others, you might jump to getting him to speak or behave well with peers.

The problem is that it's so easy to overwhelm ourselves with the things that we can't do, that we miss the things that we can do. Further, it's usually the case that we can't do the things that we can't do simply because we haven't done the things that we can.

So, if your goal is running a marathon, perhaps the best first step is simply to become more active in any way that feels good. Perhaps just walking to the store instead of driving.

If your goal is playing guitar, perhaps the best first step is to, well, buy a guitar.

If your goal is a child who can fully relate to world around him, perhaps the best place to start is with the things in his world to which he does relate.

The reason that these first steps are so hard is that we often tell ourselves that they're too small, that they're insignificant, that we'll never get there at that rate. We judge the things we can do thereby eclipsing the things we can't.

In the end, big miracles rest on a foundation of thousands of tiny mico-miracles each of which stretches us and our situations just a bit further. Great miracle makers no that there is no such thing as an insignificant step.

Happy Christmas!
Christmas being a time for miracles and all, it might be a great time to start your next one. As you gather with family and friends, share what you would like to see as your next miracle. Paint your visions for one another and make them big! You might even take a first step with a micro miracle or two.

From the intergalactic headquarters of the A New Option Blog, I wish you the humble beginnings of many future Christmas miracles.

Labels: empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

Last night we had dinner with two of sweetest people on the planet, Kat and Alexander.

One of the things I love about Alexander and Kat as a couple is that they defy the stereo-typical gender-biased role models of right- and left-brainededenss. On the one hand, Kat is the left-brained, logical, epistemologically-oriented partner and Alexander is the right-brained, emotive, ontologically-oriented partner.

Communicating Economically
Kat and I work together all the time. The nature of our work and the rate at which we're working requires us to communicate clearly, efficiently and effectively; otherwise, we end up not actually accomplishing what we meant to accomplish or taking a lot longer to do so than would have been necessary. When we talk, we try to use words precisely and will often stop each other if we're uncertain of what the other meant by a specific word.

Alexander and I don't work together, but see each other frequently in the coffee shop or when the four of us get together for fun. The nature of our communication is completely different. Nonetheless, as we talk, I interact with Alexander in a manner similar to how I interact with Kat. I'll interrupt him when he uses a word that I don't understand or which doesn't make sense to me in the context of what he's saying.

Whereas the model works really well when talking with Kat, it doesn't work at all when talking with Alexander. The frequency and duration of my interruptions tends to make it difficult to maintain a conversational thread. Last night was no exception, so around midnight I began pondering the whole situation to see how I could do better, and then around five this morning, I picked up where I left off.

As I pondered, I came up with some realizations about myself, about Alexander and about how I relate to the world around me.

Words Matter
First, I delight in words. I enjoy exploring the subtle semantic differences between this one and that. I love translating abstract concepts into concise, precisely articulated descriptions that make the concepts clear and accessible. I have a deep appreciation for their power to communicate and to move people. I work diligently to gain mastery of their use.

Second, I believe that many of the challenges that we face today can be directly tied to sloppy use of words. I'm pretty sure that I've had this belief for a long time, but it really surfaced for me over the last eight hours or so.

One of the things that's great about computer languages (formal languages) is that, in order to work, they suffer no ambiguity. Everything you write in software must be precise and represent exactly what you intend because the computer has no capacity to interpret what you meant; it can only do what you said.

On the other hand, human languages (natural languages) tend towards ambiguity. This is not so much an artifact of the languages themselves, but of how we humans use language. Whereas with a computer, the writer has no choice but to be precise, with humans we often count on the capacity of the listener to interpret our meaning. So, we get sloppy.

This not only poses challenges in interpersonal relationships, but also in any systems that we build. For example, consider our legal systems and the volume of laws that we create. In some cases, the laws are created to accommodate situations that are truly new. More often, they're created to close a loophole created by an ambiguous statement; one that can be interpreted differently than intended.

I believe that the proliferation of bloated bureaucratic systems can be traced back to poor command of and the subsequent breakdown of language.

Third, for me, speaking is a skill not unlike playing music. It's not something that you just do or don't do. It's something that you can practice and develop. As you get better at it, you can hang out with other practitioners and jam. You can get better and better and better and enjoy it more deeply and meaningfully as you do.

Words Are Worthless
So, as I pondered why I was being so ineffective at communicating with Alexander, it occurred to me that my beliefs about and experience of words were getting in the way. I also realized that this phenomenon was not limited to my speaking with Alexander.

First, I now realize that people often select words based on how they sound which may or may not have anything to do with what they mean. For example, last night Alexander used the word exponential to describe the rate at which a specific phenomenon was growing. I paused to ask him if he actually meant exponential or if he meant a high rate of linear or multiplicative growth. Alexander replied that he meant exponential-linear growth.

Exponential-linear being an oxymoron, I pressed on for clarity and specificity that didn't actually exist. Now, a few hours later, I realize that by exponential, Alexander simply meant really fast and increasingly faster which in the context of the conversation was good enough. Precision wasn't important and it occurs to me that, in the vernacular, Alexander's definition is probably what most people mean when they say exponential.

Second, I now realize that, due to my bias for words, I often miss that people aren't speaking in order to convey a concept, but instead are speaking simply to emote or to convey a feeling or experience. It's not about clarity and accuracy of the communication, but instead, about projecting experience through sound.

Since I have this bias towards understanding exactly what it is that the other person is saying, I totally miss that they're not actually trying to say anything. The words are being put into space to express how they feel or what they experienced. A quantitative word might be used simply to convey the general magnitude or the importance of an experience, but not a specific value.

Third, I have such a strong bias towards understanding things that I've gotten to the point where I can't fathom not wanting to understand things. I've also intimately associated understanding something with being able to clearly articulate it. To me, saying that you understand something but just can't explain it indicates that you actually don't understand it. I've made this definitional.

This morning I've concluded that this may not be the best MO when communicating with people who say, "I understand it, I just can't explain it."

What I Learned
In the end, my desire to communicate clearly and specifically and my deeply rooted beliefs about how to do that, can be completely limit my capacity to communicate.

It occurs to me that this may be a phenomenon that we can experience as practitioners of any discipline. Doctors, due to their dedication and experience in medicine may miss options and opportunities to heal. Lawyers may miss opportunities to create legal systems that work. On and on...

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. Not sure if I communicated that well, but I feel better.

Thanks for listening.

Teflon

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

Yesterday morning, as Iris and I sat in the living room talking with friends who had just popped by, we got on the subject marriage and children. In this case, it wasn't about getting married and having children, it was about guiding adult children on getting married.

One friend had a niece who had been swept off her feet by a man of the world so to the speak. He'd thoughtfully and creatively crafted every date to be a new and wonderful experience. He'd ensured that she received a steady stream of flowers, notes and gifts at unexpected moments and in unexpected places. He'd charmed and romanced her. She fell in love...

Now that they're married, all that has changed. All the creativity and energy that went into courting is no longer part of his MO. His attention to detail and control of every little aspect of dates that made them so wonderful now manifests itself in the need to control every aspect of home life. Since he makes a great deal of money and doesn't want her working, she doesn't. She's abandoned the passions of her youth to keep a meticulous house and raise a perfect family.

What's Your Advice?
As my friend told her story, she asked, "How do you guide your kids so that they don't end up in situations like this?"

We talked about how most relationships start with attraction and then try to reconcile a disparity in wants. We talked about taking a try-before-you-buy approach to marriage since everyday living is quite different than romantic getaways. We talked about not getting married at all.

As we talked about all this, we segued to the question, "What makes a partner a great partner?"

Amidst all the answers, one that really stuck with me is, "What makes a partner great is how he or she enables me in my desires and passions and how he or she brings out greatness in me."

The Best Thing Ever
This morning, I thought about being a great partner. How do you become one? Then it occurred to me that one model would be to strive to be the best thing that ever happened to the other person. Doing this subsumes so many other things. To be the best thing ever requires you to be completely aware of your partner, who they are, what they want and how they operate. To do this, you must learn not to stop judging what your partner wants, but to start judging it as great, wonderful, beautiful. To do this requires you to provide time, space and support for your partner's pursuits, not to simply step out of the way.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you morph yourself into someone you're not do so. Don't do that. However, considering the difference between who you are now and who you would be as the best thing ever might be a key indicator as to whether or not your relationship has legs.

A Custom Fit
The best thing ever comes in all shapes and sizes. My best thing ever might be someone else's total nightmare.

For example, for me, the best thing ever is someone who is confident, who likes to think, who's independent and confident, who is curious about anything and everything, who doesn't operate on 'shoulds', who's not afraid to fail, who loves what I love, who's active and energetic, who's optimistic and passionate, who doesn't take things personally, who's not dramatic or needy.

On the other hand, I know a lot of guys who prefer someone who needs them, who doesn't challenge their authority, who has a strong moral compass (shoulds), who does take things personally (they would call it caring), who doesn't constantly flirt with new ideas and concepts, who doesn't have their head in the clouds (overly optimistic or flaky).

There's definitely no one-size-fits all here.

Becoming the Best Thing Ever
It's a relatively easy exercise to come up with what the best thing ever means to you. How do you become the best thing ever for your partner?

One place to start might be rating yourself on you best-thing-everness. Here are some (highly-biased) questions that might help you in your evaluation. Please feel free to come up with your own.

1. Overall, do your interactions leave your partner feeling more energized, positive, and optimistic or less? Are you an energy adder or an energy drainer?
   
2. Do you know what your partner's passions and interests are? What are they?
   
3. Assuming that you know what your partner's passions and interests are, do you actively limit his or her pursuit of them, take a passive stance, or actively enable them?
4. Do you know your partners wants and desires, likes and dislikes? What are they?
   
5. Assuming you know the answers to #4, are the majority of your wants and your partner's wants reciprocal (e.g., I like to cook/she likes to eat), parallel (we both like to ski) or at odds (he likes to cuddle at night, I like my space)?
   
6. Now that you're in a relationship, does your partner do more of what she or he loves, less of what she or he loves, or the same amount?
7. In conversations, what percentage of the time do you listen to your partner, and what percentage do you talk?
   
8. Are you your partner's best friend? If so, how does that look? If not, why not?
   
9. When your partner is upset or angry, are you able to listen to him without taking things being said personally, or does his venting turn into an argument?
   

Getting Started
In the end, all this is more art than science, but it starts with a simple awareness of "am I a good thing... a bad thing... the best thing... the worst thing... that ever happened in my partner's life?"

Then you can start tuning it up with questions that are applicable to your situation. Am I energy source or an energy drain? Am I passion enabler or dis-abler? Am I needy and controlling, or empowering and freeing? Am I a source of confidence and optimism, or of doubt and pessimism? (By the way, if you have hangups about words like good, bad, best, worst, you can substitute any scale you want for best to worst: most useful to least useful, net positive to net negative energy, whatever works for you.)

With all this in mind, then you might kick things off by walking up to your partner this morning and saying, "Hey, I've decided that I want to become the best thing that ever happened to you! Can you help me with that?"

Then start talking about your wants and desires, your likes and dislikes, your passions and interests. Determine where you're aligned and where you're not. Identify places where you want to change. Then, daily set an intention to be the best thing ever for you partner.

Have the best Wednesday ever!

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, relationships

I love the ideas that Iris put forth in her blog yesterday, Control or Be Controlled. After batting around ideas with Iris and then reading her blog, a lot of things fell into place for me conceptually.

Briefly, Iris put forth the premise that, contrary to the opinions you'll normally see voiced here on the A New Option Blog, there are indeed people who can control other people's thoughts, feelings and actions. However, their capacity for control is qualified; it only works when they interact with people who are willing to be controlled. Still, from the standpoint of an outside observer, person a appears to control person b.

Building Evidence
But wait, there's a bit more here and this is where it gets really interesting. Over time, person a's need to be in control results in his surrounding himself exclusively with people who are willing to be controlled. Commensurately, over time, the evidence that person a can control others increases.

So, for example, if you're a super nano-management control freak, over time you'll end up exclusively with employees who are willing to be nano-managed. You'll either fire the others or they'll quit. You might have transient exceptions to this, but they'll be ephemeral at best.

In the end, without unnatural effort, you'll just have supplicants.

Note: One caveat here is other influencing factors. You might have people who normally wouldn't suffer nano-management, but you've provided them other motivators such as disproportionate compensation, promises of future reward, nepotism, etc.

What Did You Expect?
Now here's the really funny part. For years, I've encountered nano-managers who've complained that they just can't seem to find really good people any more. They always end up with weak minded, uncreative people who lack energy, resourcefulness and confidence.

Well duh!

Of course, this phenomenon isn't limited to control-freakin' nano-managers. For example, if you're someone who always resists and/or gets defensive around strongly-opinionated, powerful people who think clearly and present strong arguments for what they believe, would you be surprised that you eventually end up surrounded by people who are wimpy? If you're someone who flies off the handle or gets really dramatic over bad news, why be surprised when everyone around you is inauthentic.

Compatibility Modes
Then it occurred to me that any personal characteristic or trait or skill has a an associated mode of compatibility: reciprocal, parallel or incompatible. I'm making this up as I go along, so the words may change over time, but here's the idea.

Parallel Mode: Parallel mode simply means people with a certain characteristic, skill or trait attract others with the same characteristic, skill, or trait. For example, skilled musicians tend to spend a lot of time with other skilled musicians. Marathoners tend to train with other marathoners. Strong, confident people tend to be attracted to other strong and confident people. (This last one bears some explanation that I'll provide in a minute).

Reciprocal Mode: Reciprocal mode implies a complementary, yin/yang relationship between traits. For example, controlling people tend find people who want to be controlled. Needy people tend to find need-to-be-needed people. Great teachers end up with great students. Strong confident people also tend to attract weaker, less confident people. (So, some traits can operate in either reciprocal or parallel mode).

Some reciprocal traits are symbiotic in nature, they feed off each other in a needy way. Others are more synergistic in nature, the strength of the combination exceeds the sum of its parts.

Incompatibility Mode: Then there are some traits that don't abide other traits, or even the same trait in others. Controllers don't last long with other controllers or with others who won't be controlled. People who are cordial tend not to suffer people who are authentic. High energy people tend not to spend a great deal of time with lethargic people and so on.

Of course, each of us exhibits a combination of these modes. You can have highly skilled, controlling musicians who lack confidence and you can have poorly skilled, easy going musicians who exude confidence. Also, there are always mitigating factors such as where and to whom you were born, if you really need the money, higher purpose, etc.

Still, if you were to take the time to look at your most dominant traits and then map each of them to a mode of compatibility, I bet that you would find the people in your life are the ones who either reciprocate or have parallel traits.

Not All Is As It Appears
An important thing to note is that some traits are easily confused. For example, there is a difference between strong people and strong-willed people. Strong people are confident and easy in their strength, they don't need to control or be accepted or recognized. Strong-willed people tend to control, seek recognition and dismiss people who disagree with them; their bigness is fear based; they lack confidence.

Another example is easy-going and apathetic. There are people who, because they don't react strongly to situations, can appear apathetic, when in fact they're just not dramatic.

Applied Compatibility Mode
So often, Iris and I encounter people who say, "I wish I could get more people into my life who... are more interested in important issues... who are more authentic and willing to engage... who are passionate about what they do... who are positive and upbeat, not downers... who want to talk about more than the weather or their latest acquisition... who are interesting."

Perhaps you've said something like this from time to time. Well, if you buy into any of my compatibility mode theory, you may want to start with you.

Can't seem to attract strong, independently-minded people? Perhaps, you're someone who exhibits a lot of drama, or need to control, or lots of judgments?

Can't seem to attract interesting people who really want to talk? Perhaps you're someone who never asks others questions?

Wish that your life were full of passionate, energetic, creative types? To what degree do you exude passion, energy and creativity?

Chemistry at Work
None of us is static in our traits, either across time or in the moment. There are combinations of people who bring out other traits in each other, an interpersonal chemistry so to speak. A great skier with no interest in teaching can become an amazing teacher when suddenly surrounded by skilled skiers with a passion to learn. A quiet, withdrawn, introvert can become a non-stop talker when he encounters a non-judgmental listener who persists in asking questions.

So, who have you attracted into your life? Are they who you want in your life? How have you attracted them? Are there others whom you would like to attract? What would you change to attract them?

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

Over the past couple of days, Iris and I have been inviting different friends to join us for Thanksgiving. For many, it wasn't clear that they could commit to a specific arrival time or specific length of time, so they felt obliged to decline. One friend had a bunch of errands to run on Thanksgiving day, another had to work for some portion of the day, and yet another had concerns about their child and whether or not she would be alright with a large group of people.

In each case, Iris and I made it clear that there was no need to commit to showing up. We just wanted them to know that they were welcome. If they could be there five minutes or five hours, that would be fine. In each case, the other person seemed to relax and say something on the order of, "Oh, just drop by? Sure, that sounds great! I'm not sure exactly when, but I'd love to."

Dropping By
As Iris and I talked this afternoon, we recognized that somehow people have lost the concept of "dropping by". Both of us grew up in environments where friends would simply stop by unannounced; they'd finish eating dinner one evening and say, "Hey, it's been a while since we've seen so-and-so. Let's take a ride over there and see how they're doing!"

As we talked, we realized that we're the only people we know who still "drop by". So we asked ourselves, "Why?"

Is it that we don't like the hit-or-miss aspects of spontaneously driving across town to visit friends who might or might not be available? Is it that we don't like surprise guests? Is it that we anticipate others not liking surprise guests? Is it that we are simply too busy?

Deliciously Casual
For all I know, this might be something unique to my experience, something that I completely fabricated for myself, but there's a certain delicious quality of casually dropping by that seem to escape more formally arranged get-togethers.

As a kid, my mom always told people, 'come-on-by, anytime!' (it was more like 'cummonbaaaaah, eeny taahm') and she really meant it. People would stop by when they were in neighborhood, people would stop by when they were feeling lonely, people would stop by just to share a cup of coffee.

Our house was always open, casual and full of people. People'd stop by for a few minutes in the afternoon and then leave after midnight, or sleep over an leave in the morning. My mom would ask if anyone were hungry and then flip into the kitchen and whip up a meal. If all we had in the house were liver and potatoes, before you knew it we were eating blender-made pate and vichyssoise The kitchen was always wide open to the rest of the house so that she could continue sharing in conversation as she cooked.

Also, with my mom, there was no such thing as incompatible groups of people. If we had guests from completely different contexts who had never met each other before, within a few minutes, she'd have planted a stake directly in the center of their common ground and they'd be off and running on a mutually stimulating conversation.

For me, these casual get-togethers and the very nature of the home that they inspired or that inspired them, are warm and rich memories.

Where's this All Going?
Whenever I start writing a blog article, I'm never quite sure where it will take me; I'm often not certain even as I get to the middle. I just write and see where it will go. It's a kind of "drop-by" approach to writing.

As I'm writing now, I'm realizing that dropping by can be a wonderful metaphor for life. If I want people in my life to drop by, I create a home that is casual, easy and welcoming, one that need not be prepared for guests, but is always in a state of relaxed readiness. I don't feel obliged to do anything or be anyone when friends pop in. It's just a easy, relaxed way to be.

If I want to enjoy dropping by to see others, then I go with my inspiration and see where it takes me not knowing whether or not friends will be home, not knowing if they'll have time, not knowing if I'll be away for one hour or ten; I just go. If one friend isn't home, I just go to the next, and next...

I know for myself, this simply feels good. When I contrast it to the stress that we often feel when preparing for formal (or perhaps simply planned) engagements, it feels really good.

Not only that, but for me, a really cool side-effect of the dropping by approach is the that quality of the experience can be much better than the well-planned, formal experience where we've tried to get everything "perfect".

As a metaphor, I can apply an easy, casual and open drop-by-preparedness to anything that comes into my life. No need to anticipate or fret. No obligation to do anything in particular when something new shows up unannounced. Just a nice way to be.

I can also apply dropping by metaphor to anything in my life I want to try or do: signing up for a course in painting or accounting, heading to the ski mountain, jumping on the train to the city.

What's Your Drop-By Quotient?
So, what about you? Are you someone who drops by to see friends or do you arrange everything ahead of time? Have you created a drop-by-friendly home or do you need time to prepare before people show up?

What about life in general? Have you created a drop-by-friendly existence? Would you prefer one?

What's dropped in lately?

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

As Iris and I talked over the weekend, we were both taken with how much each of us has managed to change over the years. Not just over the years that we've been together, but over our lifetimes. I'm clearly not the person I was at twenty, nor at fifty. In other ways, I'm more the person I was at twenty than at forty. There's a kind of ebb and flow to my development.

As we talked, it occurred to me that this is probably the case with many people I've known over the years. Although they may be captured in my mind as a snapshot of who they were when I knew them, they've probably changed quite significantly. Yet, I carry around this picture that may in no way reflect who they are today.

Then it occurred to me that this may be the case for people whom I see every day! Over time, I've formed a picture in my mind of who they are. At some point, my picture starts displacing the actual person; it becomes a filtered lens through which I see him.

For example, let's say you first get to know someone when she's going through a breakup with her boyfriend. She may be frequently sad or angry or depressed. She may talk incessantly or not at all. She may may be constantly seeking advice or not listening to anyone. Whatever the combination, you would form a picture of who she was based on the combination of moods, words and deeds. And, to some degree, the picture would stick forming a filter through which you would continue to see her, even after the breakup became an distant memory.

If you were the only person with whom your friend had shared her woes, then each time she walked into a room, you would see a completely different person than everyone else. Years could pass and she could altogether reinvent herself, and still you might continue to see the crying, depressed person who didn't know what to do, or the angry, vengeful person who wouldn't listen to any one.

Different Foot, Different River
Over the years, I've often wondered if people ever really change; I've written about people who, despite stated intentions, never seem to be any different. As I reconnect on Facebook with people I knew growing up (as an evangelical Christian in a staunchly conservative mid-western town), I see plenty of evidence for this (from my existentialist perspective living in the bastion of liberal thought) as my old friends talk about praying for George Bush.

Even if I do my best to remove my filters, it sure looks like not a lot has changed. And yet, I wonder.

You've probably heard the phrase, "You can't put your foot in the same river twice."

The phrase serves to remind us that, even when everything seems the same, everything has in fact changed. The river into which we placed our foot the last time is long gone.

The thought that came to me this morning is that it's not just the river that changes. The phrase might become even more useful as a reminder if we were to say, "You can't put the same foot in the same river twice."

Not only is the river long gone, but so is the foot. In fact, everything is constantly changing.

So, if everything is constantly changing, why does it so often seem that some people never change? Clearly we have our filters (our snapshots) that serve to keep people the same (from our perspective) no matter what they do. However, we also tend to conform to what people expect us to be; we comply with the filter.

Have you ever reunited with friends from years past? Did you notice that there was a tendency to take on the roles that each of you had when you were last together? Were you called by nicknames that you hadn't heard in years. Did you reminisce over stories that you'd long forgotten? Did you talk about topics that no longer interested you? Did you find yourself in one way or another reliving who you were at that time, becoming the person people expected you to be?

Filters are much more powerful than I first thought. Not only do they shape what we see, they shape us.

Lens Cleaners
As we prepare for the holiday season, pulling winter clothing, storm windows and holiday decorations out of storage, one of the boxes that each of us opens contains a bunch of dusty old filters for the people we anticipate seeing at family gatherings and other reunions. Indeed, others are opening boxes of filters for each of us.

Even though all the rivers and all the feet have completely changed, we choreograph the dance of reconstructing foot and river alike, all without really thinking much about the process.

So, I was thinking that this might be a great year in which to clean our lenses along with the holiday crystal. A couple of things that come to mind are:

1. Immediately start practicing seeing the people around you without filters. You can do this at work or at home or at school. Take a moment with each person and actually look at their faces. Notice things about them that you haven't noticed. Listen to the texture and character of their voice. See them as though you know nothing about them.
   
2. Try on some happy filters when looking at people with whom you often use unhappy filters. Actively look for the things you really like in the people around you. Make those things bigger.
3. Set an intention each morning to be clear on who you are and what you think with the people around you. If there's something you really want to eat for dinner or want to watch on TV, don't say, "Whatever you want is fine with me." If there's something on your mind, say it. If there's something that no longer interests you, don't simply endure the conversation; let the other person know. They may also no longer be interested.
   
4. When getting together with people whom you haven't seen in a while, start your time together by saying, "Hey, I've been thinking about it and I don't have a clue as to who you are nowadays. Every time we get together, it's as though we've stepped into a time machine. I want to know who you are now and I'd love for you to know who I am now."

I'm intrigued by how doing things like this might completely transform our holiday experiences, especially at family gatherings. Imagine sitting at Thanksgiving and finding out that everyone (including your mom) hates eating turkey and would prefer fondue or barbecued ribs.

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships

Last Sunday, before returning home from Luke's and Sarah's wedding, Iris and I sat in the bagel shop in Porter Square drinking coffee, eating actual bagels (not the bagel shaped bread substance that we have here in the Berkshires) and playing with our Macs (Iris importing photos from the wedding and me writing a blog article). As we sat there, one of the guys who lives across the street in the park above the Porter Square T Station wondered in, got himself a cup of coffee, sat next to Iris, and then proceeded to talk to her for the next ninety minutes.

Iris listened intently and asked questions as this man talked about everything from having gone to prison to transforming himself and his life. As he talked, it occurred to me that he probably rarely if ever had someone who would listen to him as intently and lovingly as Iris. The more Iris listened, the more he talked. An hour and a half later, we needed to get going in order to get back in time for one of Iris' playroom sessions. So, we left. However, I think had we not left, the man might have talked and talked and talked.

A Day Later
The next day, I sent emails to a bunch of people (my dad included) making sure that they knew they were welcome to join Iris and me for Thanksgiving at our place. I mentioned that, if they'd already made plans with others, they were welcome to bring the others as well.

My dad, in an effort to encourage others to join us, sent emails to several family members imploring them to join us so that "he could spend one last Thanksgiving with everyone before he dies."

The Day After That
The next day, I was speaking with a buddy who recently broke up with his girlfriend. Over the last few years, they'd had a rather stormy and passionate relationship. Recently, he'd decided to stop taking things personally, accept his girlfriend for who she was, and really put himself into the relationship without qualification. Amazingly and impressively, he'd really done it.

The crazy thing is that the more he accepted her, the less he took things personally, and the more he simply rolled with things without reacting, the more she would do things to challenge his acceptance of her. It's almost as though she were afraid to accept his acceptance of her.

Drowning the Lifeguard
What do these three little vignettes have in common? In each case, someone is hanging on so tightly to what they want that they are doing the very things that would preclude their getting or keeping it.

The man in the bagel shop wants so desperately for someone to hear him and to know him that he approaches anyone who will listen like a starving refugee suddenly presented with one last meal. He talks so incessantly that people begin to avoid him. The more he talks...

My dad wants so much to have his family together for Thanksgiving that he uses morbid references and guilt to achieve his goals. Both are such turn-offs that even people who love him would really prefer nor share joyous and celebratory occasion with someone set on guilt and morbidity.

My buddy's girlfriend wants so desperately to be accepted and loved unconditionally, that she questions and doubts every overture from someone who truly accepts and loves here; the more he accepts her, the more she does things to drive him away.

Each person exhibits a kind of relationship death-wish. Any time someone comes along who might help fulfill what they so deeply desire, their fears get the best of them and they drown the the lifeguard.

Squeezing Jell-o
At one time or another, each of has drowned the lifeguard.

It occurs when we start hanging on too tightly, start taking things too seriously, start making things too important, when we let reaching the goal completely overwhelm enjoying the journey. It's a bizarre phenomenon where the tighter we hang on to the outcome, the more we do things that undermine our achieving it. It's like squeezing our fingers tightly around a lump of jell-o to avoid dropping it.

Are there places in your life where perhaps you're drowning the lifeguard? They're not always easy to see; however, if you pay attention, you can spot them. Here are some key indicators:

• People avert their eyes when you walk into the room or look about furtively as you speak with them at a party
• You've told the same story to someone for the fifth time today
  
• Despite your best intentions, you find that the majority of things that come out of your mouth are complaints or concerns or negative comments
• You've started to get angry at or resentful of people you love because they don't pick up after themselves or they don't put the cap back on the toothpaste
• You consistently look to others to help you overcome fears and insecurities
• Your partner or your kids or your colleagues glaze over or ignore you or get angry when you bring up your concerns about them or your mutual situation or what's wrong with the world

Save Yourself!
If you have been drowning lifeguards in your life, the solution is simple albeit perhaps not easy: breathe and let go! I'm not talking about becoming non-caring or apathetic. Keep you passion! However, let go of the outcome.

If just doing it seems too difficult, then it might be useful to find someone with whom you can Dialogue in order to get to the root of your fears and concerns. You might find that many of your lifeguard-drowning, jell-o-squeezing activities stem from just one core belief!

Negativity-free Diet
Alternatively, you can take the diet approach. Spend a week where you say nothing negative, listen to nothing negative, and take no actions based on negative beliefs (fear, doubt, insecurity). Don't worry about changing the thoughts and beliefs; just take action! The thoughts and beliefs will follow.

To make your diet most effective, enlist the aid of the people around you. Let them know your intention: a week of positively-charged word and deed. Ask them to contribute by limiting themselves to positive actions and discussion and by calling you on it whenever you lapse.

Go to the bank and get one-hundred dollar bills. Let everyone (including your kids) know that, whenever you lapse into negative word or deed, you'll give them a dollar. Depending on your situation, you may want to make it two-hundred dollar-bills.

Each time you catch yourself or someone catches you, don't sweat it, just stop, or, flip it into something positive. For example, if you see a piece of trash dancing down the street in the wind, rather than complaining about it or thinking "what the hell", chase it down and toss it into a trash can.

For You Lifeguards
If you're a lifeguard avoiding drowning, then it might be time to stop averting your eyes or sidestepping the drowner and simply point out, "Hey, have you ever noticed how, whenever you... that people...."

Even though we often avoid saying things like this to avoid "hurting someone's feelings", in fact we're really doing it for our own comfort. It doesn't help someone with a booger hanging from their nose to look the other way and not tell them about it.

As for me, I'm going to write my dad an email inviting him to abandon his strategy of morbidity and guilt.

Happy swimming!

Labels: all blogs, empowerment, parenting, philosophy, relationships

Yesterday, we spent a delicious evening with two sweet couples (Kat and Alexander, and Carolina and John) whom we've grown to adore and cherish. We ate, we talked, we sang. It was wonderful.

One of the factors that made the evening so rich and warm was the diversity of experience and perspective that we together represented. For example, Alexander routinely practices meditation. He regularly experiences and enthusiastically touts its benefits. I, on the other hand, never meditate, or at least not in the sense that Alexander does.

Alexander did his best to explain how I really should try meditation. As he explained, I would fairly consistently interrupt him to clarify what he was saying before allowing him to proceed. For example, at one point he mentioned how kinetic energy causes stress. I stopped him to make sure that he really meant kinetic energy (energy being spent), or if he meant potential energy (unspent energy being built up). If he meant the former, then I had no idea what he was talking about; if he meant the latter, then I was tracking pretty well.

As our start-stop-start-stop discussion proceeded, we would often get sidetracked by my interruptions as others jumped in to discuss my question, not the the benefits of meditation. Occasionally Alexander would remark about my having corrected him.

The brief sidetracks often became full-blown detours, complete discussions in their own right. Yet, we always managed to return to the original thread and Alexander would patiently pick up where we'd left off. I found the whole experience fascinating. In addition to learning about meditation, I learned a lot about each of my friends and about myself.

Right Brain, Left Brain
I grew up a right-brained kid with a left-brained father and a left-brained brother. I was the emotional, intuitive, creative one; my brother was the rational, logical, structured one. Although he was two years behind me, I couldn't get into the calculus class that my brother Dave taught in high school.

I remember standing in the garage with my dad and Dave as we worked on the car. Diagnosing what was wrong with the car, dad and Dave would speak expertly about different potential causes of the problem using precise terminology for each component and potential malady. I on the other hand would guess based on my experiences having no idea what this or that was called. For example, I might smell an excess of gasoline and then remove the air filter to get to the carburetor to prop open the air intake, but I wouldn't have had a clue as to what any of those things were called or why it helped start the car.

Often, when I would join in the discussion offering my hypothesis of what the problem was, my dad and Dave would look at each other, roll their eyes and laugh. And for some reason, I would lose interest in working on the car.

Switching Sides
As a result of circumstances and activities that I've described in other articles, people who meet me today are surprised to hear that I was ever a right-brained person. I've really got the left-brained thing down. I can do math, I can approach situations logically and methodically, I've even been accused of never showing emotion.

I tend to see myself as ambidextrous; if I'm working on marketing materials or playing music, I operate more from the right. If I'm trying to understand something new, I tend towards the left.

Last night, as I listened to Alexander, I was in left-brain mode. When I'm in left brain mode, I listen with precision, I catalog everything that's said, and I build a mental framework from which to reference it. This approach works really well for me. It let's me simultaneously maintain many discussion threads that may go far afield from one another; regardless of how far afield we go, I can always return to any one thread right where we veered off.

However, if I'm listening to a right-brained person, it doesn't always work so well for them. They often take my seeking clarification as a rudely interrupting them or getting off point or correcting them or making fun of them. Not everyone is as sweet-natured and patient as Alexander, so the responses I sometimes get can get emotional, even hostile.

As we talked, Kat (who is the perfect left-brain complement of Alexander) looked at me and said something on the order of, "Don't worry about understanding everything Alexander is saying in the moment. Just sit back and take it all in."

So I did.

Kat's really smart.

All this got me to thinking this morning on how to bridge the right-left gap. I came up with some thoughts that may help right-brained people better communicate to their left-brained partners, friends and colleagues, and left-brained people better listen to their right-brained counterparts. (If you're a left-brained type, you probably noticed that I've only listed two of four potential pairings). Relax!

Speaking to a Left-brained Person
If you're a creative, emotional, intuitive right-brained type who wants to be understood and respected by the left-brained world, here are some thoughts that might make your life easier.

1. Never use words, examples, references or analogies that you don't fully understand. Nothing discredits you with a left-brained person faster than malapropisms, confused references, or misquoted facts.
2. Speak without using adverbs or adjectives, especially superlatives. In the moment, simply forget that words such as awesome, really, amazing, biggest, most, least, worst, every and any exist.
3. Don't justify or support your beliefs using scientific, statistical or technological references. Nothing gets the eyes rolling or the feet moving faster out the door than a misappropriated or seemingly fabricated reference. I've heard right-brainers who were trying to prop up their beliefs make completely ludicrous statements such as the juxtaposition of quantum mechanics and the industrial revolution, or something being "at least an order of magnitude greater, like 30%."
   
   Better yet, just avoid justification all together. Simply say what you think.
4. Before you try to make a point, stop, breathe and decide what the point is that you want to make. Then, before explaining it or building up to it, say what the point is. When your left-brained partner knows where you're going, he or she will have a much easier time following you.
   

Listening to a Right-brained Person
If you're a down-to-business, structured and organized, mathematically inclined left-brained person, you might better enjoy and learn from conversations with your right-brained friends by adopting some of the following practices.

1. Don't worry about the destination (i.e., what the point is), just sit back and enjoy the ride. There may be no point other than talking.
   
2. If there seems to be a bunch of steps missing as your friend proceeds from one point to the next, wait until he reaches a point of relative repose in the conversation before asking about them, or perhaps better, use your left-brain powers to maintain an inventory of questions that you can ask her after she finishes. If after hearing it all, the questions are still meaningful, ask them.
3. Clarify through active listening (reflecting back in your own words what you think was said), rather than open ended questions. For example, you might say, "What I think I hear you saying is thus-and-such. Is that correct?", rather than saying, "What are you trying to say?" in which case the comma-the-hell following 'what' is implied.
4. Avoid activities such as smirking, laughing, rolling your eyes, sighing or saying things like, "Do you have any clue as to what you're talking about?"

Common Ground
Of course, these are just things I thought of this morning. I imagine that you can come up with many more. Probably the best thing to do (whether you're left- or right-brained) is to make your priority loving and enjoying the company of the other person first, understanding them second, and getting them to understand you third.

Happy communicating!

Labels: all blogs, mark tuomenoksa, philosophy, relationships